by Katz, Danny
‘COMING BRIS, HOLD ON!’ Ravo guns it round the edge of the oval like he’s got spinning-wheel legs, didn’t know he could move so fast. He’s got his Beast Mode engaged and Year 12s turn to look when he stops near the tree. The first Gangsta in a Hoodie says ‘Hey, you’re not Year 12.’
And Ravo says ‘Best believe it, BITCHEZZZZ!!!’
He presses the trigger of the Weapon of Mass Sprayduction and piss sprays out of it. Oh lawwwwwd, it is magnificent, he just fires that sprayer at the whole pack of Year 12s and they stand there all confused and freaked-out.
The second Gangsta in a Hoodie is yelling ‘WATCH OUT , IT’S PISS !’
A Harry Potter is saying ‘HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S PISS?’
The first Gangsta in a Hoodie is yelling back ‘BECAUSE WE PISSED IT.’
A Zombie in Army-Camo is flipping out: ‘OHH-GAWWWWWD IT’S PISS!!!!’
A Smurf is screaming ‘EWWWWW-WWWW!’
A Superspicy-Girl is yelling ‘MEGAN, DON’T GET ANY ON THE CAMERA, IT BELONGS TO RANGA’S DAD!’
They all start running to get away and Ravo turns his body from side to side so the piss is going in lots of different directions and hits everyone: ‘THIS IS FOR GETTING ME WITH VIETNAMESE FISH SAUCE … AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ME WEAR LOST AND FOUND PANTS WITH A POO STAIN … AND THIS IS FOR SQUIRTING ME WITH TOMATO SAUCE …’
Gorillas in Netball Skirts are running, Zombies in Camo are running, Smurfs and Mexicans and Harry Potters and Superspicy-Girlz are all trying to get away but the sprayer shoots long distances, gets them even when they’re far away.
‘AND THIS IS FOR THE HEAD-DUNKING IN THE TOILET … AND THIS IS FOR PUTTING TAMPONS IN THE TAPS … AND THIS IS FOR BEING TRAMPLED OUTSIDE THE LOCKER SHED … AND THIS IS FOR SPRAYING ME WITH STAMINADE PISS …’
They have pretty much all run off and are in the distance but Ravo sees a Harry Potter who has slipped on the ground so he goes over to him. The Harry Potter looks up, all scaredy, almost crying: ‘No … not on the costume … gotta get it back to the fancy dress shop …’
‘… AND THIS IS FOR THE BANGLADESHI ORPHANS!!!!!’
He sprays the Harry Potter and keeps spraying until the spray-pack runs out of piss. Then he shakes the sprayer-end, like boys do when they’re finished going to the toilet. ‘Just getting off the last drips.’
Piss-wet Harry Potter gets up and runs off like a douche.
Ravo throws off the empty sprayer-pack from his back: ‘I guess he couldn’t take the piss!’ which is the kind of killer line that action-heroes say AFTER they’ve shot up all the druggie child-killers who have stolen nuclear bombs.
Brisley is getting down from the branch where she was hanging. She is covered in everything you can think of, with her hair and face and clothes all coloured with blue and red water and shaving cream. ‘You arrived just in time, Sir Ravo,’ she says in a funny olde-days kind of voice. ‘For your bravery, I now dub thee Bravo.’
Ravo likes that, ‘Bravo!’ he goes. ‘And you fought an honourable fight yourself, Lady Brisley, you punched the crap out of that Superspicy-Girl.’
The way he looks at her, you can tell he’s massively in love with her. Seems like everyone is getting paired up: Jarrell and Jack S. Ravo and Brisley. Me and the pig.
The rest of the HAGZ get down from the tree: the branches are getting caught on Krissy Klang’s skirt and you can see her undies a bit but Ravo knocks me with his elbow, makes me stop looking, because he is now Bravo and he is a gentleman.
Angie Maningas flicks her hair and bits of shaving cream fly off: ‘Ravo, what you did was uhhh-mayyy-ZING’ and Mae Nguy goes ‘Yeah you literally saved our lives.’
‘Yes I literally did’ – which is a smart joke about the word ‘literally’ but the HAGZ don’t get it. Brisley does.
Ji-Hyun (Jack) gives me a real fierce look: ‘But no thanks to YOU, Tom. You just ran off and left us to get massacred.’
‘Nawwww,’ goes Ravo, ‘you should thank Tom for everything actually. He’s the real hero. He got the Weapon of Mass Sprayduction and then he saved me and brought me here, and he also found a nice little pig.’ When the HAGZ see the pig they all start coming up close to me going ‘Awwwww, total cutie … awwwwwww … cuuuuuuute …’ which is great for me even if they are just looking at the pig.
Krissy Klang is already walking off: ‘Girls, we need to act urgently. Our hair is coated in paste, shaving cream and various food dyes. Everyone back to mine for showers – I have an excellent Pureology shampoo. We must wash, rinse, then gentle towel-dry.’
Mae Nguy goes ‘Do you have deep-conditioning treatment?’
‘ColourSeal Gloss.’
‘I’m in.’
‘I’m in,’ says Ji-Hyun (Jack).
‘I’m in too,’ Ravo says. ‘Need to restore my hair to its natural bounce and shine.’ Whatta crack-up. Me and Bris laugh but the other HAGZ don’t think it’s funny.
Krissy Klang is heading toward the quad gates with the others following but Bris is not going Angie Maningas yells ‘Hurry, Bris! Don’t want to risk permanent damage!’
Bris yells back, ‘Actually, been a big day. Might just head home and use my mum’s Sunsilk.’
Angie looks disgusted, ‘Okaaaaaaay. Catchyez. Don’t forget those mini-pizzas tomorrow.’
Bris watches them go until they are far enough away so they can’t hear. She looks at us: ‘This HAGZ thing is too intense. Too much pressure to be interesting and beautiful – and it costs 150 bucks for a bleach reapplication. Think I prefer being in SCUM where you can be boring and ugly and not have to talk and you can come to school with disgustingly filthy hair.’ She pats both of our heads like we’re dogs, ‘So can I come back then, pleeeeeeeez?’
She’s doing that freaky thing again where her lips move up on the ends, this new thing she’s learned called smiling. It makes Ravo horny as balls: ‘Hellsyeah, Bris, I knew you’d come back! And I like you better with your old hair anyway. Your old hair was really nice and I prefer—’
‘Hang on, hang on!’ I’m going. ‘Bris, you can’t just come back so easy after you shunned us and went somewhere else and then you wouldn’ let me share your country on the Map of the World Rug. Me and Ravo would never do that to you, we even went and saved your life cos that’s what real friends do for each—’
‘Zurb, pleeeeez, shuttit. I’m coming back. End of.’
Can’t argue with that: ‘Aiiight, you’re back then. But one rule. Stop doing that freaky thing with your mouth, it’s just wrong’ and she stops smiling and says ‘Fine by me, it kind of hurts.’
Ravo goes back into action-hero mode: ‘No time to waste. We gotta get off the schoolgrounds before the Year 12s regroup.’ He opens his torn shirt so Bris can see his skinny abs underneath.
Bris does her own action-hero pose with hands on her hips: ‘They’ll be armed and waiting at the gates! Guess we’re gonna have to head-kick our way out.’ Her action-hero voice is even better than Ravo’s.
I try a bit of action-hero voice: ‘Wait, I know a gate where we can get out safely.’ It comes out too high so I take it down a notch. ‘It’s the only way we’re gonna make it! This way!’
Teachers’ Carpark is pretty close to here, just past the cricket nets. As we get close, we can see a bunch of teachers there, standing around a car that is in a weird position. Mrs Contogeorge’s little blue Barina.
It has been flipped on its side and strong man teachers are trying to turn it back up but they can’t. Mrs Contogeorge is smoking a cigarette and freaking out, going ‘Where’s the police? THEY SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW!!!!!’ all loud and emotional because she’s the drama teacher and this is her moment. Teachers are not allowed to smoke at school so she must be in Xtreme Stress Mode.
Assistant Principal Bitchface Fruehling is trying to calm her down, saying ‘They’re on their way, Trace, can you put that out, Trace, you’re in violation of school regulations, Trace.’ But Mrs Contogeorge keeps smoking, walking in circles. Funny how when I came in here this morning
, it was just a normal quiet carpark with all the cars parked in rows, and now as I’m going out, there’s an actual car flipped on its side and other cars covered in eggs that have been chucked hard and dick ’n’ balls drawn in shaving cream.
The teachers are so busy trying to flip the blue Barina back over, they don’t notice me and Ravo and Bris running through the carpark. The gates are just up ahead: it feels like a year ago when them this morning. In just a few seconds we will be out and Muck Up Day will be OVER. Until next year.
Jarrell and Jack S are at the gates. They are vommy-hugging. When we get there, they stop. I won’t look at Jarrell and I won’t look at Jack S but Brisley’s pretty happy about seeing both of them.
‘Hey guys, good news! I got stuck in a tree and Ravo turned into Bravo and we fought off Year 12s and my hair needs to be washed urgently and Tom has a pig and I’ve quit the HAGZ and I’m coming back to SCUM.’
Jarrell says ‘Good news, Brisley, even if I didn’t understand a word of it. We’ve got news too. Me and Jack aren’t together anymore.’
That makes me look up. Neither of them looks too shattered. Jack S goes ‘Yeah Jarrell and I have just been talking and y’know, I learned something important today in Philosofon.’
Jarrell doesn’t do her usual smirk-pfff, just listens.
‘Happiness doesn’t come from bagging a hot chick or having tons of dollars or living in some floating glass boat-plane house with a hot-tub pod, though that’d be way fun. But if you want to be REAL happy, you do what Sock-ra-teeez said—?’
He looks at Jarrell to check and she does a tiny nod. ‘—and just be good to other people. And I don’t think me and Jarrell are being good to each other. I’m too sensitive – and she’s too – smart – and we want to go just back to being friends. All we did was hold hands anyway and have a kiss. I thought I touched her boob but it was—’
‘—my elbow,’ goes Jarrell.
‘It felt like a boob.’
‘Boobs don’t have a bone in them.’
‘Yeah, I learned lotsa stuff from you, Jarrell. And one more thing, just want to say sorry to you, Tom, saying your music and writing was crap.’
‘Aiiiight, I know you didn’t mean it.’
‘Actually I did mean it but nobody should say that to you, even though the rest of us all think it and talk about it when you’re not around. A lot.’
Here’s what I want to say to them right now: one day HumanKind will be the biggest success in the world and you will not even be able to get tickets to see it and you will be calling me up, going ‘Can you get us tickets to your famous show, Thom?’ because by then I’ll have changed my name to Thom. And I will go ‘Of course, friends’ because I forgive people for douchey things they have said. Then you will come with me to the show and at the end, the whole audience will be cheering and going ‘ZURBO IS A FREAK, ZURBO IS A FREAK!’ and I’ll walk on stage and bow and say ‘Nobody believed in me. Nobody thought I could do it. Well look at me now, dick-nubbins, LOOK AT ME NOWWWWWW!!!’
Here’s what I actually say: ‘Yeah, well I deserved it, Jack. I said some pretty arsey things to you too. All this Muck Up biz just put me in a poor mood and I took it out on my mates.’
Jarrell won’t look at me. I know because I secretly peeked at her to see if she was peeking at me.
Ravo goes ‘Shweeeeet, everyone finished saying sorry to everyone? We all wuvvv each other again? Good, SCUM is back together. We fell apart, we worked it out, we’re back to the way we used to be.’
A police car is coming, it’s driving up the carpark driveway and into the teachers’ carpark. Teachers are going up to it and the policemen get out. Mrs Contogeorge is being all dramatic, going ‘I WANT THE PERPETRATORS FOUND AND PUNISHED!’
We want to watch what’s happening because there hasn’t been a police car at school since the webcam-biz with Bartle the Pedo, but Jack S is more interested in my pig, patting its head: ‘So what ya gonna do with it, Tom? Cook it up and eat it?’
‘You are so dense, Jack,’ says Bris. ‘He’s Jewish. They don’t eat pigs unless they’ve been circumcised.’
‘Is this one circumcised?’
Ravo and Bris are laughing, because Jack S’s question was not a joke, it was serious. Laughing at Jack S’s denseness is the kind of thing we always used to do at SCUM so it’s nice to be doing it again.
Behind me someone says ‘Get your hands off my pig.’
He’s huge AS. He’s in a big fat sumo-suit with his sumo-gut sticking out the front and a big sumo-nappy on his bum and a big black sumo-wig over his head. He’s the guy who was in the corridor this morning doing the rude Turkish hand-gesture to Mr Pooks and he is looking down at me.
‘I’m Grassy.’
I’m looking up at him: ‘Hi … Grassy.’
Jack S and Brisley and Ravo are not laughing anymore. They have worried looks on their faces. Hard to tell what Jarrell’s thinking, nothing’s going on in her eyes.
because
‘You’re the one in the BOY shirt.’
I look down at my shirt: ‘Oh yeahhh,’ like it’s even a surprise to me.
‘And you’re telling people you’re my mate?’
‘Just the once …’
He bends down a bit: ‘There are cops and teachers all round here so I can’t beat your arse here. You are going to come with me over to the cricket nets where no one can see us, then you are going to give me back my pig, and then you are going to die in a crapwell.’
‘Well the thing is, Grassy,’ I say, giving him a big toughy face, ‘I happen to be a member of the Students Combined Underground Movement and we always look out for each other. So if I die in a crapwell, my mates will go over to the cops and report you and you will get into huge trouble and probably get sent to juvie.’
He goes ‘What mates?’ and I turn round to show him but they are not there. Bris and Jack S have run off out of the gates and are way down the street already. Ravo is legging it fast behind them. Bravo? – haha yeah right.
Looks like SCUM is just the way it used to be: a pack of scaredy little dickweeds.
But for some reason Jarrell hasn’t gone with them. She’s still there, outside the gates by herself. She looks worried: she’s watching me and I wish she wasn’t because the next thing that happens is pretty embarrassing. Grassy gets my arm and does this thing where he lifts me in the air, then flips me sideways, holding me under one of his arms the same way I am holding the pig in one of my arms. He is very strong: I am actually in the air with my legs off the ground, my head poking out the back facing Jarrell.
Before I die in a crapwell, there is an important thing I need to sort out really quick.
‘Jarrell!’
She doesn’t say anything.
Grassy is walking off with me in his arm so I have to yell: ‘Jarrell, I didn’t mean that stuff I said! … Please will you come back to SCUM? … I want you to come back! … I like seeing your face every day!!!’
I don’t know if she heard that last bit cos I’m far away now, being carried down the side of Teachers’ Carpark – all I can I see of Jarrell is her hair moving in the wind, it looks nice and flowy, then we go around the rosebushes and I can’t see her anymore.
Grassy carries me to the cricket nets then stops there. When he puts me down on the ground, his massive sumo-shadow is over me. No idea how much of him is sumo-suit and how much of him is just his own built-in fatness.
‘First gimme my pig back.’
I take a last look at Sumo-pig: I don’t think you can save me this time, little friend. I got through a whole day without getting a mark on me. I survived eggs and shaving cream and jizz-raids and green-slime. I almost got to the end untouched. But nah, not going to make it now. So goodbye Sumo-pig, it was very nice spending the afternoon with you.
I hold out the pig for Grassy to take but before he takes it, someone says ‘Excuse me, Grassy.’
Jarrell’s here. She must’ve followed us down here behind the rosebushes. ‘I kno
w you are very busy with this arse-beating but I have one question that I’m DYING to know.’ She points to the oval and up to the top of the footy posts, ‘How DID you get the bins up there?’
Grassy doesn’t get mad with her at all like I was expecting. He actually looks kind of pleased and forgets about beating my arse for a sec.
‘Whatta rippa, eh?’ He steps backward to point at the posts, all proud of himself. ‘Me and the lads got them up there last night. We got some rope and we got one of those hooks with the clip that locks back … you know those hooks with a clip? …’
Jarrell’s hmmming like she’s mega-interested.
‘… we got a milkcrate and … you see the middle post? …’
‘Hmmmm …’
‘… see how there’s pads tied onto it? We put the milkcrate next to that post … then we got up on the milkcrate and—’
Jarrell steps up to him and pushes him into a rosebush. A massive rosebush right behind him. He falls really hard into it because of his big fat sumo-suit and now he can’t get out because the more he moves round, the more his sumo-suit gets stuck in the thorns.
‘RUN, YOU DUMMY!!!’ she yells to me, and we’re running, going back into the teachers’ carpark, back past the teachers and the cops and the police car and Mrs Contogeorge and the sideways blue Barina. It’s hard to run and talk and hold a pig at the same time with a bag on your back and a belt-wiener flapping around but I’m trying: ‘Jarrell … that was … like … the most … perfectest … bushing … ever …’
She’s just looking ahead as we run out of the teachers’ carpark gates and …
About the Author
Canadian-born Danny Katz came to Australia at a young age because his geologist father felt there were interesting rocks here. Danny worked as a car washer, a belt salesman and a musician before stumbling into stand-up comedy, where he made his name in the 1990s. He is a columnist for The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and The West Australian.
