by Sumida, Amy
I gave a brittle laugh and swiped at the tears, I hadn’t realized I was crying. “Are you coming home? That would go a long ways to helping me feel better.”
He frowned and pulled away.
“Why did you even come here?” My heart plummeted. I didn’t know how much more of this up and down it could take. “Why are you here, with me, like this, if you don’t want to come home?”
“I love you, Vervain,” he exhaled hard, “but I love myself too. I can’t let you treat me like a dog anymore.”
“When the hell have I ever treated you like a dog?” I was in shock over the dog bit but the rest struck a familiar chord. How many times had I said those words to other men? I love you but I love myself more. I totally agreed with him, at least on that part of the statement. He should love himself more but I truly couldn't see how I'd treated him unfairly. Most of the issues that had occurred, were things we'd handled together. He'd agreed to this, every step of the way and now he was crying foul?
“You kick me, then pat me on the head and expect me to take it.”
“I love you, Trevor,” I shook my head helplessly. I had no idea how to fix things when I couldn't even see the problem. “If I’ve treated you badly, besides the one, horrible, obvious time that I’ve already apologized for, then I’m sorry… very, very sorry, and I'm willing to compromise with you in any way that will make you happy. I want you back. I miss you, Kirill misses you, Nick misses you, you’re important to us, to me. Please come home.”
“And what happens the next time I don’t approve of a lover?” His body was held tight and I had a sense that he was trying to keep himself from giving in. “Will you take him anyway and disregard my feelings again? I have very little control in this relationship, Vervain. Do you know how difficult that is for a Froekn? My bones and blood tell me it should just be you and I but your magic has changed that, made me accept another way. Even that I could have lived with but when you gave yourself to Anubis, you took the tiny bit of control I did have and slapped me in the face with it.”
“I know, I…”
“No, you have no idea, Vervain,” he growled. “That’s one of the biggest problems. You can’t see past your lust. I forgave you for Odin because of your past together but Anubis I can’t forgive you for, for the very same reason. He stole you from me, he raped you, and almost killed me by simply keeping you locked in Duat. He took control of your body and made you do humiliating things. How could you ever let him touch you again, much less kiss you? This is just one twisted, fucked up mess and I can’t be a part of it anymore.”
He turned and walked into the shadows, disappearing as I called after him. I was doing that a lot lately, calling after him as he walked out of my life. How many times would I have to watch him leave? How many times would I ask him to come home and hear him refuse me? It felt like my heart was being destroyed over and over.
“I'm a twisted, fucked up mess?” I whispered, feeling a new level of destroyed. “What the fuck was up with that hair? Shaving your head seems like a pretty twisted thing to do just because you're mad at your girlfriend.”
No, no more, I was done with werewolf insanity.
I took a deep breath, hardened my heart, and walked back into the church. When I got to the dining area, I saw Fenrir watching the door anxiously. As soon as he saw my face, his crumpled. He left his seat and came to me, wrapping his arms around me and whispering that it would be alright, Trevor would realize that he loved me too much to be apart from me, he’d come around.
I nodded but deep inside, I knew he was wrong.
Chapter Seventeen
As soon as the door shut behind us, I was on Kirill. He stumbled a little from my arduous attack but quickly gained his footing and lifted me off mine. I felt the growl rise up my throat as I tore at his clothes and he answered me with one of his own. We didn’t make it to the bedroom; he pulled me down to the living room floor instead.
I felt the thick silk of the Persian carpets caress my back, making me aware of my sudden nudity. Distractedly, I noticed the strips of black that used to be my dress, littering the floor. I didn’t even care about the wasted fashion, that’s how gone I was. I writhed up to meet his naked body, lost in pleasure.
His hand clenched in my hair and pulled my face up to his. I gasped at the intensity in his eyes and for a second, I worried that he’d regressed to the point I’d first found him, a savage animal. But then his mouth descended on mine and I knew it was passion not insanity that filled him.
“Vervain,” he growled when he finally pulled away. “I don’t vant to hurt you.”
“You won’t,” I pulled him back, “I'm a goddess now, remember? Give me everything, I need this as much as you.”
Then he was inside me and my hands were gripping his shoulders. The carpet provided enough traction to keep me in one place thankfully, or we would have been sliding all over the floor from the force of his thrusts. I craved that ferocity though and moved my feet up, planting them firmly on the ground so I could lift my hips to meet his.
Snarling and growling mixed with the furious slams of our skin and I had never been more turned on. His hand was still in my hair and he used it to viciously pull my head to the side so he could sink his teeth into my shoulder. I shouted out my pleasure, my body shaking through the first pulses of passion as he dropped to his elbow so he could use his free hand to work my breast.
It was so rough, a normal human would have been left bruised but I was a goddess now and I didn't care. I wanted the wild mating, I needed to claim and be claimed by someone wonderful. Someone I loved. My heart needed to be burned by Kirill’s passion so it could rise from the ashes and feel whole again. I needed the physical representation that life would go on. That this too would pass.
Kirill shouted out his pleasure as I felt him jerk inside me, setting off my own completion. He slumped to the side, pulling me with him and I found myself lying across his chest, playing with the long braid he’d made of his hair for the evening. I undid it slowly, spreading the heavy silk of it over us, and running my fingers through it over and over.
I loved Kirill’s hair. Shiny black, it hung past his ass in a glory any woman would envy but it never seemed feminine on him. Hell, Kirill could dress in drag and still look all male.
I studied his face. Square jaw, lightly stubbled. Strong, long nose. Sharp cheekbones beneath wide, deep blue eyes. Ebony lashes curling out, their color echoed in the sweeping brows that could be so expressive on him. His forehead was high, regal looking, pulling it all together in a complete picture of rough beauty.
“Vervain,” ah… that Russian accent didn’t hurt either. “I feel somezing.”
“Me too, baby,” I giggled and began to kiss my way down his chest, “I’m getting to it, give me a second.”
“No,” he laughed a little but quickly sobered. “There’s an energy fading from porch. Someone vas here.”
“What?” I sat up and crawled over to the window.
Pulling aside the fabric that lined not only the window but the walls of my tented living room, I peered cautiously outside. No one was there but something was sitting in front of my door. I let the fabric fall back and stood.
“I think someone just left another arrangement on the steps,” I opened the door and sure enough, there was a vase of flowers. I froze.
“Vervain?” Kirill came up behind me.
The simple crystal vase was overflowing with the most beautiful roses and jasmine, the likes of which this world has never seen. But I’d seen them before… in Duat, the Egyptian Underworld.
“It’s from Anubis,” I picked up the vase as I scanned the front lawn but he was gone now, I was sure of it. “Did you sense a presence while we…?” The thought of Anubis standing on my porch while I made love to my lion was disturbing, to say the least.
“No,” Kirill pulled me back inside and shut the door, locking it with an ominous click. “I zink he delivered zem after ve’d finished and then he just left.”
I noticed the card tucked into the monstrous blooms and plucked it out. The elegant script seemed a mockery to the message it conveyed. Although maybe it was my paranoia making the words seem more menacing than they actually were.
“Never fear Death, nor mourn his arrival,” I read aloud, “for Death is just another life, another man patiently waiting for your company. When you grow tired of the pain, Vervain, I will gladly end it for you. Love always, Anubis.”
Kirill started to growl but I just shook my head and crumpled the note. I had a crazy stalker who just so happened to be Death. Nothing to worry about, nothing unusual here, just another day in the life of Vervain Lavine. It didn't help that I'd kissed him, he'd probably found that a bit encouraging. Sigh.
I couldn’t bring myself to toss away the beautiful flowers, I never threw away any of Anubis’ gifts actually. I didn’t like to waste. In fact, I'd been able to sell off some of the jewelry I'd been wearing the day we were supposed to be married. The diamonds had brought in more than I imagined they were worth. I was set for life and could now support my lions if need be. All thanks to Anubis' generosity. So at least some good came from him.
I put the flowers on the dining table, where they immediately dominated the other arrangements. Not surprising that Anubis’ blooms would be the most impressive, even amongst other god given flowers. The Jackal God was never one to be outdone, dominating was part of his repertoire. I shivered a little as I turned away and remembered the way he had tried to dominate me.
Kirill would have none of that though and I soon found myself in his thick arms, being carried down the hallway. I tried to lose myself in the magic of my lion, I kissed him as he snuggled into the bed beside me, but as I lay there listening to his strong heartbeat, I felt again, the weight of the collar on my neck, drawn down heavily by the length of chain that had bound me to Anubis. I reached a hand up to rub at the skin it used to cover, sometimes it felt like it was still there.
Would it always be this way or was this a normal healing process for victims? Sometimes I thought it was worse for me because I was such a fighter. Anubis' control over me, the things he made me do, were all choreographed to cause the most damage to my psyche. It was a brilliant plan and it triumphed spectacularly. At the end, I'd felt broken, a powerless pawn. It was my greatest nightmare and even though Anubis had fallen for me and begged my forgiveness, I still wore the scars of his torture on my heart. I still felt the collar on my neck.
Trevor was right, I was twisted to have kissed him.
I closed my eyes tighter, scared as I burrowed deeper into my lion's side, not because I feared Anubis would ever chain me again but because in some ways I missed it. I missed the simplicity of being bound without choice, without option. No battles to fight, no decisions to make… and to be really honest with myself, I missed Anubis too.
What the hell was I going to do about the God of the Dead?
Chapter Eighteen
It was August eighth, my birthday.
My Mom had said I'd been born on a very fortunate day, the number eight being the number of perfection and magic, but bad things had a tendency of happening around my birthday and I was coming to think that maybe I'd been a harbinger of doom. I'm not just talking about bad things in my life either. Lots of natural disasters liked to happen close to my special day. This year, I decided I wasn't going to celebrate it.
Instead, I'd gone to lunch with my Mom, Kirill, Odin, and our sons, and we spent some time becoming more familiar with our new family situation. It had gone well, which was more than I had hoped for this inauspicious day, and I was content when I opened the door to my house.
The low, Moroccan table in the living room was covered with presents. My friends, god and otherwise, had been dropping them off for days. I really appreciated their thoughtfulness but I couldn't bring myself to open presents now. I was going to save them for a time when I felt like celebrating.
“You should go see Odin tomorrow,” Kirill suggested as we went toward the bedroom.
“Yeah, if for no other reason than to get more antibiotic,” I grimaced.
“Let me make bath for you, Tima,” he kissed my cheek and went into the bathroom.
I smiled as I removed my clothes. A hot bath was just what I needed and Kirill was so good at that lately, anticipating my needs. I pulled the heavy chain with the emerald pendant on it, over my head and laid it gently in the bottom drawer of my Chinese, carved jewelry box. I loved the box, had in fact purchased it to match my bed, and it went really well in the room. I glanced at the stone jewelry box that Anubis had given me. It seemed out of place, as out of place as my affection for him was. Maybe I should get rid of it.
“Vervain,” Kirill called from the bathroom that was attached to my master bedroom, “vater's ready.”
I went in, happily forgetting about Anubis for the moment, and smiled at Kirill as he helped me into the water. It was wonderful, so soothing on my aching muscles and wounded heart. I leaned back and let my hair get soaked. Kirill kissed me on the cheek and left me to have some alone time. See, just what I needed.
I soaked away my blues until the water got cold and finally got out, pruned but happy. I dried off, wrapped my hair up in a towel, and took my time rubbing some lotion in. By the time I was done, my hair was dry enough to take down. It still hung in damp strands down my back but it wasn't dripping anymore. I ended up piling it on my head with a claw clip.
I came out of the bathroom wearing just my satin bathrobe, and found Kirill sitting at the foot of the bed, in the single opening of the bed's walls. In his hands was a small cheesecake with a single candle on it. The little light burned bright, sending beams through the carved walls of the bed and casting shadows over Kirill's face.
“Happy Birthday, Vervain,” he smiled gently and shrugged. “Just a small celebration with you and I. Ve don't have to tell anyone.”
I swallowed hard, blinking back the threatening tears. In that moment, I wanted no other man in my life. I wanted to tell Trevor and Odin both to take a flying leap, that I'd found the only man who could truly make me happy. If only I could, I huffed a small overwhelmed sound from my chest and went forward to stand in front of him. He stood up and held the cake with one hand, between us.
“Make vish,” he brushed a stray strand off my cheek, “and make it good because I vant to see you smile.”
“Kirill,” I lost hold of a single tear that snaked its way down my cheek.
“I said smile,” he wiped it away, “not cry. Vhy you alvays have to be so stubborn?”
“I love you so much,” I whispered and looked down at that single candle.
It seemed to take on so much meaning for such a skinny little thing. A turning point rested in the tiny flame, a wish that could change my life it it were fulfilled. What would it be? Should I wish for Trevor to come home or should I be more pragmatic and wish for Xi Wangmu to be defeated? Maybe I should wish for Anubis to find a lover and leave me alone or that the lioness magic be kept happy with the three lovers I already had. In the end, I made a very simple wish. No, I can't tell you. Then it won't come true.
I blew out the candle and smiled. Kirill smiled back at me in the sudden dark, his eyes shining like a cat's. He put the cake down on my dresser and flipped on the overhead light. There was a blue satin pouch sitting next to my birthday cake and he picked it up and handed it to me.
“One present to open,” he gestured toward the bed and I sat.
He put the pouch in my hands and I held it a moment, just looking over the soft material and wondering what Kirill could have possibly chosen for me. I opened it and emptied the contents into my palm, then felt my face go slack. In amazement, I held up the set of hair combs to the light so I could admire the craftsmanship better.
I knew Kirill carved wood, I'd cleared off the desk in his room so he'd have a work station for just that purpose. I also knew he was good, I'd seen plenty of his work, but these combs were beyond what I thought he was capable of.
The wood shone like gold, sweeping down into wide spaced teeth that would gently hold my hair in place. At the top of one was an intricate carving of a lion's head, looking so lifelike, I expected him to shake out his mane at any second. His eyes stared at me softly, a gentle beast. The other comb was topped with the head of a lioness, as lifelike as her mate, she too stared at me in quiet satisfaction. Worked into the wood of each comb were gold wires, highlighting the scrollwork he'd carved to surround the animals. They were breathtaking.
“Kirill,” I pulled him down into a hug. “Thank you. They are so beautiful.”
“You're velcome, Vervain,” he kissed me while I held his gifts against my heart. “Now ve eat cake, da?”
“Da,” I smiled and laughed, scooting myself back into the bed as he grabbed the cake and the two forks he had ready.
I put the combs up on one of the shelves built into the walls of my bed and waited for my lion to bring me cheesecake. Maybe my birthday wasn't so bad afterall.
Chapter Nineteen
“Thanks,” I tucked the fresh syringes of antibiotic away in my purse and when I turned back, I found Odin eying Kirill and Vidar.
“Vali said he'd meet us by the lake,” Vidar said with a knowing smile.
“I vould like to best him at fishing too,” Kirill grinned back and followed my son from the room without a single word to me.
Odin directed his piercing peacock eye at me and I shivered. We hadn't been alone together since before Trevor had left and the separation suddenly hit me. I started toward him but barely made it a step before he was picking me up and carrying me to the stairs leading to our room.
He was kissing me as he shut the door, his hands holding me tight as his magic formed other hands to roam my body. He set me on my feet near the mammoth bed, only to remove my clothes before throwing me down on the furs. There were invisible mouths sucking and licking at me before Odin even lowered his body to mine and I sighed, wondering how I could live without this god's magical love making.
