by Ashley Erin
The lighting is soft and warm. There are simple wall sconces throughout and then in the center is a unique glass blown chandelier. It’s not fancy or large, but the way it reflects light gives the room a subtle shimmer, a magical quality.
The bar is in the center of the room with comfortable wooden stools all the way around. Along the outer wall are cozy booths, some large enough to fit big groups and others more intimate for couples. The kitchen is down the hall to provide optimum space for the customers. This place is a hidden gem and the comfort of being here automatically relaxes me at least a little.
Scanning the room I see Jesse as he shouts my name and I meander through the crowd of people to the booth he has snagged us.
“What’s up?” Jesse fist bumps me as I take a seat.
“Not much. Needed a night out. Maybe we could hook up with a couple women, I think I finally recovered from the disaster that was Yvette.” Jesse looks at me critically but I scan the crowd and avoid his gaze. Linger is always busy, right from when it opens at four in the afternoon until it closes at three in the morning. As I run my gaze over the crowd I see a group of women in a booth at the opposite end of ours.
“Over there. I bet we could have a good time with them.” I need to forget. I need to find someone else that I connect with since Emma is apparently unavailable. Clenching my jaw against the visual that fills my mind, I look at Jesse waiting for his response.
I’m not sure if there is a hint of desperation in my voice or expression, but despite Jesse’s lack of enthusiasm he agrees. “Alright man, if that’s what you need. I will be your wingman, but I don’t see anyone for me. Let’s have some beer and catch up first though. It’s been almost a month since we last came out.” Jesse flags down the server and orders us a couple Big Rock Traditional Ale’s.
Taking a large gulp, I savor the flavor in my mouth. “Damn we brew good beer here.” Jesse nods in agreement and we scan the crowd. No familiar faces which is unusual.
“So what’s going on with you? How are things at the ranch?”
“We have some foals that have good prospects. I’m trying to find ways to expand, but at the same time things are flowing so smoothly I might just leave it. Other than that I’m good. What about you?” He arches a brow at me but let’s my lie slide. It won’t last long.
“I’m tired of working at a desk. I want to be outside, but I want to stick close to home. I feel trapped in so many ways.” The unhappiness in Jesse’s voice shocks me and the fact I have no idea what is going on in my friends life makes me feel like shit.
“I had no idea. What a crappy friend I am.”
“I hide it well, but I’m exhausted from pretending to be something I’m not.” Jesse looks me in the eye and I get the feeling he is talking about more than dissatisfaction at work.
“You don’t need to hide, whatever it is you know I have your back. As for the work, I have been tossing around the idea of hiring someone to help me, are you interested?”
“Seriously? Fuck! That’s awesome!” We grin at each other and I realize that this is the first time since I sat down that Jesse has smiled. What the hell is going on? He flags down the server and we order a couple more beers.
“Dane, what happened with that girl? Emma right?” Jesse holds my gaze, unwavering and I groan. I don’t want to talk about it.
“Yeah Emma. Not much to tell. She moved back. I showed I was interested. We shared a kiss that fucking blew every other kiss away and the next morning I went to surprise her and a guy opened the door in his underwear. She’s tried talking to me, but I’m too angry.”
“I think you should talk to her.”
“I need to calm down first. She’s still a part of our family and I know I need to see her, but fuck that hurt. I never expected that of her.” My body hurts from the reality of waiting for something that would never happen and Jesse looks at me with empathy.
“Maybe you will be surprised. Talk to her.” Jesse picks up his beer when I look at him questioningly and I know sharing time is over. I’m not ready to talk to Emma and I already yelled at Lia and Ryan when they have tried to bring the situation up. I can’t handle the pitying looks anymore.
“Ok. Let’s go talk to those girls.” Sliding out of the booth, I leave Jesse with no choice but to follow me to where they have started dancing. He groans and I briefly wonder why he has no interest, but my mind focuses on one thought. Forget.
Avoiding all brunettes, I start dancing with a blonde. She is pretty, with a short sleek cut and bright blue eyes. She smiles and it lights up her face. Wow. Her smile changes her from pretty to stunning.
“I’m Charlie.” She yells over the music as her hips sway with mine.
“Dane.” The song changes to a slow song and I pull her into me.
Her body is curvy and soft, I should feel aroused as we move together.
Nothing.
As we chat, she is sweet and funny.
Nothing.
Fuck me.
Despite my best efforts Emma’s smiling face fills my mind and I close my eyes as I try to wipe her from my mind.
Why won’t my body and mind forget the way it feels? When Natalie made eyes at anyone with a dick and I caught on it was easy to forget. Why can’t I forget how I feel about Emma?
Because it’s real. As that thought flutters through my mind, I apologize to Charlie and leave the pub. The door slams behind me and Jesse’s voice breaks the silence.
“You need to talk to her.” He pushes away from the wall where he was leaning. I hadn’t even notice him leave the bar. Without another word he walks over to his car, leaving me standing there gaping after him.
“FUCK!” Jumping into my truck, I slam the door. I’m not ready to talk to her. She lied to me by omission.
We’re singing along to My Fault by Imagine Dragons and I’m laughing at my dad’s animated gestures. Looking to my right, I smile at the grin on Dane’s face. He hasn’t seen my parents in years and he is thoroughly enjoying this visit. He reaches his hand over to squeeze mine and I’m the happiest I can remember being.
I wish everyone was able to come to dinner, but Lia, Ryan and Alex all had to work. Dad continues to joke around and mom is smiling at his antics. Mom has never tired of his humor and neither have I. He is one of the funniest people I know and is always coming up with some new joke to tell us. My mom, on the other hand, is soft spoken, kind, gentle and generous. They complement each other perfectly and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have them.
Sighing contentedly, I turn to look out the window. My mind wanders to the upcoming weekend and all that I have planned for my parents visit when squealing tires break into my thoughts. Quickly looking to the right, my mother and I scream as a semi-truck comes careening into us . . .
“Emma! Emma! Wake up, you’re okay.” Alex’s calm voice breaks through my screams and I choke awake. Tears are streaming down my face as I turn into him sobbing. Breathing in short abrupt bursts the panic rises and my body shakes with the pain in my heart.
Alex pulls me into his arms and holds me. He is used to this routine and I will never be able to show him how much I appreciate his patience and comfort. Squeezing him hard my breathing evens out and the tears slowly come to a stop. I pull away and look out my window. It’s dark and I have been asleep for several hours. The thought of going to sleep again scares the hell out of me, but it’s too early in the morning to get up.
“Will you stay with me?” I whisper. Alex nods and crawls over to the other side of the bed. I remember doing this for him when he first moved in with us. It’s come full circle that he is now returning the favor. Just having him there will help keep the nightmares away.
Alex falls asleep and I lay there listening to his even breaths. Matching my breathing to his, I try to clear my mind of my nightmare before rolling away from him and dozing off.
Waking up earlier than normal, I quickly feed the horses and jog with them before going into the house. After sleeping like crap, I look
like hell. It’s amazing what one night of poor sleep will do. The black bags under my eyes are back and there is a droop to my mouth that hasn’t been there since I first moved up here.
Coming into the house the smell of bacon makes me smile. Alex had still been asleep when I got up, but he must have crawled out of bed shortly after I did. He knows me so well, understanding that I won’t want to go to the Hyatt’s for breakfast. And after a nightmare I always enjoy pigging out on my favorite comfort foods, bacon and French toast.
My mouth starts watering at the smells that are assaulting me as I walk through the house. I have already texted Lia and came up with an excuse about not coming to breakfast. Her response made me chuckle.
Lia: This is your one free pass to miss breakfast. Tomorrow, I bring out my ropes.
She sees through my excuse and so giving into temptation I text her back.
Me: Have you been able to talk to him?
No sense in beating around the bush. I want to know what I’m in for tomorrow.
Lia: No, he won’t talk with us about it, but that’s Dane for you. Things will settle down, everything will be ok. Want to hang out later?
Oh, never mind. I forgot you had plans with Alex. I heart you hard!
Me: I heart you hard too.
Tossing my phone onto my desk before making my way into the kitchen, I don’t bother trying to hide how utterly exhausted I am. Alex looks at me and purses his lips as I sit down at the breakfast bar with a resigned sigh.
Ignoring the look on his face, “I thought we could take Chandler and Serenity out today. It will be good practice for you.” I’ve been attempting to teach Alex to ride for years, but horses have always been more my passion. He enjoys looking after them when I go to signings or I’m sick, but in terms of riding he prefers his feet planted firmly on the ground. He will come around, there is a cowboy in him yet.
“You know I don’t need to practice something if I don’t intend on doing it frequently, right? However, I will go along just because I love you.” Grinning at him as I wolf down my breakfast, I push aside my worry about Dane.
Lia’s words ring through my head that I will not lose them, no matter what happens with Dane. The tiny, pessimistic voice in the back of my head whispers that I may not lose Lia or Ryan, but I could potentially lose Dane. I shove those thoughts to the dark corners of my mind where I store all my guilt and worries and give myself a mental shake as I finish eating. Hugging Alex in thanks for breakfast, I throw on my cowboy boots and head out to get the horses ready.
Grinning to myself as I carry Serenity’s saddle to the paddock, the excitement that always accompanies any time spent with my horses sets in. I swing the saddle to rest on the rail and turn around to go grab Chandler’s equipment, halting when I see Dane coming out of their barn with his horse. Fighting my flight instinct I start to walk over to him. He looks at me and before I can take ten steps he has swung up into the saddle and taken off at a canter in the opposite direction.
There was a time when that kind of action would just piss me off. Part of that girl still remains as anger floods through my body at how he won’t even give me the chance to explain.
Underlying that though, overwhelming it even, is the panic and pain that accompanies any risk of losing someone I care about. In the short few weeks I have been home Dane has become an integral part of my life . . . again.
One kiss was all it took to change that. One kiss was all it took to increase the risk of losing another person from my life. One kiss may be enough to break me.
From the shadow of the barn, I see Emma carrying her saddle to the paddock. She has a smile on her face but unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, the deep purple shadows under her eyes are back. My heart pounds with desire at the sight of her, but when I see the guy come out of her house to stand on the porch, rage fills me.
Leading Charger out of the barn, Emma’s gaze meets mine and it feels like she is stabbing me over and over. She starts to walk towards me, but I’m still too angry. Gritting my teeth I pull myself into the saddle and take off.
Seeing her with him is going to be a slow and torturous death.
I take extra time on my chores to avoid going home, not riding into the yard until I’m sure Emma won’t be outside. Belle stands alone in the paddock and I realize they went for a ride together. The feeling of being punched in the gut returns and I rush through brushing Charger.
I go straight to my room, ignoring Lia and Ryan as they yell at me for avoiding them and being a jackass. She deceives me and I’m the jackass? Whatever. Right now, I’m finding it hard to care about anything. It fucking hurts to care.
Slamming my door behind me, I strip out of my clothes and turn on the shower. Covered in dirt, and feeling numb from pushing myself today I crawl under the stream of hot water.
Never in my life have I felt so torn up. A stampede of horses trampling me is almost preferred to the constant mental and emotional ringer I’m being tossed through. Emma surrounds me in everything. Her photos are throughout our house and she has taken over my dreams.
The way her lips felt on mine and the memory of her soft moans is torture, my body reacts even just thinking about her legs wrapped around my waist, her body pushing into mine.
My hands fist in my hair as I try to push her from my mind, but it doesn’t work. She’s always fucking there. Always out of reach. Just when I think we are finally going to have our chance, she is ripped away from me again.
The water turns cold and the reality of time slipping away as I drown in my thoughts, I shove the tap in and dry off vigorously. My cock is hard from thinking about her and the urge to give in to the need for release is strong.
“Get down!” I yelled at my dick. I’m going crazy.
Throwing on my sweats, I lay in bed and put my earbuds in. Cranking it loud, I drown out my thoughts with Memphis May Fire’s album Challenger. Listening to the songs and memorizing the lyrics, I finally find peace and allow myself to drift off to sleep.
Alex comes out of the house and grabs Chandler’s equipment off the porch before I have a chance to get there. Carefully schooling my expression into one of calmness, I begin saddling up the horses. Lia’s massage therapy has done wonders for Belle and I promise her I will take her out soon.
“Ride Serenity, she knows the property well now and I don’t want you to be nervous.” Alex typically rides Chandler because he is the bigger horse and they are a better fit, but I want to ensure he knows the lay of the land before I throw Alex up there.
I quickly hop up onto Chandler’s back and laugh as Alex awkwardly swings onto Serenity’s back. She turns her head to look at him and I’m pretty sure if horses could roll their eyes hers would be rolling.
With an “oof” and some choice words, Alex sits up on Serenity. Turning Chandler away from Alex, I restrain my laughter until a snort sneaks out. Unable to hold it back, I lay on Chandler’s neck as I laugh, tears running down my cheeks.
“Oh sure, laugh it up. Not everyone does this every day you know!” He chuckles. The relief in his face at my laughter is evident. Apparently I didn’t hide the shift in my mood from Dane’s quick departure as well as I had thought.
Narrowing my eyes a bit, I would be willing to bet he exaggerated his struggle to get me to laugh. He winks at me confirming my suspicion and I can’t help but grin.
Refocusing my attention on getting ready to ride, I close my eyes and breathe deeply while speak lowly to Chandler. Feeling him underneath me, I clear my mind and focus on our connection. The connection and feeling a rider has on their horse is crucial. I always go through this ritual whenever I ride because whatever is going on outside has nothing to do with my time with the horses. Chandler takes a deep breath and lowers his head, he can feel the shift in my energy and I know we are ready to go.
Alex and I keep to my 10 acres and wind through the paths at a leisurely pace.
“This property is truly beautiful. It must have been terrible leaving it behind.”
>
“At first it was, but then I met you. I always wished to come back here, but in my mind, you were here with me.” We smile at each other and I continue leading the way through the trees.
Glancing down, I smile as Chloe walks alongside us. She has been trailing Chandler’s heels since the start. Alex always calls her my shadow because she is always by my side or within sight. Last night she had slept between Alex and me in an attempt to provide more comfort. Typically Chloe sleeps by the front door, I believe in order to guard me while I am sleeping, however whenever I have a nightmare she always crawls into bed with me.
Between Alex, Chloe and my horses, the support I have keeps me grounded. When that support expanded to once again include the Hyatt’s, I couldn’t have been happier. Most people wouldn’t consider me shy, especially once they know me, but I am guarded with new relationships. That only increased after my parents passed away, but with the Hyatt’s I never imagined that I would need to shield myself from any of them.
My heart aches for Dane and the state our friendship is in. I can’t even call it a relationship as we only shared one kiss. Allowing myself to open up to the possibility of being more was extremely difficult for me and the pain associated with his withdrawal makes me wonder if it was worth it. My mind battles between two different outcomes.
Eventually he will see that Alex and I are nothing more than friends and essentially siblings. When that time comes will he want to rekindle what we started and if he does, should we? Recalling the heat in the kiss and the way I felt makes me wish we could pick up right from that night. The other side of me, the guarded one, says to call it a day and go back to being friends.
“Earth to Emma . . .” Alex laughs as I come out of my reverie and look back at him. “Uh oh. I know that look. You are overanalyzing things again aren’t you? Wait, I don’t even need you to answer that. Let me tell you something, as your best friend and your brother, I am not going to allow you to think about this. Things will work out however they do and we are just going to go with the flow.” I give him a small smile, he is right.
