by HL TRUSLOVE
You were desperate to get back, and now that you’re here they’ve thrown this choice at you. This momentous decision – that you never asked for. It doesn’t exactly make you feel… welcome.
You went through all of this hardship, just to be faced with a shitty situation when you get back. How is that fair? How is that something you want to be a part of?
And all at once, it dawns on you. It isn’t a snowball, a gradual realisation that gets bigger until it can’t be ignored, it’s more of a storm, coming down all at once and drenching you in the idea.
You can’t be here any more.
It’s almost freeing to realise. A weight immediately feels lifted from you. You don’t know where you’ll end up, but you know you’ll be happier anywhere that isn’t here.
A smile creeps over your face. The first one of the day.
You have a plan.
You spend the rest of the day keeping to yourself. People try to talk to you, and you answer them with courtesy and polite bluntness. You don’t give away what you’re thinking about. You just nod your head and engage in idle conversation. You wish Fanon a good night that evening and head into your tent.
Then, you wait for the camp to fall silent.
You’re left sitting up for a few hours, ears pricked up as you listen to the outside world. The talking turns to murmuring, which turns to quiet. You know there will probably be people awake on guard duty, but it’s easier to sneak by a couple of individuals than the whole camp.
When you’re sure everything has been still for at least half an hour, you leave your tent, carefully collapsing it and putting it on your pack. It’s something you’ve become used to doing silently. Nobody notices when you bundle yourself up against the cold and begin to leave camp.
You walk silently, past the latrines, past the mess hall. You pass Mari’s tent with extra care; you don’t know how heavy a sleeper she is, but you really don’t want to risk waking her up. You can’t imagine that would end well.
Nobody is on guard on this side of the camp. You think you’re going to get away scot-free.
Then you hear the voice behind you.
Turn to 32.A, Needs Gaia in Tow OR Gaia’s Badge.
* * *
Turn to 32.C, Needs Gaia in Tow OR Gaia’s Badge.
* * *
Otherwise – Turn to 32.B.
32.A
“Where are you going?”
It’s probably the only voice that could make you freeze. You turn round and face Gaia.
She’s cold, each breath spitting out tiny puffs of frost into the air. She’s clearly just woken up, just wearing her pyjamas with her coat pulled roughly over the top of it. Her shoes look like they’re on the wrong feet. She must have noticed you going and come after you.
It’s sweet. It also makes you feel absolutely terrible.
“I just needed to… get some air,” you say. It isn’t very convincing.
“With your entire pack?
“I—”
“And your tent?”
It looks like Gaia is about to cry. You drop your pack onto the muddy ground and come over to her.
“Gaia, I’m sorry.”
“Why? Why are you going?”
“Because…” It’s hard to put it into words that she’ll understand. “Because this place isn’t home for me any more, Gaia. Not here, not the vault. Nowhere is. And if I stay here, they’re going to try to force me to be a person who’s just… all right with all of this. That isn’t me any more. I can’t make myself be something I’m not.”
“You think you’ll be happier out there? It’s horrible out there.”
Yes, you can see why she’d think that. You didn’t have a wonderful experience when you were on your own in the Old World, but it was a damn sight better than hers. You take her hands. They’re shaking, just like her lower lip.
“I won’t be happier there, but at least I won’t be made to do anything, or to be anything. Or make decisions that I don’t want to make.”
“This is about Mari, isn’t it?”
“Word travels fast, huh?” you laugh humourlessly.
“You could always just... tell her no. You don’t have to run away into the night.”
“It’s not just that, Gaia. Even if I do say I won’t answer her question, nothing will ever be the same. There will still be this… I don’t know, this responsibility assigned to me. I’ll always be the person who got lost. But out there? I’m just a person. A person with no story behind them. Nothing to live up to.”
“Then let me go with you!”
“I don’t think you want that,” you tell her quietly, wiping a tear from her eye. She relents quickly, sighing. She doesn’t.
“But I’ll miss you,” she says. “You’re the only one who… understands.” It breaks your heart.
“I’ll miss you too. But Gaia, you’ll be fine. You’re stronger than me, you know.”
She launches herself into your arms and holds you so tight you think your ribs might break.
“They’ll be angry when they see you’re not here.”
“I know. That’s why I’m asking you to give me a head start. Please don’t tell anyone I’m gone. Let me have tonight.”
Gaia lets you go slowly. Later, you realise it’s the last time you’ll ever hug her.
“All right,” she says. “Just… look after yourself.”
“I will. You too, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
There’s nothing left to say. You pick your pack back up and walk into the night.
The low light from the camp’s electric lamps frame Gaia as you leave. She stays planted where she is, watching you go. You wave at her. She hesitates before waving back.
The next time you turn around, you can’t see her any more.
You don’t stop walking.
THE END.
32.B
“It’s a bit late for a stroll, don’t you think?”
Fanon’s voice sends a shock of white-hot dread through you. You turn slowly, expecting him to look angry.
He isn’t. His arms are crossed, like he’s caught a naughty schoolchild breaking curfew, but there’s a look of soft amusement on his face. You get the sense you’re not really in trouble.
“I can explain—”
“Can you?”
You sigh.
“No. Well, yes, but you probably won’t like it.”
Fanon sighs and comes up to you. You brace yourself for… something.
He takes your chin in his hand and tilts your face up so you’re looking at him.
“I understand, you know. If I hadn’t had a daughter when I was in your situation, I might even have done the same.”
His words are reassuring, if a little sad.
“I just want you to be sure this is what you want. If you choose to leave, it’s unlikely people will welcome you back if you change your mind.”
“I can’t be here any more, Fanon. I can’t be this thing that the vault wants me to be. This… figurehead. It isn’t me. And it isn’t fair for them to want it to be.”
He nods, understanding. His hand drops and for a moment you’re confused until you see it’s because he’s removing your badge. The badge that designated you as an explorer from the vault.
“What will you tell Mari?”
“The truth. That I woke up, had breakfast, and when I went to find you, your tent was gone.”
He chuckles to himself and in spite of everything, you find yourself smiling.
“You have my blessing. I just want you to promise you’ll be careful. You, more than anyone, know it’s a dangerous world out there. Not one to be entered lightly.”
“I know.”
Fanon pulls you into a hug. You accept it, wrapping your arms around him tightly. You know this will probably be the last hug you have for a while. You want to try to remember it.
You don’t say anything else. Instead, you untangle yourself from Fanon and slowly walk away. You
turn around quite a few times. Each time he’s still there, silhouetted by the low light of the camp’s electric lamps, and each time he waves. Eventually, you get far enough away that you can’t see him.
You keep walking, into the darkness, and into freedom.
THE END.
32.C
“What are you doing?”
The voice sends ice down your spine. You turn slowly on your heel and find Gaia staring blearily at you. She’s wrapped in her coat, but you can see that her pyjamas are on underneath it. She must have noticed that something was wrong, that you weren’t where you were meant to be, and threw on the nearest possible clothing to follow you out.
“I’m… just going for a walk,” you lie. Gaia’s gaze shifts to the fully stuffed pack on your back, and her eyebrows raise.
“... Permanently,” you finish. Despite the gravity of the situation, Gaia lets out a little laugh.
“Come back to camp,” she begs you quietly.
“I can’t, Gaia.”
“Why?”
You want to tell her everything, you do, but all the words try to tumble out of your mouth all at once and get tied up with each other. All that leaves your lips is a long, trailed off ‘eehhh…’.
“Right,” says Gaia. She doesn’t look angry, but disappointed, which arguably hurts worse. She can never understand your experience of this place. Nobody can, really.
But then again, you realise… you can’t understand hers either.
“Come with me,” you say. She jumps at the idea like she’s been electrocuted.
“With you?” she echoes.
“Yes. The two of us. They’re never going to understand what we’ve been through. Not back at the vault. And then what? We spend the rest of our lives stuck underground again, prodded and poked to retell our stories over and over again? Or we can take what’s happened to us and… go.”
You sweep your hand across the horizon. It really is vast, an empty land full of possibility. Above, hundreds of stars shine down on the two of you.
After a tense moment of silence she says something that you weren’t really expecting.
“Okay.”
“What?” you ask, snapping your head from gazing skywards.
“I said okay. All right. I’ll do it. Just… give me a minute, okay? Wait here,” she tells you, scurrying off back towards camp.
You do, of course, because she asked you, using your pack as a lumpy and uncomfortable chair. For a moment your breath gets caught in your throat as you worry that she might be alerting the camp to what you’re going to do, get them to try to stop you. But you quickly release the thought.
She wouldn’t do that. Not now. Not to you.
After a few minutes you see her head bobbing towards you. She’s bundled up in more appropriate clothes this time, her own rucksack tied tightly on her back. You notice how small the size of it is and she shrugs.
“They got rid of my tent after the storm. It got ruined by the wind, apparently, and I wasn’t there to claim it, so…”
You feel like there’s more she’s not telling you, about how she ended up with Dagger, but it’s too soon to push into that. Instead you just hold out a hand to her, inviting, comforting. Uniting you as a force against whatever this world has to throw at you.
She considers it for a moment and then threads her fingers through yours.
“Where will we go?” she asks quietly.
“Wherever will have us.”
“How will we survive?”
“Together.”
It’s not the answer she was looking for, exactly, but she nods anyway. You give her hand a little squeeze and start walking away from the camp for the last time.
And you thrive.
THE END.
Chapter 33
Ending four
33.0
Mari’s words buzz around your head like bees, ricocheting off the inside of your skull.
“They want me to… to…”
She shrugs, blasé.
“I’m just as taken aback as you are. But, apparently, you’re the expert now. So, what’s your decision, chief?”
And just like that, everything flashes before your eyes.
The past.
Coming over here.
Getting lost. Staying lost.
Fighting to be safe. Being in danger every second you weren’t near people. Being in danger even when you were near people.
Spilling blood. Feeling it, warm and red on your hands.
People's screams. Your screams.
The present.
Coming home. Feeling safe – for a moment.
Having this dumped on you.
Feeling like you passed from one horror straight into the arms of another.
Knowing you aren’t qualified to make this decision. Knowing whatever you choose will be wrong.
Knowing lives will be at risk – because of you.
The future.
Having to be responsible for the decision you make, no matter how bad it might turn out to be. Because you were forced into it. Because the decision was taken away from you. Because you weren’t allowed to be your own person any more. Because you spent so long trying to come ‘home’ that you didn’t even think about what would happen when you got back.
Everything… begins to splinter.
Fragmenting into little pieces.
Mari’s worried face disappears and Fanon’s voice becomes fuzzy. He might be asking if you’re all right, but you really can’t tell any more.
As the whole world falls to shards around you, you hear screaming and it takes a moment to realise it’s coming from your throat. Then you feel it with such force, it’s like you’re trying to scream your lungs straight out of your body.
And
Then
You
Shatter
Too.
Turn to 33.A, Needs Gaia in Tow OR Gaia’s Badge.
* * *
Otherwise, Turn to 33.B.
33.A
As soon as I heard the screaming, I knew who it was.
We’d been travelling together for long enough that I could recognise their voice. I didn’t tell them, of course, but sometimes they’d wake up screaming in the night. I don’t think they knew they did it, and I didn’t want to be the one who broke the news to them. Besides, a few gently whispered words and they would usually be lying back down, falling to sleep again.
Of course, that was then. This is now.
This wasn’t the sort of screaming they had during the night, pitchy and arrhythmic. This was full-on wails of terror. It sent ice through my veins.
I’m not a runner by nature but I almost flew over to the strategy tent. I didn’t ask for permission, I just threw back the heavy portal and stormed in.
My friend was on the floor, their knees up to their chest, their hands so tightly in their hair I thought they were going to rip chunks out. Fanon was by their side, trying to talk to them, but Mari was stood back with a look of horror on her face.
We met eyes and she looked truly terrified. I never really liked that woman.
I ran over to my screaming friend and grabbed their wrists, forcing their hands to let go of their hair and grab onto me instead. Their face was drenched in thick tears and snot and sweat. There was… their eyes weren’t the same. I’m not quite sure how to describe it. It was like they weren’t seeing where we were, not really. They recognised me though, I think. At least they quietened down anyway. The screams fell back into terrified murmurings. They began to rock themselves on the floor.
“What happened?!” I shouted.
“I just passed on a message from the vault!” Mari replied, throwing her hands up like she was innocent of all wrongdoing.
“What message? What possibly could have had this reaction?!”
When Fanon explained it to me, I felt something pumping through my veins. Something I didn’t feel often. The white-hot feeling of rage pulsed through me, filling me up. This was the most angry I�
�d ever been. I hadn’t even felt like this when the raiders caught me and shoved me into that cell, beating me and starving me. This was a whole new level of fury. Righteousness for someone who had been done wrong. Someone who didn’t deserve it.
“You idiot!” I screamed at Mari. She took a step back, her eyes wide. “Someone comes back home after being lost, someone who’s emotionally fragile and you put that on them?! No wonder this happened! How could you be so stupid! How did you get put in charge of this place?!”
“Gaia, that’s enough—” Fanon begins behind me, but I swat his words away.
“How dare you. How dare you do this? Look at them!”
I turn to my friend. I’ve moved their head into my lap. Their eyes are wide and glassy. They haven’t stopped rocking.
Mari doesn’t answer me. She looks like she has a lot to say but is keeping it to herself from the way her mouth is twisting. Without another word, she leaves.
Fanon sighs.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“Sorry isn’t good enough.”
“No. I know.” He sighs again. “I think… I think we should get them back home.”
“What do you mean?”
“The vault, Gaia. Home.”
I look down at you. And nod.
It’s not an easy process. We need to get to the coast so a ship can pick us up and take us back to the vault. Firstly the camp needs to be packed up and then we need to make the actual journey to the coast.
