by Mia Ford
While I waited for Diamond I recalled the events of that morning four months ago as if they just happened. It wasn't like I was whispering words of love and commitment to Joshua. I was honest with him from the beginning making no promises. In fact, he never promised me anything either. There was no talk about kids or a big wedding or honeymooning or any of that stuff that goes with that forever kind of love. Not from Joshua. Not a word of it. But the words he did say I was certain he meant. As I thought of them I couldn't help the goose bumps that ran up my arms, like someone had walked over my grave.
"We need to talk?" Joshua had repeated my words as we sat down at the coffee shop not far from work. It was just your average coffee shop with lots of windows and a couple of tables for two with a long counter and annoying employees who practiced their improvisational skills for their theater 101 class as they made your coffee.
"I don't think I like the sound of that." he said, pulling my chair out for me to sit and then sitting down across from me, leaning more than halfway across the little table between us.
"I'm sorry, Joshua. You've been so good to me and I've enjoyed our time together but I don't see it going anywhere." I kept my voice low and soft. I didn't want to hurt him but there were things that I noticed starting to happen between us that I didn't like. He always picked what we were going to do. He told me what to wear and if he didn't like what I had put on out of my own closet he'd take me to a store and drop a couple hundred on a new outfit that I didn't want or need or even like.
Sure, it sounds like fun to be bought things like this. The price tags were never looked at by anyone but me and all I kept seeing wasn't the dress or the shoes but the shackles that they all felt like. It isn't like the movies. Nothing comes for free.
"This certainly is out of the blue."
"No it isn't." I said as kindly as I could, reaching out to touch his hand. "We don't really talk when we are together. Our hobbies and interests are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum and I just have more in common with Mart..."
Joshua started laughing out loud.
“You are saying you have more in common with Marty?”
He threw his head back and laughed loudly as I sat there feeling heat rush up my collar.
"That is because you came from nothing, Natasha. You have to make an effort to understand where I've come from. I can't just stoop to your level just so we can have a hobby together."
What the hell? I remember thinking he may as well have just slapped me right there. I wasn't a Rockefeller. But I wasn't a welfare case either. I swallowed hard and tried to control myself as I looked him right in the eyes. He looked back at me as if he was searching for the chink in my armor.
"That wasn't nice."
"You really think you deserve to be treated nice?"
He sat there staring at me waiting for me to answer. Still leaning over the table at me like I was under cross examination for murder he seemed to enjoy making me feel small and foolish. A switch had been flipped and all I could think was Marty was right.
"Yes. I'm trying to be nice to you. I'm not saying I hate you or that I think there is something wrong with you. I'm just saying I don't want to date anymore. We can still be friends."
The words felt like big, dry, square blocks tumbling out of my mouth. I didn't want to be friends. Not now. I didn't want to be anywhere near this guy at this point. But I was trying to calm the waters for Marty. Just then, as if he heard me think his brother's name, Joshua glared at me. His hands slid across the table and he took hold of mine, squeezing them hard. The ring on my right ring finger of a simple pearl that I had gotten from my father when I turned sixteen was now digging painfully into my middle and pinky fingers.
He tilted his head to the right and smiled at me. Anyone walking by on the street who happened to look in would think we were in love. They would think he was whispering sweet words to me and baring his feelings bravely in a public place. They would be so wrong.
"After all the things I've done for you." he hissed, still smiling like the Cheshire Cat. "After getting you a job, lifting you up out of the gutter. After all the things I bought you, the places I took you, and when you begged for it all the times I fucked you, this is the gratitude you show me?"
"Okay now!" I said, snatching my hands out of his and looking around at the people seated at nearby tables as my cheeks burned red hoping that no one had heard what Joshua just said. "That was totally uncalled for. If you're going to be like that then there is no reason for me to stay. You've made your point, Joshua. I got it." I began to scoop up my purse when I heard his voice. It was so close to me I thought I could feel his hot breath on my face and yet he hadn't moved from his seat.
"Sit your ass down." I looked at him to see the shadow of something sinister creep into his eyes. It reminded me of those nature shows that film the sun going across the sky in elapsed time and the shadows of the trees cross over the ground quickly. That was how fast darkness descended behind Joshua's eyes. My gut told me to run. But, the fearful rabbit that sees the fox inside my brain made me freeze and slip back into my seat. I clutched my purse to my chest as if my wallet and date book and mirrored compact and apartment keys might somehow ward off this evil thing that was staring at me.
"What do you think you can do, Natasha? Just walk away? Do you think my brother can help you?"
Now, I swear I didn't move a muscle on my face. I didn't shift in my chair. I didn't let out a sigh. I didn't do anything. But Joshua read my mind and saw Marty there.
"You do." he chuckled sadistically. "You think my brother the businessman will take you away from all this and what? Marry you? Will he marry you knowing I had you first? Will he stay with you knowing he owes it all to me? My brother will see you as a constant reminder of his baby brother who he hates."
"He doesn't hate you, Joshua." I said trying to appeal to his emotions if only to just get away from this place without making a scene.
"He doesn't?" Joshua asked, blinking. It was the venom in his voice that terrified me.
"No. He's never said anything bad about you. At least not to me. In fact, he's never said a word one way or the other." Again, the dry blocks. What was I saying? How would it help for Joshua to think Marty never gave him a second thought? Marty told me what he thought of his brother. And Joshua knew that or at least if he didn’t before he did now. He could see it in my expression. How dumb was I?
Joshua was practically shaking with rage. Any minute he was going to explode. And what did I do? I just sat there chewing my lip waiting for it to happen.
This wasn't me. This was how other women acted around guys who they were afraid of. Sitting and cowering and waiting for the abuse then once it was all over taking the blame and confessing their undying love for the poor, misunderstood brute. No. This wasn't me. Finally, I got my feet firm on the ground underneath my chair, pushed it noisily away from the little table in order to get every patron looking in my direction and stood up.
"You sit down." Joshua growled.
"I'm going now, Joshua. I'm sorry. Really I am. But you have made this a bad situation. Don't call me anymore." He tried to grab my arm but I wrenched it away, almost spilling the contents of my purse. A little fancy footwork and I was out of the coffee shop, out into the cool air and among the bustle of the sidewalk. Without looking back I ran for the subway.
I don’t know if he chased after me that day or not. It didn't matter. He made it clear that he wasn't going to just go away. And I did the wrong thing after that. I went to tell Marty.
Finally, snapping out of my daydream I saw Diamond push through the revolving door lugging a huge duffle bag with a backpack on her shoulders. I waved, no longer as afraid now that I felt the cavalry had arrived.
"I told you I just need a pair of jeans and a couple t-shirts." I said helping her set the bags down before giving her a big hug.
"I know but while I was there I thought you might need a few other things. There are pajamas, jeans, a sweater or two.
Your make-up. Boots in case it rains and few other things to make the time pass on the train to your parents’ house." Diamond let out a sigh of relief as she slid into the booth opposite me and smiled. "How long are your folks in Europe?"
"They've still got about four weeks left on their vacation."
"And you haven't told them anything about what is going on?"
"No." I said, looking at Diamond as if she had asked me to hop up on the table and moon the hostess. "What could they do except cut their vacation short to come home and sit. No, I'm not going to tell them anything about this ever, if I can help it."
"And what are you going to do there?" Diamond said, touching my hand gently across the table.
I shook my head and felt the tears start to burn my eyes as they surfaced for the first time since this whole mess started. I told her everything that had happened with Joshua. But she had no idea what came next after Marty got involved.
"I wish you would have come to me first, Natasha." he said over the phone.
"Why?" This was not the response I thought I was going to get. Was it too much to ask for Marty to say, "You poor thing, I'm going to protect you, don't you worry"? I guess it was too much to ask because instead of comfort I got a severe scolding like I was a four year old.
"My brother needs to be handled a certain way. Not the way you handled it. This is really going to be a mess if I don't get to him."
"What do you mean a mess?" Images of gruesome crime scenes flashed to mind. I could instantly envision my weird neighbors jockeying for fifteen minutes of fame talking to reporters.
"She was a quiet girl. But I heard she had gotten fired a few times so who knows. Maybe she asked for it."
"No, I didn't know her but I did see some unsavory characters coming and going from her apartment."
"I'm shocked. This kind of thing just doesn't happen around these parts. It happens two blocks down and over. That is the bad part of the city."
Snapping out of it I listened to Marty's voice on the other end of the phone line.
"I'll talk to him. I'll get everything straightened out and you won't have anything to worry about. I promise." Marty said, his voice much more gentle than Joshua's yet I could feel an edge to it as if he were upset with me.
"I thought I was doing the right thing." I said to Diamond who nodded her head. "And for a few weeks things seemed to just go back to normal. Well, as normal as they could be with strangers and photographers rushing at you half a dozen times a day."
I told Diamond that it had become common knowledge that I was seeing Marty. At first things were a little weird as the newspapers had snapshots of me with Joshua one week then quickly being swept away in a limo with Marty the next. It could have turned into an ugly scene at work but I just tried to act like Marty and I were just dating. It was no big deal. He was no different from the lawyer I went out with last year or the computer programmer I spent time with the year before that. I continued to eat with the other girls at lunch telling stories about my family and Diamond of course. If anyone asked me about Marty I would just say that I would like to keep my dating life private and no one seemed to get their feathers ruffled about it. If they said anything behind my back I never heard anything. There were always those who thrived on gossip. I had worked around enough secretarial pools to know that. But I thought if I acted like it was no big deal then the rest of them would too. Sounds good in theory.
Then, about two weeks after I had broken up with Joshua he came into the office. And he wasn't alone. He had a woman with him. She was tall and pretty and seemed to like being in the spotlight. Whether she knew she was being used as a tool to get at me or Marty or both of us I couldn't tell. But she didn't seem to mind. There were also some photographers who not only took his picture but snapped mine more than once.
He made his way to his own office and shut the door leaving the photographers milling around until Marty emerged from his office to tell them to leave. It was after five when Joshua finally emerged from his cave. His guest looked as if she had been crying but according to everyone around they hadn't heard a peep come from the office. Believe me when I tell you they were all listening.
"Joshua," Marty said, with Denise behind him and me off down the hallway and out of sight. "You can't' disrupt business this way."
"You forget, Marty. I am co-owner of this dump. I can do whatever I want."
"Not quite. I've moved for an emergency board meeting to vote on whether or not you are still an asset to this company. I know you have friends on the board." Marty said calmly. "But in light of new developments, they may feel putting their own kids through college and a nice worry-free retirement are more important than whether or not Joshua Hewitt is mad at them."
I watched as Joshua shook with rage. His "date" backed away from him and I was terrified for Denise and Marty who were directly in the line of fire. But Joshua did nothing.
“All this effort for some slut, Marty? Really? What would mom and dad think of you?”
Marty’s eyes narrowed.
“They wouldn’t like her. You know they wouldn’t. She’s nothing but a gold-digging whore. Just remember, she slept with both of us. Me first.”
Those words made me feel like I was going to throw up.
“Go home, Josh. Take a good, long look around your apartment and think about how you’d like to proceed. Can you live without all that? Can you live without all your cars and homes and your allowance? You just think about that before you choose to do anything further to me or Natasha.”
It was like Marty slapped him in the face. The smile fell from Joshua’s face and his eyes bore into his brother. After that he turned and stomped to the elevator. I hid in the shadows and thought as I heard the ping, heard the doors slide open and then shut that it was over. Joshua loved his lifestyle and the only way to maintain it was to be a good boy.
Creeping out from my hiding place I went to Marty. His face lit up as I came toward him.
"I think the worst of it is over." he said confidently. "Denise, go on home. There isn't anything going on that can't wait until morning."
"Sure. But you two be careful." She said in her most motherly voice. I had grown to respect Denise a lot since I had been working with her. She never gossiped and anything you told her was kept as private as the Clinton's Swiss bank accounts. It was a habit I quickly mirrored.
After Denise had grabbed her things and left, Marty and I went into his office. Talking briefly about what had just happened I looked at him not knowing what to say.
His eyes made me think he, too was reading my mind. Except, instead of the brutal intrusion I felt from Joshua, Marty seemed to assure me that my past was not an issue. We made love there, as we had done before, in front of the windows with the lights off and only the city lights below to see us. But this time it was different. This time we clung to each other harder and more passionately as if it was the only way we could express our real feelings for each other.
It was never like this with Joshua who seemed to live for the thrill and not the meaning of the act. But Marty held every part of me gently yet with command and an authority I was willing and wanting to submit to. Most importantly, he held my heart with strong, protective hands.
When we were dressed and sitting together on the sofa in his office I began to cry. I sobbed into his strong, muscular chest and I didn't know why. Well, that wasn't all together true. I was afraid that Joshua was going to make it impossible to stay with Marty.
"Right?" I mean, what would Christmas be like at their house?" I said to Diamond who looked at me with nothing but sympathy. "They were brothers. I was just some girl. I felt in my gut that Marty would have no choice but to choose blood over me."
"What did he say when you told him you felt this way?" She asked, handing me a paper napkin from the dispenser to wipe my eyes and blow my nose.
"I didn't tell him. Not that night. Everything just went downhill from that night on."
About a week later Denise did
n't show up at work. That wasn't like her at all. It would take a case of Ebola to keep her away and even then I wasn't so sure. No one answered her phone at home or her cell. It wasn't until later that we got a call from her husband that she was in the hospital. She had been attacked in the garage of the building. Beaten and robbed. And there was no footage on the security camera.
"She won't be coming back to work." I said to Diamond. "Her arm was broken and her assailant gave her a concussion pounding her head against the concrete floor. She has lost her short term memory." My eyes dried as I repeated this information.
Diamond clenched her jaw.
"Did Joshua do it?"
"I don't know." I shrugged. "If he didn't, I think he paid someone to."
"And does he know about the baby?"
That was all I needed to hear. I couldn't stop the river of tears rolling down my cheeks as I thought of the beautiful little helpless life inside my belly. It was Marty's. There was no doubt about that. And every day and night I thanked God for that knowledge. But I was terrified because there was a devil out to hurt not just me but everyone around me. I shook my head.
"You are the only one who knows. Don't say anything."
"Who am I going to tell?"
I looked at Diamond seriously.
"He might try and find you. Joshua might try and hurt..."
"Please, Nat. It'll take a little more than some rich spoiled brat to intimidate me. If he went after Denise she is an older lady. An easy target, no disrespect."
"Just be on guard is all I'm saying."
"You too, you two." and she pointed at my stomach making me chuckle a little.
I told her when I'd be getting in to my parent's house and that if she talks to Marty not to tell him.
