If only, Dylan.
Needing time to process all the emotions he provoked, she stood and wrapped her robe around her torso snugly. He straightened his clothing.
“I’m going to shower. I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
As she said the words, something flickered behind his eyes and Elizabeth knew he wouldn’t be in the kitchen when she came back. Swallowing hard, she faked a smile with a small sigh.
“It was good to see you again, Dylan.”
He closed his eyes and she knew it was caused by shame. This was the first time he had to face her before he ran away.
The first time she was fully prepared to let him go.
Elizabeth went up on the balls of her feet and kissed him on the lips, stroked her fingers through his hair, inhaled the scent of him.
To remember.
At his ear, she murmured, “Give me Davis or don’t. As long as I know he’s safe and loved, that will be enough.” She leaned back and hugged her arms around her middle.
“Leave and don’t come back. Don’t ever come back, Dylan. I can’t take the pain anymore.”
Then she walked past him and opened the back door. He stopped in front of her and started to speak but she shook her head.
“Don’t, Dylan. Let me remember all the reasons I love you. Don’t lie to me now. Goodbye.”
He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
Then he walked out her door.
Elizabeth closed it, engaged all the locks, and turned out the downstairs lights. Upstairs, she curled up in her bed and cried for everything she would never have.
She also prayed that one good thing would come from her repeated heartbreaks from Dylan Lang.
God could be funny about answering prayers.
Chapter Twelve
Elizabeth spent the weekend in her bed. She was emotionally weary and uninterested in dealing with the outside world.
Since losing Nana, the outside world had felt far colder. Seeing Dylan again reminded her how alone she was and it was getting harder to put those negative feelings in a box.
Riley and Donovan called but she asked them to give her a couple of days alone to think.
Sunday night, they arrived to snap her the fuck out of it.
The first thing they’d done was turn on too many lights. The second was tickle her until she almost pee’d herself.
Back in her bed, her best friend stretched out beside her and played with her hair. Donovan sat on her other side. Riley kissed her cheek.
“This is the deal: he’s gone. You told him not to come back. Know that you need that, that you want that, because it is time to live your life, Elizabeth.”
After a little time to snuggle her, they forcefully towed her out of bed and smacked her butt harder and harder until she went to shower.
They waited for her to dress…in her room…because they didn’t trust her. Unconcerned with her nakedness, Donovan picked the pale peach dress he loved and helped her put it on. Riley pressed her into her vanity chair and brushed through her long hair.
There was a moment when she thought she would start to cry again because it reminded her of how many times Nana had done such things when she was little.
Refusing to budge until she’d added a bit of color to her heightened paleness, they nodded happily when she complied and escorted her from the house.
When they were ensconced in their favorite booth at a local restaurant, the men ordered and proceeded to consume ridiculous quantities of pizza, salad, and garlic knots.
Taking a deep breath, she told them about her time with Dylan and the couple shared a look.
Donovan sat forward. “Elizabeth, you could be pregnant?”
“I hope so,” she confessed.
Riley started to speak but she grabbed his hand.
“I’m alone. Do you understand? Not alone in a room, alone for a little while, or alone between relationships. I am alone, Riley. The chances I’ll ever…have anyone are so slim as to be ridiculous.”
“Elizabeth…”
“No. I’m a grown woman. I have the means and skills to care for a child on my own.” She looked between them and the tears she’d thought were done trailed down her cheeks. “Someone for me to love of my very own.” In a soft voice, she added, “I need someone to love, don’t you see?”
Their expressions were devastated.
“I know you both love me and I love you but it isn’t the same. You know it isn’t the same. If I don’t have someone to share the little parts of my everyday life with, I’m afraid I’ll disappear. I want to exist in someone’s world, to be crucial to their happiness, to know their life is impacted by my love in a hundred small ways each day.”
They held her hands. Riley’s voice was hoarse with emotion. “How long have you felt this way?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Since Nana, I think. It happened slowly.”
Leaning close, Donovan nuzzled her cheek. “If you aren’t pregnant, Elizabeth, I’ll make you an appointment for IVF and you’ll try again. You know either of us would help you. We’d be so happy to share children with you.”
He leaned back and she covered her mouth with her hands. No matter how close they were, a child was not the same as sharing a suit. “You would do that?”
The men, who loved her to the limits of what they were able, stroked their hands over her hair.
“I know I can speak for Riley when I say we would do anything to make you happy. You give, you love, you care…and neither of us noticed how lonely you’ve been. I don’t know how we missed it but it won’t happen again.”
Riley held her close. “No pressure, Elizabeth. If it isn’t this time, it will be another time.”
She nodded, too moved to speak. To know a child would be in her future, no matter what, meant more than she could explain to her friends.
They spent the rest of the evening making her laugh then crashed together in Nana’s room because they wanted Elizabeth to feel close to the strongest positive influence in her life.
As she drifted to sleep with them snuggled against her sides, she wondered what the future would hold. It seemed bright and filled with promise again.
* * *
It was the following Thursday when Samuel called Elizabeth and explained that because Dylan was Davis James’s only living relative able to provide care, he had received a special release from the Marine Corps that ended his service.
He assumed all parental obligation for his son, picked him up from the foster family who had been watching over him, and left town the following day. There was no known address yet but Hollow promised to monitor their names in his database.
Elizabeth’s happiness was bittersweet.
Dylan hadn’t come back, he hadn’t allowed her to care for his son, but had assumed the role of a father for Davis. Emotionally, he might be disconnected from his son but she knew Davis would be safe with his biological father. It was a far cry from being in Donna’s care.
The thoughts that twisted and rolled inside kept her up all night. For the first time, her pain from Dylan was greater than her love for him and it cut deeply.
The following morning, her eyes swollen from crying, Elizabeth called out sick and took the day to read Nana’s journals. Something had to shake her up, bring her back to the world, and help her to feel the sun again.
One particular entry dated before she was born seemed to be just what she needed.
May 3, 1977
I’ve lost my darling Henry. Though he wasn’t an overly affectionate man, I will miss him very much. The children cry constantly but they were fortunate to have many good years – their entire childhood – with their father. I loved that he always found time to play with them.
My mother used to say that everything happened for a reason. I believe, to comfort ourselves, we search for the reason in everything.
Sometimes, there isn’t a reason.
Every so often, bad things happen and it sucks.
Henry was de
cent and good, generous to strangers, and gentle with me. He took care of me for almost thirty years and I hope I showed him how much I appreciated that every day.
That he knew how much he was loved.
It will be strange to sleep alone.
Now, I must pick myself up, dry my tears, and make myself so busy that the hurt will be less over time. With the kids grown and gone, I don’t want to ramble around the house and become useless.
More on that later…
Jewel
Elizabeth closed the leather journal – one of dozens that spanned six decades – and exhaled deeply. Smoothing her hand over the cool cover, she smiled.
“Thank you, Nana.”
Standing, she replaced the book in the glass-fronted bookcase in Nana’s room and dried her face.
Feeling sorry for herself would help nothing. It was time to get busy. Life wasn’t going to wait through her meltdown.
* * *
Three weeks later, Elizabeth found the rhythm in her days again and her smiles no longer felt funny on her face.
Her plans for the upcoming weekend included a visit to BiBi’s shop, a massage with the guys, and a shopping trip for a few new winter items before the cold descended on them again.
Hollow called to tell her that Davis had been enrolled in a school in South Florida and Dylan was working for a security company owned by ex-Marines so he was home at night. He’d also made several appointments with doctors, dentists, and a child psychologist.
“I think they’re going to be alright, Elizabeth.” Hollow’s voice was gentle.
Her relief was immense. “Thank you for letting me know, Hollow. You can’t know how happy I am for both of them.”
“I think I can. Take care of yourself and call me if you need me.”
They disconnected and Elizabeth picked up her bag. The air was cool on her face as she made the walk home. She was thinking about her teaching plan, calculating the days until winter break, when she stumbled to a stop on the sidewalk.
When was my last period?
Since she’d gotten her period at fourteen, her cycles had always run like clockwork. With her recent sadness, she’d lost track of time. She counted and realized she was five days late.
Detouring to the little pharmacy on the corner, she bought a pregnancy test and took it to the counter. It was not an unusual purchase for her and it hadn’t been unusual for Nana when she was alive.
The girls and women who passed through the shelters where they volunteered were often victims of rape, too lost in drugs to practice safe sex, or simply unsure if a slip-up with a boyfriend might have resulted in pregnancy. Nana and Elizabeth bought tests so they could put their mind at ease without going through official channels.
The cashier asked after her class. Her niece was one of her students and the woman said the little girl had found a love of school this year. They chatted for a few moments before Elizabeth left – pretending not to be in a rush to get home.
Not even bothering to go upstairs, she stepped into the half bath and peed on the stick. Setting it carefully on a piece of paper towel, she forced herself to go change clothes.
Fifteen minutes after entering her front door, she returned to the little bathroom and learned she was going to be a mother.
A mother.
For the first time in a long time, her tears were those of joy.
She rested her hands over her tummy and smiled. “You’re going to be happy to have me as your mother. I promise to fill your life with laughter and love.”
After her shower, she put on one of her favorite dresses with low heels. It was a spring style in pale yellow with leaves scattered in a pattern from her hip, diagonally trailing up and around her waist. It gave the illusion of curves and flattered her figure. Her friends had given her a lovely cashmere sweater and purse to complete the look.
While she waited for Riley and Donovan, she went downstairs to the craft room. Pulling supplies from the large cabinets, she spread them out over her worktable and started assembling her baby’s first scrapbook.
She planned to document every moment.
That was where the couple found her when they arrived.
Taking one look at what she was working on, Riley clasped her shoulders.
“Yes?” She nodded and couldn’t stop the huge smile on her face.
Hugs and kisses were given until she was laughing and Donovan helped her into her sweater. With arms wrapped around her, they took her by cab to a little bistro.
Lifting their glasses, they toasted her. Riley had tears in his eyes. “I’ve never made a toast with ginger ale but I’m glad for this reason to be my first time. To the best woman, the best friend who I know is going to be an incredible mother. We love you, Elizabeth.”
“Thank you. It’s still so early but I can’t help being excited.”
“When it gets cold, you have to drive.”
“I thought about that. I think I’ll have the Cadillac looked at over the next week and get it spiffed up a bit. I haven’t driven it in so long that it probably has an inch of dust on it. No doubt, it will need new tires and a battery. I want it pristine.”
They talked for hours and Elizabeth’s heart felt light and truly happy. Her thoughts were not on losing Nana, Dylan’s repeated departures from her life, or how a deep sense of isolation had started to grow inside her for more than a year.
Every cell in her body was focused on the little being she’d wished so hard to receive.
* * *
The months passed too slowly to bear and Elizabeth was ready to hold her child from the first day.
Usually a patient woman, the signature trait was pointedly absent as autumn faded into winter.
Bitter cold and unusual snowfall meant she stopped walking to work when classes resumed at the first of the year. She hired a young man from down the block to shovel her driveway so she could pull the car out each morning.
Unused to requesting help for such things, she tried to pay him too much, and he laughingly declined. He told her the going rate and told her not to worry.
She was able to breathe after the first trimester passed without incident. Riley and Donovan spent every weekend with her if they didn’t have to travel and spoiled Elizabeth rotten.
The first time she felt the baby move, she was truly confused about what it was. As the source clicked in her mind, she spent an entire day waiting to feel it happen again.
Refusing to perform on cue, her baby teased her. It was maddening to remain poised for awe.
Then a day came when all her little darling did was move and Elizabeth could sit for hours with her palms pressed gently against her bare stomach. It felt as if they were communicating in a secret language.
Due in May, her pregnant belly wasn’t obvious until early April. She was so tall that she carried well. Her OB/GYN was happy with her progress and applauded the healthy lifestyle she’d always led.
Samuel and Pam invited her to dinner regularly. Though surprised to learn she was expecting, they accepted her situation with open arms.
One night, she and Pam were alone in the kitchen and the older woman whispered, “You’re certain everything is alright? You don’t need anything?”
Elizabeth shook her head. “I’m healthy and happy.”
“Will you tell him?”
Staring through the window over the kitchen sink at the snow-covered deck, she shook her head. “I don’t think so. Dylan needs to focus on healing, for himself and Davis. I don’t want to take away from that relationship, not after everything they’ve both been through. They deserve time to get on their feet and make a real life for themselves.”
“I think you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known, Elizabeth. I’m so proud of you and I know Jewel would be, too.”
“That means a lot to me.”
* * *
Three days before Elizabeth was due to deliver, she was once again in the craft room.
Leaning over to pick up a basket of thre
ad, her water broke.
Then her brain shut down.
When it came back online, there was no way to wipe the ridiculous grin off her face. Calmly, she went upstairs, took a quick shower, and changed her clothes. Picking up her pre-packed overnight bag, she locked the house, opened the garage with the new remote, and drove herself to the hospital.
Once she was checked in and her doctor confirmed she was doing fine, she sent a text to her two best friends. “It’s time. Everything is okay. Don’t rush and *please* be safe.”
Settling in to wait, she worked on the colorful blanket for the end of the crib in the newly redecorated nursery. By the time her friends arrived looking panicked, she’d completed another twenty rows.
Her contractions steadily worsened and Donovan paced the room as Riley held her hand. Tired, in pain, she finally gave in and cried while they attempted to soothe her.
Every moment was worth it when her son was born – healthy and handsome – in the middle of the night. Holding him in her arms for the first time, she managed not to cry all over him.
Elizabeth named him Riley Donovan Clayton and handed the men a copy of her will that named them as godfathers and her child’s legal guardians should anything happen to her.
Hugging mother and son as tightly as possible, they took time to cry before cooing over the newest addition to their little family.
Just before dawn, she finally convinced them to go home and get some rest because she knew they were going to need it.
Riley arranged to work remotely for the first year to help her. After college, he went to work as a research analyst for Winters Enterprises.
His boss might be considered one of the biggest bastards in Manhattan but he was an excellent employer. Riley earned promotions and raises rapidly and couldn’t say enough about the man behind the publicity.
Only in private, of course. Mr. Winters enjoyed his nasty reputation.
Donovan planned to travel out from the city every weekend.
Elizabeth closed her eyes as they took her baby for photos and footprints, drifting in and out of sleep. She thought about Nana and how happy she would have been with her great-grandson. The lessons she would have taught him and the example she would have set.
Completely Wrecked: A Dramatic Romance Page 11
