by Kim Jones
I finally meet his eyes, feeling guilty at the disappointment I see. But if anybody gets me, it’s Rookie. “I’m truly happy for the first time in my life. I want to live without the power and greed and killing. I want something better.”
He nods with understanding. But he’d be a shitty brother if he didn’t at least try to get me to stay. So when he speaks, I’m expecting an alternate solution. But what I get is something else. “I had Carrie before I had the club. For a long time, I thought she was all I needed. But the club gives me something she can’t.” With eyes that beg me to understand, he tells me something I haven’t considered.
“I want you to be happy, Shady. I swear I do. But I’m scared that one day you’ll look back and realize that your new life isn’t everything you thought it would be. Men like us can’t live on love alone. We’re just not made that way.”
I consider his words. Hell, I don’t doubt them. But I have to try, because I owe it to Diem. I’ve said many times that I’d give my life for her, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.
Standing out of respect, I enforce my decision that I know he’ll support. “I’m leaving Sinner’s Creed. I’m gonna give Diem that life I promised. I might miss the club. One day I might hate myself for leaving it. And I’ll have to live with that. But just the thought of living one more fucking day on this earth without her hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. And that’s a pain I just can’t live with.”
He studies me, knowing he’d do the same if he ever had to choose. His jaw clenches, fighting against the same emotions I feel in my chest for this man. Next to Dirk, he’s the greatest brother I’ve ever had. I was his teacher, his leader. He felt like he owed me his life, but he owed me nothing. It was an honor to ride with him, and I know he feels the same.
With my one good arm, I pull him in. There is no pride when it comes to loving my brother. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. He’s looked to me for guidance for years. He’s depended on me to carry him through the dark times. This moment is no different. So I stand strong and bear the weight of his grief. I’ll miss all my brothers, but I’ll miss him most. Losing him is the only regret I have in my decision to leave Sinner’s Creed.
Placing my lips against his, I kiss this man—my brother. It’s not a romantic gesture or a passionate kiss like I’d give Diem. This is a show of love, loyalty, honor, and respect. Where Diem was my greatest love, Rookie was my greatest accomplishment. Like Dirk, he expresses the true meaning of Sinner’s Creed by just existing. Even though I’m saying good-bye to the club, I’m leaving my mark with Rookie.
Because he isn’t just another member with a patch—he’s my fucking legacy.
32
I TAKE EVERYTHING from the cabin I can carry on my back—the important things that I just can’t live without. Standing at the door, I give one last look at the only place other than Dirk and Saylor’s that has ever felt like home. And I’m reminded that the feeling existed because Diem was there.
The four of us climb into my truck, and Carrie drives us to the airport for our flight to Jackpot. Rookie once told me that he keeps things from her. Judging by the look on her face, she’s about tired of being kept in the dark.
I give her a one-armed hug, kissing her cheek as we say our good-byes. “Till next time,” I say, giving her a wink.
She smiles. “Take care of that shoulder . . . and Diem. I kinda like her.” I smirk. I guess Diem does have a friend.
We head inside, leaving Rookie to say his good-byes that don’t go as smoothly as he probably planned. I should probably tell him that keeping her in the dark is a bad move on his part. But I wasn’t much on giving relationship advice. He’d figure it out soon enough on his own.
Diem is shocked that we’re flying first class. I guess she thinks we’re poor. She even offers to pay for her ticket, but quickly shuts up when Rookie and I both level her with a look. I keep her close to me and my eyes open. I don’t want to be caught off guard if one of Dorian’s men shows up. Diem doesn’t look the least bit worried. Rookie assured me we had a week. So did Clark and Diem. Obviously, I’m not as trusting as them.
We’re drinking Bloody Marys on the plane waiting for the final passengers to board, when a familiar face catches my attention. I look over at Rookie, who’s sitting across the aisle from me, but his eyes are closed and he’s wearing headphones.
I try to clear my throat, but he doesn’t budge. So I just let Carrie stand in front of him, with her hands on her hips while she wears a look that makes me think she’s devising a plan to kill him. I feel Diem’s hand wrap around my arm as she shifts in her seat to get a better view of the shit that’s fixing to hit the fan.
Eventually, I guess Rookie feels eyes on him and looks up. He takes Carrie in, blinking a few times to make sure he isn’t dreaming. Then he looks over at me. Knowing he’d do the same, I just give him a shrug. Turning back to Carrie, he slowly lowers his headphones.
“Carrie,” he says cautiously. I’ve never seen her this pissed. I’m guessing he hasn’t either.
“You’ve walked out on me for the last time, Rookie,” she starts, her voice shaky with anger. “I hate it has to come to this, but I’m giving you an ultimatum. Either I’m in this or I’m out. Your choice. But I’m tired of the lies. The secrets. The lonely nights. I can’t do it anymore.” Her voice breaks as she struggles to hold it together.
Rookie just stares up at her, his face unreadable. I want to kick him, then demand he say something. The girl is dangling by a thin rope. And that motherfucker is holding the other end. He needs to just let her go, or grab her by the arms and pull her in. There’s no other option at this point. She’d said her piece.
Without taking his eyes off her, he grabs his bag from the seat and stands. My eyes narrow, wondering what in the hell he is doing. Then, lifting the compartment above his head, he shoves the bag inside and motions for her to take a seat.
“I may or may not have had something to do with this,” Diem whispers to me. I turn to look at her, raising my eyebrows. “What?” she asks, feigning innocence. “I like her. She deserves to know the truth.”
I shake my head. “See, this is why most of the brothers don’t have girlfriends. Y’all are like a pack of bloodsuckers. Y’all stick together and try to pick our brains for info and drain us dry.”
“That’s about the shittiest thing I’ve ever heard you say.” She leans back in her seat, jerking her hand from my arm.
Great. Now my woman is pissed too. Fuck girl power. “I’m just saying that their business is not our business. Maybe Rookie thought she couldn’t handle it. And that’s for him to decide.”
She whirls back around to face me. I can tell by her look, I’m fixing to be subjected to her wrath. “No, it’s for her to decide. But she can’t decide shit if she doesn’t know what she’s deciding.” Now I’m confused. “I know what it’s like to be kept in the dark.” She quirks an eyebrow at me, but really? It’s not like she was Mother Teresa.
I roll my eyes, knowing this is a fight I cannot win. “Whatever you say, Diem. But if this shit comes back to bite me in the ass, I’m biting yours.” Downing my drink, I motion for the flight attendant to bring me another. When she hands it to me, I shoot her a smile of thanks, and because Diem is already pissed, she takes it out of context.
“I saw that,” she mumbles, just as the same flight attendant starts speaking over the intercom. “I’ll choke that bitch with the phone cord.”
“What happened to you not wanting to be a monster?” I ask, keeping my voice low enough for only her to hear.
“Just because I don’t like slaughtering hundreds of men doesn’t mean I don’t get satisfaction out of killing a few deserving ones. Especially women who hit on my man.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Calm down.” Damn, she’s exasperating.
“You calm down,” she says, poking me in the ribs.
&nb
sp; I groan, holding my side and eyeing the phone cord. Maybe I could choke her just long enough for her to pass out. I look over at Rookie, who is holding Carrie’s hand, kissing it reverently while she leans her head on his shoulder.
“Why can’t you be more like that?” I ask Diem, jerking my thumb toward the two lovebirds across the aisle.
“Because that would only make you like me.” I look at her expectantly, waiting for her to continue. Taking my drink from my hand, she downs it and smiles. “And what I’m looking for is love.”
She’s right—love for her is exactly what I have.
* * *
By the time we get to Jackpot, the sun is setting in the Nevada sky. It’s a beautiful September day that will likely turn ugly in a matter of minutes. A Prospect is there to pick us up, and the ride is silent back to the clubhouse.
Rookie keeps Carrie pressed tightly against his side. Even though we’re among family, he warns off every man we pass with a look. I don’t even hold Diem’s hand. Nobody but me is stupid enough to get involved with a crazy bitch like her. But I smile with pride knowing that she’s mine.
“Monica,” I greet, flashing a smile to her across the bar. I can feel Diem stiffen and my smile widens. “You remember Diem?” Looking down at Diem, I give her a look of warning. “Play nice.”
She walks past me, sliding on one of the barstools and reaching her hand out to Monica, who takes it, shooting me an uneasy look. Not knowing what else to do, I look back at Diem. Damn, I hope she doesn’t do anything stupid. “Nice to officially meet you, Monica. Although I think we spoke one time on the phone.” Shooting daggers at me, Diem drops her smile, gives me the finger, then turns back to Monica. “I’ll take a Seven and Seven.”
“Okay. What can I get for you, sweetie?” Monica asks Carrie, who takes the seat next to Diem. I notice Diem cringe at the endearment, and pray that Monica doesn’t use that sweetie talk on her.
“Surprise me,” Carrie says, clutching her purse a little tighter in her lap. Poor thing.
“This isn’t gonna end well, is it?” Rookie asks from beside me.
Shaking my head, I give him the truth. “Nope. Not at all.”
* * *
We leave the girls and join Nationals on the back patio. We stand, hug, shake hands, then I grab the blunt from between Chaps’s finger before taking a seat. “How’s the shoulder?” he asks, pointing toward my ridiculous sling that Carrie insisted I wear.
“It’s good. I’m a little stiff, but this helps.” I hold up the blunt with a smile.
“Got a call from Clark,” Jimbo starts, getting right down to business. “Says Diem is out. That true?”
I nod. “It’s true.”
“And Dorian?”
“That’s true too.”
“Well, that’s good news for us,” Chaps says, sitting back in his chair. “Heard form a source that he wasn’t taking much of a likin’ to Sinner’s Creed. I guess the more he thought about Cyrus’s speech, the more he thought Dirk’s death was our fault.”
“Your girl, she think like that too?” Jimbo leans forward, taking the blunt from my fingers.
“She’s out. Doesn’t matter what she thinks. But the answer is no. She holds no ill feelings toward Sinner’s Creed,” I tell them, making sure I look all of them in the eye so they can feel the full impact of what I’m saying. Diem’s name didn’t need to be brought up anymore. She wasn’t anybody’s business but mine.
Jimbo gives Chaps a look, and he nods. Leaning forward in his seat, he clasps his hands together, taking a moment before finally dragging his eyes up to meet mine. “We know you want out.” I keep my face impassive, not giving anything away. But what I really want to do is punch Rookie in the jaw. Again.
“And we get it,” Chaps continues, giving me a look of understanding—the same look all my brothers wear. “But you’re never just out, Shady. You know that.”
Of course I know that. I was just hoping my brothers would give a little fucking credit where credit was due. I’d earned my right to be in this club. And I’d earned the right to walk away. I’d done everything for them. This was their chance to do something for me.
I light a cigarette, giving each one of them the same look of disappointment I feel in my heart. “I’ve never asked this club for anything,” I start, remembering that Dirk had given this same group of men that same line a little over a year ago. “I’m not saying you owe me anything, because you don’t. But ever since Dirk left, things haven’t been the same for me. I feel like I’ve been living a lie for months. It’s not fair to y’all for me to be a part of this if my heart just ain’t in it. I’ve found something else to live for. And now that I have, I’ll never be able to give this club the dedication it deserves.”
They listen to my argument that I’m sure is falling on deaf ears. It doesn’t matter what I say. Their minds are already made up. They know what they’re going to do, and I’ll have to accept my fate in whichever form they deliver it.
“I can’t let you just walk away, Shady. And for that I apologize,” Jimbo says, narrowing his eyes on me. “But, however . . .” He offers me a smile, looking around the circle at the other members. “I can put you on an undetermined, extended medical leave.” Leaning closer, he grabs my good shoulder, bringing his face level with mine. “This is my gift to you, brother.”
I bite my lip, drawing my eyebrows together in an attempt to control my emotions. My eyes burn, begging me to allow the tears building in them to release. This is family. This is brotherhood. This is Sinner’s Creed.
Standing, I embrace Jimbo in a hug, silently thanking him for giving me a chance at a life most of us only dream of. A life Dirk dreamed of. One by one, my brothers hug me, kiss me, tell me how much I’ll be missed and how proud they were to serve beside me. I brush the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand, finally losing the battle with my emotions.
There are no words to describe the feeling I have. I’m happy and sad at the same time. I’m excited and scared. I’m saying good-bye to the only thing I’ve ever known, and walking into a world that I never thought I’d see. I turn to Rookie, knowing that I have him to thank for all of this. He’d planted the seed. He was the one who fought the battle with Nationals so I didn’t have to. I’d once told Diem that Rookie was the one who’d look out for me. And today, he’d proved it.
“I need you on one final ride, Shady,” Chaps informs me, his hand on the back of my neck pulling me closer. “Houston needs their bottom rockers. And you’re the only man that can give it back to them.”
I nod, my heart breaking a little knowing that this will be the last time I’ll ever ride with a patch. The last time I’ll ever be a part of the greatest brotherhood I’ve ever known. The last ride with Sinner’s Creed—and the first ride of the rest of my life.
I decline the offer of a farewell party in fear of me changing my mind if I stayed any longer. Right now, I need to be with the reason I’m leaving all this behind. I need to be with Diem.
She’s laughing when I approach her, but immediately stops when she notices me. Her eyes search my face for a clue. Then my body for more bullet holes. Then they widen with excitement when I smirk. I hold her face in my hand, kissing her deep as the bar erupts in applause, whistles, and catcalls. My heart beats—for her. My blood pumps—for her. I breathe—for her. My reason. My purpose. My Diem. To me, she is worth it all. And I’ll spend every day loving her like it was my last.
There would always be a special place in my heart for Sinner’s Creed—but there would never be a void. She captivated me. She owned me. And everything I’ve been searching for, I finally have. Leaving the club wasn’t a loss—because with her, I had so much more to gain.
* * *
My bike is at Dirk’s, so Rookie, Carrie, Diem, and I take a car to his house. Soon, the place is alive with laughter and talk just like it was on the last night Dirk and Say
lor were here. The mood isn’t melancholy, and there isn’t ache in my chest at the lack of his presence. Somehow, I feel like he’s here with us.
“I have to make one last run before we leave,” I tell Diem, knowing I can’t keep it from her any longer. We’re all in the living room, which grows completely silent at my announcement. “Just down to Houston. I’ll be back in a few days.”
“How long will it take once you get there?” she asks, her mood a cross between pissy and sad. I’m hoping she stays pissy. Between her tears and mine, we could fill the Mississippi.
“An hour, tops.”
“So just fly there and I’ll wait in the car.”
I smile at her solution. “I think this is one ride I want to take.” I look in her eyes, begging her to understand how much I need this.
“Okay, fine.” She shrugs, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m going with you.” Hell, no.
“I don’t think so, princess. We’re talking a twenty-five-hour trip. Tell her, Rookie.” I look over at him, already nodding my head in agreement with what he says.
“I choose my battles, Shady. And this ain’t one of ’em.” He holds his hands up in surrender.
“Well if Diem goes, I’m going,” Carrie adds, straightening her spine and looking at Rookie. I give him the finger. Serves the fucker right. He looks at the ceiling, shaking his head.
“Having visions of choking Diem?” I ask. “Don’t worry, I get them aaaall the time.”
“We’re fucking going. And that’s final.” Diem gives me a challenging look. One that tells me I won’t be winning this fight. Fucking women. And here I was throwing my life away for one. And not even a nice one. A vindictive, bossy, bitchy one.
I look to Rookie one last time, hoping he has something. But of course, he gives me that fuck it look and shrugs. There is no reasoning with her. Even if I try to tell her how dangerous it is for her to still be in the country, she won’t listen. She’d told me that her life without me was meaningless. I know I’d never leave her, so I can’t fault her for having the same feelings about me. She is my ride or die. My heart swells with the knowledge that what Diem and I have is true love—even if it infuriates the fuck out of me.
