We were just walking up the road away from the court when I saw who was walking towards us.
‘I don’t bloody believe it,’ I said, sighing as I saw the hunched figure of Patrick Ryan approaching us on the pavement. He was with a younger woman.
‘Just put your head down and keep going,’ said Rob.
I could see he was worried that there was going to be a big scene. For once, I did as Rob said. I looked at the floor and kept on walking. I held my breath as Ryan passed us. Nobody said a word.
But when he’d gone past I couldn’t resist turning round to look at him. Ryan had done exactly the same thing too and for a split second we glared at each other.
‘Get in the car, Debbie,’ said Rob.
As I sat there and watched Ryan walk away, I realised I was shaking. Even though he was just a pathetic old man he still had the ability to scare me.
‘I can’t wait to make him pay for what he’s done,’ I said.
I rang Laraine as soon as we got home.
‘Lal, I was in pieces,’ I said. ‘All those questions and the way that barrister was making out that we were lying. It was just so hard.’
‘Well, we’ve had our day in court,’ she said. ‘Now it’s up to the jury whether they believe us or not.’
‘I want him convicted,’ I said. ‘That’s all I’ll be happy with. I want him convicted.’
The next day there was no court because we’d been told Ryan had to go for an urgent dressing change on his eye. But Friday we were back there. I knew I’d have to spend all day in the witness room but I didn’t care. Ryan was giving evidence that day and I wanted Rob to be in there to hear what he said. Both he and Carol came out smiling.
‘All I can say, Debbie, is he hasn’t done himself any favours in there,’ she said.
‘He didn’t do very well,’ agreed Rob. ‘He completely lost it at one point.’
As expected, he said, Ryan had denied that the abuse had ever happened. He’d told the court that he worked away a lot as a carpet fitter and he was only ever there at weekends and then Wendy was around.
‘What a liar!’ I said. ‘I hope the jury see through it.’
It was a good job that I’d insisted on staying at court as on Friday afternoon I was suddenly called back in. I had no idea what I was going to be asked when I took the stand.
‘Mrs Grafham, the court has heard how you were sexually assaulted by your father around the same time as you allege the abuse with Mr Ryan started,’ said Mr Collings.
‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told him.
‘Is there any way that you could have mistaken Mr Ryan for your father? That you could have confused the two men?’
I knew he was just clutching at straws now.
‘My father abused me once and it was in my bed, downstairs in our flat,’ I said. ‘When Ryan done it, it was up in his flat and it happened around twenty times over several years. I think I know the difference between them both.’
That was it. I was only in the witness box for a couple of minutes and I was allowed to go again.
As usual, Laraine rang me that night for an update.
‘How do you think it’s going, Deb?’
‘I just don’t know,’ I told her. ‘I don’t dare get my hopes up.’
We’d both gone in there and told the truth and now it was down to twelve strangers to decide whether to believe us or not.
That night Rob and I went back to Eastbourne for the weekend. It was so nice to see the children and it was the one place where I felt safe. I was exhausted by everything that had happened and dreading the week ahead as I knew the jury were likely to come back with their verdict at some point. I felt so guilty as it was Vicky’s eighteenth birthday on the following Tuesday and Ryan had even managed to spoil that.
‘Whatever happens, we’ll come back home that night and take you out for dinner,’ I told her.
But I was dreading it as I didn’t know what was going to happen. Would the jury have come back by then? Would I even feel like celebrating?
I went back up to London that Sunday evening with a heavy heart. Laraine and I had spoken and texted every single day.
This is the week his fate finally gets decided, I told her.
Just the thought of it made me feel ill. As expected, on Monday morning Judge Tomlinson did his summing-up.
Rob came back at lunchtime, and said: ‘The jury’s been sent out to consider its verdict.’
The waiting began. Rob, Lorna and I spent all day in the witness room, pacing up and down.
‘This is unbearable,’ I said. ‘I wonder what they’re all thinking in there. They can’t believe him, they just can’t.’
I had butterflies in my stomach and I felt sick that twelve strangers were now in a room nearby deciding whether Laraine and I were telling the truth.
Laraine kept texting me.
Any news? What’s happening?
I don’t think it’s going to be today, I texted back.
It wasn’t. The jury came back at 4pm and said they hadn’t reached a verdict, so the court was discharged for the day.
The waiting was horrendous. I couldn’t eat a thing and neither Rob nor I slept that night. On Tuesday morning, I phoned Vicky before I went to court.
‘Happy birthday, love,’ I said. ‘Whatever happens, we’ll see you tonight.’
‘Good luck, Mum,’ she said.
But I knew that if Ryan was not found guilty today there was no way I would be able to go out celebrating that evening.
We got to court just after 10am. We’d prepared ourselves for another long wait in the witness room but just before 11am, an announcement came over the tannoy system.
‘Will all parties in the case of Patrick Ryan please return to court one.’
Rob and I looked at each other.
‘It can’t be,’ he said. ‘I’ll go down to the court to check what’s going on.’
He’d been gone five minutes when Carol rushed in.
‘Debbie, the jury have come back,’ she said. ‘It’s the verdict.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t know whether it was a good or a bad thing that they’d come back so quickly.
‘Come on,’ she said. ‘We’ve got to get back to court.’
But I was suddenly filled with panic. I wasn’t ready for this.
‘No, I can’t,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to go. I can’t face it.’
‘Come on, Debbie,’ she told me. ‘This is the moment you’ve been waiting for.’
She practically had to drag me out of the witness room and into the court.
At first, the police weren’t going to allow me in court at all for the reading of the verdict. Even the judge had advised that it was a bad idea for me to be present because of all Ryan’s supporters. They were worried that whatever the verdict was, things were going to kick off. In the end Mr Williams had got special permission for me to be there.
‘You, Rob and Lorna can all sit in the press benches in the well of the court so you’re well away from Ryan’s family in the public gallery,’ Carol told us.
Rob and Lorna were already sat there when Carol and I walked in.
‘Remember, Debbie, if the first count comes back not guilty then it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re all going to be the same,’ she warned me.
But in my mind, it was all or nothing. The jury either believed Laraine and I or they didn’t.
They brought Ryan in and he was told to stand up in the dock. As usual he showed no reaction. The foreman of the jury – the man in his fifties in a smart suit – stood up.
‘Have you reached a verdict?’ Judge Tomlinson asked him.
‘Yes, Your Honour,’ he said.
‘On the first count of rape do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?’
I closed my eyes and squeezed Rob’s hand. I didn’t move, I didn’t even dare to breathe.
‘Guilty, Your Honour.’
I opened my eyes and gasped. Rob threw h
is arms around me. Lorna burst into tears and even Carol was crying.
As the judge went through each charge, every single one came back ‘guilty’.
I was numb. I just stood there, completely gobsmacked. I didn’t feel like crying or celebrating.
‘I just can’t believe it,’ I sighed.
I looked over at Ryan in the dock and he was shaking his head as he was taken down to custody. I could hear his family up in the public gallery, shouting and hammering on the glass. But I didn’t care.
They’d found him guilty. Guilty of every single charge.
‘They believed us,’ I said to Rob.
‘Of course they did,’ he replied, tears streaming down his face. ‘I’m so proud of you, Deb.’
It was such a huge relief.
‘Debbie, I’ve never known anything like it,’ said Carol, giving me a hug. ‘For every charge in an historic abuse case like yours to come back guilty is just amazing. You and Laraine should be so proud of yourselves.’
But I didn’t feel proud. I was just in shock.
I sat there, stunned, as the judge left the courtroom and the jury filed out.
‘Thank you so much,’ Rob shouted across to each of them as they left.
That was it. It was over.
‘I think it’s a good idea for you to stay in the witness protection room for a while until Ryan’s family have left the court,’ Jo told us.
All I wanted was to get as far away from that court as possible. I wanted to have a cigarette and then go back home and see my daughter on her birthday.
There was hardly any signal in the witness room but Rob managed to text my mum, his dad and the kids.
‘What about Laraine?’ I said to Carol.
‘Jo’s gone to phone her,’ she said. ‘And we’re going to go round and see her now and check she’s all right.’
Two hours later we finally left the court. As I walked out of that place, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
‘We’ve done it,’ I said to Rob. ‘Me and Laraine have made that bastard pay after all this time.’
I knew then that the one person I wanted to be with right now was her. I needed to see my sister.
Chapter 20
Moving On
I typed the number in the keypad and the front door opened.
‘Laraine,’ I yelled. ‘We’re here!’
Before I could go into the bedroom to see her, Carol and Jo came out.
‘We’re just going,’ said Carol. ‘We’ll leave you two to have some time together on your own.
‘Laraine’s very emotional, so I think it will do her good to see you.’
‘I’ll wait out here,’ said Rob.
So far I hadn’t cried but the minute I walked into Laraine’s bedroom and saw her lying there, I broke down. It was as if all the stress and emotion of the past few months came tumbling out. I didn’t have to be strong any more or put on a brave face because I was with the one other person who knew exactly how I felt.
She was crying, too.
I put my arms around her and gave her a hug.
‘We did it, Lal.’ I smiled, tears streaming down my face. ‘We did it! We got him.’
‘I still can’t believe it,’ she said. ‘I didn’t ever dare think they’d find him guilty but they believed us, Deb.’
That was the thing that meant so much after all this time. Despite everything Ryan had always said to us, twelve strangers had believed that we were telling the truth and it was such a relief.
I lay down on the double bed next to Laraine. We were both in shock about the verdict and completely overwhelmed.
‘It doesn’t feel real to me,’ I told her. ‘It feels like I’m in a daze.’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘I can’t believe after all these years that it’s done. We can finally move on.’
But unlike Laraine, it didn’t feel like it was over to me. This court case had been my focus for so long, my life had literally been on hold for the past few years and I couldn’t quite believe that it had ended. I didn’t feel ready to move on yet.
‘There’s still the sentencing,’ I told her. ‘I hope they lock him away and they throw away the key.’
But sadly I knew that was unlikely to be the case. Carol had already warned me that he might only get a couple of years.
‘We should be celebrating,’ said Laraine. ‘I’d have a drink if I knew it wasn’t going to kill me.’
‘How about a cup of tea and a sandwich instead?’ I smiled.
We sat on the bed together and ate a ham sandwich.
‘I’m really going to miss Carol and Jo,’ she told me. ‘I got really upset having to say goodbye.’
‘Me too,’ I said. ‘But we’ll stay in touch and I’ll see them at court for the sentencing.’
We spent two hours chatting and laughing. It felt so nice to be normal again, not worrying about the latest development in the court case or being terrified about the trial, or frightened of discussing anything in our statements. That shadow hanging over us for so long had gone. I hated leaving her but I knew I had to.
‘I’m really sorry but I’ve got to go now,’ I said.
‘When are you coming back?’ she asked. ‘Will you come and see me tomorrow?’
‘Lal, we’re going back to Eastbourne now,’ I said. ‘I just want to go home and see my little girl for her birthday.’
All I wanted to do was get on that train and go home, far away from London and all the memories of Patrick Ryan.
‘I love you and I’m so proud of you,’ I told her, giving her a kiss.
‘Love you too,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t have done this without you, Deb.’
Laraine started to cry again. It was so hard to leave her but I knew we had to head back.
When we got home to Eastbourne, the kids were waiting for us. They all gave me a cuddle when I walked in, which set me off again.
‘We’re so proud of you, Mum,’ said Vicky.
‘Thank you for standing by me,’ I told them. ‘I know that I’ve been horrendous to live with but hopefully things can get back to normal again.’
But I still felt far from normal. One of the first things I did when I got home was to have a boiling hot bath, then a shower and then another bath. Just seeing Ryan in court again had made me feel so dirty and humiliated and I was in the bathroom for hours. Every night after a day in court I’d done exactly the same thing. It was as if I was trying to physically scrub away the shame.
That night a big group of us went out for Vicky’s eighteenth birthday meal to an American diner but I didn’t feel like celebrating. I still couldn’t believe that it had happened, it didn’t feel real.
‘I don’t want anyone to mention the court case,’ I told Rob.
This was Vicky’s night and I didn’t want to overshadow it. But I was mentally and physically exhausted. I only had two glasses of wine and I wanted to go home.
Now that Patrick Ryan had been found guilty, life should have got back to normal but I still couldn’t rest. My obsession for over a year had been the court case and now it was the sentencing. Every day I phoned Jo and Carol to see if they had any news.
‘Do you know when it’s going to be?’ I kept asking.
‘It’s hopefully happening some time in May but we haven’t got a date yet,’ Carol told me.
I was also worried about how long he was going to get.
Finally, Carol texted to say the date had been set for 31 May 2013. But a few days later she rang to say it had been deferred until 4 June.
‘Why’s that?’ I said. ‘Oh God, has he appealed?’
‘Debbie, it’s only been deferred by a few days because Judge Tomlinson is on holiday that week,’ Carol told me.
It was a valid reason but I felt so anxious that the news sent me completely off the rails. I’d been trying to cut down on alcohol but I sat there all day after Carol had called, downing drink after drink.
All sorts of silly things
were running through my mind. What if it had been adjourned because they thought the jury had made a mistake and he wasn’t really guilty? What if he only got a couple of years? That would mean he would be out in a few months on good behaviour. How could I rest, knowing that Ryan was walking the streets, a free man?
Without thinking, I staggered into the kitchen and picked the biggest knife that I could find in the rack. I took it into the conservatory and sat on the sofa, running my fingers along the cold metal of the blade.
I thought about Patrick Ryan and all he had done to Laraine and I and how he had ruined our lives.
‘I hate you,’ I said out loud.
He had to pay – or I would make him. I raised the knife and plunged it into the arm of the leather sofa, again and again, until my hands ached. Suddenly I looked up and saw a figure in the sliding doors that led through to the living room. It was my son Daniel. He was watching me through the glass and I could see the fear in his eyes as he noticed the carving knife in my hand.
‘Daniel, it’s OK,’ I shouted. ‘I’m not going to do anything.’
But he ran off. He must have gone upstairs to tell Rob because he came rushing in.
‘Debbie, what the hell are you doing?’ he said. ‘Please put the knife down.’
A few minutes later I heard sirens outside the house.
‘I’m sorry I had to call 999,’ he said. ‘I was worried you were going to hurt yourself.’
He opened the door and two police officers and a paramedic came running in. I just sat there on the sofa, holding the knife.
‘You need to come with us, Mrs Grafham,’ a policewoman told me.
‘I’m not coming,’ I slurred. ‘I’ve not hurt nobody.’
‘I’m afraid for your own safety you need to come with us,’ she repeated.
‘You can piss off,’ I said.
The next thing I knew, she’d snatched the knife from my hands. My arms were twisted behind my back and a pair of handcuffs were slapped around my wrists.
‘You ain’t taking me anywhere!’ I yelled.
‘It’s for your own safety,’ the policewoman said, marching me outside to where a police van was waiting.
A Sister's Secret Page 20
