by Z. B Heller
In unison Renee and Ryan grabbed my arms. They knew I would go all Kung Foo on her ass. I only had nine years with my mom and part of me always felt she was watching over me. When I made good choices, she celebrated with me. When I made bad choices, she shook her angelic head and closed her eyes. There was no way Martha would ever take that precious time away from me. The chuppah was a symbol that represented my mom watching me make the best decision of my life: marrying Miles.
I gathered every ounce of patience I had left. “Martha, having my mom’s dress is a symbol of my past. It’s important to me to have that there.”
“I am part of your past, too.” She huffed as she repositioned herself in her chair.
“Breathe, Moxie. Let’s practice Lamaze. Hee, hee, hooo. Hee, hee, hooo,” Renee said quietly in my ear.
“Moving on,” I said to the group.
“Okay, let’s talk about the cake.” Julie opened a massive binder with designs for just cakes. My mouth salivated knowing that there was confectionary goodness within my grasp. I didn’t want a traditional cake; I wanted cupcakes. I had a deep-seated love affair with cupcakes. The perfect cupcake was like a flawless blow job. A cupcake was a perfect-sized dessert that could slip into your mouth with ease; velvety cake mixed with creamy frosting that glided down your throat. Julie started to flip through the pages one by one as she talked about the different flavors and the difference between frostings. Did we want fondant, whip cream, or buttercream? Martha stopped Julie from flipping to the next page.
“This is perfect!” Martha took the book out of Julie’s hands. It was a three tiered cake that had little plastic staircases which led down to two smaller cakes. Plastic doves sat on top of the cake and two small water fountains sat next to the two smaller cakes.
Ryan started roaring with laughter. “Martha, I didn’t realize that you had such a great sense of humor.”
Martha scowled. “Ryan, just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you have perfect design sense when it comes to weddings. And now that Illinois allows gay marriages, you can pick out your own cake.”
Oh. Fucking. No.
“Martha, that was totally out of line,” I said, trying to keep my anger at bay. Ryan started getting out of his seat, but I held his knee down with my hand under the table and shook my head at him. There was no way he was leaving me now.
“Martha, how did the cake taste at your wedding? I bet it tasted light and airy. Oh, I forgot, there was no cake at your wedding.” Ryan crossed his arms across his chest and looked only half satisfied at his rebuttal.
“That was because we got married in the Rabbi’s office. Moxie’s dad wants to give her want we didn’t have.”
“I don’t think you’re dad wanted to give you a conniving bitch for your wedding like he ended up with,” Ryan said to only me as he pretended to bend down and tie his shoe.
“No, instead I got a T-shirt that said, my dad got married and all I got was this lousy snatch for a stepmom,” I whispered back. I tried hard to remember the woman I saw after she told me Dad was dying, but Martha made it almost impossible to warm up to her, especially when she insulted my friends.
At least that gave Ryan a little giggle to warm his mood. The five of us talked for another hour with Martha interjecting at every suggestion I made. Finally, I gave up and said that it was all fine with the exception of my dress, the chuppah, and the cupcakes. Those were the three things that mattered to me most. For a moment I felt a little bad that Martha never had a cake, but then I remembered how she treated Ryan. I’ll have a special cupcake made just for her—with rat poison frosting.
The Pregnancy Guide
Months 5 and 6
Women
Worried about what the scale says? Don’t! Your baby is growing and so are you. Some woman start to gain about a pound a week. Good nutrition is always an important part during your pregnancy. You know that old saying that you’re eating for two? It’s true! Eating correctly will help your baby grow strong. Are those pet commercials making you cry? Don’t worry, this is normal. Women become more emotional during their pregnancy and often cry at the drop of a hat. Just remember that you are loved and so is the life growing inside you. One of the most exciting things is that you are able to find out the gender of your baby!
Men
You might be thinking, “Dear God, what is that thing growing out of our partner’s ass?” It’s a fucking hemorrhoid, not the baby’s head. You better workout because you’re going to need it. She’ll ask you to rub her legs and ass because of leg cramps and sciatica pain. The water works will also get worse. The cool part? You can find out if you’re having a boy or a girl. That’s right, you can see if your little man is hung like a horse or if you’ll need to buy a gun because no one will be dating your daughter.
The bedroom had turned into a scene from the show Hoarders. Clothes were scattered everywhere. I lay in the middle of the bed surrounded by pants, shirts and dresses, all of which were too snug on me. I could no longer get away with leaving my pants unbuttoned. This couldn’t have come at a worst time. Miles had decided it was time I met his parents. His mom and dad were coming from Maine to meet their soon-to-be daughter-in-law, or as I would have liked to phrase it, the Baby Mama.
It wasn’t like I was a complete phantom to Mr. And Mrs. Dane. They'd known about me since Miles had started dating me, but I didn’t think they were expecting us to be pregnant and getting married so soon. Well, to be fair, I didn’t think any of us thought that was going to happen. I already had a good relationship with his sister, Kelly, but there was something daunting about meeting your fiancé’s parents for the first time. Or in this case, I would say my Baby Daddy’s parents. So would that make them the baby grandparents? Maybe I just could call them the baby Gs.
There was only one person who could help me in such a crisis. I found my phone and sent a text to my fashion consultant, Ryan.
What’s up, blue balls?
You know, it’s not fair to make fun of my aching balls since I am without a boyfriend.
But God gave you a permanent boyfriend called your hand.
We’re not on speaking terms right now. I caught my finger in a drawer the other day, now have a nice scrape and bruise.
I really needed to take Ryan out to look for a man. He deserved happiness and just talking about his own balls wasn’t as fun as talking about him and someone else’s balls. The more balls you had in a conversation, the better.
You know that’s boyfriend abuse, right?
Did you text me to taunt me over my masturbation ethics or did you actually have a real purpose?
I have bad news.
CAROL CHANNING DIED???
Oh my God. Ryan needed to tone the gay down a notch.
Isn’t she already dead? Anyways, none of my clothes fit, and I’m meeting Miles’s parents. Are you up for a shopping trip?
OMG, can we go to A Pea in the Pod and strap one of those pillows to your stomach to see what clothes you can wear at eight months?
Just going to a place called A Pea in the Pod made me cringe, but I was going to suck it up. It would look a little strange being nine months pregnant with size sixteen jeans pasted on.
If you make me look eight months on purpose, I will detach your balls and make you swallow them.
Okay, perhaps a few items for you to get by.
Meet me at the mall at eleven.
See you then.
I put on a pair of yoga pants and a long T-shirt, the last of my clothing that fit. I didn’t do yoga, but Miles had a certain affinity for how I looked in yoga pants so I bought several pairs. I was thankful that I did because it was the only thing willing to make room for my expanding belly.
“I’m going to start charging you rent,” I said to my stomach. “It’s better to learn financial responsibly at a young age. You’d better start saving up.”
I had some time before I met Ryan at the mall, so I stepped around the forest of clothes and went into the family room. I was stil
l attending weekly sessions with Dr. Gerber, but hadn’t written a single letter to mini me. I figured if I was starting to have conversations with my stomach, now would be a good time to start writing to it as well. I sat on the couch and took the pad of paper and pencil that was sitting on the coffee table.
Dear It,
This is your mother.
I paused and looked at the word mother. Holy fucking shitballs, I was going to be a mother. I was going to be responsible for another human life. Oh, the travesty! No, I wasn’t going to think that way. I continued with the letter.
I’m a twenty-seven-year-old female and I like long walks on the beach.
What the hell? This wasn’t a personal ad for Craigslist. I scratched that sentence out.
So, what’s it like living in a ball of goo for nine months? Can you breath okay in there? I always wondered what it’s like to go from breathing amniotic fluid to air. Remember to tell me about that, will ya?
I was asking my child scientific questions that it would have no recollection of me asking whatsoever. I needed to find a different topic.
I can’t wait to find if you have a Ding Dong or a hot dog bun?
Fuck it! I threw the pad of paper and pen back on the coffee table and went to get ready to meet Ryan at the mall.
***
Ryan sat in the food court feverishly typing into his phone.
“Watcha doing there, tiny dancer?” I tried to peek over his shoulder.
“I signed up for a dating site. Someone replied to my profile so I was just writing back.”
“And what is the name of the sperm donor?”
“Tate.” Ryan gave me a shy smile as he put his phone back in his pocket.
“And what does Tate look like?” I tried reaching my hand into Ryan’s pocket so I could see the mysterious profile.
“Moxie, that’s not my phone!” he hollered, moving back to get my hand out of his pocket.
“Oops, sorry about that.” I bent over and spoke directly to Ryan’s crotch. “Sorry about that, little pecker. It’s all good. I have a vagina, nothing you’d be interested in.”
Ryan readjusted himself, grabbed my arm, and led me toward the store. “I’m going to make you wear extra belly pillows for that.”
When we walked into A Pea in the Pod, I instantly felt bile rise into my throat. I stood still, looking around the store filled with all things maternity, from clothes and undergarments the size of a small county to things to attach to boobs that milked them like a cow. A tiny girl who was a little too perky and zealous bounced up to Ryan and me.
“Welcome to A Pea in the Pod,” she squeaked.
“Umm, hi,” I said as I looked around the store. “Do you know where your mommy is?”
She giggled and shook her head. “I work here.”
“Did they lower the minimum age for working minors? I don’t want to get caught in the child labor law dispute,” I said, as I looked up at the ceiling to see if there were hidden cameras. “Do they pay you in money or fish and gruel?”
“I get that a lot, actually I’m twenty-two. My name is Tina. What can I help you find?” she asked, still smiling.
I looked at Ryan for help. I wasn’t sure the little nugget in front of us was going to be able to help this pregnant and extremely hormonal woman pick out clothes. Frankly, I was little afraid having her pick out items because she was small enough to get lost in the racks of clothes.
“My friend Moxie is in need of some new clothes to fit her… evolving body.” Ryan told our tiny Tina.
I punched him in the arm. “I’m pregnant, asshole, not a Neanderthal growing into a human.”
Tina laughed. “Of course. Moxie, is this your first time shopping for maternity clothes?”
“There was this time at Target that I found these amazing jeans. They were so comfortable. They were in the maternity section and had a stretchy band across the waist.”
“That must have been embarrassing to return,” Ryan said.
“Who said I returned them? I haven’t found jeans that comfortable ever since.”
“Come with me and we can pick out some items that look like your style. The goal is to be fashionable, yet comfortable.” Tina took my hand.
“Let’s start with the sweatpants section,” I told her as she led me to the back of the store.
Forty minutes later I had a heaping pile of clothes to try on in the dressing room. Everything from casual, work, and dressy clothes. Tina informed me to get a variety of items that I would need for the near future. I could always come back as my pregnancy progressed. I took that as code for “I’ll take some of your paycheck now and the rest in installments for the next several months.”
“I am so excited.” Ryan clapped his hands and bounced on the balls of his feet. He planted himself on the bench in the dressing room.
“What do you think you’re doing? I’m going to try this stuff on.”
“I know, go right ahead.” He waved his hand at all the clothes I had hung up.
“But you’re sitting in the dressing room, how am I going to change?”
“Moxie, it isn’t like I haven’t seen naked women before. Even though I’m gay, I do know what boobs and twats look like.” He crossed his legs, making himself comfortable.
“Unless you want my super growing boobs to poke your eyes out, I strongly suggest you wait out there.” I pointed to the chair outside the dressing room.
He got up, grumbling something about hormones and bitches, and sat outside the dressing room. I lifted my shirt over my head and unzipped my pants, letting them fall to the floor. I took a moment to look at my body in the dressing room mirror. There it was, my baby bump. I rubbed my hand over it, surprised how hard it felt. I hoped I wasn’t growing a boulder. I picked up the first pair of pants, tilting my head to one side to study them. They weren’t bad looking, and they had that same stretchy material as the jeans I got from Target. I stepped into them and slid them up my legs. I pulled the band over my stomach and looked into the mirror. Instant tears sprang to my eyes and a wail tore out of my mouth.
“Moxie? What’s wrong? Let me in.” Ryan pounded on the door in a panic.
I opened the door and stood there only in the pants and my bra.
“What is it? Are you in pain? Should I call Miles?”
“No.” I sniffled.
“Then what is it?”
I put both of my hands on my stomach and looked down and back up at Ryan. “I’m in love with maternity pants.”
“You look great!” I said as Moxie gave me a runway show for me in her new clothes.
I was happy she and Ryan had gone shopping for maternity clothes. For one, I knew Ryan would be able to take Moxie’s wrath when something didn’t fit or she felt like an inflated balloon. And two, I absolutely abhorred shopping. Sure, I shopped when I needed to, but if I had a choice to be in a pit full of snakes or walk around Macy’s, I would take snakes any day. I knew nothing when it came to clothes, and I knew double nothing when it came to maternity clothes. All I understood was that pants were supposed to the stretchy. Actually, I wished I had some maternity jeans after s a Thanksgiving meal.
“I feel like a whale. But a really cute whale with trendy leggings and white button-down shirt and turquoise jewelry.
“I don’t think my parents are going to be looking at your outfit.”
Note: Wrong thing to say to someone when they’re hormonal.
“What? I spent all fucking afternoon with Ryan trying on a bazillion outfits to impress your parents. I was even attacked by breast milk pads!”
I had to think if I really wanted to know what breast milk pads were, but I thought better of it since Moxie was already on edge. I had called my parents shortly after meeting Moxie’s dad and Martha; it was time they also knew about the wedding and the baby. They knew that I had every intention of proposing to Moxie, but they were surprised when I told them about the pregnancy. Actually, my mom was surprised, I my dad’s reaction was, “Danes have super
sperm. Way to get one past the goalie, son.”
My parents loved being grandparents. When we lived in Maine they would spoil Dillion endlessly. They also loved to hug, cuddle, and kiss him whenever he stayed at their house overnight. After the car accident they never left Dillion’s side. They knew that while I was with Dillion, I was grieving the loss of my wife. I was lucky to have their support; I don’t know if I would have made it without them. Dad was a lawyer and Mom was a teacher like Moxie. Both of them took time off their jobs to help me care for Dillion when he was released from the hospital.
“Sweetness, we need to go. The dinner reservation is at six and we need time to get there.”
“Is that because it takes your pregnant fiancée forever to move from place to place? Maybe we should consider renting a crane.”
I moved closer Moxie and cupped her cheeks. I looked into the deep blue eyes I loved so much and felt a rush of peace run through me. She made me so happy.
“I want you to listen very closely, Moxie Summers. I love you. I love the way your body is changing because inside of you is a life we created together. I know that this is all new to you and you have your insecurities about it. But never doubt that I think you’re beautiful.” I placed my hand on her stomach and swept her hair aside with my other hand and kissed her forehead.
