And also because I’m pretty sure if I stopped drinking for even one day, the accumulated hangover would probably kill me.
And with that sobering thought in mind—if you will excuse the pun, in what up until now has been an incredible, if not life-changing, read—here’s a list of my favorite cocktail recipes.64
COCKTAIL RECIPES
Please note that the following are cocktail recipes. You won’t find anything about wine in this section because, not to be-labor the point, I don’t have a vagina.
I mean, yes, obviously, I will drink wine if somebody hands me a glass full of it. Red, white, rosé, even the lowly white Zinfandel: it doesn’t matter, I will drink it. Sparkling wine: champagne, cava, or prosecco—yes, any and all that I can get my hands on. Sweet wine: no joke, a lot of times for lunch I will just go sit on a bench somewhere and drink an entire bottle of port.
I also didn’t include highball recipes, because a highball is technically just spirits and a mixer. And if you need a recipe for a scotch and soda, you probably shouldn’t be drinking anyway, because you’re severely developmentally disabled. And think these words are ants.
I also didn’t include recipes for my favorite unmixed drinks—I’m a pretty big fan of neat bourbon and scotch, for example—because even though by this point I’m really just trying to pad the word count, for those drinks you just pour them into a glass, Or your mouth. Or a high-heeled shoe. Or a woman’s navel. Or your navel. Really, the only limit is your imagination.
A final note about cocktails: You probably assume it’s important to use only the highest-quality spirits. In this assumption you would be absolutely correct. But it is equally important to use only the highest-quality mixers, ingredients, and assorted garnishes. Why use a thirty-year-old Garrafeira porto for a Porto flip, and then mix it with a nonorganic, non-cage-free egg yolk?
A (second) final note about cocktails: If at all possible, avoid mixing your own. It sends the wrong message. Because there’s usually somebody standing there who should be doing it for you: bartender, valet, midlevel diplomat, a woman, etc.
Bellini
I refuse to include a recipe for the Bellini. If you want a Bellini, go to Harry’s Bar in Venice and order a Bellini. Because that’s the only place on earth you should ever drink one.
Bloody Mary
A fitting way to start the cocktail section in earnest, as this is generally the way I start my day: in earnest. Packed with the vitamins and minerals I need to make it through a strenuous day of secret agenting, plus plenty of vodka (which I just want), the Bloody is the cornerstone upon which Woodhouse builds my sumptuous breakfasts. Variations abound, but this is my favorite:
3 ounces vodka
6 ounces freshly squeezed tomato juice
1 ounce freshly squeezed key lime juice
½ teaspoon freshly grated horseradish
Dash of Worcestershire sauce
Dash of hot sauce
Dash of salt and pepper
Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Pour mixture and ice into an imperial pint glass and garnish, using one of those cool little plastic swords they have, with:
1 rib organic celery, with leafy bits still attached
3 Extremedura olives (pitted and pimiento-ed ahead of time by your valet)
3 caper berries
Note: For a Bloody Caesar, simply replace the tomato juice with 6 ounces of Clamato. You will not be sorry.)
Brandy Alexander
Invented in 334 BC by the imperial mixologist to Alexander the Great, to celebrate his (Alexander’s) victory over the Persians. Who I think are now the Iranians. But also, who cares?
2 ounces cognac
2 ounces crème de cacao
2 ounces half-and-half (or heavy cream, if you’re Pam)
Pinch of nutmeg
Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with nutmeg.65
Caipirinha
I love everything about Brazil. Like, I don’t mean to sound unpatriotic, but I really wish the Brazilians would get their shit together and conquer the entire world. Enslave me, already.
½ lime, cut into wedges
2 teaspoons crystal sugar
2 ounces cachaça
With a wooden muddler (which please tell me you have), muddle lime and sugar in an old-fashioned glass. Fill glass with crushed ice and add cachaça. Some bartenders will insist on garnishing your caipirinha with a piece of sugar cane, but to me that’s just empty calories.
Cuba Libre
A Cuba Libre is just a rum and cola with a lime. I never order this from a male bartender, because if I ask for a Cuba Libre, they give me a shitty look. But if I ask for a rum and cola with a lime, they always snark back with “You mean a Cuba Libre?” To which I reply “No, I mean, what’s it like working for the minimum server wage, which is actually far lower than the regular minimum wage? I mean I know you get tips, but still… I’d eat a shotgun.”
2 ounces dark rum
4 ounces cola
1 lime wedge, as garnish
Pour the rum and cola over ice. Garnish with the lime wedge.66
Daiquiri
Invented in Havana’s El Floridita bar and made famous by Ernest Hemingway, winner of both the Pulitzer Prize in Fiction and the Nobel Prize for Literature.67 Hey, Papa: now we’ve both written a book.
4 ounces white rum
2 ounces freshly squeezed key lime juice
½ ounce gomme syrup68
Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
French 75
Invented in 1915 at Harry’s New York Bar. Which turns out is actually in Paris (France).
2 ounces gin
1 ounce gomme syrup69
1 ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice
Brut champagne (for which cava or prosecco may be freely substituted), to top up
1 lemon twist, as garnish
Shake first three ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into an ice-filled Collins glass and top up with champagne (or dry sparkling wine of your choosing; it’s your house). Garnish with twist.
ARCHER FUN FACT: ERNEST HEMINGWAY
Most of the cool guys from back in Hemingway’s time—John Huston, David Niven, Clark Gable, Eric Sevareid, Winston Churchill, etc.—thought Hemingway was a dick.
Gibson
A joyless drink for dour, low-level, consular functionaries, the Gibson is simply a martini (see page 81) in which a pearl onion shamelessly attempts to replace the olive. As if it ever could.
Gimlet
The original gin and juice. Invented by pirates in the eleventh century to prevent scurvy and, presumably, to help mentally prepare them for all the raping they were going to be doing later. Originally served neat (because pirates didn’t have ice, duh) it can also be served on the rocks.
4 ounces gin70
½ ounce freshly squeezed lime juice
½ ounce Rose’s lime juice
1 lime wedge, as garnish
Shake liquid ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass or, if you are not a pirate, over ice in an old-fashioned glass. Garnish with the lime wedge.
Green Russian
This is the only time in this entire cocktail section that I’ll say this: be careful with these.
2 ounces absinthe
2 ounces vodka
1 ounce crème de menthe
2 ounces milk (Pam, being a lost cause, uses heavy cream)
Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into an ice-filled collins glass, Drink, while thinking about the decisions that have brought you to this very spot, at this very moment.
Gummi Roy
A Rob Roy is basically a Manhattan in which the whiskey is replaced with scotch. A Gummi Roy is basically a Rob Roy in which the sweet vermouth is replaced with gummi bears.
5 gummi bears
2 ounces scotch
> Place gummi bears in a rocks glass, Add scotch. A child could do it. In fact, the brightly-colored, kid-friendly gummi bears make this an excellent drink to teach children about cocktails.
Long Island Iced Tea
There are very, very few good things that have come from Long Island. Yeah, no, I can’t actually think of a single other thing besides this cocktail. An excellent drink to serve a female companion, although prudence dictates you know her body weight within a margin of error of three pounds. Actually, prudence dictates you know this no matter what you’re serving her.
1 ounce vodka
1 ounce gin
1 ounce white rum
1 ounce triple sec
1 ounce tequila (seriously, this drink doesn’t fuck around)
2 ounces freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 ounces gomme syrup71
Splash of cola
1 lemon slice, as garnish
Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into pint glass filled with ice, garnish with the lemon slice. Hand someone your keys. House keys, too: you can just smash in a window.
Mai Tai
Tropical and delicious but, like the Bellini, unless you’re drinking it at the source (the original Don the Beachcomber’s in Los Angeles, now closed), there’s really no point in trying.
Manhattan
One of several delicious cocktails named after a place. Also, the cherry makes it a nice late-morning transitional cocktail, to help ease you into whatever you’ll be drinking at lunch.
2½ ounces rye or Canadian whiskey
1 ounce sweet red vermouth
1 dash angostura bitters
(although Peychaud’s is entirely acceptable)
1 maraschino72 cherry, as garnish
Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with the maraschino cherry. Sip, while thinking about how cool you are. Yeah, you’re doing okay.
Martini
I think I’ve made my stance on acceptable martini ingredients pretty clear. Although, in a certain other (lame British) secret agent’s defense, I do have to admit that the earliest version of his so-called “martini” was actually fairly non-vaginal, as it contained both gin and vodka and a great big shot of Lillet Blonde. And also a slice of lemon peel, which, whatever, but two or three of those bastards, and your liver will definitely know that you’re expecting great things from it.
However, I think I’ve also made it pretty clear that I don’t like to invite comparison to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. And so here is Sterling Archer’s recipe for a martini. Deal.
5 ounces gin
1 ounce dry vermouth
1 tablespoon Extremedura olive juice
3 Extremedura olives as garnish(pitted and pimento-edahead of time by your valet)73
Pour gin, vermouth, olive juice, and ice cubes into a cocktail mixer and stir. (Just to be contrary; it makes no difference whether it’s shaken or stirred, and only a colossal idiot believes otherwise.) Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with olives speared on a tiny plastic sword. Sip, thinking about how it’s actually pretty damn cool that you haven’t become overexposed. Yet.
Mint Julep
Deceptively powerful. I once got so smashed on these at the Derby, I had sex with some huge-hatted married broad in a portable toilet. True story. Not a flattering story, just a true one.
4 to 7 fresh mint leaves
Granulated sugar, to taste
3 ounces bourbon
Muddle the mint, sugar, and a small amount of crushed ice in an old-fashioned glass. Add the bourbon and top it off with crushed ice. Garnish with a sprig of mint and serve in a silver julep cup. Or, hey, you know what? While you’re at it, just make two and dump it all into a plastic cup: twenty minutes from now, you’re gonna be destroying someone’s marriage in a fiberglass shithouse.
ARCHER FUN FACT: BOURBON
Contrary to popular belief, bourbon whiskey may be produced anywhere in the United States, and not exclusively in Kentucky. Same thing goes for banging your cousin.
Mojito
Somebody please remind me: Why is it we don’t like Cuba? Seriously, did I miss something? Did John F. Kennedy walk into the Oval Office one day, only to find Fidel Castro lighting his Cohiba with the American flag while teabagging Jackie? In front of John-John? What? Oh, communism. Oh, okay, now I get… No, that still doesn’t make sense. Seriously?
3 sprigs fresh mint, plus more to garnish
2 teaspoons granulated sugar
1½ ounces freshly squeezed lime juice
2 ounces white rum
Soda water, to top up
Muddle the mint, sugar, and lime juice in a collins glass. Fill the glass with crushed ice. Add the rum and top it up with soda water. Garnish with a sprig of mint and serve with a straw. Sip, thinking about how awesome it would be if the Bay of Pigs Invasion had worked and we were all down there right now, up to our eyeballs in the hottest, roundest, mochaccino-coloredest asses on the planet.
Molotov Cocktail
I guess this technically doesn’t belong in this section. For one thing, since it contains fewer than three ingredients, the Molotov cannot correctly be called a cocktail. For another thing, it’s an incendiary device which, if you live in the United States, is specifically prohibited under the National Firearms Act. So unless you happen to live in Finland sometime between 1940 and 1945, not only do not drink this, please please please do not even attempt to make it.74
1 750 ml glass bottle(if you’re an adult; kids may want to use a 250 ml or 500 ml bottle)
750 ml gasoline (or however many milliliters you ended up going with, bottle-wise)
1 foot duct tape, torn in half lengthwise
4 storm matches
Live in Finland between 1940 and 1945. Fill bottle with gasoline. Replace cap. Use duct tape to secure matches, longitudinally, to the side of the bottle. Go find some Soviet (or, later, Nazi) invaders driving around your little Finnish village in a half-track. Light matches and throw cocktail at the Soviet (or, later, Nazi) half-track. Hide. Await swift and appallingly brutal reprisal.
Moscow Mule
I was worried that, given the overall espionage theme of this book, the Moscow Mule might seem like too obvious a choice. But then I realized go write your own fucking book.
2 ounces vodka
2 ounces freshly squeezed lime juice
5 ounces ginger beer
Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into an ice-filled old-fashioned glass.
Negroni
One of several Italian exports which, like the Vespa or the Fiat 500, should only be driven by a woman. Although apparently frozen-pea-spokesperson Orson Welles was a big fan.
1½ ounces gin
1½ ounces sweet red vermouth
1½ ounces Campari
1 slice orange peel, as garnish
Mix ingredients and serve, over ice, in an old-fashioned glass. Garnish with orange peel.
Peppermint Patty
Another kid-friendly cocktail. And just amazing with a toasty raclette, back at the lodge after a cold day on the slopes in Gstaad. Or on a bearskin rug with a beautiful woman, as you both bask in post-coital bliss and the warming glow of a crackling fire. Ooh, or on a hayride!
12 ounces prepared hot cocoa
(Scratch-made, not instant; I shouldn’t have to say that.)
8 ounces peppermint schnapps Mini-marshmallows (optional), as garnish
Combine schnapps and hot cocoa in a thermos. Garnish with mini-marshmallows, if desired.
Pimm’s Cup
At first glance, this drink seems like the Brits tried to do to cocktails what they have long done to food. And world wars, Seriously, is that a cucumber in your drink, or are you just glad to see Lend-Lease battleships steaming toward your Luftwaffe-pummeled shitbox of an island?
1 small English cucumber
3 ounces Pimm’s No. 1
1 ounce freshly squeezed Me
yer lemon juice
Pinch of sugar
Sprig of fresh rosemary
Sprig of thyme
Sprig of mint
1 slice Meyer lemon
1 fresh strawberry, halved
3 ounces carbonated lemonade or lemon-lime soda or ginger ale or ginger beer75
Cut two spears from the cucumber, set aside for garnish, Dice remaining cucumber and place it into a cocktail mixer, Muddle, then add Pimm’s, lemon juice, sugar, and some ice. Shake vigorously and strain into an ice-filled Collins glass (or repurposed 40mm Luftwaffe shell casing). Add the herbs, lemon slice and strawberry halves. Fill the glass with carbonated lemonade (or whatever) and garnish with the cucumber spears. Think about all those brave Americans who died protecting a country that would invent a drink like this. Which, all kidding aside, is actually pretty delicious.
Pink Lady
The quintessential girly drink. Which doesn’t mean that, not unlike a scorned stewardess, it can’t embarrass the shit out of you in front of your current date and a restaurant full of people.
1½ ounces gin
½ ounce applejack
½ ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 egg white
4 dashes grenadine
1 Maraschino cherry, to garnish
Shake all ingredients, plus ice but minus cherry, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with cherry. Sip very slowly, while waiting for those guys down there at the other end of the bar to say a goddamn word.
Pisco Sour
Not to sound like a dick, but except for Paddington Bear (who is totally awesome!!!) Peru has never had much going for it. I mean, even the gruff-yet-loveable Paddington got out of there on the first train he could hop. But this cocktail goes a long way toward bolstering Peru’s image.
2 ounces pisco
1 ounce freshly squeezed lime juice
¾ ounce simple syrup
1 egg white
Dash of angostura bitters
(although Peychaud’s is acceptable)
Shake all ingredients, minus bitters, quite vigorously and over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and dash the bitters over the foam. Serve with a small marmalade sandwich.
Pruno
I’m making an exception here because pruno, being technically wine, does not belong in this section. But if you plan on becoming a secret agent, there’s a good chance that at some point you’ll find yourself imprisoned in some flyblown tropical shithole of a country. These countries are generally run by dictators who, among other things, are not known for their humane treatment of prisoners. So while you plot your escape (and subsequent revenge), you are definitely going to want to be shitfaced: the soles of your bastinado-ravaged feet will thank you.
How to Archer Page 5
