“She emphatically wants to choose which breast she takes. She hesitates a bit, looking which breast to take, points to the winner and says ‘tha.’ Sometimes it looks as if she is deciding between two different flavors.”
Juliette’s mom, 65th week, or approaching 15 months
“If he gets something into his head, it’s impossible to change his mind. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He just goes on to the next room and gets up to no good. The toys in his brother’s and sister’s drawers were this week’s target. He really had designs on the modeling clay. He knows full well what he is allowed, but he is less concerned with what I think of it all.”
Frankie’s mom, 65th week, or approaching 15 months
“If he does not wish to listen, he shakes his head ‘no.’ These days, he walks around the whole day shaking his head, meanwhile just going about his business. Recently, when he was fishing through the garbage can, I got angry at him. A bit later, I saw him sulking in the corner crying.”
John’s mom, 70th week, or 16 months
“All of a sudden she’s developed her own will! We picked out a book in the children’s book store. It was really fun. When I decided that it was time to go, she had other ideas. First she screamed her head off in the store and then kept on screaming when we went outside. On the bike she kept standing up in her seat. I had to keep pushing her down in her chair. We almost got into a real fight. She didn’t want to leave the bookstore, and I had no say in the matter. I’m still amazed.”
Josie’s mom, 68th week, or 15½ months
“Three weeks ago we went shopping for Thomas. He needed a ‘big boy’s suit’ for a party. When we had chosen a suit, he came tip-toeing back with a pair of shoes – dainty, shiny, black patent leather. He tried to convince dad that he needed these shoes. Dad didn’t think that that was such a good idea and put the shoes back in the rack.
A week later, Thomas and I went back to the shoe store. He was getting his first pair of shoes. I went straight for the macho gear. It seemed a ‘shoe-in’ that my big boy would want the same, but he had other ideas. On the girls’ rack, he found a pair of shiny lace-up boots with feathers. He loved them and had to have them. With his prize in hand, he came wobbling up to me. I was astounded. There was my boyish Thomas with a pair of dainty patent leather boots in his slightly less dainty hands, beaming. They were exactly the princess boots that I loved so much as a child, it was bewildering that my little guy would fall for the same thing. I quickly recommended a series of boyish styles while sneaking the shiny boots back were they belonged. Thomas looked at the boy’s rack and quickly found something much to his liking. ‘Vroom, vroom,’ he cheered and grabbed a pair of thick-soled shoes with trucks sticking out the sides of the shoes. This made them shoes on wheels. As a true car-lover, they caught his eye. He wanted them and was very content; as was I. But when I was paying for the shoes on wheels, he nudged me. There he was trying to put something onto the sales counter. It was the boots.”
Thomas’ mom, 69th week, or approaching 16 months
“She is increasingly insistent. When she won’t cooperate, we get into a fight. While getting dressed, eating or if I’m in a hurry. Yesterday, it happened again. I lost my cool and ended up screaming and cursing at her.”
Julia’s mom, 66th week, or 15 months
“Sometimes if she sees something in my hand, like a knife, she must have it. This can result in real altercations.”
Nina’s mom, 67th week, or 15 months
Aggression
Many mothers say that their sweet toddler sometimes turns into an aggressive tiger. This makes mothers uneasy. Yet it is an understandable change. In the world of principles, your child tries all types of behavior. Being aggressive is one of those. Your toddler studies how mom, other adults and children react if he hits, bites, pushes or kicks, or if he deliberately breaks something.
Show your child what you think of his behavior. This is the only way that he will learn that being aggressive isn’t sweet, interesting or funny. This way he learns that it is hurtful and that adults are not amused by aggressive or destructive behavior.
“She hit me in the face. I said ‘don’t do that’ and she did it again and started to laugh. It really bothered me. It’s tough laying down ground rules.”
Hannah’s mom, 70th week, or 16 months
“He bit a kid at daycare. For no apparent reason.”
Mark’s mom, 70th week, or 16 months
Tips on aggression
Research has shown that shortly after the first birthday mothers report the first physical aggression. At 17 months, 90 percent of the mothers report that their child is sometimes aggressive. Physical aggression peaks just before the second birthday Thereafter, this type of behavior recedes By the time children have reached school age, it will have mostly disappeared under normal circumstances.
Of course, some children are more prone to aggressive behavior than others. Yet, a child’s surroundings are also very important. They help determine how long a child remains aggressive. If children live with adults and children who are aggressive, then they can assume that “being aggressive” is normal social behavior. However, children can also live in an environment where aggression is not tolerated and where sweet and friendly behavior is rewarded. The result is that the child will not start hitting and kicking when he is frustrated, wants something or is corrected. He uses more acceptable ways of expressing himself
Mine and yours
In the world of principles your little one discovers that some toys in the house are his and only his. Just like big people, he is suddenly the proud owner of his own stuff. This is quite a discovery for a toddler. He also needs time to grasp what “mine and yours” means. While figuring this out, things aren’t easy for him. Some children find it disturbing if another child grabs something out of their hands for no reason without recognizing them as owner. Such lack of understanding starts them crying. Others become very wary and protect their territory as best they can. They come up with all sorts of strategies to prevent others from getting close to their things. They especially don’t trust children. Your toddler still has to learn to lend, share and play with others.
“She is developing a certain urge to own. When we have guests, she comes and proudly shows her possessions. If we go over to play at a friend’s house, she grabs her things and gives them to me for safe keeping. She hopes by doing so to prevent her friend from playing with them.”
Eve’s mom, 64th week, or 14½ months
“Suddenly, he is very possessive of my breasts. If his father comes close, he tries to protect his territory. He clamps his mouth on to a nipple and covers the other with his hand so that dad can’t get to it.”
Thomas’ mom, 65th week, or approaching 15 months
“Every time his little friend snatches one of his toys, he bursts out in tears.”
Robin’s mom, 68th week, or 15½ months
“He doesn’t let anyone take anything from him. You can’t even tempt him with a ‘good trade’ either. If he’s got a hold of it, he’s keeping it. He’s keen, though, to snatch things from others. There he has no scruples at all.”
Kevin’s mom, 65th week, or approaching 15 months
Being nice and placating
The joke strategy
In the world of principles, tricks and antics play an ever increasing role. Your toddler may start making his first jokes and he will get the biggest kick out of them himself. You might notice that he appreciates others’ jokes also. Many toddlers do. They enjoy gags, and if people or animals do something out of the ordinary, whether in real life or on TV, it makes them laugh. They find it exciting. Some tykes pull gags to try getting around the rules.
You may notice that “being funny” is used as a strategy to do something that would otherwise be frowned upon. Something pleasant and unexpected is ever more successful in getting on mom’s good side than a temper tantrum. Give your child the opportunity to be creative while making fun and pulling
gags. Be very clear when he oversteps the bounds. He is unable to know the differences without you.
“He is constantly kidding around and has a great time doing it. He and his friends have a barrel of laughs acting silly. He really cracks up if he sees an animal do something silly or unexpected.”
Robin’s mom, 68th week, or 15½ months
“He loves just being silly. He giggles and if his sister joins in, he really bursts out laughing.”
James’ mom, 69th week, or approaching 16 months
“Cartoons really make him laugh , especially if something sudden or unexpected happens. He even loves the monsters in ‘Sesame Street.’ He really starts giggling when they talk and move around.”
Robin’s mom, 70th week, or 16 months
“He loves for me to chase after him saying, ‘I’m gonna get you.’ However, when I want to put on his jacket, he runs away squawking and making a game of it.”
James’ mom, 70th week, or 16 months
“She cracks up when she ignores me, is disobedient or is making fun of me, or when she hides something from me and it is hard for me to get at. She thinks she is very clever.”
Laura’s mom, 66th week, or 15 months
“She loves playing pranks. When we get to the front door, she doesn’t wait for me to put the key in the lock, she just continues walking to the next door. She really thinks she’s funny.”
Ashley’s mom, 70th week, or 16 months
Negotiating and bargaining
It used to be that mom laid down the law. Children had to obey. Adults didn’t take kindly to back-talk. Everything changes. Nowadays it is generally assumed that children who have learned to negotiate grow up being better able to think for themselves. When your toddler lands in the world of principles, you could see a budding negotiator.
Does your toddler experiment with the words “yes” and “no?” They sometimes do so nodding or shaking their heads, occasionally pronouncing aloud “yes” or “no.” They also try nodding while saying no and shaking while saying yes, which is very funny to them. His stuffed animals have mandatory “yes” and “no” lessons. Other times he practices on his own while building something or wandering through the house just looking for something to get into, but mostly he practices his yes and no routine with his mother. She is also good for trying out his jokes on.
Give your child the opportunity to be inventive with the concepts of yes and no. This type of practice allows him to learn to use a yes or a no to his advantage. How does mom do it? He can find the best yes and no strategy for various situations. He discovers which strategy is best suited to meet his needs.
“He is able to answer all sorts of questions with just a yes or no. He sometimes makes a mistake. He says ‘yes’ when he means ‘no’ and if I act upon his answer, he smiles and quickly changes to a ‘no,’ in a tone of ‘not really.’”
Luke’s mom, 65th week, or approaching 15 months
“She says ‘yes’ and ‘no’ with increasing authority, but she likes to try to trick me using yes and no.”
Juliette’s mom, 66th week, or 15 months
“She tests the words yes and no on me continuously: Is her ‘yes’ a real yes and will her ‘no’ remain a no? Perhaps I can find a way to cheat? She tests me to see how far she can go.”
Nina’s mom, 70th week, or 16 months
“He knows what he wants and is getting better at answering with a definite ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ He also has different yes’s and no’s. Some indicate very clearly where his boundaries lay. When he reaches his limit, I know that he is dead set. His other yes’s and no’s lack finality. I know then that I can press him for a better deal.”
Paul’s mom, 71st week, or 16 months and a week
Asking for help
Your toddler can be inventive in trying to put someone on the spot. He can do it in a clever, sneaky or sweet way. He still requires some practice in learning the tricks of the trade.
Just watch your little one go to work on you or someone else when he needs to get something done. Tell him what you think. Your child is still researching in the world of principles. He learns from your feedback.
“When he asks me to get something for him and I ask where I should put it, he walks to a spot and points where I should put it down. Then he is very friendly and easy going.”
Steven’s mom, 65th week, or approaching 15 months
“She is getting better at expressing her wishes. She takes my hand and leads me off if she needs a new diaper. She grabs my finger if she needs me to do something for her with my finger, like pressing a button. She also leads me to where she doesn’t want to go alone. It doesn’t matter if I’m in the middle of something or not. She wants things done right away.”
Josie’s mom, 67th week, or 15 months and a week
“He points at things more and more. He also points to the things he wants you to get for him. This week he lured his grandmother to the kitchen, walked to the cabinet where the cookies are and pointed to the top shelf.”
Frankie’s mom, 63rd week, or 14 months and a week
“With a sly look on her face, she pointed to an egg and then a plate. She meant, ‘put that egg on my plate.’ She was so cute that no one could refuse.”
Hannah’s mom, 62nd week, or 14 months
“These past weeks he has been commanding like a general. He cries out loudly and forcefully: ‘Mom! Mom!’ when he wants something. When I look at him, he sits there with his arm outstretched, pointing at the toy of his choosing. He wants them brought and when he gets his request, he pulls his arm back and carries on playing. Giving orders has become second nature to him. This week was the first time I really noticed it.”
Matt’s mom, 68th week, or 15½ months
“Today she showed me what she wanted when we were visiting someone. She took my hand and walked to the door, behind which were our coats, opened the door, went to our coats and pointed while looking at me with a questioning look on her face. I didn’t know what hit me.”
Emily’s mom, 67th week, or 15 months and a week
Cooperation
In the world of principles your child has choices: “Am I going with the flow or against it?” “Do I care what mom says or not?” In addition to that, your toddler is growing ever more outspoken and more capable. Small assignments are getting easier for him, like: “Get your shoes,” “Go get your bottle,” “Throw that in the trash,” “Give it to daddy,” “Put it in the hall,” or “Put it in the hamper.” You might have already noticed that you sometimes don’t have to say what to do. Your little fellow already grasps what you want and is working along. It is increasingly easier to lay down certain ground rules.
Try involving your child in day-to-day business and getting involved in his day-to-day, too. It makes him feel understood, appreciated and important. His ego is growing. Praise him too, if he is thinking ahead for you. He is demonstrating that he knows what needs to be done.
“Every time before we go somewhere, she gets her own jacket.”
Josie’s mom, 65th week, or approaching 15 months
“He now understands that he needs to stay with me when we’re on the sidewalk.”
Luke’s mom, 66th week, or 15 months
“She puts two and two together. When I say: ‘Go find your bottle,’ she returns after her expedition and makes a gesture of ‘gone.’”
Eve’s mom, 72nd week, or 16½ months
“When she needs changing, she walks with me to her dresser. She lays still and practically helps me.”
Laura’s mom, 63rd week, or 14 months and a week
“She knows that she is not allowed to take the nuts from the bowl on the table. So she thought of a trick so she could eat the nuts and still conform to the rules. She got her own plate and a spoon and scooped some nuts onto her plate. She then ate her winnings with her spoon. This way she could have some nuts and eat them, too, without breaking the rules in her eyes.”
Ashley’s mom, 68th week, or 15½ months<
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“When we are discussing practical things, he follows the conversation, fully focused. When the conversation is finished, he smiles exuberantly to demonstrate that he could understand some of what was said even though it was not directed at him. After that, he likes to prove it with one feat or another. It’s almost like we just had a conversation. It really makes his day when we understand each other so well.”
John’s mom, 63rd week, or 14 months and a week
“She keeps trying to involve one of us in her games.”
Jenny’s mom, 72rd week, or 16½ months
Being helpful
When toddlers land in the world of principles, most of them are particularly interested in all the goings-on about the house, although there is a big chance that your little one is no longer content just watching mom do her thing. He wants to help. He wants to lighten your load.
Let your child do his part. He really wants to believe that he is a big help and that without him things would be a huge mess or that dinner wouldn’t be any good. Be sure he receives a well-deserved compliment.
“He constantly wants to help me. Whether it is straightening up, cleaning, going to bed or somewhere else, it doesn’t matter. He wants very much to take part in the day-to-day routine on his own accord. When he is taken seriously, it gives him profound contentment. Understanding one another is central these days.”
Jim’s mom, 64th week, or 14½ months
“She helps me set and clear the table as well as do the vacuuming. She just started one day and it disappoints her if she doesn’t get the necessary time and space to be creative.”
The Wonder Weeks Page 31
