by Linda Wright
Then I felt his lips, kissing me all over, first at my neck, down to my chest and taking his time on my breasts. He kept working his way down, skipping down to my feet and working his way up my legs. Finally he found himself between my legs and let his tongue lead the way. I gripped the sheets and curled my toes. It had been quite some time since I had had any sexual pleasure. It was a surreal experience.
Just as I thought I couldn't take much more, John stopped and drew himself up. He leaned over to grab protection and then put it in place and began to position himself on top of me. I arched my back a bit, leaning up to brace myself. As he entered me with both gasped in surprise at the sensation. As we began to rock together the little consciousness I had left drifted away. We were so dissolved into one another I could not tell whose heartbeat I was feeling. I just knew this was beyond anything I had ever known.
When it was over we lie there partially in post-coital bliss, but also, at least for me, in a bit of confusion. I had violated so much of what I typically believed in. I had never slept with a client before. But it was something about John that felt completely different. I could not, however, compromise myself. I could not do this and represent him. We would have to set boundaries and be very clear on what happened next. In the morning. For now I decided to rest in John's arms and save the difficult stuff for the morning light.
Chapter 3
The following morning I was awakened by my phone. It was in the pocket of my blazer, but I had the ringer up loudly and could hear everything. I got up and got it. I heard John turning over behind me. I looked at my phone screen and saw that it was Larry. Back to reality. I cleared my throat and answered. "Hello, Larry."
"Hey,Tiffany, great news. It's all over, the charges have been dropped."
"Wait, what?"
"The girl dropped the charges."
"Just like that?"
"Yeah. Supposedly she let her cousin talk her into it after hearing how wild the party was and that police were called. They figured they'd be able to scheme some settlement money. Courtney began to feel guilty and decided that she didn't want to go through with it after hearing that John had gotten dropped from the team and what everyone was saying about him. Once the league and team heard about it they decided that John could come back and play. They still want him to clean up his act though. I have to tell John."
"Oh, that's okay. I'll do it. Don't worry about it. But this is awesome news."
"Yes it is. I'm so glad it's over. I'll talk to you later. Tell John to call me."
"Okay, I will. Bye."
I hung up the phone and looked over at John. He was sitting up in bed watching me. He said, "What's awesome news?"
"Apparently the girl has dropped the charges against you. It's over. And you are back on the team and cleared to play."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes."
John leapt up from the bed happily. He threw up his hands and said, "This calls for a celebration. I gotta throw a party."
"Really? After everything you just went through?"
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I don't want to see another party for quite some time."
"Good. You may not have this case anymore, but you still need to clean up your act. You still need to do better."
"I know and I will. But now that you're not my lawyer anymore does that mean you're not going to help?"
"You still want me to?"
"Yes. I wasn't just talking yesterday, Tiffany. I was serious. I really feel something between us. I feel like this case was just to bring us together."
"Together for what?"
"To make me a better man. I know you felt what happened last night. That wasn't just sex. It was more."
"But what about when you're back playing and things get back to normal. Are you going to go back to drinking, smoking, and having sex with random women?"
"Look, I don't want to do that anymore. That's in my past. I'm ready to do better now. For real. For my family. For my daughter. For you."
"If you're serious and wanting to try, then I'll do everything I can to help you."
John smiled and crossed the room to hug and kiss me. It really felt like things were getting to be different. I didn't know what the future held for me and John. Or for John in general, but what was transpiring between us defied all of that. It felt like I was the right woman in the right place to help him. It really did feel like fate.
***
The next couple of months would prove that to be right. It was not an easy journey, but John was able to really turn a corner. He had a few lapses in judgement, but overall, he was a far different man than he had been in the past. He focused on his game, but also on a being a better father. He was spending much more time with Dalia. There had been no more wild parties and he was no longer depending on alcohol or drugs to cope. It seemed at last he was becoming the man that he should have always been.
I'd like to take all of the credit, but he was the one doing the work. I was just there to support and hold him accountable. Our courtship moved quickly, but not too much. I tried to make sure we got to know each other well enough before taking it too far. John wanted me to move into his house, but I didn't think we should rush things. I felt like we should take our time. I held out for a time, but it was not long before moving trucks filled with my things were pulling up to his house. It was little denying that what we had was incredible. It was no use in fighting it.
One thing I did make sure I did was keep doing my work. I was not going to be living off of John. I had my own and I was going to keep my own. We were moving towards our happily ever after. He had finally grown up from the spoiled, immature, out of control star athlete. There were some fumbles along the way, but it was not about the fumbles, it was about the recovery. Hopefully, we'd be celebrating his recovery for a long time to come.
Chapter 4
That was for about 6 months. As the playoffs drew to a close and it appeared that the LA Foxes were going to repeat, I noticed a change in John's behavior. He began to withdraw and show signs of going backward. At the time I had gotten back into counseling and working with ex-offenders and men in prison full time. I was spending a lot time away from home, but I was trying not to neglect John. It was not so much that he was complaining. It was quite the opposite, he didn't truly seem to notice.
I noticed more and more that he was stepping back from me and he was spending less time with his daughter. I knew I had to intervene and make sure he wasn't getting back into old, bad habits. One day when I was able to catch him at home I sat him down. I said, "John, what's going on with you?"
"What you mean?"
"I can see a difference in you. It's like you're changing. What's up?"
"It's just the playoffs. The build up to the Super Bowl is stressful. We're not in the clear yet."
"Are you sure that's all it is? I know I've been working a lot, but I'm still here for you. You can still talk to me."
"I know that. Look, don't worry about me. I'll be fine."
He got up, kissed me on my forehead, and walked away. I wasn't buying any of it. I knew that something was going on with him. I decided I needed to bring in some more help at work so that I could spend more time making sure that John was staying on the right path. I hated to feel like I had to watch over John so closely, but I knew how these things go. Cycles die hard. It could go fine for a while, but then the next thing you know it's right back where things started. Especially when the guard is let down. It starts with one drink, smoking just a little and things like that. If it went too far it would be even harder to reign it back in.
I was not the only one who noticed. After the Foxes' next game, which they won by just a field goal, John's mother pulled me to the side. She said, "Tiffany, you're a good woman and a good influence on my son. He's been doing so well since you came along. But I'm afraid that he's slipping. I can tell that something about him is off."
"Yeah, I noticed too. I tried talking to him, but he just claims that it's playoff
stress. He says that he's fine."
"He's definitely not. I know my son. I've been watching him his whole life. I noticed the major difference in him, this whole time and I'm noticing some of the signs from the past showing up. We have to do something."
"You're right, Miss Mackey. I'm going to see what I can do. It'll be a bit tough with the playoffs going on, but I'm going to make sure we get him back on track."
So I began finding ways to spend extra time with him. The close game had clearly made things worse, but I was able to talk him into taking Dalia to Disneyland and that seemed to make him feel better. I also scheduled a day of massage for him to try and relax him. I wanted to find ways to help him cope without making him feel like I was accusing him of anything. It seemed to be working. I felt like he was getting better. He didn't seem so distant, we were talking more, and it felt like whatever he had been going through before was resolving itself.
Then it happened. The following Sunday in the AFC Championship game, John missed a catch that would have won the who game. The Foxes ended up losing by 6. Everyone was stunned. John became very angry and could be seen on the sideline throwing things. After the game, he tore his way through the press conference being very irritable and snapping at a few reporters. On the way out he stomped off and disappeared. I went home to wait, hoping that he just needed to clear his head a while before coming back home. After a few hours, I got in my car and started driving around looking for him. He was not answering my calls or texts. After going to a few of his friends' houses and not finding him, I went back home. I had no idea where he could be, but I had a growing dread that he was off doing something terrible. I awaited a call that would likely bring bad news.
It was about two in the morning when John finally came staggering back in. He was extremely drunk and high and there was no telling where he had been. He grew belligerent and started throwing things around the house. I tried to calm him down, which turned into him advancing on me with sloppy kisses and groping. I pushed him away and tried to get him to lie down. When I refused him, he grew angry and pushed me away. With his strength he caused me to fall back into a painting we had up on the wall, causing the glass to shatter and me to fall down onto the floor. John sobered up a bit and came to my aid, trying to pick me up off of the floor. I regained my footing and began to walk away. I grabbed my purse and phone and made for the door.
John jumped in front of me saying, "Baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just messed up about the game. I would never heart you. Please don't go."
"Leave me alone, John. I need to get out of here."
"You going to the hospital? You want me to go with you? I'll go with you."
"No, I'm not going to the hospital. I'm going somewhere to think. I'm going to decide if I want to deal with this."
"It was just a little relapse, I promise I won't do it again. I swear, just please don't leave me."
"Get out of my way, John."
I moved around him and tried to get to the door. He kept trying to grab me and pull me back to him, but I swatted him away and kept heading out. Finally I made it out of the door with him on my heels. I was no longer really listening to him. I just knew I needed to get out of there. I had some serious thinking to do. I went to my car and opened the driver's door. John grabbed the door and said, "V, please don't go. You know I love you. I messed up really bad and I know it. Just don't give up on me. I'm going to do better."
"I'm not giving up on you, John. I just need time. Just give me time."
"Okay. I'll give you your space. Just please spend that time thinking about us."
John took a step away from the car. I got in and started it up. I glanced over at John before driving away. As I made my way out of the driveway, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw John standing there watching me drive away. He looked pitiful. It made my heart hurt a bit, but I knew I had to do what I had to do. I kept driving out onto the road leading away from the house. As I drove on, I remembered what time it was. It was far too late to go to anyone's house. I would have to go to a hotel and get a room. I supposed I could get a few hours' rest before doing any real thinking. I drove to the nearest hotel I could find and got myself a room. I went up to the room and sat down on the bed. It took me a moment to adjust to the new state of things. As I pulled back the sheets and laid down, I thought about everything.
It became clear very quickly that I was not going to be getting much sleep. I lay there thinking about John. When we got together I knew that he had issues and I was going to have to help him through them. I was prepared to support him, encourage, and even hold him accountable, but I did not want to spend all of my time worrying that something would happen and he would go running back into bad behavior. I was his girlfriend, not his mother, nor did I want to be. I had intended on breaking his cycle, not creating a new one where he messes up, I help clean it up, he does alright for a while, and then we make it back to him messing up. That would be too much.
I loved John and I was invested in his life, but what I did not want was to put myself in a position to feel like I was the new thing he was dependent on. I needed him to stand on his own two feet and be able to do the right thing without me having to hold his hand every step of the way. It would grow to be too much. It already was growing to be too much. I had to really think if it would be worth it. As much as I loved John, I also had to love myself. Could I really be there for John without having to sacrifice too much of myself? That was the question that I would have to get an answer to before going forward.
I finally drifted to sleep and had some odd dreams about John and I. We would be perfectly happy together and then he would go off of the rails. Time and time again. I woke up feeling like I had hardly rested. I still did not feel resolved and I was a bit sore. I decided that I wouldn't be able to decide anything until I talked to John. We had to get somethings settled. I needed him to know what I felt and know that he understood my position. It was not fair to assume anything without giving the opportunity to make the adjustments I needed him to make. If he was willing, then I was for it. Otherwise, it was time for us to go our separate ways.
I check out of the hotel and made my way back to the house. I hoped that John would be in a better state this morning than he had been hours ago. He was probably still sleeping. It didn't matter, I needed to get this straightened out as soon as possible. I pulled up to the house and got out of my car. I felt nervous as I went up to the door, but I knew I had to do it. I went inside and was instantly surprised to see that there were balloons all over the place. What was going on here? The curtains were all drawn and there were candles wherever balloons were not. I walked around towards the kitchen and found my favorite flowers, lady tulips, sitting on every surface. That's when I spotted John standing there amongst it all. I said, "What is going on, John? What is all of this?"
"I got it for you. I was hoping you would come back, so I had this set up for when you did. Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful, but John we need to talk."
"I know, but let me go first. I've done a lot of bad things in my life, but last night was the worst. I can deal with hurting myself, but I cannot deal with hurting you. That was enough to make me never want to touch another drink or drug for the rest of my life. I know it's going to be work, but I'm willing to do it. Yesterday after the game, I felt like I total failure. I let my team down, all the fans, and everybody else who always thought I was so great. We were supposed to win it all again this year, but we didn't, and all because of me. It hurt so much and the only thing I could think to do was numb it. I turned to the old reliables and damn near threw everything away. It was stupid, immature, and it won't happen again. I can take losing games. I know what people will say about me, but that doesn't matter any more. I'll work hard and we'll get it next year. What I can't take losing is you. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself and I'm going to do it. You'll see, I'm going to be the man that you deserve for me to be. My whole life has gotten so much better
since you came into it. I used to think that football was the most important thing. Well, football and my mama. Now, I know what my priority is. Beyond being a good football player. I want to be a good father for Dalia, a good role model for the fans, a good man, and, if you'll let me, a good husband for you."
He got down on one knee and took my hand. He said, "I may make mistakes, little things that get on your nerves. Maybe I'll forget certain days or not pick up after myself, but when it comes to anything that can make you walk away from me, I'm not doing that. I'm going to be better and better and better for you. And hopefully with you. One day I'll retire from football, I can only go on for so long. I don't know what the future holds for me. All I know is that I want to spend it with you, being better for you. I'm asking you to believe in me and to trust that all of the foolishness is behind me. Please, Tiffany, be my wife. I'm going to do everything I can to give you everything you deserve."
He took a ring box from his pocket and propped it open. There was a huge, gorgeous diamond ring inside. I stared at it and then back up at John. I had come in here wanting to get some kind of assurance that John was ready and willing to be better. I just wanted to know that I could count on him, that he saw what I was trying to do for him and appreciated it. Looking around the room and down at him on his knee, having heard everything he had said, I asked myself that question again. Could I be with John without having to sacrifice too much of myself? I thought about the six months we had spent together. He had been amazing in so many ways. I was so impressed with his progress. As far as I knew, he had been on his best behavior. I had to consider whether or not it was him that I loved and not who I wanted him to be. We had a connection like no other. Was that enough or did I need more? Could I really be Mrs. John Mackey as he was?
