by Linda Wright
Jerking awake James waited impatiently for his friend to arrive. Ten came and went. The servants assured him they’d delivered his message. At one in the afternoon a knock on the door dragged him fully awake as a blurry man stopped at his bedside.
“Doodle? Is that you?”
“Who elsh would I be? Thish had better be good Lucky. I have a…Head…Ahtchoooooo…” James flinched in pain as his ears nearly popped from the noise of his friend’s sneeze and then winced in disgust as he wiped his friend’s snot off his face. “…I have a head cold.”
“Obviously. I need you to take this to your cousin, Penny, and don’t sneeze on her.”
“I don’t have a coushin named Penny.”
“Miss Elizabeth Morgan.”
“Why do you call her Penny?”
“Never mind that, just deliver this into her hands. You can have your lucky snuff box back…it’s in the top drawer. Tell her I’m gravely ill with fever. Tell her I wish I could have the pleasure of delivering it myself.”
“You’re not in love with the old thing are you?”
“Yes.”
“And you want to marry her?”
“The sooner the better…” Doodle’s eyes lit up as his Uncle’s promise to pay him five thousand pounds if he could marry Elizabeth off to Devonshire became a glorious certainty.
“Congratsh Lucky…you mush be mad, but I’ll be devilish glad to have you in the family…”
“Can you come tomorrow? I want to send her a letter every day.”
“Don’t you have a footman?”
“Lady Sophia won’t let my footman present anything to Penny…I’m desperate…”
“If I musht…you could inspire my promptness with a loan. Mulgrave picked my pockets.”
“There’s a purse in my desk…in my study. The key is behind Dante’s Vita Nuova…it’s on the middle shelf near the left side. You’ll tell me how she receives it won’t you? Tell her I’m ill. Tell her I wish I could be there…”
“You’re repeating yourshelf. Go back to shleep…Ahhhhtchooooooo.”
“Ugh. Go away before you deafen me.”
Five days later, James’s fever had been joined by a head cold exponentially increasing his misery. Doodle came every day promptly at one and left with a cheerful tally-ho. Reggie insisted she got the letters and that she wished her suitor good health. James’s heart was starving to hear anything about his beloved, but Doodle’s cryptic responses merely caused more agony. Learning the Duke of Strathmore was attending Lady Sophia’s reception room daily, didn’t improve his mood. Nor did Doodle’s revelation that the latest craze haunting Bath’s smoking rooms was an oft repeated wager demanding the dared man to ask the aging spinster, Miss Elizabeth Morgan, to marry him. It was surmised she’d turned down at least thirty men that week alone. It was only time before she said yes and the unlucky man would be stuck with the old thing. The thought of hoards of young men courting Penny made James groan in misery in-between sneezes. After two more days in bed James couldn’t bear to think of another day passing without seeing Penny and fighting off his rivals. Exhausted by the acts of bathing and dressing, he had to rest fully clothed for another two hours before he had the energy to descend to his carriage. His pockets bulging with clean handkerchiefs, he was shown into Lady Sophia’s drawing room. His hungry eyes found his heart’s desire meekly embroidering as the densely packed room chatted at an ear splitting level. He heard someone say, “Hey Lucky, where have you been?” Penny’s head snapped in his direction; her smile lighting a bonfire in his chest. Sniffing, he returned her smile. With his heart beating a rhythmic Hallelujah Chorus, he strode into the room like a conquering hero. One minute the floor in front of him was empty, the next he was tripping over an extended boot. One minute he was standing upright owning the world, the next he was flat on his face the roar of laughter bruising his tender self-image. If only the floor would open up and swallow him. What woman wanted a man who couldn’t even enter a room without making an ass of himself? He was losing all will to live when he felt soft fingers on his arm and heard the rustle of silk skirts at his side.
“My Lord?” Hearing Penny’s voice he groaned in relief as he automatically turned over onto his back so he could see his would be nurse.
“Penny…”
“Your nose is bleeding.”
“Devil take it…he tried to take a handkerchief out of his bulging pocket and managed to pull out the lot causing the room to ring with laughter as someone shouted out, that it was better than a play. “…my letters? They weren’t too…forward?”
“Letters? What letters?”
James felt panic vie with anger for supremacy. “Doodle assured me that he delivered them. I’ve been sick…”
“Yes, you look awful.”
James’s bruised self-image reeled at the blow. She thought he looked awful? “I’m still sick…” He held his breath as she lightly pressed the back of her hand to his forehead. “…Oh Penny…” Her touch seemed to penetrate his skin and soothe his heart.
“You’re burning up; you should have stayed in bed.”
“I had to see you…you must have received at least one of my letters.”
“No.” She leaned over him and lowered her voice to a whisper…but Doodle has been coming every day which I thought very odd as he loathes Cousin Sophia and never looks at me. He’s been sitting by The Duke of Strathmore…I’ve seen him handing letters to Strathmore.”
“The Devil he has…I’m going to kill him. I paid him to deliver my letters.”
“Never mind Doodle, I’m wearing your necklace…” James smiled as his eyes focused on the silver locket dangling from a silver chain. In his letter with the necklace he’d begged her to wear his offering if she felt disposed to marry him.
“My necklace…I didn’t think your beautiful throat could appear more beautiful. Did you like the Elizabethan penny inside? I picked it out especially…”
“It’s my new good luck charm.”
James groaned with pleasure. “Oh Penny…if you knew what those words mean to me. I feel like I could…” He sneezed into his sleeve. “…conquer the world.”
“You’re going back to bed to conquer this fever…how long have you had it?”
“Didn’t Doodle, tell you I was sick?”
“He hasn’t said a word, the louse.”
“The day you went for a ride with Strathmore. I tried to follow on my horse, but I couldn’t find you. I got wet.”
“Promise me you’ll go back to bed.”
“As you wish my Lady, but there’s something I need to tell you…” James’s heart nearly burst as the Duke of Strathmore’s sneer came into view cutting off his declaration of love.
“Ah, Lord Pinhead…” He paused to allow the room to snicker with laughter. “…you look a dog’s dinner. Shall I help you up or do you prefer lying on the floor? Are you hoping someone will fall on you and be poked?” The room roared with laughter as hushed wagers were made as to which man Miss Elizabeth would choose. “If you were attempting a romantic pose I’m afraid you look merely tragic…or do I mean prostrate?”
“Go to the devil.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch that Pinhead. It must be the rug absorbing your muttered prayers.”
“I said go to the…Atchooooooo.”
James felt like a bug about to be stepped on as Strathmore elegantly took out a handkerchief and covered his face before bending down. “Bringing illness into a house with children brings bad luck. Miss Penny won’t think you a hero when Lady Sophia’s babes die of fever. There’s a long chance she’ll marry you anyway, but I think it more likely she’ll snub your boring thorough kisses for a more thoughtful man.”
James sighed in relief as his Penny eyed Strathmore with ill-disguised loathing as the room erupted with excited wagers. “Baiting a sick man is hardly thoughtful.”
“Come my dear, you must admit that Lord Pinhead looks droll lying there with blood and snot all over his cravat. I
expect him to sit up any moment and perform a monologue on how he once counted out Six-hundred and seventy-two bricks in a neighbour’s wall and couldn’t sleep until the man accepted an offering of three hundred and twenty-eight extra bricks. The man’s wall is now an unsightly mess, but at least Pinhead can rest in peace knowing they add up to a thousand. If you don’t think that’s absurd I could recount stories told me by his Mistress that would alienate even the most sensible of sweethearts, though of course I wouldn’t willingly sully your ears.”
“No of course you wouldn’t Your Grace; you’re far too kind and loving to contemplate such an offence.” The room instantly hushed as three dozen cod-eyes ogled the theatrics in the center of the room; the lady’s tone implied quite the opposite.
“My dear Elizabeth, you’re going to spoil my hard won reputation as a misanthrope. Whatever will I tell my friends?”
“What friends?” The laughter in the room wilted in shock. Even James’s mouth gaped in horror as he looked back and forth between his beloved and the cold eyed Duke.”
“Madam, one does not have to see the end of the rainbow to know the rainbow has an end. One day I’ll introduce you to my friends. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. None of them resemble toads and a few even know how to read and write.” The room erupted in enthusiastic clapping.
The room took no notice of the footman who delivered a note to Lady Sophia, fuming at being forgotten in her own drawing room. The footman waited next to her chair while she broke the wax seal on the letter. Her scowl faded as she snorted in amusement, her eyes shining with unholy glee. She passed the note back to the footman and nodded that the caller be admitted. “Lord Devonshire…” Three dozen heads swung in her direction. “…how could you think to inflict sickness on my drawing room? How insupportably dull. Take yourself away. My Lord Llewellyn would never forgive you if his precious heir caught your infirmity and was buried before his fourth birthday.”
James sighed with relief as Penny returned her full attention to him leaving the Duke without a foil. “It feels like forever since I saw you; I don’t want to go.”
“You need your bed my Lord. You shouldn’t have left it. Return when you’re feeling better…won’t you?”
“Wellington couldn’t stop me…Penny…I need to tell you that I…”
James’s next words were drowned out by Lady Sophia’s greeting to the strange looking man standing in the door way. “Welcome Captain Foster; I believe you’re acquainted with my cousin?”
“Prissy Morgan; what are you wearing on your pretty head? I’ve never seen such a hideous cap…wait, didn’t your Mother used to wear that old thing?”
James watched Penny’s head slowly turn towards the door. “Benjamin?” She stared at the man sporting an eye patch and two gold earrings for several long seconds before her eyes rolled back as she fainted, falling forward knocking the wind from James’s lungs. Once he could breathe he was submerged in the pleasure of holding her close. He could smell heaven as his heart rumbled another Hallelujah Chorus. She was wearing his necklace. She was as good as his. Still lying on his back, James clutched Penny as the stranger’s face appeared above him. “I thought she might faint. Here, I’ll take her.”
James snarled into a single blue eye set in a face well leathered by sun and sea. “I’ve got her. She’s perfectly safe where she is.”
“Give me the Lady.” Mr Foster’s tone had an edge that promised grave bodily harm. “If her fiancé can’t pick her up off the floor, who can?” Lady Sophia appeared to be the only person who didn’t find this piece of news astonishing.
James’s head rung like a cracked bell. “Fiancé? Why the devil would she marry you? You look like a stupid pirate.”
Captain Foster snickered in amusement as he struck a theatrical pose. “Aye matey…give me yer purse and I’ll kill ye quick before I feed ye to the fish.” He clapped his hands and laughed at his own performance causing the room to follow suit. Lady Sophia’s drawing room was turning out to be the best playhouse in town. Loud excited whispers sailed across the room as wagers were made as to who would end up chained to the old maid with two thousand pounds annuity.
James sneered up at the smiling pirate. “Your face could be used as book binding, you appear to have one eye and your suit looks like it was stitched together by a drunk. The only thing missing is a parrot pooping on your shoulder. Why the devil would she want to marry you?”
“We can’t all afford to pay snooty man milliners to prod us about in sensitive places, Pretty Man. Give me my bride or I’ll show you how a seasoned seaman deals with unwanted competition for his sweetheart’s affections.” James grunted in pain as the seaman’s boot crushed his ankle. The man swooped down and easily tore Penny from his weak grasp before throwing her limp body over his shoulder and carrying her from the room like a sack of corn.
James was trying not to cry when the Duke’s leaned into view. “Who the devil is Benjamin?”
“How the devil should I…wait…the seaman she fell in love with…the one who died… Blast! Why couldn’t he come back from the grave after she’d married me?”
“Your luck appears to have run out Pinhead. You’d best go back to bed Boy. Leave rescuing the maiden in distress to a man who can stand on his own two feet.” The Duke elegantly bowed to the room and left the stage to a burst of applause.
In contrast, the room echoed with laughter as James crawled towards the door on his hands and knees. Someone was going to die, and it would probably be him. He could feel his ankle swelling as he mentally cursed the ugly pirate-seaman to a watery grave. James needed a cunning plan…he’d recently inherited a small midge infested estate in Scotland that he didn’t really want. He’d offer it to the ugly Benjamin in exchange for faking his death a second time. He clearly hadn’t drowned or spent many hours in civilized company. Penny might have once been in love with the rogue, but James couldn’t believe Penny would marry Robinson Crusoe. She was wearing his necklace. She’d as good as promised to marry him. Just because some smelly bore had been washed up on England’s shore didn’t mean she was going to forget James’s kisses…unless she preferred the pirate’s kisses. The thought made his ankle throb in time with his head.
On reaching home, James sent for Doodle to explain himself. He wasn’t surprised when the servant returned to report his friend had left town in a hurry. He fell into bed fully dressed knowing his love letters had been sold to Strathmore. It was a thoroughly unthorough situation that demanded resolution. Why had luck turned against him? Where was the happy side of the coin? Was this was it felt like to be doomed?
Chapter 12
Elizabeth came to her senses overpowered by the scent of ammonia. She turned her head away from the smell and opened her eyes to find the horribly familiar yet unfamiliar face of her dead fiancé. Her eyes started to roll back into head, but the smell of ammonia was cruelly pressed against her nostrils. She slapped the ammonia away and sat up on her bed and rubbed her aching neck. She felt like she’d been hung upside down like a side of beef. “Where have you been?”
“You’re supposed to say, ‘Benjamin…you’re alive!’ and start weeping for joy.”
“You can’t be alive. I received an official letter from the Admiralty detailing your death. They pulled your body out of the water, sewed you into your hammock with a cannon ball and dropped you back into the sea. I find it difficult to swallow that your captain imagined your funeral.”
“It was thoughtful of them to put your mind at rest, but the truth was we ran into some trouble. I was kidnapped and taken for ransom by pirates. Captain Rollicks refused to pay. My hosts were about to make me walk the plank when providence arrived in the shape of a merchant ship. The captain decided my execution would wait ‘till after the ransacking. Fortunately the captain died of battle wounds and I survived and voila…here I am.”
“You always did enjoy a good story.”
“Where’s your heart Elizabeth? I’ve come back from the dead. I’ve thou
ght about you on occasion and wondered what life would have been like if I’d been able to make it home to marry you, but alas…”
“Yes, alas my dowry was only an annuity of five hundred pounds until my parents’ death. I heard you; that day you demanded my father give me a better settlement because you refused to be live under another man’s roof. Papa always said you just wanted me for my inheritance. He said you spent time in the hedgerow with that buxom wench Mary Peel, but I didn’t believe him. I understand she disappeared the day I got your letter…I don’t suppose that was a coincidence?”
“How should I know? I don’t keep a file on every woman I’ve tumbled. The paper would fill up a ship.”
