by CP Smith
I glanced over at my galley kitchen and sighed. Dishes were stacked high, and my mail was piled all over the cream-colored Formica countertops. “I load the dishwasher once a week.”
I turned and made my way to my bedroom, stepping over clothes as I went. “I also do my laundry on the same day,” I mumbled by way of explanation. The only room in my apartment I kept tidy on a daily basis was my living room-slash-library. I couldn’t enjoy reading if I were surrounded by chaos, and my books deserved to be handled with care.
I took a quick shower then scanned my closet for something to wear. I pondered if I should try for something prettier and sexier than my normal shorts and jeans. Nate was interested in me already, so did that mean I could be myself, or did I have to pretend to be something I wasn’t? Did I have to keep my makeup perfect at all times and wear annoying dresses to appear more feminine? Dating was hard work. There were so many rules to consider.
“Help! Do I wear somethin’ that shows off my figure?” I called out. “We need a ‘what to wear during courtship’ in our handbook.”
“Have you worn clothes that show off your figure since you’ve met him?” Sienna asked.
I considered that. “Other than the night we were supposed to go speed datin’? Then no.”
“Then he likes you just the way you are,” Cali informed, digging through my closet. “Plus, we already agreed to not be anything but ourselves after the whole speed datin’ debacle.”
“True,” Sienna agreed. “But I seem to remember that night worked out well for you.”
I snorted. Devin had caught up with Cali in her ‘dress to seduce’ outfit and practically mauled her against her front door.
Cali’s eyes grew heavy with the memory. “It did,” she whispered, then shook herself out of it, “but I haven’t dressed like that since, and it doesn’t stop him from pinnin’ me to the wall on a daily basis.”
I smiled. “Well, that’s a relief. Wearin’ makeup all the time is hard work, and I’d rather be comfortable than sexy any day.”
Cali nodded. “Bernice says we should hold back wearin’ sexy clothes and heavy makeup, other than a bit of mascara and lip gloss, and save it for the more important moments.”
I pulled a Beatles T-shirt out of my stash and paired it with faded cutoffs and flip-flops. “Important like a date night out or weddings?”
Her lips curled into a smirk. “Important like you spent too much money at the mall or put a dent in the car. She says times like that you pull out the big guns, so they’re more focused on you than the credit card balance.”
I stopped pulling the T-shirt over my head and stared at Cali. “She’s like an evil genius or somethin’, isn’t she?”
“I’m thinkin’ my grandmother was the evil genius, and Bernice and Eunice just took notes.”
“She needs to write this down for future generations. We could have a whole section in our handbook on dos and don’ts where men are concerned.”
Once I had my clothes on, I ran into my bathroom and slathered on moisturizer, mascara, and lip gloss. My hair was thick and naturally bone straight, so I didn’t have to do anything to it but let it dry naturally. Even my bangs would behave, as long as I combed them into place before they dried. I’d always wondered if I got my hair from my mother or my father. Shirley’s hair was dark brown, but it wasn’t straight like mine, so I’d assumed I got it from dear old dad. Now I knew I hadn’t since he was blond. The burning questions I had about the woman who gave birth to me just multiplied.
“Do you think I look like her?” I asked Cali and Sienna. “My birth mother, I mean.” They were standing outside the bathroom door watching me.
“I see a resemblance to Shirley, so I’d guess so,” Sienna answered. “But your smile is all Knox.”
I blinked and looked over my shoulder. “I don’t have his smile, you do.”
Sienna nodded. “It lights up your whole face just like his does.”
Caught off guard, I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t smile. I brood.”
“You smile when you think no one is lookin’,” Cali snickered.
Well, I never. And they called themselves my friends.
I ignored their insult and headed for my purse, my flip-flops flipping and flopping as I went. “Let’s go. I’m hungry and my man has a restaurant-slash-bar with an awesome selection of food.”
They followed in my wake, the sound of their own flip-flops joining in with mine. I looked out the window to the street below, to make sure the coast was clear, before exiting and caught a glimpse of red in the parking lot across the street.
Was that Natalie?
“Bogey at ten o’clock,” I mumbled at the girls, as I threw open the door. They both turned their heads once we exited and scanned the area.
“I don’t see anyone,” Sienna said, still searching.
“You don’t see a woman dressed in red across the street by the liquor store?”
They both shook their heads.
I searched as well and couldn’t find her. “Maybe I’m seein’ things.”
“It has been an emotional twenty-four hours,” Sienna said.
I looked back at her as I locked my door. “For all three of us,” I reminded her. “You found out about Knox, and we all battled to save Rachel Scott while dealin’ with the press.”
“True,” Cali agreed as we descended the stairs, heading toward my car. “But more so for you what with your mother, your father, and your past bein’ brought back up.”
I froze in mid-step, causing both women to come up short. “My past?” Dread crept in and I had to take a deep breath to keep from dumping a load of adrenaline the size of Georgia.
Did Sienna mention the dragon?
“Well, yeah, findin’ out you’re the granddaughter of a notorious biker who happened to be your mother’s killer.”
I breathed through her explanation, but it didn’t stop the hormones from circulating through my veins like heroin. My heart started pumping a mile a minute and my hands began to shake with the excess adrenaline. Reactions like this always managed to piss me off. They made me feel weak, like the dragon still had control. I’d decided just a short time ago that I was tired of being scared all the time. That I wanted to move past my childhood. Nate was right, I had to confess everything to the two women who would always be there for me. Sooner rather than later.
It was time to stop running. Time to take back control.
I stayed planted on the steps, working up the courage it would take to reveal my deepest secret, so I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder.
“Poppy?” Sienna whispered. “You okay?”
I swallowed hard to get past the knot of dread in my throat, then shook my head. “I need to tell you somethin’.” I couldn’t look at them for fear of spilling my secrets in a rush to get it over with.
“Then we’ll head to Frock You and the courtyard,” Cali decided, taking charge like always when I needed her most. “I’ll have Bernice whip up a batch of mojitos and nachos.”
“Perfect,” Sienna agreed, then took the keys from my hand and started down the stairs. Cali grabbed my hand and took a step down. When I didn’t move, she looked back at me.
“I’m scared,” I admitted. I’d buried my past so deep, the thought of opening that door kept me frozen in place.
“Poppy, do you know why we’re called Wallflowers?” she asked, cocking her head to one side, studying me with those shrewd lavender eyes.
I lifted mine to Cali’s and stared back at her. “I know what it means to me.” I knew why we’d originally called ourselves the Wallflowers. We each had a love for historical romance, and like the Wallflowers of the past, we’d also sat on the sidelines watching life pass us by. But the meaning had changed somewhere in the middle and became more of a motto for our life than just a title.
“We’re called Wallflowers because they’re determined. They fight against nature and grow even when the odds say they won’t. They burrow under solid concrete, break
through brittle bricks to free themselves from the confines of their past. They seek the light. The freedom to be who they were meant to be: wild and free,” she explained with passion. “That’s why we’re called the Wallflowers. We won’t let anything restrict us. We curl around what we want out of life and hang on tight to our convictions. To who and what we love. And just like those beautiful flowers that reach beyond the confines life throws at them, there lies a heart of a fighter in each one of us. One who holds on with everything she has for the right to be exactly what she is: unique in a garden of ordinary.”
I gripped her hand tightly and felt tears well unshed. I wanted to be what she described, and I knew to do that I had to be brave for once in my life. “Okay. I’ll try to do that.”
Cali’s smile widened. “You’ve been doin’ it since the day we met. The only one who doesn’t seem to know that is you.”
I blinked, and the traitorous tears fell.
Her face softened, but graciously she ignored the tears I brushed away. Tugging my hand to get me moving, Cali started down and I let her drag me, taking one step, then another one. Before I knew it, I was settling inside my car and Sienna was pulling out.
“Text Nate and let him know we’ll be at the bar for a late dinner,” Sienna instructed.
I pulled out my phone on autopilot and texted Nate, filling him in on my decision to expose my past to the Wallflowers right then. His reply was immediate.
Nate: If you need me, say the word and I’m there.
I needed him more than he knew, but I wanted to live up to the name I’d been given by the women in my car.
Me: Thank you, but I have to learn to be strong on my own.
I started to put my phone away when it vibrated again.
Nate: If you were any stronger, Kitten, I’d have to handcuff you to my bed to keep you out of trouble.
The thought of being handcuffed to his bed sent a rush of warmth to my stomach that trickled down to my private girl parts. Another first. No man had ever made me sexually aware like Nate had. I peeked at Sienna to see if she was watching me then responded.
Me: Is that a threat or a promise?
He didn’t text back for almost a minute, but when he did, my breath caught.
Nate: I can promise you won’t feel threatened when I cuff you to my bed and taste every inch of you.
Me: All righty then.
Nate: Kitten?
Me: What?
Nate: Never thought I’d have someone like you in my life. I’ll wait as long as it takes.
Oh, my God.
“I’m not good enough for Nate,” I cried out, staring at his messages. After everything he’d lived through with his father, he shouldn’t have to put up with a woman who was damaged too.
“I thought we just settled this at the mall?” Cali sighed. “You’re done runnin’ from him.”
I looked back at her. “I didn’t say I was runnin’ from him, I said I wasn’t good enough. I don’t deserve a man like Nate, but I’m sure as heck gonna take him and pray he never notices he got the short end of the stick.”
Sienna’s lips twitched. “So you’re sayin’ you’re selfish?”
“Abso-flippin’-lutely. I’m the most selfish woman on the planet.”
“Must be a Wallflower trait then, because I’m not good enough for Devin,” Cali chuckled. “And I don’t care if I’m lackin’. He’s all mine and I’m not given him back.”
“Word,” Sienna giggled, pulling in next to Frock You, the vintage clothing store Bernice and Eunice had owned since Cali was a little girl. “Bo doesn’t deserve the headaches I give him daily, but I’m not lettin’ him go for all the books in a library.”
“Wow. I might have to think twice if it were a library full of romance novels,” I teased.
“You won’t once you sleep with him,” Sienna sighed dreamily. “It was everything I dreamt it would be and a whole lot more.”
I held up my hands in defense to stop any more information from crossing their lips. “Stop. Your men are like brothers to me, I don’t want to know anything about their sexual prowess.”
“Prowess is a good word,” Cali mumbled.
I glared at her. “If Nate and I ever you know what, I’m gonna record it and force you to watch. Then maybe you’ll understand what you two have put me through these last two weeks. I’ve heard enough about your supermen.”
I climbed out of the passenger side of my car and scanned River Street. Tourists were flooding the street looking for souvenirs to commemorate their trip to Savannah. “If you ever you know what?” Sienna asked confused. “I was just jokin’ for cryin’ out loud. I thought you had already. I mean, he claimed you in front of hundreds of news cameras, and you were alone for more than an hour before we showed up at the bar.”
“So?”
She turned to Cali. “That makes no sense. Have you been thoroughly tumbled today?”
“Um,” she scanned the parking lot making sure no one could hear her, “does the shower count?”
Sienna nodded in quick jerks. “Totally.”
“Then yes.”
“Is there a point to this?” I sighed.
“Is there a point? Bo had me on my back two seconds after walkin’ through my apartment door and Devin had Cali in the shower quicker than you can say, ‘Bless your heart,’ to a Northerner. You’ve spent several hours alone with Nate, ensconced in a bedroom at the cottage, and more than an hour alone with him after we left the station. Nate’s a man’s man like Devin and Bo. I don’t see him wastin’ time claimin’ you unless you’re holdin’ up a hand. So somethin’ is goin’ on. Were you fibbin’ when you said you lost your virginity to Blake?”
Explaining why Nate and I hadn’t consummated our relationship required confessing about my past. This caused adrenaline to dump through my nervous system, so I turned and started walking quickly to the gate that led into the courtyard behind Frock You. Jumping jacks helped when I felt an attack coming on, but so did brisk walking, ice, deep slow breathing, and occasionally showers. Unfortunately, the distance from the parking lot to the courtyard didn’t burn enough to make a difference, so I started doing jumping jacks the second I cleared the gate. With the stress of the past day, and what I was about to share about my past, the adrenaline dump was bigger than most I experienced, so I increased the speed of my arms and legs.
“What are you doin’?” Cali asked.
“Burnin’ off adrenaline.”
Both women blinked.
“Why?” Sienna questioned, her expression wary.
“I never told you this before, and normally I can keep it hidden because it makes me feel weak, but I suffer from anxiety. Sometimes when I’m stressed, I have adrenaline dumps. If I don’t burn it off, my heart races too fast and it’ll turn into a full-blown panic attack, which you saw yesterday at my aunt’s. And I hate those.”
Sienna’s face softened in understanding and started doing jumping jacks right along with me like the nut she was. Cali looked between us then dropped her purse and started jumping as well.
“You’re both nuttier than a porta-potty at a peanut festival,” I laughed, feeling somewhat more relaxed than I had a minute before.
“So you’re doin’ jumpin’ jacks because you’re stressed about tellin’ us somethin’?” Sienna panted.
“Yeah. About my past and why Nate and I haven’t had you know what.” I looked at Cali and grinned. One of these days I’d get her to say the word sex if it killed me. She rolled her eyes.
Sienna watched me for a second without commenting—which had to be hard since I could barely keep track of her face what with all the bobbing up and down we were doing—then asked, “Is this about the creepy old guys you told us about? The dragon in the dark you’re glad I wasn’t there to meet?”
Hearing his name, my arms started flailing and fluttering in a faster tempo. Cali stopped and looked between us, then turned shrewd eyes on me. I could tell she was analyzing me; reading the emotions oozing from my
pores as the adrenaline spiked. After a moment of reflection that mirrored Bernice, she snorted.
“I thought we were doin’ jumpin’ jacks?” Cali asked.
“That’s what I’m doin’.”
She shook her head. “You know how Elaine from Seinfeld dances . . . think again.”
Thoughts of the dragon disappeared instantly, replaced by the image of Elaine, Jerry Seinfeld’s sidekick, jerking awkwardly as she tried to dance. I stopped jumping to defend my athletic prowess. “I am so not Elaine.”
Sienna ignored our byplay, clearly impatient for me to continue. “So, the dragons?” she pushed again. “They were the creepy old guys, right?”
I was too caught up in the fact Cali thought I jumped like Elaine that I answered her without thought. “Yeah. But only one dragon,” I said, then turned on Cali with attitude. “I have more coordination than Elaine. I could outjump her any day of the week.”
Cali’s face paled when I turned back to her and she started jumping right along with Sienna, ignoring my defense. It hit me then that she’d been antagonizing me on purpose, trying to distract me from the panic I was feeling. And it had worked.
“The dragon in the dark was real?” she asked astonished.
The shadowed face he’d kept hidden, more monster than man, jumped to the forefront of my mind and I began jumping right along with them to push the image out of my head. “He was real . . . and I don’t jump like Elaine dances,” I answered indignantly, trying to distract Cali like she’d done for me.
Sienna stopped jumping to catch her breath and watched me. The time had come. There was no going back to that scared child who hid in the dark.
“He touched you, didn’t he?” Her words were guttural. “That’s why you said you were glad I wasn’t in the dark with you. I thought”—she looked away and I saw her shake off a sob—“I thought he hit you or somethin’. But it was worse, wasn’t it?”
My muscles locked tight with her question. I kept jumping to shake off the remaining fear, then swallowed the knot in my throat, pushing it deep until I had control. It was time to set the dragon free.
