by Unknown
I pull back smiling. “I’m happy, too. It’s great to see you, Mia.”
She makes a motion with her arm. “Come on in. Michelle is still getting ready.” She leans into me, whispering, “She’s changed her clothes three times. She’s driving me crazy. So wants to make a good impression on our—and I quote—‘first girls’ day out with my future daughter-in-law.’”
I grimace. Oh shit, Neil, why did you tell your mother you asked me to marry you? Fudge.
Mia reads my face without effort and grimaces in sympathy. “I shouldn’t have said that, should I? Now I’ve made everything all awkward and shit. I’m sorry, Chrissie. We tell each other everything. It’s just the way large families are, and Neil couldn’t have asked you to marry him without finding out if Michelle approved. They’re really tight. And we know you said no. But Michelle is an eternal optimist.”
By the time her rambling chatter finishes I want to drop through the floor. Jeez, this is awful. Lunch is going to be a nightmare.
Mia crinkles her nostrils. “That didn’t help, did it?”
I laugh. “No.”
She gives me a one-arm, wraparound hug. “Don’t worry. It will all be fine. Lunch will be fine. Let me go get Aunt Michelle.”
I watch Mia disappear down the hall and I sink to sit on a sofa. My leg starts jiggling and I try to will it to stop, but I can’t.
A few minutes later, Mia returns with Michelle, and the way Neil’s mother smiles at me puts my unease instantly at rest. There is nothing but welcome on her face. If she resents me turning down her son’s proposal it doesn’t show, and the way she smiles is so like Neil’s I feel a little twinge of missing him again. He doesn’t look like his mother—she is blond-haired and brown-eyed—but their smiles are the same.
I stand up before they reach the sofa.
“I’m so glad you wanted to do this, dear,” she says, leaning in to hug me. She stops and hold up one hand. “It is OK that I hug you, isn’t it? Or would it be weird? I never know what’s correct nowadays.”
I laugh, wondering how I could have ever thought Michelle would make today awkward for me. “Of course. If you don’t hug me you’ll hurt my feelings and make me think you don’t like me.”
“Then I better hug you quickly, because I adore you, Chrissie.”
She gives me a breezy embrace, but steps back from me quickly. She looks around the living room.
“I think we’re ready to go,” she announces dramatically, and I stifle a laugh.
We go out the front door and pile into my car.
I put the key into the ignition. “Where does everyone want to go?”
Michelle turns slightly toward me from the passenger seat. “Well, it’s your birthday. This lunch is sort of your day. You should pick where we go, Chrissie.”
I smile. “Michelle, my birthday isn’t until tomorrow.”
She smiles back. “But I won’t see you tomorrow so today is your birthday for me.”
My cheeks warm. The way she says that makes me feel really good, special. “OK. I know just the place.”
Two hours later we’re sitting on the upstairs patio of a restaurant on the pier. It’s a brilliantly sunny day, and there are people everywhere, walking on the beach and along the waterfront.
I curl in my chair, my flip-flops discarded under the table, my heals balancing on the edge of the seat with my legs bent in front of me, listening to Mia and Michelle’s endless chatting. The Stantons sure can talk a lot.
I smile and take a sip of my wine. I haven’t been to this restaurant since I came here with Neil on our first date-date. It didn’t occur to me until the hostess directed us to a table that the last time I was here was with Neil.
God, how awkward that was. We hardly spoke to each other. But the night definitely ended amazingly. The memories warm my cheeks and send emotion pulsing through me.
Michelle shifts her gaze to me. “What are you thinking about, dear? You look lost in your thoughts.”
I shake my head, blushing and embarrassed. “Nothing.”
Mia crinkles her nose. “She’s thinking about Neil.”
The color darkens on my cheeks and Michelle laughs. “They drive us crazy when they are around, but the second we’re without them they are all we think about. So not fair. Men don’t think about anything.”
We all laugh.
Michelle straightens in her chair. “I almost forgot. I have a present for you for your birthday. Is it OK if I give it to you now since I won’t see you tomorrow?”
“You didn’t have to get me anything, Michelle.”
“Of course I got you something. You’re important to Neil. That makes you important to all of us. I couldn’t not get you a birthday present. You’re part of the family.”
“Why don’t you come tomorrow, Michelle? Bring Robert and the girls, and give me my present then. It’s just going to be my dad and me barbecuing on the patio.”
Her eyes grow huge. “No. I wouldn’t know what to say. What to do.”
I stare at her, confused, but Mia starts laughing uproariously. “Jeez, Michelle, he’s just Chrissie’s dad.”
Michelle blushes and Mia shakes her head.
“Michelle has the worst kind of crush on Jack, Chrissie,” Mia explains, trying to contain her laughter and doing a terrible job of it.
“Stop it,” Michelle warns, but she’s blushing and smiling. She looks at me. “Your dad is incredible.” The color on her cheeks darkens. “I saw him on the beach once and almost fainted. He’s just so freaking gorgeous. He is so hot.”
Mia and I look at each other and we both go yuck.
“Too much information, Michelle. I don’t think Chrissie appreciates hearing how hot her dad is.”
Michelle’s blush darkens. “Anyway. No, I’m not going to horn in on your birthday and I’d rather give you your gift today.”
She reaches into her tote and lays a box on the table. A slight hint of worry appears on her pretty face.
“You are probably going to think this is lame. I didn’t know what to buy you. What you’d like. What you would need. So I made this for you, Chrissie.”
She sets a beautifully wrapped box on my side of the table. I stare at her, feeling my eyes mist.
“I would never think anything you gave me is lame,” I assure her firmly. “I’m blown away that you made me something.”
She sighs. “I figured with being on the road with Neil, you wouldn’t have time to do something like this. My daughters seem to really like having them, so I thought you might want one.”
I’m touched beyond words, and more than a little curious. I open the card and am blown away again. The entire family signed it and penned a little note. I start to laugh. Neil’s dad signed his name Officer Robert. By the time I’ve finished reading it all my cheeks hurt from smiling.
I tuck the card neatly back into the envelope. Beneath Michelle’s alert and anxious stare I carefully unwrap the present. I pull back the tissue and my eyes widen.
I finger the cover. “You made me a scrapbook.”
Michelle nods, scooting her chair over close to me. “I started saving pictures from the newspapers the first day, and I thought you might like them. A little keepsake of your time traveling with Neil. Life goes by fast. It’s good to have things to remember it by.”
I lift it from the box, and it feels heavy, filled. We don’t look at the papers, ever, and I haven’t a clue what’s in here. But Michelle and Mia look excited, so I open the cover.
Oh my God. The first picture is Neil and me in the exit tunnel when he didn’t want to go out on stage. I’m sitting between his legs, smiling at him, and he’s hidden beneath all that hair. Jeez, I didn’t even realize someone had caught a picture of us. That there had been press anywhere near.
I start turning pages. Me and Neil on stage together during a sound check. Me and Neil arriving at an arena for a performance. Me and Neil holding each other. It goes on and on.
Jeez, Nate wasn’t messing with me.
Chrissie tabloid frenzy. Famous for being famous. The photos. The captions. The tabloids like to create sensational romance to splatter in print, and they have definitely done that with us. No wonder Josh hates me. Some of it borders on ridiculous.
All this was going on around me and I never knew it. Moments of my life caught and barely remembered. Then the flash of distress gives way as my heart starts to melt. It is an overwhelming thing to see us in a picture. The way Neil looks at me. The way I look at him. I finger a photo. I didn’t know that this is the way my eyes look when I look at him. That this is the way we look at each other.
All my emotions run heatedly through my veins.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “I love it.”
“You guys look so happy together,” Michelle says, a touch emotionally. “Really beautiful. I never thought my son would ever love anyone the way he loves you.”
I nod.
Mia does a shudder. “Michelle, we are not getting all mushy here today. Please, you’re embarrassing Chrissie.”
I look up. “She’s not embarrassing me.” I shift my gaze to Michelle. “This is the nicest present anyone has ever given me.”
Michelle beams, pats my hand, and sits back. “Well, I just thought you might like something.”
I hold it against my chest. “I definitely like it, Michelle.”
~~~
I sit on a patio chaise watching the sunset with Jack.
Jack glances over at me. “Did you have a nice birthday, baby girl?”
“Wonderful, Daddy. It wouldn’t be a birthday without barbecuing with you on the patio.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t invite anyone over.”
I reach for my ice tea, hiding my smile behind my glass. Jack still doesn’t get it; I’m a loner like him.
“Nope, Daddy. You and me. That’s how we roll.”
He takes my hand. “I love you, Chrissie.”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
Jack sighs. “So why don’t you tell me what you’ve been thinking about all afternoon?”
Jeez, is it so obvious?
I scrunch up my face. “Would you be disappointed if I left Monday instead of staying the full two weeks?”
Jack laughs. “A little disappointed. But not surprised.”
I flush. “I love being home, but I’m kind of missing Neil.”
“Definitely not surprised.”
I stare out at the spreading shades of orange, pink and purple swirling in the sky above the Pacific.
“Did they have guidance counselors when you were in high school, Daddy?”
Jack shakes his head. “That was like a thousand years ago. I don’t remember. Why do you ask?”
“We had this one we had to see every month through our senior year to help us plan our future. Every time I went there, she asked me Chrissie, what do you plan to do with your life? It used to annoy the hell out of me.”
Jack rolls his eyes. “What did you say?”
“I don’t want to be anything. I want to meet a nice guy, get married, maybe have some kids. Just be and be happy.”
“That sounds like a plan to me.”
I make a face. “Mrs. Lowell didn’t think so. She said that wasn’t a plan. She made me feel like a slacker. Like I was a loser for not wanting to be something more.”
“She’s wrong,” Jack says firmly. “I wished you told me this story back then. I would have spoken to her. We all figure out things in our own time. Our own pace. She shouldn’t have made you feel that way.”
I struggle to keep my emotions from surfacing. “It doesn’t matter. After I told her I didn’t want to be anything, she never called me to her office again.”
His eyes sharpen on my face. “What’s stirred this up, Chrissie? Why are you thinking about this?”
I shrug. “Nothing. It’s just I’m twenty-three years old today. Everyone I know is doing something. I’m not in school. I don’t have a job. I’m not trying to be anything and I still don’t have a plan for my life.”
“I’m fifty, baby girl, and I don’t have a plan either.”
He laughs and I give him a playful swat.
“That’s such crap, Daddy.”
Jack’s smile deepens. “No it’s not. I don’t worry about where I’ve been or where I’m going. I worry about where I am.”
Where I am? I’m sitting with my dad on the patio watching the sunset on my birthday. Nice, but not what I want.
“I’m going to leave Monday.”
Jack nods, doesn’t say a word, but I can see that he’s thinking about something serious. His expression tells me it’s the type of thing he will never share with me.
It’s such a distinct look on his face. An expression of wistfulness and other things. I wonder what he’s thinking of when he looks the way he does now.
The sky slowly darkens.
I yawn. “I think I’m going to go to bed, Daddy.”
Jack looks amused. “So early?”
“Yep.”
“You are less fun than I am,” Jack teases.
I give him a light kiss on the cheek. “That goes without saying.”
I grab my ice tea from the table and plod across the patio to the French doors. I step into the kitchen, startle and drop my glass to the floor.
White roses surrounded by dozens of red, in a vase tied with violet ribbon, sit on the center island. Alan sent me roses for my birthday.
Dammit, Maria, why didn’t you throw them away?
I tell myself not to, but I do it anyway. Shaking, I lift the card from the vase and open it. Not the words I expected. Not Happy Birthday. But two words all the same. Call me. And a phone number.
How did Alan even know I would be here?
I scoop up the flowers and toss them in the trash. Then I reach in and remove the card. I shouldn’t keep it. I should burn it. But I tuck it into my address book anyway.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I rush from the airport with my bag, go to the first taxi at the pick-up line, and climb in.
“The Omni Hotel, please,” I say.
I rummage through my purse for my mobile phone. I punch in Neil’s number and wait. Ring. Ring. Ring. Crap, voice mail.
“Why are you not answering?” I say with an aggravated growl. “Call me back. I’m in Indianapolis. I don’t know what room we’re in. If you want me, you had better tell me where, soon. Or I might go back to Santa Barbara. And for a guy who claimed to be really happy that I was coming back early, you are…”
Beep. Damn, cut off by voice mail.
I settle back against the seat and stare out the window at passing scenery. Jeez, who would have thought I’d be so excited about being in the Midwest? It’s kind of an interesting city. Really flat compared to California. Tall buildings even here in Indiana. Big freeways. Lots of people. Urban America looks the same everywhere. Urban yucky.
My phone rings and I smile. I flip it open and put it against my ear.
“You are in such freaking trouble,” I say into the receiver. “You better have a good excuse for not calling me back earlier. That’s all I have to say.”
Silence. Shit, maybe Neil thinks I’m serious about being pissed.
“Don’t hang up the phone, Chrissie.”
The earth falls away beneath me and everything inside me goes numb. Alan. I say the first thought I can string together. “How did you get this number?”
“It wasn’t difficult. Vincent gave it to me.”
Fuck. Why did you do that, Delmo?
My head spins. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
I can hear him breathing through the receiver. Shit, why did that have to sound so little-girl pathetic? Fuck, Chrissie. Pull yourself together.
“I know you don’t want to talk to me. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either, love. But don’t hang up. It doesn’t matter what happened between us. I will always care about you, Chrissie. I didn’t want to make this call, any more than you wanted me to, but we need to talk some things out, love. P
lease, don’t hang up.”
We need to talk some things out?
Every muscle in my body shakes from panic. Oh God, it can’t be about that. How could Alan possibly know about April? Only three people on this earth know. Me. Neil. And Jack.
My trembling fingers tighten around the phone. “I have nothing to say to you. There is nothing you could say at this point I would want to hear.”
“Please. Five minutes, Chrissie, and I’ll never bother you again. You have my word.”
My face scrunches up as I battle to fight back my tears. Never bother you again. I feel my heart still because for a foolish half-second I thought Alan called to beg me to take him back and to tell me he still loves me.
“I sent you a letter. Did you read it?” he asks, his voice strangely intense, serious.
“No.” I gather every scrap of my shredded composure and make myself do what I should have done when I first heard his voice. “I didn’t read it. I don’t want to talk to you. There is nothing between us worth talking about. Don’t contact me again. Just leave me alone, Alan.”
I click off the phone and toss it away from me. Why did Alan have to call today? Since boarding the plane in Santa Barbara, everything has felt really good inside me, like I finally know where I am going in my life, and now nothing feels certain. Neil. The past. The present. Nothing.
Shit, why did he call me? Crap, why do I care? I stare at the phone. Don’t call him back, Chrissie. Whatever it is Alan wants, you are not interested.
I breathe in. Breathe out. Don’t think about Alan. Keep him in the lockbox where he belongs. Think about why you are in Indy. Why you wanted to return early. What you’ve been thinking about since you left Neil five days ago in Memphis.
Think of Neil. Nothing else. Think of Neil. What was it Jack said? I think about where I am. Not the past. Not the future. Well, Chrissie, you’re in Indianapolis. Think about why you are here.
A measure of calm has returned by the time the taxi pulls into the circular driveway in front of the hotel and a sharply dressed valet rushes forward to open my door. I take cash from the pocket in my purse to pay, and before I climb out of the car, my bag is sitting on the curb with an attendant in wait.
