Chugger’s comment popped in my mind. The List. The one he said I was better off not knowing about. “What’s the Torments List?”
She took out her phone and started tapping. She zoomed in, put in a password and handed it to me.
I’d never seen the website, but it was clearly for Madison. Our crest was on the banner with the title. Five discussion threads were available, each with someone’s name on it. I recognized Lindsay’s, and the sophomore girl who bashed Toby, but not the other three.
A suffocating pressure built in my chest with each comment I read. They were cruel and disgusting. Lily, the sophomore, had twenty comments about the chocolate milk plan. Date, time, what to say after it happened. How long to moo at her when she walked down the hall. All planned. All calculated viciousness that would hurt her for years.
I looked up, my throat so tight I couldn’t swallow. “How did you know about this?”
“I’ve known since we started high school.” Her face fell as if a judge declared her guilty. “You were on the Torments List for a long time. Up until you made the wrestling team.” She turned away. “They posted pictures of what happened to you.”
The pressure was now constricting my airway. I pushed a palm hard against my sternum to ease the gripping pain. All those years I’d suffered. All those nights I’d lay in bed and wondered why people hated me so much. All those times I hated myself. All because of a stupid list. Some teenage joke taken too far.
“Whose site is this?” I choked out the words, tried to push away the memories.
Her shoulders rose and fell. “No one knows. It’s been around forever. If you’re chosen, a password is texted to you from the site, anonymously. Anyone can post within the threads, but it’s a mystery who adds or deletes the names.”
I continued to read through the filth until Lindsay put her hand on my arm and squeezed. Her light touch and anxious eyes showed the sacrifice. I’d never seen her touch anyone but Blake. “I’m sorry, Cody. If I ever made you feel…like this.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered. But nothing felt okay. Everything felt like pounding misery. I handed back the phone. “I’m telling Principal Rayburn. He’d never let this continue.”
Her voice lowered, hushed and serious. “You can’t. It’s been turned in before. They simply take down the site, and then it pops up again on another domain with new passwords. The last guy who turned it in ended up withdrawing from school.” She shook her head. “It’s not worth it.”
“We have to do something.”
She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, defeat showing in the set of her shoulders. “What can we do? It’s the Internet.”
SKYLAR
I parked my Mustang in one of the three spots left in the school parking lot and tried to focus on the positives: Friday. Date night.
Because the negatives were piling up.
Daddy hadn’t come out of his room last night or this morning. Cody hadn’t sent me a text in two days or even talked to me with more than a few grunts. And Zoe was pushing me to go on another group date with Blake, her and Chugger.
I grabbed my backpack, did a quick makeup check and barely slid into my seat before the first period bell rang.
Ms. Yarnell gave me “the look” and defeat ripped through my shoulders.
Great.
I blew a piece hair out of my face and faced the three boys at my table.
The sight of Cody’s disheveled brown hair made my heart ache. The guy was strikingly handsome and didn’t even know it. A tight gray t-shirt pulled against his chest under an unzipped hoodie. His clothing choices were simple, a complete contrast to the complexity of his personality. Cody had become my obsession, my fascination and my misery all at the same time.
“Hey,” I said with a longing I couldn’t hide.
Cody studied some non-existent spot on the table. “Morning.”
His flat, aloof tone worsened my foul mood.
Blake scooted his chair closer to mine. “Blue is definitely your color. You sure I can’t talk you into coming with me tonight?” He, too, was beautiful, but the appeal ended there. And even with our new “friends” talk, I didn’t want to be alone with him.
“Nope. Fridays are off limits. Sorry.”
Ms. Yarnell began her lecture and our conversation ceased.
Blake’s hot breath brushed my neck. “Saturday, then?” he whispered.
His closeness made me want to cringe, and I wondered if he’d always been this annoying and why I didn’t see it before. “Maybe another weekend?”
His hand brushed mine. “I’m going to hold you to that.”
Great. As far as blow-off lines go, that was the most ineffective one ever.
When the lecture ended, Cody passed the discussion sheet to Blake. “Your turn.”
Blake slid the paper between us. “Why don’t you help me with this today since you struggled last time.”
Chugger snickered, but didn’t say anything.
I looked up at Cody, and the frustration and confusion I’d felt all morning crushed me further. If emptiness could be an expression, Cody had mastered the art.
“Do what you want,” he said, avoiding eye contact with me.
Heat inched up my neck and into my cheeks. He was dismissing me…again. And worse, he practically gave Blake a green light to move closer.
The minutes dragged on forever, but finally the bell rang. I bolted. Needing space. Needing my dad. Needing Cody to stop being so frustrating.
Zoe watched as I furiously shoved books into my locker. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.” My world has exploded and no one cares.
She flinched. “Okay, fine. Sorry I asked.” With a slam of her own locker, Zoe walked away.
Remorse seeped in. I was spewing my bad mood over everyone.
I ducked into a corner and pulled out my phone. My father’s voicemail answered.
“Hi, Daddy, I just wanted to say good morning. I missed seeing you. I hope you are feeling better. I’ll be home around four-thirty, and we can plan our night together. Nothing big. We can just lay around if that’s all you’re up for.” I let my hand fall to my side and refused to consider a life without him. He’d win. He had to.
The empty halls matched the hollowness in my heart, bringing tears past my dam of denial. I ran down the hall to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, and buried my head in my knees.
I kept it there until I could breathe.
*
I stood outside my father’s bedroom and knocked lightly. “Daddy? I’m home.”
A loud bang like something was dropped and hushed voices were the only response. I knocked again, harder this time. “Daddy, are you okay?” I checked the knob. Locked. I smacked the wood with both hands. “Daddy. Let me in! Let me in!” I screamed as panic clawed up my spine.
The door opened, and I stepped back. Aunt Josephine. She slowly closed the door behind her and stood there like a guard at Buckingham Palace. “Skylar, your father is very sick. He’s not going to be up for anything tonight.”
Adrenaline pumped though my bloodstream. I wanted to hurt her, which should have made me feel guilty, but didn’t. “You’re always doing this. You’re always trying to keep us apart.” I pushed forward, but she gripped my shoulders, halting me.
“I’m not doing this. The cancer is. And you have to accept that things will not be what they used to be.”
I detangled myself from her hold. “You don’t think I know that? My entire life is different! I just want to make sure he’s okay.” I was so angry her face faded out and then came back into focus. My breath was broken and loud like a bull released from its pen.
She must have noticed because for a moment, she hesitated. I thought she might move and let me see my father. But instead her voice turned firmer. “I’m sorry, Skylar, but he doesn’t want you to see him like this.”
I flexed my hands, then squeezed them, hiding the way they trembled. He wanted her. Not me. Trusted
her. Not me. And I knew my aunt well enough to know she’d fall dead before letting me pass. I darted back to my room and slammed the door. Throwing myself on the bed, I let all the rage come out, with loud, ugly sobs. Shoulders shaking, I curled into a ball. I tried to pray, tried to understand the cruelty of this test God was putting me through. I found no clarity. No relief.
Tears soon gave way to exhaustion, and I fell asleep only to be startled awake two hours later by a new text.
Cody: You okay? You seemed upset all day.
Me: I’m surprised you noticed, with ignoring me and all.
My snootiness should have made me feel better, but it didn’t. I set down the phone and walked into the bathroom to clean up. The skin around my eyes was red and puffy. The only mascara not smudged on my pillow was smeared across my face. I splashed cold water until my skin was clear and then returned to my phone. I was too tired to play games tonight.
Cody: I’m sorry. It wasn’t you. My head’s a mess right now.
Me: Yeah. Mine too.
Cody: Maybe this will help.
Seconds later, a new song appeared in our conversation. I played it, letting the electric guitar and powerful lyrics offer an escape.
Cody: Forgive me?
I wanted to stay mad at Cody, but I just didn’t have the energy for it, especially when he sent me songs that tore into my heart like a bulldozer. The air began to thin, the heavy burden getting lighter. I’d grown up around music. It was part of my culture, as essential as water. My father had instilled in me a love for the classics and a respect for any artist who could make a guitar sing. Then again, my father was considered one of the greatest guitar players in the world.
Me: Yes. But only because you know good music.
Cody: Years of isolation will do that to you.
Me: You? I doubt that.
Cody: So, what are you and your dad doing tonight?
Me: Change of plans. No date.
I didn’t say how much typing those words hurt. How betrayed I felt by my father’s unwillingness to let me be a part of his suffering.
Cody: I can stand in for your dad. Meet me at Veteran’s Park? It’s two blocks from school.
Me: I’ve seen it. I’m not in a great mood, though.
Cody: I’ll bring food…
A heartbeat of hope. A night alone with Cody. A chance to see the real him. To understand him. I already knew my answer.
Me: Are you trying to bribe me? Do you think I’m really that easily swayed?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Cody: They are seriously great burgers.
Me: Well, in that case, how can I refuse? But, no onions. I draw the line there.
Cody: Why? Expecting a good night kiss?
A parade of butterflies hit my stomach; my fingers froze over the keys.
Cody: j/k. See you in ten.
Me: ok.
The screen on my phone went dark.
I was really doing this.
I slipped on jeans and grabbed my favorite t-shirt from the closet. My hands twitched with nervous energy while I quickly touched-up my face.
The hall was silent now. Hollow.
My fist hovered at my father’s bedroom door. I wanted to knock, but my hand dropped along with my heart, and I settled for scribbling him a note in the kitchen.
Part of me knew I shouldn’t be leaving. Not only was it totally against his rules, but also what if Guardzilla went home and he needed me?
But something equally strong pulled me to the front door. To a possibility that in the midst of madness, normalcy did exist.
Glancing up toward his room one more time, I whispered, “I miss you, Daddy,” and shut the door behind me.
CODY
Meeting Skylar could threaten all my plans, but I didn’t care. I’d been obsessively watching the List, writing down login IDs and trying to pair them up with the actions they took at school. So far, I had ten confirmed names, but not any from the inner circle. I needed Blake to do something. But none of the comments or actions were his. Just those made by his stupid minions.
Skylar’s Mustang was already there when I pulled up to Veteran’s Park. It was dusk, but I still didn’t like her out there by herself. I parked my truck and jumped out with the sack of food, nearly dropping the bag when she stood from the picnic table. Her smile could have lit up the streets of New York.
A rush of heat fell over me. She looked great. Better than great. Gorgeous. The near-tears defeat she wore all day had disappeared, and a huge part of me hoped I had something to do with the change.
“Sorry I’m late. The burger joint took longer than usual.”
“No worries. It’s beautiful out here.” She sat back down and stretched out her legs. “Thanks for this. I needed it tonight.” Eyes closed, she tilted her face toward the sky. A soft breeze blew a few strands of hair around her cheeks.
My gaze moved lower. Her ripped jeans perfectly fit her hips, and a Skylar Wyld t-shirt molded her figure, yet it didn’t flaunt her body like some shirts other girls at school wore. She was sexy without trying, and it only added to the appeal.
She opened one eye. “Are you going to sit?”
“Oh. Yeah.” I wanted to slam a palm to my head. She’d just caught me checking her out. I cleared my throat. “Um. I like your shirt. I’ve never seen that style.”
She bit her lip, no doubt resisting the urge to laugh at my not so subtle ogling. “They didn’t release it to the public, only the band. My dad has about a million if you want one.”
“Sure. Thanks.” I offered her the burger, and an electric current passed when my hand grazed hers. Everything felt elevated tonight. We were alone. Just the two us, and I now had no idea what to say.
Skylar took dainty bites of her burger while silence covered us like a blanket.
“This is goo…” she said the same time I blurted, “Do you like…”
“I’m sorry. Go ahead.” I wanted to punch myself in the face for not having more game.
“Um, nothing. I was just going to say that these are good. I’ll mark them on my take-out list.”
Our eyes met and heat inched up my neck.
She giggled. “This is so awkward.”
“I told you I was shy.” I ran a hand through my hair.
“I thought you were kidding.”
I focused on the setting sun, silently cursing Fatty James for surfacing at the worst time. My phone vibrated in my pocket.
Skylar: Is this better?
Her back was to me.
“Very funny. Turn around.”
She did, her green eyes sparkling like jewels in moonlight. “Just checking. It seems the minute we’re face to face, you pull back. I won’t bite, I promise.” As if to kill the last ounce of self-control I had, she bit down into her food, keeping her eyes locked on mine. I’d never been so jealous of a cheeseburger in my life.
She wiped her mouth with a napkin. “Have you always been a fan of my father’s band? Or were your parents groupies?”
“My parents?” The idea was ludicrous. “No, they’re more the classical music type. Very serious, very intellectual.”
“Do you guys get along?”
“Yeah, they’re cool. They work too much, but they still try to attend my matches when they can.” It was hard to explain my relationship with my parents. Close, but still detached. “We’ve always kind of done our own thing, you know?”
“So, you’re an only child, too?”
“Yep. Just me.”
She wrapped up the rest of her burger and tossed it into the trash bin nearby. “Wanna swing?” She ran over to a swing set that looked one ride away from the metal graveyard.
“Um, sure.” I ate the last piece of my burger and followed. The chains screeched in protest when my large body dropped onto the faded strap of plastic next to her.
She pumped her feet, throwing her head back as she glided through the air. Long red hair flew in the breeze and almost touched her lower back. Two flip-flops suddenly went fl
ying. “I bet I can go higher than you,” she called out as her swing rushed past mine.
“No way. I’ve got least seventy pounds on you.” And those extra pounds could not seem to get moving on this thing.
“Which makes me lighter, like a bird.”
She made me feel like a bird. Light. Pressure-free. Invincible. I pumped my legs harder to keep up with her. Right when I’d stretched just a little further, she jumped and my stomach followed.
Skylar hit the ground with so much force, her body fell over from the momentum, tumbling a couple feet before she stopped.
I was at her side in an instant. “Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?”
Laughter stole her voice, but other than that, she was totally fine. I dropped down on the sand, willing my heart to stop racing.
She shook my shoulder. “Cody, you are waayyy too serious. Lighten up.”
“You jumped like twelve feet.”
“I had to win.” She shrugged as if flinging herself off high objects was a daily routine. Maybe it was.
Skylar found her flip-flops and slipped them back on. She offered me her hand, tugging until I stood too. Her cheeks were flushed with pink, and her hair encircled her face like the glow around the sun.
I was hypnotized. She was my fire goddess again, ready to destroy and restore all of me. The heat and energy pulled me closer, and my hands found her waist. Her chest rose and fell, while our eyes stayed locked. My fingertips brushed her cheek, its softness a dream. A few more inches were all I needed.
But the goddess had other ideas. She backed away and jogged over to the merry-go-round. Grasping the metal, she ran in a circle and jumped on for the ride.
I took a deep breath, working to regain the control I’d almost lost. I needed to be careful. Needed to be sure I could go back to my old life after a night like this. Because right then, with Skylar, it felt like my world was shattering into a million unfixable pieces.
She lay on her back staring up at the sky, now red and orange and stunning. I walked over to the merry-go-round and hopped on, holding tight while it still spun around. I lay next to her, our shoulders separated by a metal pole.
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