She stopped walking and stared at him in amazement. Didn’t he realize the significance of what was happening? How could he have slept last night? “About bringing you into Ethan’s life. What do you think? I’m taking a huge risk. You say Ethan doesn’t know you? I don’t know you, either.” She’d probably never known him. Not really.
A heavy silence fell between them and she looked at her son again, noticing Ethan’s arms had a pink tinge to them. He would be just like her, burning at the mere hint of sunshine. “He’s not wearing sunscreen or a cap,” she mentioned, leaving Sam behind as she ushered Ethan inside the house.
Sam’s skin was well bronzed, she noticed when he took long strides onto the porch to hold the door open for her. From a life spent outside on a ranch. And she couldn’t help but notice how his biceps flexed beneath his t-shirt.
Once inside she stopped to check Ethan for ticks after his trip into the woods. Then she noticed Sam still standing in the doorway, holding the door open, and letting bugs into the house.
“Did you want to come in?” she asked him.
He nodded and stepped forward, but glanced all around, as if he hadn’t been in the house only the night before. He glanced into the den, up the stairs, then into the living room before smiling nervously at her.
“It looks different in the day,” he said. “Bigger.”
Sam wandered into the living room, tossed the mail on a sofa, and migrated toward the mantel clock. “This is old,” he commented.
“It belonged to my grandmother.” She watched Ethan run to Brianna, who was spying from the kitchen. Brianna took Ethan’s hand and offered to fix him lunch. Jenna made a mental note to thank her sister profusely, later.
“It’s a fine clock,” Sam said. “Turn of the century, I’d say. Looks to be German. My great-granddad put this same kind of flair into his clocks. They were all German, on my granddad’s side.” He turned and took a seat on the white leather sofa, absently stroking his hands over the soft surface.
She crossed her arms behind her back and strolled into the room.
“Is it not running or did you forget to wind it?” he asked.
She glanced at the clock, barely able to take her eyes off him. “I think it’s broken. It hasn’t worked in years. I tried shaking it around once and it started ticking, but only for a few seconds.”
He raised his eyebrows at her and chuckled. “You shook that fine old clock?”
Jenna went still, fearing she’d ruined her grandmother’s clock beyond repair. “Well, just that once. Just a little shake.”
Sam chuckled again and glanced around, looking everywhere but in her direction. “It’ll be all right. I’ll look at it later. I can fix it.” He let out an uncomfortable whistle and sighed, “Noooo problem,” then settled back with his arms spread in all their firm-muscled glory along the back cushions, continuing his slow scan of the room.
A terrible, heavy silence threatened to loom again and Jenna searched her mind for something to say. She noticed he was wearing gray leather cowboy boots today. He caught her looking at them.
“For you,” he said with a grin. “Proof I have them.”
“But you’re wearing a SeaWorld t-shirt.”
He chuckled. “What, you want me in chaps and a ten-gallon hat? I can throw on some spurs. Maybe a big silver belt buckle? What else? A couple of six-shooters? Need me to run home and bring back my horse?”
He had her laughing before she could stop herself. “Would you like something to eat or drink?”
“No, I’m okay,” he said. “I just had lunch with the family. Catching up.”
Left with nothing else to do, she chose the sofa across from him and tried not to fidget once she was settled. “This is weird, isn’t it? I don’t know what to say.”
He gazed at her with sparkling eyes for a long moment, then nodded. “Really.”
“So what do we do now?”
Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his knees, clasped his hands, and took on a serious tone. “I guess we should get down to business. I did the math, and I think I knew you pretty well. You’re not the type to sleep around. You had too many rules for yourself. So, if you’ll look me in the eye and swear he’s mine I’ll take you at your word.”
She didn’t like being forced to stare, unblinkingly, into someone’s eyes on command – it made her feel shifty. But he deserved an answer. “He’s yours. I’d never lie about that. For Ethan’s sake.”
Sam slapped his thighs and sat back. “Then there it is. That kid in there is mine.” He smiled, shaking his head, and stared up at the ceiling, as if letting the fact sink in.
“So, where does this leave us?” she asked.
Sam tilted his head from side to side, still staring at the ceiling, one knee shaking nervously. “I talked to my mom this morning. She said I had to get straight what you want first. Then I can decide what I want. So, do you want me around him? Or do you want me to keep my distance and send a check every month? I’m not committing to anything, to be clear. I just need to know your frame of mind.”
Somehow, she hadn’t expected to be forced into discussing the subject so openly. But this was what she needed, a frank discussion. Dancing around the subject was too stressful.
Letting out a long, silent breath, she tried to focus. “That all depends on what you want. I need to know your frame of mind. I have to make decisions for Ethan, and he’s who we have to think about.”
Sam sat upright and then settled back. He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them, then leaned forward to clasp his hands over his knees. “First question is whether you trust me or not. Second question is whether I trust me.”
“You don’t trust you?” she asked, not fully understanding.
He shrugged and winced at the same time. “Full disclosure? There’s the possibility I’m gonna act like a jackass and run off screaming in a panic.”
She sat back, annoyed. But at least he was being honest. “If that’s what you plan to do, do it now. Not later. Because you won’t want to know me if you hurt my son.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” He pointed at her. “That look right there. Glaring at me like you’ve got an ax with my name on it hidden in the closet.”
Jenna forced herself to calm down before she talked herself into getting angry. “It sounds like you need to decide what you want. Till then, I don’t see how we can do anything.”
“Can’t play it day by day?”
“No. You said you’re going back to Texas tomorrow?”
“I just have some things to do. I’ll be back. I just don’t know when, exactly. A couple of weeks.”
It hurt, knowing she wouldn’t see him again for two whole weeks, if ever.
“Then what?”
“I’d planned to be here about two weeks,” he said. He unclasped his hands so they were free for gesturing. “My folks are having an anniversary party Friday after next. That’s why I’m here. I’ve got a guy I trust overseeing things at the ranch, but I have to get back eventually. Things are slow there right now, so I can extend it if I need to. Some.”
Fatigue came over her again. “You live so far away. I just realized. I have to work. I can’t run him back and forth to Texas to visit. And I don’t see how you can be traveling back and forth, either. Not enough. He’ll forget who you are between visits. But I guess that’s the only way. I’m not going to lie to him about who his real father is.”
Sam slid down on the couch and rested his head back, crossing his arms. He stared at the ceiling, again. “I appreciate that. But this sucks.”
“Yes, it does.” Almost everything in her life sucked lately. She knew then she had to let go of any notion of the two of them being together again. She couldn’t keep going back and forth, hoping, losing hope, hoping again. A life with Sam just wasn’t meant to be. Neither was a life with Brandon Stewart. But that was a different matter.
“You were different,” he said without lifting his head. He continued to stare at the ceiling. “And that kid blows me aw
ay. I want to know him. But it scares the hell out of me and I don’t know why. I don’t know what to do about it.”
She dropped her forehead to her hand. There it was again. The hope, in an instant. And in the next instant, gone.
Sam sat up again, resting his elbows on his knees. “What’s the bottom line? If I knew that….”
This time she sat back and crossed her arm. “The bottom line? Ethan is real. He’s a handful and he’s every single day, whether you feel like it or not. He’s not here for your amusement, or your pride. His life comes first.”
Sam squinted at her as if he’d gleaned something from her words other than what she’d intended. “All right then,” he said, seeming a little frustrated. “So, that’s it. Either you come back to Texas with me, or I sell up and move back here. Or, I visit him when I can and send a check every month. Is that it? Those are our options?”
“I think so.”
“Can I take him over to see my family? Tonight might be the only chance for a while. They all want to see him.”
The very thought of that, of Sam taking Ethan away from the house, made her tense all over. “I don’t know. No. I don’t want you taking him anywhere. Not yet.”
The fear came over her again, of Sam taking Ethan and running off with him. Even though she knew in her mind he would never do that. Probably. But he’d admitted he didn’t always trust himself.
So, how could she?
He raised his eyebrows. “I’d never let anything happen to him. That, you can count on.”
“You can bring them here, I guess,” she said by way of a compromise.
“Or,” he said, smiling, “you can bring him to the party. Talk about an anniversary present. My parents would love that.”
But would she? And could she stand to see her son passed around like a basketball among people she didn’t even know? “Let me think about it.”
“Okay. But he has family, you know. Grandparents that need to meet him.”
Grandparents? She’d never really considered that. He’d been talking about his mother and brothers and other family members and still the realization hadn’t come to her. She had so little family of her own - just Bri and Ethan now - she simply hadn’t thought about it. Ethan had Strickland grandparents. Strickland aunts and uncles and cousins.
She thought of what Brianna had told her, about how the Stricklands were wild and aggressive. A memory came to her, one from her childhood. One she’d forgotten until now. The day had been cold and rainy and she’d been in the post office, waiting on line with her mother. An ordinary day, until the glass doors had swung open wide and two Strickland men had walked in, with their long hair dripping wet, their eyes wild and keenly aware. They’d been so big and exotic, like mountain men from a different era, she’d gasped loudly enough to catch the attention of one of them. The look he’d given her, the Strickland man, so large and dangerous and fascinating, the wicked grin, had chilled her to the bone. She remembered her mother grabbing her and pulling her close, suddenly nervous. And how still and silent everyone had become, throwing furtive glances around, hurrying to finish their business and get out in case trouble was about to occur. She remembered her mother rushing her out of the building the instant she’d mailed her package. And now, after all these years, she could remember her mother turning to her in the car and telling her to stay away from those Stricklands. They were trouble.
Brianna was right. The Stricklands were wild and aggressive and possibly dangerous. And she had carelessly involved her son with these people.
Her eyes must have widened to the size of stoplights, because Sam frowned at her, sharper than his usual frown, injustice shining in his eyes. “We’re good people, Jen. Family means everything where I come from. And Ethan’s family now. You can’t deny him that. It wouldn’t be right.”
Startled by his accusation, she could barely speak. “I just don’t think I’m ready for this,” she said softly. “This is moving too fast. You’re scaring me. You want me to entrust him to people I’ve never met.”
“I only want you to let them meet him,” Sam said just as softly, warmth returning to his eyes. “There’s no reason to be scared. You’ll come too so you won’t have to worry. I’m not asking you to leave him there.”
Ethan was being awfully quiet in the kitchen, she noticed. And she needed a moment to think. She stood and walked toward the hall to listen for Ethan’s voice in the kitchen. At last, she could hear the faint lilt of one of his songs, and the sounds of Brianna washing dishes.
She strolled back to the living room. “What is your life like? In Texas? On the ranch?”
“Ordinary, I guess,” he said. “It’s nice and quiet. Lots of space. Not many trees, mostly pasture and mesquites, but sunsets like you wouldn’t believe. What are you doing now? You told me but I can’t remember. Something in law?”
“I’m working at my dad’s old law firm.”
“That’s cool,” he said. “Doing what?”
He must have remembered she’d been unable to finish law school. She wanted to tell him she was a legal secretary or paralegal, or anything other than an office assistant, but she also didn’t want to lie. So she left it at that. “Do you have a girlfriend?”
“Not right now.”
Her stomach tightened in fear. The thought of Sam moving on, forgetting about her, while she clung to the past made her chest ache. “But you did have one?”
“I’ve done some dating, but nothing serious.” He winced. “See what I mean?” He tapped his forehead. “Kinda messed up in here.” Then he tapped his chest. “Or maybe it’s in here.”
She was relieved to hear he wasn’t attached, but his admitted unpredictability worried her. Admitting he was unpredictable didn’t make her trust him any more than if he hadn’t admitted it. In fact, it made her trust him less.
Jenna imagined Ethan spending his summers in Texas with Sam on a ranch, and tried to envision good times for her son, out in the fresh air, riding horses, growing strong, having the time of his life. But in the end, all she could really see was Ethan getting trampled by a herd of out of control cows. Or what if Sam forgot all about him and left Ethan alone, lost in some pasture miles from the nearest soul? She could see her poor little baby standing alone, crying, lost in the middle of nowhere while Sam was off with friends, laughing, oblivious.
Sam stared at her as if he could read her mind, that familiar frown adding weight to his gaze. “Don’t worry, honey,” he said. “We’ll work it out. It’ll be okay.”
She shrugged, determined not to let him know how much she doubted anything would ever be okay again.
“I saw a for sale sign out front,” he said as if to protect her by changing the subject. “You’re moving?”
Again, she shrugged. “We don’t need this much space.”
“Where are you moving to?”
Good question. “Someplace smaller.” But hopefully larger than her car.
He nodded, and nodded, gazing at her with worry in his eyes. “Is everything okay with you?”
She forced a smile. “Everything’s fine.” Then she let the smile fall and rolled her eyes. “More or less. Everything is changing, that’s all. It’s nothing.”
“I was sorry to hear about your dad,” he said. “That’s still pretty recent.”
She nodded. “We’re adjusting. But we’re okay.”
“All right.” He stood and took his wallet from his back pocket. He removed a short stack of bills and dropped them on the coffee table. “There’s a couple hundred to get started.”
She stood with him and looked at the money, suddenly feeling as if she were selling her son. And what a deal, two hundred bucks for a lifetime admission into Ethan’s life. But she tried to shake off all the worrisome thoughts. This was child support, exactly what Ethan deserved. He needed food and diapers and… so many things she could barely afford anymore, like electricity and running water.
“Don’t worry,” he said, “that’s just all I’ve go
t on me. My checkbook’s back in my bag at my brother’s house, but I’ll get more to you.”
“Thanks,” she said, crossing her arms behind her back. She needed the money, but couldn’t bring herself to touch it in his presence.
“So, can I come back out later this afternoon? I need to run some errands, but I’d like to see him again before I leave. Say, about two or three?”
The hope in his eyes broke down her defenses and she nodded. “Okay. Three would be better. He’ll be in a better mood once he’s up from his nap.”
“All right, great.” Sam stood there almost smiling, seeming as if he wanted to say something else. Then he blinked and turned toward the door. “About three,” he called as he left.
As soon as the door closed she fell back on the couch and covered her face with both hands.
“Oh… my… god,” Brianna said. “That was the most painful thing I’ve ever witnessed.”
Jenna dropped her hands. “What did I tell you about eavesdropping?”
“That was like being forced to watch somebody get their teeth pulled out. It gave me a headache.”
“Me, too,” Jenna said. “Where’s Ethan? Did he eat?”
“Yeah. He’s still eating.” Bri sat down on the coffee table. She saw the cash and grabbed it up, counted it, then pretended like she was about to stick the cash down the front of her shirt.
Jenna snatched the bills away from her.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Bri said. “Because it’s obvious to me.”
“What?”
Bri made an exaggerated face of disbelief. “We’re finished here. Dad messed us up and now we’re gonna lose everything. So, we give up. Sell everything and let’s move to Texas. You used to ride horses. That’s all you used to talk about – horses, horses, horses. You have all those trophies and ribbons and things.”
Now Jenna was the one to give her sister a look. “First of all, he didn’t ask. Second, you’re going to college. You need an education. Skills of some sort. My horse-riding days are over.”
Brianna frowned. “Did you tell you-know-who where to stick it yet?”
Brandon Stewart. She’d forgotten all about that. “I’m about to call him.” She stood, remembering she had a lot of work to do. “Let’s finish packing up everything we can put in the garage sale. And then we have to clean the house top to bottom. We have to keep it in viewing condition right now.”
Bound to You Page 7
