The audacity of this man, honestly.
“Okay, I won’t go out alone,” I conceded. He was right on that point. “But I wouldn’t let you tell me what to wear when we were together. I’m certainly not going to let you tell me now,” I snapped, ducking out from under his arm and heading for the shower.
“Things change,” he pointed out in a serious tone, and I knew he wasn’t referring to my wardrobe.
“I fucking hope so,” I muttered.
That night found me sipping beer with Scarlet at the Knights’ clubhouse. There’d be a barbeque later, but for now, the guys were meeting. The atmosphere was tense given the threats against the club.
The first time I’d been here with Sal, almost a year ago now, I’d been surprised by how welcoming the club headquarters felt. The interior walls were wood paneled and lined with hundreds of photos of club members through the years. Many featured Cal, Cole’s father and the club’s president, depicting his career with the Knights throughout the years. He was still a handsome man. He and Cole shared the same startlingly blue eyes. Cal could be a hard man, one who didn’t accept failure or doubt. But, he was also kind with a capacity for warmth if you knew how to tap into it. He had a soft spot for his men’s women and especially his new granddaughter.
The history and pride of the club was clear almost immediately upon entering the space. This was their domain, their castle. The smell of the main room always got me. Leather, grease, and men. Heaven.
Tonight, I’d arrived on the back of Sal’s bike. I’d always loved riding with him, and tonight had been no different. I loved the vibration of the bike under me while I clung to his strong, leather-clad torso. I’d missed it, more than I’d realized until tonight.
Gracie was sleeping peacefully in her Moses basket with Chief snoring contentedly beside her. I kept glancing down at her, secretly willing her awake so I could hold her. “Your face looks much better,” Scarlet observed as we sat outside on the picnic table closest to the door. The outside space was large with several fire pits and picnic tables. It backed up to the desert beyond, and the setting was incredibly private.
I snorted. “It’s mostly makeup. But, yeah, the bruises are fading a bit,” I agreed.
“How’s it going with Sal?” she asked, and I knew she was barely tempering her avid curiosity.
I sighed. “Confusing would be a good way to sum it up.”
We both laughed.
“He seems pretty determined to get another chance. He’s pretty sure of himself that he’ll get one,” I grumbled. “But, I don’t know. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved, but fuck, it tore me up when he left. I don’t know if I can risk it again. And I don’t want to be in the same place we were before either.”
Scarlet knew intimately all of the issues I’d had with Sal’s lack of affection and the many walls he surrounded himself with.
“Maybe he’s changed,” she offered.
I made a face. “Do men like Sal change? I’m not sure.”
“Everyone can change,” she argued.
“What do you think I should do?” I asked, desperate for some advice.
She sighed and seemed to ponder the question for a moment. “I think it’s Sal.” She shrugged as though that said it all, and it pretty much did. “You two have something powerful despite the issues you had in the past. I think if you don’t give him another shot just because you’re scared of getting hurt, you’ll regret it,” she said while sipping her beer.
“I’m just still so angry,” I muttered.
“That’s fair. He has a lot to explain and to make up for. But, I think you owe it to him, and to yourself, after everything to at least hear him out.”
I nodded, agreeing with her despite the prospect scaring the crap out of me.
“How are you guys doing?” I asked her.
She sighed. “Cole is wound so tight I’m worried he’ll snap,” she replied. “I’ve never seen him so pissed off. And I know he’s worried,” she murmured as she looked down at a sleeping Gracie. “He takes his job as our protector extremely serious and he puts too much pressure on himself,” she fretted. “I wanted to start planning the wedding, but with all of this, I don’t think I should put something else on his plate.”
“You should plan it,” I said firmly. “You’ve already put it off and we both know he wasn’t thrilled about that. If anything, he needs something to look forward to. You both do.”
“Maybe you’re right,” she mused. I knew her well enough to not push her any further and changed the subject back to our favorite topic, Gracie.
Hours later, the meeting was long over, and the atmosphere was decidedly lighter. I was on the other side of the large patio from Sal, but his eyes continually searched until they locked with mine. I felt the same flutter in my belly I always did when his eyes were on me. He was checking in on me to make sure I was okay while keeping his distance. It had always been like this whenever we were out with his brothers. He never seemed to feel a need to stake a claim on me when we were out, content to keep a distance which always frustrated me. That is, unless another man didn’t understand I was indeed spoken for. When needed, Sal could cross a room remarkably fast.
“Another beer?” Axel asked me as I sat off to the side from the commotion of the boisterous party. Scarlet was off with Cole, and I was in need of a moment of solitude.
Axel was a gorgeous, formidable man, and in a detached sort of way I’d always thought he was incredibly attractive. He was powerfully built with the outline of muscle obvious through almost anything he wore. His dark brown hair hung to his collar in a constant state of unruliness. He wore a beard and it worked for him. But, it was his beautiful gray eyes that really set him apart.
Axel was also sort of scary. It was as though he carried a barely contained fury with him wherever he went. And when I’d asked Sal what he did for the club those many months ago, his answer had been quick and succinct.
“He’s the enforcer when we need it. You don’t fuck with Axel and live to talk about it.”
That had been the last time I’d asked for details about Axel.
“Sure, thanks,” I smiled as he took a seat next to me.
“You holdin’ up okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I am,” I nodded. I saw Sal’s eyes snap over to us and narrow as he watched Axel. They’d always had some tension between them. I wasn’t sure the cause, but immediately grew concerned this could be the catalyst for a fire I did not want to be in the middle of.
Axel shifted in his seat and cleared his throat as though he was about to ask me something.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Sal demanded, suddenly towering over us, his face a picture of menace.
Axel looked up with narrowed eyes. “If you hadn’t interrupted, I was about to catch up with Kat,” he replied, completely unbothered by Sal’s anger. “The guys and I, we got used to lookin’ out for her,” he glared, shocking the hell out of me.
Judging from the look on Sal’s face, this was coming out of nowhere and was unlikely to end well.
“Come again?” Sal growled.
“Yeah, man,” he stated as though Sal was slow on the uptake. “This is a good woman you’ve got here. Do you know she fucking slept at the garage?” he demanded.
Sal’s eyes grew wide in surprise before creasing in question toward me.
I looked away, unable to meet his gaze.
“Didn’t think so,” Axel muttered, shaking his head as Wes and Mack wandered over to assess the tension.
“You got something to say?” Sal demanded, his fists balled at his sides.
“Sal man, you’re my brother,” Axel replied, his tone decidedly calmer. “But fuck man, take care with this one.” He cocked his head in my direction. “She didn’t deserve that shit. And with or without you, she’s part of this family,” he added firmly.
Well, hell. I was still new to the MC lifestyle, but even I knew it was huge that Axel was making such a statement.
The two
men eyed each other, the tension so thick it was stifling. And then, Sal took a deep, measured breath. He tore his hand through his already unruly head of hair and sighed. “No argument from me on that, man,” he agreed. “I should have been here.”
I felt my head spin with confusion.
I was suddenly so angry at Sal. How dare he leave the way he did and then come barreling back into my life making such proclamations?
“This is so fucked up,” I muttered quietly to no one in particular.
“Kat,” Sal’s deep voice rumbled, clearly not wanting to have this conversation here.
Well, too fucking bad!
“No!” I shook my head as I stood up, not caring if people were staring. “You have the audacity to come bursting back into my life and act like you have some say over it. You cannot be believed!” I exclaimed, yanking my arm away when he tried to hold onto me and stalked toward the street. I didn’t know where I was going, but I wasn’t staying here.
I got a half-block away before strong arms grabbed me from behind, stopping me in my tracks. I immediately tried to get out from his embrace.
“I’m sorry, all right? Really fucking sorry,” his deep voice murmured in my ear. His words were enough to make me freeze up completely, and I stood stiffly in his arms.
I turned to him and pushed him away. “How could you do that to me?” I choked. “You turned me inside out. And now what? You’re back to try to do it again?” I ranted, wiping the tears that had started to fall with the back of my hand. “I tried hard enough the first time and it was never good enough!” I exclaimed.
“It was never you, baby,” he said as he shook his head sadly.
“Oh, so this is the ‘it’s not you it’s me speech’? That’s rich,” I scoffed.
“It’s different now. I’m different,” he said quietly, his dark eyes piercing mine.
I stared at him, my eyes wide with shock. Of all the things I’d expected him to say this wasn’t it.
“How? How’s it gonna be different, Sal?” I demanded hoarsely. “You couldn’t even hold my fucking hand when we were out together. You never even took me out on a freaking date! Not once! Do you have any idea how that made me feel? But I accepted it; I knew it was how you were. Along with all the walls so thick, I had no hope of breaking them down. And then what did you do?” I demanded, surprised at the venom in my voice. “You walked out on me!” I cried, all of the anger and hurt I’d felt for months rising to the surface in a tenacious wave. “And you expect me to believe all the reasons why you left have changed in six months? That I’m suddenly the girl for you because I certainly wasn’t before.” I demanded.
“Why didn’t you ever say any of this before?” he demanded, his own temper flaring.
“Because I didn’t want to try to change you! And I didn’t want to push too hard. I thought we had time. I tried to be patient because I loved you.”
Oh, shit, I hadn’t meant to say that.
“I’m sorry, you what?” he asked incredulously.
“Nothing, never mind,” I shook my head adamantly.
He took another step toward me and put his hands gently on my arms, peering down at me. “That was not nothing,” he pressed, his eyes glowing with warmth.
I remained silent, there was no way in hell I trusted my tongue at this point.
“I’ll get you to say it again,” he said more to himself than to me.
I simply shook my head in order to get a handle on the tumult of emotions raging through me. More tears spilled down my cheeks and I cursed myself for allowing myself to be this raw.
He pulled me into his arms in a tight embrace, and I gripped his shirt with my fists. I was so angry with him, but I loved him so much. He had me turned so inside out I didn’t know how to right myself again.
I felt him kiss the top of my head and squeeze me tighter still. “I’ve got you,” he whispered.
“You keep saying that,” I complained, my voice muffled by his shirt.
He chuckled. “Well, I do,” he said. “Haven’t you figured that out yet?”
“Sure of yourself,” I muttered.
“I’m sure of you,” he amended. “That has never changed,” he said as he peered down into my face. “Look,” he started with a sigh, “I learned a lot about myself while I was gone. I worked a lot of shit out. I’m still working it all out. And I want to tell you about it. I’m just…I’m still getting there. But, I want you to know I want to try. For you, for us, I want to try,” he told me earnestly.
That was big for Sal. No, that was huge.
“Let’s go home,” he suggested before I could ask him one of the million questions on the tip of my tongue. He put an arm around me and led us toward his bike. I didn’t miss the fact he’d called his place “home,” but I was too tired to argue semantics at the moment.
He handed me my helmet and swung his leg over the bike. The sound of it roaring to life sent an unexpected thrill through me.
“Ready?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded, trying unsuccessfully to hide my enthusiasm at getting back on the bike.
“I’ll take the long way,” he chuckled.
We rode through the warm night, the air caressing my face. Despite all of the questions still unanswered, I felt a surprising sense of peace. I’d told Sal I loved him, something I’d always been scared to death to do. And he didn’t run for the hills. Instead, he seemed determined to have me say it again. I knew without a doubt, with this glimmer of hope for Sal and me, that I needed to take the chance. I’d grown up with next to nothing and had lived most of my life focused on survival. I wanted so badly to be happy, to be loved, and I wanted those things with Sal. Maybe he hadn’t changed. Maybe I’d get hurt again. But anything was better than never knowing, or trying to keep him at arm’s length when all I wanted to do was let him in.
Except now I didn’t know how to tell him about my new found epiphany.
We’d gotten home, taken turns getting ready for bed, and were now both lying in Sal’s bed. There hadn’t been any discussion about him sleeping on the couch, and I was glad to avoid it. He was lying on his back with his arm behind his head, the muscles in his arms on prominent display.
“You went to the garage?” he asked quietly through the dim light.
“Yeah,” I murmured, staring up at the ceiling.
“Why?”
It was such a simple question, and yet the answer was so confounding.
“I was so mad and hurt when you left,” I swallowed audibly. “But I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t get my bearings. Somehow, being there, feeling close to you, well, it helped,” I admitted.
I heard his pillow rustle as he turned to face me. “Thinking about you sleeping in that empty garage will break my heart for the rest of my days, babe,” he rasped.
I turned my head to meet his heated gaze, surprised and warmed by the passion I saw reflected in the dark depths of his eyes.
I looked back up to the ceiling. “So where were you?” I asked, feeling finally brave enough to ask the question that would lead us into uncertain territory.
He sighed and I heard the familiar rasp of his hand moving over the whiskers on his chin. “Spain, for a while anyway. I went to go track down my father and his family,” he told me.
My eyes opened wide, that wasn’t what I had been expecting. All he’d told me in the past was he’d never met his father. His mother, who was American, had a one-night stand with his father while on vacation. She came from money, and it was a huge scandal when she’d let a Spanish man knock her up after one night. She’d then had Sal here in the U.S.. His dad had never been in the picture.
“And, were you able to?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah,” he nodded, rubbing his hand along his jaw as though lost in thought. “I met him and my grandma, some of my aunts and cousins, too.”
“What’s your father like? How was it meeting him?” I propped myself up on my elbow unable to hide my curiosity.
He shrugged an
d I could tell he was already shutting down. Part of me felt deeply disappointed, hungry as I was for knowledge about him, while the other part felt relieved he’d opened up at all.
If I was zeroing in on my question threshold for the night, I had one more I had to get out.
“What made you come back?” I asked somewhat hesitantly.
He rolled to his side, his warm eyes only inches from mine. “Isn’t it obvious by now? I came back for you,” his deep voice replied. “I thought I couldn’t breathe before - all my life I felt that way. I knew I needed to try to figure my shit out. But it wasn’t until I left you that I realized all the good air’s with you,” he admitted with a half-smile before turning back to the ceiling.
I stared at him in shock at his admission. Not only at what it meant, but the fact he’d admitted it. It was so honest and sweet.
But I was still confused about something. “If you came back for me, if you thought about me, then why didn’t you call?” I asked.
“I couldn’t.” He shook his head sadly. “If I heard your voice, I knew I’d lose my focus and head straight back home. I had to finish what I started, and I had to do it alone,” he explained. He looked at me with wide, earnest eyes. “Do you think you can forgive me? Can you come to a place where you can try to understand?”
Could I? I knew if we were going to make another go of it, I couldn’t hold this over his head. I had to try to move past it and forgive him for leaving the way he had. It would take time, but I was willing to do it for him. I swallowed and looked off to the side before I nodded slightly.
He blew out a relieved sounding breath as we sat in contemplative silence.
“That Gavin guy, did you like him?” he asked, surprising me with his train of thought.
I sighed. “He’s a great guy. But, no, I didn’t have any feelings for him.”
”Good,” he answered simply.
“While you were away, were there---?” I swallowed audibly, unable to finish my question about other women.
“No, baby,” he said as he shook his head firmly.
Sal (The Ride Series) Page 7
