by Leigh Bale
She jerked one shoulder. “I did what anyone would do.”
“No, not just anyone. You saved my life. Thank you, Zoë.”
A flood of emotion almost overwhelmed her. Flashes of his pale face and glazed eyes filled her mind. By the grace of God, he’d survived.
“You’re welcome.” She dragged her hand away and took one step back. Wishing things could be different between them. Wishing they weren’t two lost souls.
He frowned, his amber eyes boring into hers like a high-speed drill. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Everything!
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I am now that I know you’re going to be all right. You had me scared there for a time.”
He gave a low chuckle. “Truthfully, I kind of scared myself. I’m sorry about that. We were having a lot of fun...until I tried to break a rock with my head.”
She didn’t laugh. A frenzy of heat flooded her face. She forced a stiff smile to her lips but couldn’t stop thinking about their discussion before the accident.
“What happened after I conked my head?” he asked.
She told him about their rescue. As she’d predicted, Debbie had called Ron to report that Zoë had never picked up Jonah. Ron had immediately called out a rescue team, which had located Tanner and Zoë just after midnight. They’d rushed Tanner to the hospital where Zoë had paced the floor, praying he wouldn’t die.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all that,” he said.
“You would have done the same for me.”
“Yes, I would. I’m just glad you weren’t hurt.”
“No, I’m fine.” What more could she say? Nothing had changed between them. They’d become close, and yet the barriers had become even higher and more solid.
“How’s Jonah?” he asked.
“Good. He keeps asking about you.” Maybe she shouldn’t have said that. Above all else, she must protect her son from being hurt. Hanging out with Tanner had been good for the boy, but now it was time to pull back.
“I’d like to see him, too. Maybe we can go fishing again.”
“Maybe.” Pain and regret stabbed holes in her heart. Sometimes love was not enough.
He must have sensed her reservations because he frowned. “You sure you’re all right, Zoë?”
No, she wasn’t sure at all.
She took a deep, settling breath. “I’ve learned so much from you, Tanner. You taught me when to be tough and when to let it go and work things out. Thank you for that.”
Tenderness filled his eyes. “You’ve taught me the same things. I meant what I said on the river. I haven’t changed my mind about us.”
Her heart gave a sharp flutter. She almost told him that she’d change her mind, that she wanted to take that leap of faith, but couldn’t seem to do so. She’d always thought she was so strong, but now she realized she wasn’t. Not at all. “Right now, I just want you to get some rest.”
He nodded, his gaze caressing her face, but he didn’t say any more. His jaw hardened. A horrible, swelling silence followed. She waited for him to say something, anything, that would give her an indication that he could forgive her.
She decided to change the subject. “Well, I’d better get going. I’m heading into the office to start writing my final report on our work this summer.”
“Good. They’re talking about letting me go home tomorrow, so I’ll be able to help compile the research then.”
“I’ll...I’ll let your assistant know what I’m planning. It shouldn’t take long to get a first draft finished.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said.
She gave him a half smile before leaning close and kissing him on the cheek. As she drew back, she avoided his eyes. “You take care of yourself, okay?”
“Yeah, you, too.”
And that was it. She turned and left the room. Standing against the wall in the stairwell, she tried to still her racing pulse. She hadn’t told Tanner she loved him. She didn’t dare. Because that would make leaving him even more difficult.
* * *
Tanner lay there stunned and confused after Zoë left. He felt empty inside. What had happened? Things hadn’t gone as he’d envisioned them. He’d confessed his love, but it hadn’t been enough.
Tanner would willingly give up his job here in Steelhead, but Zoë was right. The job market was tight right now. If he failed to find a decent-paying job, he’d feel like a failure. If he and Zoë eventually married, he’d want to provide for his family. To take care of them. Maybe he was old-fashioned, but that was how it must be for him. So where did that leave them?
He could see no way out of this dilemma. No way for them to be together.
And then a thought struck him. If God could bring such a wonderful woman to him, then surely the Lord would help them find a way to be together. It was a righteous desire, after all. Tanner thought he just needed to have faith. But how should he begin?
Something told him he should start with prayer. Hmm. Now, that was something to think about.
Chapter Seventeen
Zoë dropped the heavy box. It hit the cement floor of her garage with a thud. Blowing a short strand of hair out of her eyes, she scooted the box over to the far wall with her foot. A fall breeze rushed past, blowing yellow-and-red leaves inside along with a swirl of dust. She’d have to sweep it all out later.
She shivered and zipped up her light jacket. After the busy summer she’d had, it was time to pack again. Not a chore she relished in the least. She eyed the dirt, leaves and oil splotches marring the cement floor. On her way over to pick up Jonah from the Milans’ house, she’d stop at the hardware store and buy a canister of grease cleaner.
Then she wondered why she bothered. Tanner was gone from her life, seeming to take all her joy with him. Returning to Oregon provided her with the employment she loved and needed, yet little else. No more joy. No love. Even Jonah was in a funk, knowing he’d have to leave Billie.
She didn’t want to go, but she had no choice. Her efforts to find a job here in Steelhead had proven fruitless.
And maybe it was for the best. Everywhere she looked, places reminded her of Tanner. The mountains, the river, Kids’ Creek Park, even the grocery store. How could she forget and move on without him?
Her mind struggled to find a way for them to be together, but she couldn’t see any. No matter what they did, one of them would be without a job.
Dressed in worn blue jeans, tennis shoes and an old gray sweatshirt, she swiped an arm across her forehead. Her gaze scanned the piles of cardboard boxes and she decided to label them so she’d know their contents. She’d been so rushed when she first moved to Steelhead. Never enough time. Now her days seemed to drag by. She missed Tanner. His smile, his low voice, his intelligent mind.
Reaching for another flat box sitting on top of the freezer, she folded the flaps and taped them in preparation for packing. Working kept her mind off her broken heart. No matter how hard she’d tried, she couldn’t stop loving Tanner. Over the past few weeks, she’d finished her final fishery report, sending it to him via email. He’d made his sterile, professional comments in writing. No phone calls. No personal interaction.
Nothing.
He obviously didn’t want to see her again. And she couldn’t blame him. She’d picked up the phone several times to call him and had even driven by his office, longing to talk about nothing and everything. But she couldn’t. It’d only deepen their pain.
Poor Jonah. No matter how many days passed, he kept asking to see Tanner. He wanted to go fishing again and invite Tanner to his T-ball games. The little boy didn’t understand why the man didn’t come around anymore. Why he never called. Jonah thought he’d done something wrong. It almost broke Zoë’s heart to tell her son it wasn’
t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.
Sometimes life could be so complicated.
As she folded a tattered blanket, she remembered Tanner’s tilted smile. The way the sunlight glinted off his dark hair. The way his amber eyes creased with thought. The firm line of his jaw and the way he walked, so confident and self-assured, as though he��
“Zoë?”
She turned and found him standing behind her. At first, she thought he was a mirage. A figment of her imagination.
The garage door stood wide open, letting sunlight and wind flow into the room. In the murky shadows, she blinked several times and shook her head.
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything important.” He nodded at the grimy cleaning rag she held in her left hand and she dropped it to the floor.
“Tanner.” She barely got the word out around the hard lump in her throat.
“Hi there.” He spoke softly, calm as a summer’s morning.
All she could think about at that moment was how wonderful his deep voice sounded. As she gazed into his eyes, she felt mesmerized. Frozen in place for fear that he might disappear. Then she noticed he was wearing his best Sunday suit of clothes. No blue jeans and no Forest Service uniform today. Just a white shirt, yellow tie and his shiny wing-tip shoes.
“You look good,” she murmured.
“Thanks. So do you. Absolutely beautiful, as always.”
She widened her eyes, thinking she must look awful with no makeup and wearing her grungy work clothes. Just like that first day they’d met.
“Wh...what are you doing here?” Her voice sounded vague to her ears, as though she spoke from a tunnel. She couldn’t believe he was really here.
“I came to see you. I hope that’s okay.”
“Yes, of course. Would you like to come inside? I’m afraid Jonah’s not here.”
She turned and headed toward the doorway leading into the kitchen, walking on autopilot. Afraid she might start bawling like a baby and beg him to ask her to stay just one more time.
Her spine tensed and she clenched her hands, her nerves tight as a bowstring. Why had he come here?
Tanner followed her inside and stood beside the fridge, his tall, lean body seeming to fill up the kitchen, bigger than life itself.
He smiled, seeming so at ease when her body was a mass of jittery nerves. “Let me guess. Jonah’s over at the Milans’.”
She nodded, captivated by his presence so close at hand. And then she noticed the flowers he held. Red roses wrapped in green tissue paper. At least two dozen of them.
“These are for you.” He held them out.
She took the flowers dumbly, cradling them in her arms, pressing her nose in close to catch their velvety fragrance. “Thank you, but what are they for?”
“Because I love you. More than I can ever say.”
She staggered, her body trembling. Sudden tears burned the backs of her eyes. She blinked to keep them from falling. “Tanner, I can’t take this anymore. Please, don’t—”
He held up a hand, his eyes crinkled in a serious expression. “Before you speak, I have something very important I want to say.”
He stepped close. He didn’t touch her, but she felt the warmth of his body seeping into hers. He slid one of his hands into the pocket of his suit coat and pulled out two white envelopes.
“I don’t understand.” Her legs wobbled with reaction. What was he doing here, dressed so handsome and smelling so good? She regretted hurting him, the way Cheryl had hurt him. It was already too late. Zoë had fallen in love with him and had been suffering from a broken heart since she’d turned him down.
“Let me explain, Zoë. You see, since the kayaking accident, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and working some things out in my mind. Things that have troubled me for way too long now.”
“What things?”
“My relationship with God, my priorities...and you.”
Her heart tripped over itself as she gazed into his eyes. She couldn’t speak, but held her breath.
“The kayaking accident made me realize how fragile life is, for all of us. I could have lost you forever. And I finally came to several important realizations.”
She swallowed hard. “Such as?”
“First, I know God has never abandoned me. No matter how alone I’ve been throughout my life, He’s always been there, waiting for me to return to Him. I’ve lost a lot in my life, but it’s made me stronger. It’s made me the person I am today. God loves all of us. He wants us to be happy. You taught me that.”
“I...I did?”
He nodded. “So I had some intense discussions with the Lord about everything. The Gospel of Jesus Christ makes me want to be a better man. For you. And Jonah. And when I realized that, nothing else mattered except being with the ones I love. I feel so calm inside. I can finally accept everything and move on.”
She released a shaky breath. “Oh, Tanner, I’m so glad. So very glad.”
“I know now that God has something better in mind for me. And that something is you.”
Zoë looked down, feeling overwhelmed. Why did he have to say such things? It only made the situation more difficult for both of them.
He stepped nearer, placing his finger beneath her chin and gently lifting her face so she looked into his eyes. A tender smile creased his handsome mouth, his voice whisper-soft. “I must have loved you from the first moment I saw you in that parking lot after Jonah creamed my truck with your shopping cart. After I found out you were planning to move back to Portland, I kept pushing my feelings aside. I thought I could pretend I didn’t love you. That if I avoided admitting the truth, I’d feel happier inside. I’d protect myself from being hurt again and you’d just leave at the end of the summer. End of story.”
She licked her upper lip, her entire body shaking. “And have you felt happier?”
He shook his head, cupping her cheek with the warmth of his palm. “No. In fact, I’m miserable without you. I can’t eat or sleep. All I do is think about you. I miss our trips into the mountains. I miss fishing with Jonah. I want to go kayaking with you again, without the accident this time. I love you so much. I can’t think of living the rest of my life without you.”
She gave a croaking laugh and pulled a kitchen chair out. She plopped down, too weak to stand. Too overcome by emotion to fight him anymore.
“And so I decided to fight for a chance for us,” he said. “I’ve waited all my life for you, and I’m not gonna sit by and watch you walk away from me. No matter what, we belong together. Nothing else matters. Not my job, or where I live, or what I eat for dinner. All that matters is us, lady. We just need to have faith in that, and everything will be all right.”
Her heart squeezed and she no longer fought the barrage of tears flowing down her cheeks.
He knelt before her, taking her hands in his. She stared into his eyes, too nervous to speak. Afraid he might evaporate from her sight.
“And so it comes down to this.” He held out the two envelopes. “Pick one.”
“Wh...what are they?”
He lifted one that had her name scrawled across it in bold writing. “This is a letter to you from your boss in Portland. He couldn’t be here, so he called Chuck and he asked me to deliver it to you in his place. Apparently, you applied for a lower-level job here in Steelhead, but they felt you were overqualified, so you didn’t get the position. But your boss in Portland is so pleased by your success here with the water-irrigation project that he wants you to stay permanently. You’d have your same job, but it’d be here in Steelhead.”
A tremor swept her body as Tanner held up the other envelope. It was addressed to him. “And this one is a copy of a job offer for me in the Portland regional office.”
“But...but how did you get a job there?”
He flashed a dazzling smile. “I applied for it weeks ago. I don’t care where I work, but I’m determined to be with you. So, now you have a choice to make. Where are we going to live? I’ll stay in a pup tent down in the park, if that’s what you want. As long as I can spend time with you and Jonah.”
The ramifications of his words settled over her by slow degrees. She took both envelopes, opening and reading each letter, trying to comprehend what was happening. Then she took a shuddering breath. “Let me make sure I understand. You requested a transfer to Portland?”
He nodded, not looking flustered in the least. “Just like you put in for a transfer here to Steelhead.”
“And I can have my same job here in Steelhead?” she said.
Another nod.
A slightly hysterical laugh burst from her throat. He laughed, too, at the irony of it all. And then he took her hand in his.
“Apparently, we’ve both been working behind the scenes to get new jobs. I never saw this turn of events coming, but the Lord provided us with options on ways to be together,” he said.
“But now you have a transfer to Portland.”
He shrugged. “I can change my mind and stop the transfer, but only if it’s what you want. Do you mind staying here in Steelhead, or do you want to live in Portland?”
She didn’t even hesitate. “Steelhead, obviously. Jonah’s so happy here, and so am I. Oh, Tanner. This is too good to be true. I can’t believe it.”
She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. And when she drew back, she saw that he was smiling, too.
“When I received your letter from Portland this morning with a request to deliver it to you, I couldn’t believe our good fortune. Several weeks ago, I told the Lord our problem and asked Him for help. I decided to exercise faith, and this is what came of it. We both have jobs here in Steelhead. Nothing’s holding us back any longer.”
The chair creaked as she sat forward. Stunned. Charmed. And shaking like a leaf.
“You’re the woman for me, Zoë. I love you. I always have.”
