by Mark Edwards
‘Okay. Thank you.’
Jessica paced around the room, thoughts overlapping one another, until a member of staff brought Olivia in. Jessica wanted to look at her skin, to see how bad the bite mark was, but Olivia ran straight into her arms, pushing her hot little body against Jessica’s and bursting into tears. Jessica held her, stroking her back and shushing her, but the tears didn’t stop.
‘He . . .’ Olivia fought for breath, on the verge of hyperventilating. ‘. . . bited . . . me . . .’
‘It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.’
‘He said . . . I . . . was a . . . monster.’
Jessica lifted Olivia, still sniffling against her shoulder, tears soaking through to Jessica’s skin, and carried her through the playground towards the car park. She didn’t need to pick Felix up yet because he had football practice after school.
A woman was standing by the fence at the edge of the playground. It was Pat, the dinner lady they had encountered on Halloween. She nodded at the clearly upset Olivia.
‘Oh dear. What’s the matter?’
‘Just an upset at playtime,’ Jessica replied.
‘Poor mite. Nothing serious, I hope.’
‘No, it’s fine . . .’
Olivia lifted her head from Jessica’s shoulder and stared at Pat.
‘Will it hurt?’ she said.
‘Pardon?’ Pat looked from Olivia to Jessica and back again.
Jessica knew Olivia was going to say something terrible. She could feel it. She tried to hurry away, nodding an apology to Pat, but she was too slow. Olivia was still staring at the dinner lady.
‘When you die,’ she said to her. ‘Will it hurt when you die?’
Chapter 13
Jessica left Pat reeling and hurried to the car park. She put Olivia into her car seat and strapped her in.
‘Why did you say that?’
Olivia closed her eyes. ‘Because she’s going to die.’
Jessica was about to say ‘Everybody dies’, but remembered Mrs Rose talking about Olivia’s ‘unusual interest in death’ and decided it was probably best to change the subject completely. ‘We’re going to go to the shop and buy you a nice present.’
Olivia swallowed, gazing at Jessica with big, shining eyes. ‘What kind of present?’
‘How about a big new drawing book and pens?’
Olivia thought about it. ‘And a new pony?’
‘Maybe.’
Olivia’s bottom lip trembled.
‘Okay, a new pony.’
The little girl brightened and launched into a commentary about which My Little Pony character she most wanted. Applejack or maybe Fluttershy or perhaps even Pinkie Pie. Jessica closed the car door and stood there, taking deep breaths, the bitter November air tasting sweet, even as the wind chilled the damp patch of tears on her shoulder. The act of doing nothing but standing there, eyes closed, breathing, calmed her. Mrs Rose’s words, the visit from Mum and Simon Parker, all the worries that had been crowding her mind, drifted away like smoke caught on the breeze.
Inhale. Exhale.
Leaning against the car, she felt her shoulders relax, was aware of her feet on solid ground. She counted to five as she breathed in, then seven as she breathed out.
Inhale. Exhale.
Her mind tried to rebel, to pull back all those escaping worries – Olivia’s behaviour, what to do about Mum, the fear that everyone would think she was a bad parent – but she was able to focus on breathing, just as Izzy had taught her. Finally, and she had no idea how long it had taken, she felt calm. Clear-headed and able to drive home. To face the rest of the day.
‘Are you all right?’
She opened her eyes, startled. It was Mr Cameron. Ryan. Jessica must have been standing there a while because the car park was half-empty and most of the kids had gone from the playground. She guessed dozens of parents must have walked past and looked at her like she was crazy. With her newly clear mind, though, she found she didn’t care.
‘I thought you’d fallen asleep on your feet,’ he said.
She was going to make something up, but the truth came out before she could stop it. ‘I was practising my mindfulness exercises. Trying to calm myself down.’
Ryan nodded as if this was perfectly normal. ‘Some of the teachers here are into that stuff. It’s all the rage these days, isn’t it?’
‘My sister was an early adopter.’
He smiled. ‘Yeah . . . I read an interview with her. The one that was in The Herald.’ He glanced at Olivia, who was starting to look very bored inside the car. ‘I guess you needed to calm down after what happened this afternoon. The biting thing, I mean.’
‘Did you see it?’ Jessica asked.
‘No. I saw her immediately afterwards, but I was on the other side of the playground.’
She fought the temptation to ask him who the culprit was – or the victim, she should probably say, as it sounded like Olivia had scared the poor kid out of his wits.
Instead she said, ‘Mrs Rose thinks Olivia has some kind of obsession with death.’
‘Is that what she said?’ Ryan looked uncomfortable, as if he was on the verge of crossing a professional line.
Jessica was about to tell him what Olivia had just said to Pat, but was too ashamed. ‘Have you heard Olivia say anything . . . out of the ordinary? Since that time she claimed to have spoken to her dead aunt, I mean?’
He seemed even less comfortable now. ‘I don’t know. I guess . . . There was one thing she said. Last week, I think.’
‘What was it?’
‘She asked me where people go after they die. I told her they go to heaven.’
That was the response she expected. ‘Okay.’
‘And she said, “But do they sometimes wait around first? Before they go up?”’
‘What did you say?’
‘I told her no, that good people go straight to heaven. But she didn’t seem satisfied. She said, “But what if they need to tell someone something? There aren’t any phones in heaven, are there?”’
He searched Jessica’s face, apparently checking to see if this would make her smile. Normally it would. But not today.
He went on. ‘To be honest, I didn’t really know what to say. I think I tried to change the subject.’
‘I understand. But—’
‘I’m sorry, Jessica, but I need to get going.’
He waved through the window to Olivia, who was now smiling at him. Jessica watched him lope across the car park and climb into a red VW Polo.
‘Mummy, are we going to the shop?’ Olivia demanded when Jessica opened her door.
‘Right away, madam.’ She got in and started the engine. Ahead of them, Ryan left the school grounds.
‘Good,’ Olivia said. A pause. ‘Because Izzy wants to come too. Don’t you, Izzy?’
She looked at the empty space beside her and Jessica stalled the car.
‘Oh, Mummy,’ Olivia said. ‘Please be careful. Izzy isn’t wearing her seat belt.’
Jessica turned around in her seat. She had gone cold inside. ‘Can you see her, Olivia? Can you see Izzy next to you?’
Maybe she had spoken too harshly. Maybe it was the look on her face. But Olivia began to cry.
Jessica couldn’t get any sense out of her, just more tears. But she was sure the temperature inside the car had dropped, and she found herself rubbing her eyes, almost convinced she could sense a shimmering presence on the back seat.
Chapter 14
October 2012
Isabel’s first instinct, when she saw the picture of the naked breasts on Darpak’s phone, was to confront him. To shout at him and demand answers. Who was she? How long had it been going on? Did he love her? There was a pre-existing script for people who found out their partner was cheating on them. A script with a set of storylines that could go in one of two directions. Split or stick.
She knew what would happen if she chose to confront him. She could see it. Anger, tears, his shame, the excuses and
justification he would no doubt come out with. All that pain. The prospect of it was exhausting.
She heard the bathroom door open, bare feet padding across the floor towards her. He must have sensed her presence. Or maybe he was coming to get his phone, planning to take it back into the bathroom with him so he could ogle those naked breasts, touch himself . . .
A spasm of loathing almost made her throw up. The sensation was so shocking – this was the man she loved – that the red mist in her head cleared for a moment. Maybe there was an innocent explanation. One of his mates messing around. Maybe he was innocent but was being pursued by whoever had sent the photo.
The tart.
She could hear her mum’s voice, using that stupid word to describe the woman Dad had run off with. She could still remember overhearing Mum screaming at him when she found out. Could hear their shouts. That was long before the days of cameras on phones, and Izzy didn’t know how Mum had discovered his affair. But what she did know was that after that argument he had left. Run off to Ireland.
And Izzy had never seen him again.
Did she want to risk that happening with her and Darpak? Especially as she didn’t have proof, yet, that this selfie meant anything. He hadn’t shown any other signs that he was having an affair. Maybe she was jumping to conclusions . . . although it was hard not to.
She quickly put the phone back on the table where she’d found it and crossed to the window, pretending she was admiring the view. She hoped he couldn’t see how she was trembling.
‘Oh. Hi.’ He came into the room. He was wearing the white robe she’d bought him for his birthday. His hair was still wet and he needed a shave. ‘I didn’t know you were back.’
She turned, just as his eyes flicked away from his phone. Was he wondering if she’d looked at it? It was important to act normal, so he didn’t suspect anything was wrong.
‘I just did that interview with the local paper,’ she said.
He picked up his phone and stuck it in the pocket of his robe. ‘How did it go?’
She decided not to tell him about the Larry questions. ‘Really well, I think.’
He smiled. She had always loved that smile, the one she was sure he showed only her. Now she pictured him smiling at the other woman. Smiling as she took off her clothes in front of him. Where did they do it? Hotel rooms? Her place? In his car? Had he been in the shower because he’d been with his slut today?
She forced herself to stop thinking about it, knowing the disgust would be visible on her face.
‘That’s great. I’d better get dressed,’ he said. ‘I’ve got a meeting at two.’
With the slut? Was that why he’d been in the shower?
She followed him into the bedroom. ‘Do you really have to go to this meeting? I thought maybe we could spend the afternoon together.’ She sat on the bed and smiled up at him, not sure what she was doing. Was she really suggesting sex when she suspected him of adultery? Testing his desire for her?
‘Oh God, Izzy, I’d love to. But I really can’t afford to miss this meeting.’
He came over and kissed her. He was still a little damp. The kiss got hotter and he made the groaning noise he always made when he was turned on. But then he pulled away.
‘Can we park this till later?’
‘I might not be in the mood later.’
‘Isabel . . .’
She stood up. ‘It’s fine. You’ve put me off now anyway, talking about “parking it”.’
She left the bedroom, ignoring his protests.
He came out ten minutes later. She refused to kiss him goodbye. As he was leaving she asked who the meeting was with and he named one of his wealthiest clients. He went out to his car, unlocking it remotely, and the beeping noise reminded her of a text message, which made her picture the topless selfie.
She ran out after him and grabbed hold of him just before he could get in his car.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked. ‘You’re acting weird.’
‘Do you love me?’
‘What? Yes, of course. What’s going on?’
‘It’s just . . . On the radio on the way home there was a phone-in about infidelity. All these woman whose husbands were cheating on them. You wouldn’t do that, would you?’
‘When I’ve got you at home?’ He laughed. ‘No way.’
He kissed her and slipped into the driver’s seat. His eyes travelled up and down her body. ‘Are you really not going to forgive me for asking if we can “park” it?’
‘We’ll see.’
He drove away and she watched him go. As he turned off the drive on to the road, the tears came. Because everything he’d said and done should have reassured her, except for the way his eyes had shifted when he’d said, ‘No way.’
He’d looked away, just for a fraction of a second. She knew him. She knew that look.
He’d been lying.
Chapter 15
A week had passed since the biting incident at school, and nothing strange had happened during those seven days. Jessica had spent much of the week Christmas shopping and catching up with a few bits of work.
Today, Wednesday, Jessica didn’t fancy going straight home after picking the kids up from school, so she took them to the local swimming pool. Felix was already a better swimmer than his mum – he’d recently earned his 1500-metre badge – and one of his mates was at the pool, so he swam with his friend while Jessica tried to encourage Olivia to take off her armbands.
‘You don’t really need them,’ she said. ‘Come on, I’ll be right here next to you.’
‘But I’m scared.’ Olivia grabbed at her, the plastic armbands rubbing against Jessica’s flesh in the water. She thought back longingly to the days when she could go swimming and enjoy herself instead of having a child clinging to her.
‘Why are you scared?’
But Olivia wouldn’t answer. She wanted to go in the toddlers’ splash pool, even though she was too old for it. After attempting to argue, Jessica acquiesced and spent the next twenty minutes sitting in twelve inches of warm water, the upper half of her body freezing while Olivia paraded around happily, her armbands still on.
Afterwards, when she was helping Olivia get dressed, she said, ‘Why were you scared of going in the pool?’
‘I wasn’t.’
‘But . . .’
‘Auntie Izzy can’t swim.’
Once upon a time, Jessica would have considered this a non sequitur. But not now. It was true, for one thing. Izzy had never learned to swim. Though they had both had lessons when they were at primary school and Jessica had quickly taken to it, Izzy had hated it and used every excuse she could think of to get out of it. This was back before Dad left. He would take them to their weekly lesson and Jessica could still remember their arguments in the car afterwards, when she had secretly enjoyed his praise, the positive comparison to her older sister. In the end he’d given in, and Izzy had stopped going to lessons.
The goose bumps returned, even though she was fully dry and dressed now.
‘How do you know Izzy couldn’t swim?’ she asked.
Olivia shrugged.
‘Did she tell you?’
She thought Olivia was going to clam up as usual, but then she said, ‘Nanny told me.’
At last, something with a simple explanation!
‘Nanny?’
A nod. ‘She showed me a picture.’
‘Of what?’
Jessica ascertained that Mum had shown Olivia some photos of a holiday they’d taken when they were young. It must have been Pontins in Camber Sands, as there were, apparently, pictures of a sandy beach alongside some taken at an indoor swimming pool.
‘You were in the water but Auntie Izzy was sitted by the side. She looked unhappy.’
‘Yeah. That sounds right.’
Olivia nodded. ‘She was frightened.’
Jessica kissed her head. ‘Maybe. But there’s no need to be afraid of the water, sweetheart.’
‘No.’
> Jessica continued to dry Olivia and get her dressed. Olivia appeared to be deep in thought and Jessica assumed she was thinking about Izzy and the pictures Mum had shown her. Though who knew what went on inside the head of a four-year-old. She might be thinking about what she was going to have for dinner or wondering if she was going to be on Santa’s nice list.
‘Mummy,’ she said as Jessica finished putting her shoes on.
‘Yes, Olivia?’
‘What about fire? Should I be frightened of fire?’
Jessica held Olivia lightly by the shoulders. ‘Why are you asking that?’
‘It’s a secret.’
‘What?’ She tightened her grip. ‘What’s a secret?’
Olivia wriggled away. ‘You’re hurting me!’
‘Sorry. But you have to tell me – what secret are you talking about?’
Olivia squeezed her lips together until they all but disappeared.
‘Olivia! Tell me! Why are you asking about fire?’
The other women in the changing room were staring at them, and Jessica realised she’d raised her voice. An elderly woman in a one-piece swimsuit gave her an admonishing look and Jessica took a deep breath, counting to three.
‘Come on,’ she said to Olivia. ‘Let’s go.’
They found Felix and drove home, skirting the park where the grey car had followed them. The road was quiet and a couple of street lights had died, sending them into a pocket of darkness beneath the overhanging trees. A chill passed through Jessica’s body and she stared into the rear-view mirror, convinced they were being followed again. But when they hit the main road and the car was filled with light, she was able to persuade herself it had been nothing more than an echo of her earlier fear. No one was following them.
They stopped at the traffic lights beside Jessica’s old school, William Peacocke Secondary. She noticed that Olivia had her face pressed to the window, looking out at the dark, squat building.
‘That’s my and Auntie Izzy’s old secondary school,’ Jessica said.
It had a bad reputation now, and Felix was going to go to a better school near Penge. She realised as she looked at William Peacocke that she had few happy memories of the place. Mean teachers, even meaner kids. Revolting dinners. Izzy had had a miserable time there too, especially in the months immediately following the newspaper article about Larry. It struck Jessica that she wouldn’t be unhappy if the place burned down.
