by M. R. Joseph
Jesus, what if he’s right.
Oh, God. What the hell have I done?
I get my bearings and start to pace like Max, and he can see the trepidation in my movements. He stops and looks at me.
“You’re going to go get her, aren’t you?”
I take off my cap and pull at my hair.
“She’ll hate me, Max. I fucking destroyed her. I did. What I said to her, I can’t make her see that it was to protect her.”
“Try, Cruz. Just try.”
I spin around ‘cause I hear her name. I hear someone call her fucking name, and I follow the voices that I hear speaking. Max is close behind. I look around the other side of the building.
She’s here. My Turnip is here.
With Knox.
Harlow~
“What was it you wanted to say, Chad? I really don’t have a lot of time.”
Here we stand practically face to face. He looks uncomfortable and edgy.
“I just wanted to say the thing I’ve wanted to say for a long time, and it’s sorry.”
I smirk. “Took you long enough, Chad. It’s all fine though. I’ve learned to forgive you and myself. We just need to move on.” He steps closer to me, and I don’t want him to so I step back.
He calls out my name, “Harlow, please.”
“Turnip.”
I turn around, startled by the name I just heard and from the voice it came from.
He steps towards me, my heart races. My mouth goes dry, and I look at him, and my heart weeps. It weeps and melts because I love him so much still. I know it as soon as I see his beautiful face.
However, he dismantled me and I struggle with it every day, no matter how busy I keep myself. So now I’m stuck. Do I run to him and tell him I still love him, or do I turn the other way and not look back?
Be the bigger person here, Harlow.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“I heard you were going to be here tonight and I need to talk to you.” His eyes so sad as he says it. I’m not falling for anything, no matter how my heart feels.
I turn back in the direction of Chad.
“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”
Chad grabs my hand. “Come on, Har. Let’s go talk some more. I’m not finished saying what I have to say and I need you to listen to me, please.” He tugs me, and I step into pace with him.
“Daddy’s boat is here. We can talk privately there.” We go towards the dock where the boat is.
“Harlow, wait. I have some things to say too. Just don’t go with him.” His voice pleads with me. “Please, just stop, stop and listen to me.”
Cruz~
She stops, but doesn’t turn around. Her head is bent down, then I see her slowly raise it.
“Harlow!” I demand.
She turns sharply in my direction.
“What? What do you want, Cruz? What could you possibly want with me? Can’t go back and change stuff, remember? One pussy is not good enough for you. Your words, not mine.”
“No, you don’t understand…”
She stops me from speaking.
“No, you don’t understand. You told me I’m too messed up in here.” She points to her head, and I feel sick.
“You told me I was a convenience. Like a friend with benefits. Well, I’m no one’s second choice. I won’t be, not ever again. I told you that the day you wrecked me. I was your experiment, wasn’t I? Your test of the sloppy seconds endurance. Well, you succeeded in your quest for the truth.”
Asshole Knox grabs her hand again.
“Come on, baby, we need to talk.”
I step closer to him.
“Fuck you, asshole. I need to talk to her.”
He smirks at me and laughs.
“You had your chance with her before you screwed it all up. Don’t think I don’t know what happened. Princeton’s not such a big town.”
I charge at him with all the adrenaline I have in my body. Knox lunges for me as well, but Harlow steps between us and Max holds my arms back.
“Both of you, stop it now. Chad, go to the boat, I’ll be there in a minute. I need to deal with this.”
Harlow puts up her hand and points to the boat.
“Go!” He doesn’t move. Harlow squeezes her eyes shut tightly and yells, “I said now, Chad!” He walks away backwards, not looking away from my eyes.
He yells to me, “We’re not done here, Officer. She knows what she wants, and that’s not you.”
“Fuck you,” I yell back to him.
I try and move a little closer to her, but she takes a step back when I do.
That’s fine. I’ll tell her all the things I have to say to her from a short distance.
“Harlow… Turnip.”
She looks away from me. “Don’t call me that.”
“Harlow, it was a mistake. I made a mistake and I need to tell you everything. I need to tell you all of it. Beginning to end. Will you listen?”
She shakes her head from side to side, folding her arms across her chest. I’m so afraid she’s going to say no.
“Want to know what your only mistake was? Better yet what mine was? Looking at you from across the bar that night we first met. Just the little eye contact we shared was the first in a long line of mistakes I’ve made along the way with you. So when you say it was a mistake, yea, Cruz it was. From that first night till now. All of it was a mistake.”
I grab her arm, gently as she begins to walk away. She whips her body around, her hair spinning like a windmill, and I look at it knowing how much I’ve missed touching the silky strands, and all I want to do at this moment is wrap my hands up in it, but I can’t. I need to slow this, slow myself. I’m in love with her, and I have to tell her… Now.
A voice comes over my radio that’s attached to my shoulder.
“Officer Cruz. We have a domestic disturbance at 321 Anchor Lane, and we need back up, do you read me?”
Fuck!
I hold up my finger to her.
“Officer Cruz here. I’ll be there.”
I have to leave. I don’t want to walk away. I’m afraid if I do, she’ll go to Chad. He’s put her under some trance. He’ll tell her all kinds of bullshit and my chance will be gone, but I have to.
“I have to go, but please, I really need to talk to you. Meet me later around midnight. Please, Harlow?”
Her eyes are so distant, but with mine, I plead to her. I need her to listen to me and understand why I did what I did.
“I… I can’t, Cruz. It’s taken me four months to forget what you said to me, and no matter what you say now, it doesn’t change the fact that you said them. You can say sorry all you want, it doesn’t change things.”
The voice comes over the CB again, but I don’t care.
“What if… What if I told you I loved you? That I didn’t mean a word of anything I said to you that day.”
She laughs, an uncontrolled vibrating laugh that goes through me and hurts because I know she doesn’t believe me.
“Oh, please. You’re incapable of it. You don’t know the meaning of it. I told you I loved you and you treated it as though it was just another word in the English language. But it isn’t, at least to me. You didn’t love me, Cruz. I was the game. The game you lost, or won, however you want to look at it. When you love someone you feel it everywhere, you live it, you breathe it. It’s not something to toy with or take advantage of. But to someone like you… You wouldn’t understand that concept or even try to.”
I’m losing her. I can feel it. She steps away with her head held high, looking directly at me. She doesn’t see it. She doesn’t see how much I love her.
“I gave my whole heart to you, you threw it back. What am I supposed to do with that knowledge now?” I reach for her when her words and truth sting me, but she retreats.
“I have to go. Leave me alone.”
She runs away towards the boat where Knox is.
Mother fucker.
I’m not
giving up. Not by a long shot. I’m not letting her go without a fight.
***
CHAPTER 20
I Should Have Given In
Cruz~
We need all available officers in the area to report to The Sandy Cove Marina immediately. We have a hospital case boating accident with multiple injuries, possible fatalities and coast guard rescue is en route. Do you copy?
“Copy.”
Great. My night will be full of activity so I don’t have to sit here and think about how I lost the only thing that matters, or mattered in my life.
Damn it, I should have done so many things differently.
I turn on my sirens and race over to the marina. There’s already a slew of police vehicles and several ambulances. I’m hoping there aren’t any fatalities. Not sure I can handle that tonight. When I step out of the car I can hear screams. As I get closer I can see a girl on the ground rocking back and forth and someone behind her rubbing her shoulders.
Willow!
I run full speed and crash to the ground in front of her. Porter is behind her consoling her.
“Willow? Porter? You guys ok? What the hell happened?”
She’s crying so hard, she can’t speak.
“Thea, sit here with her.” Porter releases Willow’s shoulders and takes my arm to pull me to the side. They all seem to be ok, no injuries, so why’s everyone so fucking upset?
“What the hell is wrong with Willow? She know anyone in that accident?”
He braces my shoulders, crying as he does so.
“Cruz, there’s… Oh, God, there’s been an accident.”
“Yea, I got the call, that’s why I’m here. Why are you all so upset? Is it someone we know?”
“Cruz, look at me. Look. At. Me. It’s Harlow. She was on Chad Knox’s boat, he was driving and they hit another boat. She was knocked unconscious and she was in the water for a long time. She’s wasn’t breathing when they pulled her out.”
“What do you mean she’s not breathing?”
I think what he just said is a dream. I’m so confused. That can’t be the truth. He’s lying. He’s fucking lying. I just saw her… It’s not her.
“She can’t swim.” My voice is small when I say the words, because she can’t, and I’m scared. I tried so many times to teach her, even going as far as getting her those damn swim lessons.
“I know, buddy that’s why…” He stops talking to me and looks over my shoulder.
“There’s Knox.”
I’ll fucking kill that bastard. I run over to him. He’s sitting on a curb wrapped in a blanket. Police surround him, and an EMT is listening to his heart. I rush over to Knox, pushing everyone out of my way. I grab his shirt and tug him upwards. I shake him not bothering to see if he’s hurt. I don’t fucking care.
“What did you do, you fucking prick? What did you do to her? I’ll kill you, Knox. If she doesn’t survive you will wish you were dead. Do you hear me, damn you?”
I can feel hands on me trying to get me to let go of him. I want to hit him so bad. Pulverize him. He just stands there, speechless. The bastard looks fine. Why the hell were they even out on the water anyway? She hates the water, she’s terrified of it. How could she agree to it?
All I hear him say is, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
If I had my way, they would be the last words Chad Knox would ever speak.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the EMTs pull Harlow onto a gurney, and I fly over to where they are. I run through the mass of people surrounding the marina and all I know is I have to get to her. I have to see if she’s ok.
“Harlow, Harlow!” I’m screaming her name, but I don’t hear myself. “Harlow, baby!”
She’s blue, and there’s a deep laceration to her head.
I hear someone tell me to get back, but I pay no attention.
“That’s my girlfriend, damn it! What happened? Why… why isn’t she breathing?” No one is answering me.
“Harlow, baby, can you hear me? Please wake up, baby, and look at me. I’m here. You’re going to be ok.” I touch her hand, but that’s all they will let me touch before they try and pull me away again.
“Sir, we have to get her to the trauma unit. She was in the water for a while before the coast guard got to her. We need to help her now. Please step aside and let us do our jobs.” I look to the EMT, and if he thinks I’m leaving her side, he’s nuts. Swiping at my face, the tears flow faster than I can wipe them away. I grab her hand again and tell them I’m going with them. I see Porter stand by holding Willow and Thea. I yell out to him that I’m going in the ambulance.
“We’ll be right behind you.” I think I hear him say.
They put Harlow in the back and I follow.
On the drive I hear words that scare me.
Coding.
Unresponsive.
Intubate.
They put some electrical thing on her chest and her body jumps, and I cry harder. I haven’t cried since I was… I can’t even remember. This is the love of my life here, and I’m so afraid of losing her… Again. There’s no color to her face, they stick a tube down her throat, her beautiful hair, now blood-soaked. All I can do is sit here and watch them try to bring her back to life. They stick her with needles, lift the lids of her eyes and shine lights in them. They poke and prod and speak a language I don’t understand. We’re moving so fast it’s like we are in some kind of high powered death trap. Every bump, every pothole we hit on the road, I feel. My body bouncing upwards in my seat. They won’t let me hold her hand. They won’t let me near her. I can’t help her. For once, I can’t help her.
***
EPILOGUE
Week Four
Cruz~
I have my routine down pat. I sleep in this chair next to her bed. Bella and Tony bring me new clothes every few days. I shower at ten a.m. when the Physical Therapist comes in to do exercises with her. I finish and step outside for a brief few minutes just so I can get fresh air. I don’t stay away too long. What if she wakes up and I’m not there.
At noon, the nurses bring me lunch, but I never eat it. Max and Porter will bring me in a sandwich from my favorite deli when they come to visit. At one, the nurses come in and bathe her. After they are done they leave the hair brushing to me.
That’s my job.
I usually spend upwards to a half hour doing it. It relaxes me. The feeling of her hair in my hands.
I usually doze off from two to two forty-five.
The residents usually come in to assess her, and I wake up and it’s my cue to go into the hall.
Around four, I log on to my online class and do a bit of homework. I lost my job on the force because I refuse to leave here, but it’s ok. I have plenty in savings and they told me I’ll always have a rent-a-cop job here when I’m ready. I gave up my apartment. My stuff is at Bella and Tony’s for now.
The words ‘visiting hours’ don’t exist in my world. This is my home until she goes home.
Harlow’s mom sleeps at the house she and her dad rented in Sandy Cove since the accident. Other than that, she’s here sitting with me beside Harlow from sun up to sun down. Her dad is here almost as much. Craw is here every day. He decided to take a leave of absence from his final semester and temporarily moved down here. He started talking to me again once I told him everything. The information I gave him was after he threw a couple of punches at me, and I let him. I let him curse me out, spew hateful words to me, which I deserved. Her parents never questioned why I did what I did. They understood. They were there once. I’ll tell you one thing though, I’d hate to be Evelyn Hannum because after Joe and Annabeth confronted her about what she did and said to me, she is no longer in their lives. That’s including Greta’s too. Speaking of Greta, she’s almost six months pregnant and isn’t having a great pregnancy, so she and her husband will only take the drive once a week to see her. What’s to see though…
She began breathing on her own after about a week and that awful tube was eject
ed from her throat. Now there’s a thin, white tube that goes into her nose and down her throat. That gives her the nourishment she needs. All those tubes she was attached to looked like something out of a Sci-Fi movie. You could hardly see her beautiful face. The bandage has come off her head, and the stitches have been removed. The wound is healing nicely, or at least that’s what they tell me. She shows all signs of brain activity, which is miraculous. Her legs… That’s a different story. They were a bit mangled. We won’t know any more until she wakes up, but to their knowledge there is no spinal cord injury.
I’m not a praying man. I’ve never had a lot to pray for in my life, but with Harlow, praying and hoping is all I have.
At six, I try to eat a little something, but again, I never do. Food is the last thing on my mind. My stomach is in a constant state of churning. My mind, it’s in a constant state of denial.
Denial that this has all happened. Sometimes when I fall asleep in the chair next to her bed, I dream about her laughing, dancing, being carefree. In my dreams, her strawberry-colored hair twirls around her as she spins at the water’s edge. She calls my name and holds out her hand for me to join her. She wraps her arms around my neck and whispers to me how happy she is and how her love for me has changed her, how my love for her has changed her.
Then I’m awakened to the nightmare.
At night before her mom, her dad and Craw leave, her mom always gently kisses my head and tells me she knows she’s in good hands if I’m here. That brings no comfort to me even though I know she means well. I let her go that night. This is all because of me. She’s lying here because I didn’t give in. I didn’t give in to the love even though I felt it within my soul. With every nerve, every ounce of blood pumping through my veins, with my whole heart, I loved her… I love her. I was just too damn afraid to admit it to her.
