by Jeffery Self
DISPOSITION
Married Couples can go from happy to not happy in a matter of seconds. A couple might be having a great day, but then the male might say something stupid about Claudia, the female’s best friend, and all hell breaks loose. Married Couples must be able to say, “I’m sorry. I’m stupid. I was wrong. You’re nothing like Satan, and neither is Claudia.”
AVERSIONS
Infidelity. The biggest threat to a Married Couple is that woman who works in the man’s office, who is always wearing those low-cut blouses that are three sizes too small and who smells like cigarettes mixed with Bath & Body Works, or that guy who works with the woman and who looks like a sexy Woody Harrelson and is always suggesting they go jogging together. These types of Heterosexuals are called home wreckers or Angelina Jolie.*
MIGRATION PATTERN
Married Couples love to travel, mainly because when you live with someone 24/7, you run out of things to talk about, so migration offers conversation starters like, “Hey! Look at that fountain!” and “I like the Chinese food at the mall back home a lot better than all this crap in Asia.”
HABITAT
A Married Couple’s habitat brings characteristics of the two Heterosexuals into one place. Usually the female’s taste prevails over the male’s, and his golf trophy from eight years ago is forced into a room called the Man Cave.*
TURN-ONS
When he does the dishes and she pretends to enjoy The Expendables 2.
TURN-OFFS
When their DVR forgets to record whatever Bravo reality show they’re most into—usually Top Chef.
THE HIPSTER
TOPOGRAPHY
A Hipster is a Heterosexual Male or Female who rebels against popular culture and favors styles, tastes, and interests that are of the utmost hipness.
Q&A
Q. Are you a Hipster?
A. No. I’m an individual. One of a kind.
Q. Where did you get your shirt?
A. Urban Outfitters. Why?
HOW TO SPOT
Hipsters have one of the most distinctive looks among Heterosexuals. Hipsters favor skinny jeans, vintage shirts, colorful sneakers, thick-rimmed glasses, boots, “ironic” facial hair, and an attitude that says, “I don’t care how bad I smell. Wanna read my zine?” If you’re walking down the street and you see someone who looks like he’s in a 1980s workout video; looks homeless but has an iPhone; or looks like he’s stepped out of colonial times, you’ve most likely spotted a Hipster. If it’s the latter, you might have just spotted an Amish person, in which case I have no suggestions on how to approach him, as my knowledge of Amish culture is limited to For Richer or Poorer, starring Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley.
BACKGROUND
Hipsters often come from very wealthy backgrounds, but have chosen old clothes, dirty hair, and musky body odor as their ultimate form of rebellion against their type-A parents. Or they’re European.
PHILOSOPHY AND BELIEFS
Hipsters love having a cause. Causes include gay marriage; the environment; Darfur; AIDS; hungry children; the homeless; the war; or Arcade Fire going too mainstream. Hipsters are also extremely vocal against gentrification in the areas where they are responsible for said gentrification.
Recently, I sat down with the Heterosexual Hipster who works at my local coffee shop. His name is Zane, and he looks like a cleaner Tilda Swinton. Here is a direct transcript of our interview on the Heterosexual lifestyle and when he first “knew.”
Zane stares at me blankly until I go away.
P.S. Just in case you were dying to know, I did end up getting the banana-nut scone, and he was right—it was delicious.
DISPOSITION
A too-cool-for-school vibe, but they’d never use that term, or even the word cool, because they’re too cool even for that.
AVERSIONS
Anything embraced by the masses, including American Idol, The Bachelor, Katy Perry, Russell Brand after he married Katy Perry, anything on CBS.
MIGRATION PATTERN
Hipsters love migrating to cities such as Portland, Seattle, and Austin. Also, anywhere with a used record store and a coffee shop run by people who don’t make eye contact with you.
HABITAT
Hipsters usually live in ghettoized areas that cater to their Hipster way of life. In these habitats, you will find boutiques selling clothes made of organic cotton; lots of kale; gift shops that sell nothing but handmade soap; bars that serve Pabst Blue Ribbon; and a population where 40 percent of both the men and women look just like Michael Cera.
TURN-ONS
Food trucks; gelato; espresso; old-fashioned soda made with cane sugar; not having cable; talking about not having cable; knit caps; vests; naming their wireless networks after characters from Twin Peaks; claiming they were one of the first people to join Instagram; plaid; girls who look like Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta; boys who look like Daniel Day-Lewis in pretty much anything; paisley prints; irony.
TURN-OFFS
Bank of America; acting like their parents; shopping malls; Julia Roberts movies; processed food; children; the book Tuesdays with Morrie; country music; and saying, “cool beans.”
THE FRAT BOY
TOPOGRAPHY
The term Frat Boy refers to men belonging to a fraternity, a college-based social group that works as a social members-only club, and puts young men in one house full of beer and unacknowledged homoerotic tension. Fraternities have all sorts of secret rules and activities, and one cannot simply join, but must earn admittance through humiliating activities that include anything from streaking across campus to getting paddled on the butt with a big wooden stick. Again, it’s worth stressing that this is a Heterosexual activity. The Frat Boy is a male who is either currently in one of these fraternities or is an alum of a fraternity who hasn’t been able to get over his glory days or get a job.
HOW TO SPOT
Frat Boys favor comfort over style: hats worn backward; expensive watches; boxer shorts with Homer Simpson’s face printed on the butt; baggy pants; and T-shirts from places like American Eagle and Hollister. Nine times out of 10, a Frat Boy is wearing at least one article of clothing with a team number printed on it for absolutely no reason whatsoever. In some cases, Frat Boys who are no longer in college and are forced to join the real world will throw on a suit and tie for the daily grind. But you’d better believe that the Green Bay Packers T-shirt he wore all weekend without washing is getting a third act the minute he gets home.
BACKGROUND
A Frat Boy can come from anywhere, but once he joins a fraternity, it will completely change his life for better and worse. The better being making lifelong friends, and the worse being liver failure and flunking out of Notre Dame all before his second semester of sophomore year.
PHILOSOPHY AND BELIEFS
Beer.
DISPOSITION
Unbearably “fun.”
The Most Frequently Asked Questions about Frat Boys
Q. What is a frat house?
A. A frat house is a structure (usually a beautiful old house) where fraternity brothers live together while attending college and beating Guinness Book of World Records statistics on the most tequila consumed by one human being, and avoiding the act of cleaning and/or studying.
Q. What does a frat house smell like?
A. A frat house is an extremely masculine environment, so expect extremely masculine smells, and if you’re still confused as to what that means, open your dirty clothes hamper, dig all the way to the bottom while holding your nose, get as deep into the hamper as possible, then inhale the musky aroma, and you’ve pretty much smelled the inside of a frat house.
Q. So just what does the inside of a frat house look like?
A. Full disclosure: The closest thing to a frat house I’ve ever been in was the house where all the male dancers lived at the arts conservatory I went to for college, and not only did it smell of beautiful lavender candles, but it also looked like the inside of Nathan Lane’s suitcase. T
raditionally, a frat house will be decorated with hypermasculine décor, such as empty beer bottles displayed in rows atop cabinets and other flat surfaces; large poster images of women in swimsuits; Family Guy memorabilia; and any sort of signage that declares it to be Miller Time.*
AVERSIONS
Smart cars; anything considered “cute.”
MIGRATION PATTERN
See Spring Break (page 142).
HABITAT
Enter at your own risk. You know how when you leave dirty socks in your backpack for a few days, and then suddenly it’s the weekend and you’re like, “I’ll wait until Monday to bring in my bag,” and then Monday comes and your car smells like Mickey Rourke after a jog through the desert? That’s how a Frat Boy’s habitat will most likely smell.
TURN-ONS
Naked women; keg stands;* beer; TV shows about monster trucks; epic Saturday nights; nicknaming one’s penis something like the General or Captain Corona; porn; movies in which cars explode; movies in which entire cities explode; movies in which people explode; and did I already mention beer?
TURN-OFFS
Sushi; documentaries; The New Yorker; wearing a shirt; blogs about performance art; this book.
THE OUTSPOKEN LIBERAL
TOPOGRAPHY
Many Heterosexuals are outspoken supporters of liberal causes and politics. Generally, these Heterosexuals are savvy urbanites who have donated at least $50 to National Public Radio within the past six months and carry around a Fresh Air with Terry Gross tote bag to prove it.
HOW TO SPOT
Outspoken Liberal Heterosexuals usually look just like everyone else, except maybe slightly more stylish, considering their frequent exposure to gay friends.
BACKGROUND
The greatest thing about being an Outspoken Liberal is that you can be from anywhere you want to be. However, those from Georgia or Louisiana should be prepared for skepticism.
PHILOSOPHY AND BELIEFS
Basically anything that Rush Limbaugh would consider “un-American.”
DISPOSITION
Good listeners, or at least they’re good at positioning their very trendy glasses on the tip of the nose and making an expression that looks like they’re listening.
AVERSIONS
Close-mindedness; inequality; Jeff Foxworthy.
MIGRATION PATTERN
Open-minded places, such as Vermont, San Francisco, and the literary theory section at Barnes & Noble.
HABITAT
Aesthetically pleasing and unique spaces, including lofts, old buildings converted into houses, and homes with colorful histories and enlightening stories the Outspoken Liberal can share at dinner parties (i.e., “You know, this was Buster Keaton’s house for like two months before he drank himself to death”).
TURN-ONS
Activism; singer-songwriters; film festivals; feminist poetry; pictures of Michelle Obama gardening; Internet-based comedians; Dylan Thomas quotes as Facebook statuses; dogs named after any character in To Kill a Mockingbird; NBC Thursday night comedies; Showtime; iPads; iPhones; iTV; iMac; iCed coffee (see what I did there?); and Aaron Sorkin.
The Top 10 Things the Outspoken Liberal Heterosexual Says
1. “If he gets elected, I’m moving to Canada.”
2. “I need a new pair of Tom’s.”
3. “I had a sex dream about Jon Stewart last night. Again.”
4. “John Lennon made some really good points.”
5. “I voted for Hillary the first time, but I love Barack!”
6. “The wireless password is YesWeCan. All one word.”
7. “I’m not gay, but if I were, I’d be all over Rachel Maddow.”
8. “That was back when I was still eating at Chick-fil-A.”
9. “It’s a shame, because I actually used to like Clint Eastwood.”
10. “I actually hope my son is gay.”
TURN-OFFS
Anyone with the name Bush (and that includes the beans); country clubs; racism; jokes about fat people (unless they’re Republican congressmen, then bombs away); deep-fried anything; PC computers; Westboro Baptist Church; corn dogs.
THE OUTSPOKEN CONSERVATIVE
TOPOGRAPHY
The Outspoken Conservative Heterosexual is a male or female who is basically the opposite of the Outspoken Liberal. He/she leans to the right on political and social issues. These Heterosexuals put “traditional values” before all else, and yet they still find Bristol Palin endearing.
HOW TO SPOT
The Outspoken Conservative comes in many different shapes, sizes, and colors. However, the majority are Caucasian people who love anything with an American flag printed on it.
BACKGROUND
Outspoken Conservatives are usually raised by other Outspoken Conservatives, and often come from places where people wear hats sized by the gallon.
PHILOSOPHY AND BELIEFS
A deep love for “traditional American values” and ground beef.
DISPOSITION
Vitriolic patriotic chic.
AVERSIONS
People named José; Kathy Griffin; anyone who has ever been a judge on Project Runway; the “liberal media”; JCPenney; the word choreography; mosques; men who refer to Dame Judi Dench as “my diva”; the phrase Happy Holidays.
MIGRATION PATTERN
The nearest Cracker Barrel.*
HABITAT
Outspoken Conservative Heterosexuals can be found all over; however, many have chosen states such as Alabama, Georgia, Florida, and Tennessee to call home. Most flock to areas surrounding the Heterosexual shopping mecca known as Walmart.
The Top 10 Things the Outspoken Conservative Heterosexual Says
1. “If he gets elected, I’m moving to Canada.”
2. “Let’s keep Christ in Christmas.”
3. “Even I didn’t have the heart to vote for Palin.”
4. “Is it OK to like the Dixie Chicks again yet?”
5. “Communism!!!”
6. “Socialism!!!”
7. “I once knew a Jewish guy in college.”
8. “More like Michael Bore.”
9. [Shouting in public as if at a sports game, but not actually at a sports game] “USA! USA! USA!”
10. “Does that come with fries?”
TURN-ONS
Domestic beer; photos of women holding guns; Bill O’Reilly; organizing protests against effeminate cartoon characters; beauty pageants; buying in bulk; supporting their country; when people thank Jesus after winning an Oscar or the Super Bowl or a Golden Globe; any chance they can remind you how much they support the troops.
TURN-OFFS
The West Coast; hippies; Jane Fonda; gay marriage; holistic medicine; the Tony Awards; single-parent homes; tarot cards; food they cannot pronounce; me.
THE BEST-FRIEND-TO-THE-GAYS
TOPOGRAPHY
This Heterosexual Female surrounds herself with gay men. Why? Because she likes to have a good time. She is usually single, employed, and eager to do anything her gay best friend Chad says. Through Chad, she will discover Cher’s early cover songs, how to infuse her own tequila, and why it’s not OK to wear flip-flops in a gay bar (or anywhere for that matter).
HOW TO SPOT
She dresses a little flashy, in an attempt to compete with the gay men she is surrounded by. She can be found sporting bold colors, excessive makeup, and sometimes even sequins on a Monday. If she knows one thing, it’s that you’ve got to get up extremely early to outdress a drag queen.
BACKGROUND
Her parents are still married; that’s why her standards have remained so high when dating. She worries that she’ll never find a love as strong as her own parents’, so until that day comes, she’ll be watching early Diane Keaton movies with Chad every night. (By the way, am I the only person who’s dying to be friends with Chad? He sounds great.)
PHILOSOPHY AND BELIEFS
The perfect friend and the perfect person to sing “Summer Lovin’” from Grease with at karaoke.
> DISPOSITION
When she gets drunk, her mood changes from a fun, bubbly time to the biggest headache in Chad’s life. It will become Chad’s responsibility to drag her out of the bar, kicking and screaming, and force her into a cab, in which she will most likely vomit before asking Chad, through heavy tears, if he thinks he will ever sleep with her, even just once.
