by Jeffery Self
8. The inventor of Nair: Beloved by Heterosexual Females, as well as a very unique subset of Heterosexual Males, including both Jersey Shore’s The Situation and former California governor and all-around meathead Arnold Schwarzenegger.
9. Julia Roberts: She is and always will be the Heterosexual’s Sweetheart.
10. Sandra Bullock: She is and always will be the Heterosexual’s Other Sweetheart.
Famous Heterosexuals
Many of the world’s most important people are Heterosexuals, but only a handful of Heterosexuals are the world’s most important people. Kind of trippy to think about, huh?
Those last two names are considered Heterosexual Royalty and are arguably the most important women in history. They are esteemed and beloved icons within the Heterosexual community and the closest thing America has to princesses. At some point in their lives, every Heterosexual must answer the very difficult question: “Am I a Julia Roberts kind of Heterosexual or a Sandra Bullock kind of Heterosexual?”
As a rule, most Heterosexuals just innately know but, for some, this is one of the hardest decisions a Heterosexual will ever have to make. I, myself, have grappled with this question for years and have recently come to the conclusion that while I love Sandra, my heart belongs to Julia. Unless, of course, Sandra Bullock is reading this book, in which case, Julia who? Call me, Sandy! You’re my gurl!
For Heterosexuals (or anyone else) who cannot decide, I’ve created this very easy-to-answer series of questions to help you or the Heterosexual in your life figure out this extremely pressing matter.
Julia or Sandra? The Great Question of Our Time
1. When you first saw Pretty Woman, you thought:
A.Who is this woman? She isn’t all that pretty.
B.This is the greatest romantic comedy I’ve ever seen.
C.Maybe I want to be a prostitute.
If you answered B, you are Team Julia. If you answered A, you are an asshole. And if you answered C, you should really think twice before you go down that road.
2. When you watched the scene where Julia Roberts dies in Steel Magnolias, you:
A.Thought about someone you’ve lost, but then started thinking about what you wanted for dinner.
B.Didn’t cry.
C.Threw yourself at the television and screamed, “Take me instead!!”
If you answered C, you are without a doubt a Julia Roberts fan. If you answered A or B, you are a heartless monster.
3. When did you first hear about Sandra Bullock?
A.Speed.
B.While You Were Sleeping.
C.When she won an Oscar for that movie about the giant black teenager.
Pretty much any of these answers make you Team Sandra. However, if you answered C, you’re probably a racist. Just sayin’.
4. Your house is on fire, and you’ve already rescued all your valuables, sentimental items, and pets. You have one minute to run back in and grab one DVD off your shelf. Which do you choose?
A.Runaway Bride.
B.The Proposal.
C.The Barbra Streisand remake of A Star Is Born.
If you answered A, you’re Team Julia. If you answered B, you’re Team Sandra. If you answered C, you’re a Homosexual.
5. Which breakup broke your heart more?
A.When Sandra’s husband cheated on her with that woman covered in tattoos.
B.Julia and Benjamin Bratt.
C.Julia and Lyle Lovett.
This is pretty obvious. If you answered A, you’re Team Sandra. If you answered B, you’re Team Julia. If you answered C, you’re out of your mind, because that was the weirdest relationship in the history of everything. Or you’re Lyle Lovett.
Knowing whether the Heterosexuals you’re dealing with are Team Julia or Team Sandra will help you better understand where they’re coming from in all areas, from the economy to how they feel about that scene where Julia Roberts wears a fat suit in America’s Sweethearts.
Recognizing Fictional Heterosexuals and Non-Heterosexuals
There are many fictional characters in pop culture that are thought to be Heterosexuals due to what we’ve been told by movies, books, our parents, and the liberal media. However, as with all potential Heterosexuals, their true orientation is always up for debate. Recognizing the Heterosexual and Non-Heterosexual traits in the fictional characters we all know and love can substantially strengthen your ability to spot the Heterosexuals in your own life. Also, pondering Cruella De Vil is just a nice way to spend any afternoon. Right, Glenn Close?
Ariel (a.k.a. the Little Mermaid)
This woman sacrificed her ability to breathe underwater and wear nothing but seashells over her breasts—all for a man. If she’s not a Heterosexual, I don’t know who is.
Smokey the Bear
If you’ve ever gone camping, you’ve probably pooped outside. Also, you’ve probably seen signs with photos of Smokey the Bear. We’re asked to believe that he’s a bear that somehow became a licensed forest ranger and can somehow always keep his hat on. If you can get past that (and you can if you try), you’ll see that Smokey the Bear has a lot of Heterosexual qualities. For one, he loves being outdoors, which is a very common trait among Heterosexual Males, and also, he loves not wearing a shirt while he does it. Have you ever seen a Heterosexual Male wandering through the woods and keeping his shirt on? No. I didn’t think so. Smokey the Bear is as straight as an arrow; his counterpart, named Winnie, however, is a much different story.
Winnie the Pooh
Another bear, but much more delicate and sensitive. Winnie is not a Heterosexual, and I think that’s as obvious as his addiction to honey, which is a real problem, by the way. None of his friends are addressing it, and I’m not calling Piglet an enabler, but I’m not not calling him an enabler, either. Y’know?
The Kool-Aid Man
This is a Heterosexual. How do I know? There is no gay male on planet Earth who would happily consume that many empty calories from a sugary drink without at the very least adding vodka.
Cruella De Vil
This is a gay guy in drag if I’ve ever seen one, and believe me, I’ve seen one!
Golem
This Tolkien character isn’t a Heterosexual. How can I tell? He’s clinically obsessed with jewelry and has one of the thinnest bodies I’ve seen on a male since everyone was posting those nude photos of Daniel Radcliffe on my Facebook wall. Speaking of which, why did y’all stop doing that?
Goofy
People have raised an eyebrow at this confirmed bachelor who’s been suspiciously single for as long as I can remember, but I can attest firsthand that he is indeed a Heterosexual. I’m not going into details on how I know this; just trust me, based solely on the fact that I haven’t been legally allowed into Disney World since 1992.
See how easy that is? Try it for yourself! Open up your favorite book, or turn on your favorite cartoon and hone your Heterosexual-Watching skills all from the comfort of your own home!
Ding-Dong! Who’s there? Oh! It’s another pop quiz!
The Heterosexual SAT #4:
Multiple Choice
In this pop quiz, you’ll be answering questions related to chapters you’ve read thus far. I sure hope you’ve been paying attention, or else everyone you know will be extremely disappointed in you, starting first with me. Let’s begin.
EXAMPLE:
For Christmas, it is tradition to decorate:
A.A pumpkin.
B.A tree.
C.A lady who could really benefit from having bangs.
D.The inside of your mouth with glitter.
Answer: B
1. Which one of these habitats did I not mention as a popular Heterosexual Habitat?
A.Major metropolitan areas.
B.Rural areas.
C.Kevin Spacey’s pool house.
D.Suburbia.
2. How would you rate this author’s writing style?
A.Boring.
B.Moderately entertaining.
C.The worst ever
.
D.Scary, it was so good. Like really. I’m going to have to sleep with the lights on tonight.
3. Which one of these people is not a Heterosexual you should know?
A.Julia Roberts.
B.Sandra Bullock.
C.The creator of Mad About You.
D.Barack Obama.
4. Which one of these can you not do in the Heterosexual migration spot Las Vegas?
A.See topless showgirls.
B.Enjoy the musical styling of Shania Twain.
C.Indulge in all-you-can-eat crab legs.
D.Find anyone who has ever read Wuthering Heights.
5. Which one of these names sounds the least Heterosexual?
A.Stacey.
B.Rachel.
C.Bart.
D.Taylor Lautner.
6. Choosy Moms choose what?
A.Juice.
B.Jif.
C.Gin.
D.Jury duty.
7. Which one of these movies has every Heterosexual seen?
A.Bring It On Again.
B.Titanic.
C.Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure.
D.Hot Cowboy Studs III.
8. If I were a Heterosexual Female, which one of these men would I want to marry?
A.Ryan Gosling.
B.Channing Tatum.
C.Matthew McConaughey.
D.Alexander Skarsgard.
(Hint: There is no wrong answer.)
9. Who is the no. 1 most important Heterosexual alive today?
A.The kid from Boy Meets World.
B.Sherri Shepherd.
C.Meryl Streep.
D.Oprah.
10. Which one of these things is the appropriate thing to say to a Heterosexual Female after she’s had a baby?
A.“You look like John Travolta in Hairspray!”
B.“Are you going to keep it?”
C.“Your baby is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!”
D.“When was the last time you showered?”
ANSWERS:
1. C; 2. D; 3. C; 4. D; 5. D; 6. B; 7. B; 8. All answers are correct; 9. C; 10. C
*I make up this 1%.
*Fun fact about Showgirls star Elizabeth Berkley, whom we also know and love from Saved by the Bell. Just about every day in Los Angeles, you can drive by the same café on Melrose in West Hollywood and spot Elizabeth in full hair and makeup sitting at a laptop. One assumes she’s either writing, or simply displaying herself to passing Homosexuals as her own form of community service. Either way, we all appreciate it.
*Tom Hanks is the greatest actor in the history of all Heterosexual Cinema, and I will fight anyone who wants to argue otherwise. You got that, Robert Downey Jr.?!
*I suppose we’ve reached the point in the book when I need to address my lingering hostility toward Hilary Swank. It’s obvious, but no one is acknowledging it, like how Coke Zero is actually better than original Coke, so at this point there’s no reason to even sell original Coke. Hilary Swank simply rubs me the wrong way; I’m sorry, but she does. It also doesn’t help that she’s stolen two Academy Awards from the ever-deserving, great Annette Bening. I don’t completely know what this has to do with Heterosexuals except that Hilary is famous and identifies as Heterosexual, though, I think it’s safe to say we all have an eyebrow raised.
*Katherine Heigl was briefly one of the most prominently beloved movie stars of the Heterosexual species. The Heterosexual first became famous when she appeared on the television show Grey’s Anatomy, a weekly hour of television that most Heterosexuals describe as “riveting,” “beautiful,” and “endlessly relatable.” On that show, Katherine Heigl appeared as a sassy but gorgeous female doctor working in a fast-paced Seattle hospital. Things you can expect to hear Heterosexuals say about Katherine Heigl include: “She’s just like my sister-in-law Pam.” (Said by your office mate with the Vampire Diaries daily desk calendar.) “I think she’s hot.” (Said by someone’s boyfriend.) “27 Dresses was like my biography!” (Said by Lisa, your alcoholic hairdresser cousin from Tampa, Florida.)
*This percentage is made up of Sigourney Weaver’s husband, Jim Simpson, and a handful of sci-fi nerds who have never seen a naked woman in real life and most likely never will.
*Neil Patrick Harris doesn’t have a monthly newsletter or, if he does, I’m not on his mailing list, which, to be honest, is a very likely possibility.
*The reviewer didn’t say that, as far as I know, but there’s always a chance.
Heterosexual Calls
JUST LIKE BIRDS, DEER, WHALES, AND PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH, Heterosexuals have very distinct communication patterns, and, oftentimes, in order to get a Heterosexual’s attention, you will need to use the language and calls that are native to their species. Before we discuss the best ways to communicate with a Heterosexual, you must first understand their language itself. Use the following glossary as a reference point any time you’re attempting to communicate with a Heterosexual.
The Heterosexual Glossary
Bro noun. A slang term that is short for brother, but does not mean one’s actual brother. Heterosexuals are very capable people, frequently shortening key words in an effort to achieve verbal efficiency. However, the term sis is a lot less popular when referring to Heterosexual Females, and if you refer to a female as “sister,” she will automatically assume that you think she’s either (A) a nun or (B) a Sassy Black Lady (page 63). Not dissing either, by the way.
Cougar noun. A popular term given to Heterosexual Females of a certain age who enjoy the company of younger men. It should be noted that there is no comparable term for Heterosexual Males who do the same thing. Except maybe “that creep who looks like Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell who is always trying to buy me drinks at the bar in the Roosevelt Hotel” or Donald Trump.
Diaper Genie noun. This one really threw me for a loop the first few times I heard it. I know what you’re thinking, and before you say anything, no, a Diaper Genie is nothing like Robin Williams’s character in Aladdin, nor does it have anything to do with the popular 1960s Barbara Eden sitcom I Dream of Jeannie. This Genie is a piece of equipment with no magical ability. However, it is beloved by Heterosexual parents for sealing a baby’s dirty diapers so one’s house doesn’t smell like the Porta-Potties at Burning Man.
Divorce noun. Heterosexuals have the nationwide right to be legally married. It is a privilege that they do not take lightly; however, along with it comes the staggeringly popular process known as divorce. I am a child of divorce, by which I mean I was a kid when Brad Pitt divorced Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, and I have the emotional scars to prove it. In a divorce, assets are legally divided, alimony is paid, and if children are involved, parental rights become an issue. Divorce is one of the more heartbreaking experiences a Heterosexual might go through, next to the death of a beloved pet or vacationing in Arkansas.
Friends with Benefits pl. noun. The way a friends-with-benefits situation works is that two people, who happen to be friends, have a sexual relationship that does not stray from what happens between the sheets. These friends might go to baseball games together, attend the same game nights, and even cohost dual birthday parties, but no matter how romantic their friendship might seem on the surface, they are simply two Heterosexuals partaking in a consensual, strictly sexual relationship with no plans to alter it whatsoever.* It is similar to the relationship gay men have with everyone they know.
“Getting m’hair done” verb. With the exception of bald people and weirdos who grow their hair really long and work as bar wenches at renaissance fairs, all of us get our hair cut, but Heterosexual Females make the process a much bigger deal than anyone else. A Heterosexual Female plans her hair appointment weeks in advance, sometimes months, and, once there, the process can take upwards of three hours, leaving the males of the species to wander around the mall and try to find ways to kill three hours in the massage chairs at Brookstone.
Jerk noun. A term Heterosexual Females and I use to describe recording artist
Chris Brown.
Kenny G noun. A popular musician within the Heterosexual community, this saxophone player has served as the soundtrack to many a Heterosexual romantic evening. Besides playing the saxophone, he’s also known for having pretty much the exact same hairdo as Andie MacDowell.
MILF noun. A commonly used term of desire among Heterosexual Males who enjoy the company of slightly older females, preferably those raising families. MILF stands for “Mom I’d Like to Fuck,” and I can confidently say it is a word I’ve never and doubt I will ever say out loud. Unless I end up recording an audio version of this book, in which case, you just listened to what I said and the previous statements hold no truth, plus, you’re probably thinking I have a great speaking voice and wondering if I sing, too, in which case, thank you and yes. Noted MILFs include Jessica Simpson, Teri Hatcher, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Gwen Stefani, Demi Moore, Heidi Klum, and my aunt Kay.
Minivan noun. Driven by both Heterosexual Parents and Heterosexual Perverts alike.
“M’truck” noun. A commonly used term among Heterosexual Males, referring to their form of transportation. When a Heterosexual Male drives a truck, he will never address it as “my green 2012 Ford F-150” or whatever other model it might be; he will always simply call it “m’truck.”
Muddin’ verb. This is a popular activity among Heterosexuals living in rural areas where one can visit vast tracts of land in m’truck, and drive around in circles, causing m’truck to slide all over the place and mud to go everywhere. The appeal of this activity has been argued by many in my field, but it makes Heterosexuals so darn happy that there’s no chance it will be discontinued any time soon.
My Girlfriend noun. You obviously know what a girlfriend is. If you don’t, put this book down, go watch any romantic comedy ever made, then come back and we’ll talk. However, oftentimes you’ll hear this term used by a Heterosexual Female referring to another Heterosexual Female or the plural girlfriends, referring to an entire group of other Heterosexual Females. No, this does not mean you’re speaking to a lesbian;* the Heterosexual Female simply uses these words as a term of endearment** to refer to her closest female friends. The same rule does not apply to the males of the species. If you hear a Heterosexual Male referring to his friend as his boyfriend, he is most certainly not a Heterosexual Male, and if he’s cute, please tell him I said hi and to follow me on Instagram.
