‘She’ll never have any more, you know,’ Leah put in. ‘She’s going to wish and wish she hadn’t let him go.’
‘Leave it, Leah,’ Hannah said sharply. ‘She’s made up her mind.’ Then, more softly: ‘My dear, you have your own life. You must try to let go and forget about it.’
‘You’re as bad as all the others.’ Leah sprang to her feet, her eyes bright and her cheeks burning. ‘You don’t give a damn really, do you? None of you gives a tuppenny bloody damn.’ She ran out of the cafe, snatching up her coat and bag as she went. People turned to look at the striking dark girl running down the street as though the hounds of hell were at her heels. Finally out of breath, she came to a halt at a bus stop and clambered aboard a bus heading for Notting Hill. Throwing herself into a vacant seat she fumbled with trembling fingers in her bag for the fare, hot tears scalding her eyes and blurring her vision. Is there anyone left in the world who knows what love means? she asked herself. Is there anyone who really cares?
*
As Hannah pushed open the smoked glass door of ‘The Greenway’ she had very little hope of finding Marie still there. Her quick glance round the discreetly lit reception foyer revealed nothing. She walked across to the reception desk.
‘A Mrs Marie Evans was here earlier this morning,’ she said. ‘I wonder — is she still here? She may have booked in for the night, or she might be having lunch.’
The girl smiled. ‘I’ll just check for you, Madam.’ She ran a finger down the register and shook her head. ‘She hasn’t booked in.’ She picked up the house telephone. ‘I’ll get them to see if she’s in the restaurant.’
As she replaced the receiver she said: ‘I think I remember the lady. Someone was asking for her this morning — a young lady. I paged her.’
‘That’s right. She’s probably left by now,’ Hannah said. ‘I didn’t even know she was in Town today, but when I heard I thought there might be a chance she was still here.’
The girl looked past Hannah, her face brightening as she saw someone crossing the foyer. ‘Ah, you’re in luck,’ she said. ‘I think this is the lady you’re asking for now.’
Hannah turned and saw Marie coming towards her. ‘Marie! So you are still here. I’m so glad I caught you.’
‘Another moment and I would have gone,’ Marie said. ‘I’ve just finished lunch. I was planning to catch an early train home. It’s lovely to see you, Hannah. But how did you know where to find me?’
‘I saw Leah at the hospital. She told me she rang you, and that you and she met here this morning.’
‘Ah — yes, I see.’ Marie looked depressed. ‘I’m afraid it all went wrong, Hannah. When she telephoned me yesterday she sounded so desperate, but she told me nothing except that Sarah was very ill. I came without knowing what she expected of me. It was all such a shock. I’m afraid I disappointed her.’
‘It was wrong of her not to put you in the picture.’
Marie shook her head. ‘She was worried, poor girl. At her wits’ end. I was very touched that she should call on me. And now I’m afraid she feels I’ve let her down badly.’
Hannah took her arm. ‘Look, do you have to catch that early train? Have you got time for a talk?’
‘Oh, yes please. I’d like to,’ Marie said gratefully.
*
An hour later the two women arrived at the hospital and went up to the women’s surgical ward. Sally was out of bed this afternoon and sitting in a chair. She looked small and frail, almost childlike, and when Hannah appeared her eyes clouded with dread.
She put out a reassuring hand. ‘Sally, it’s all right, I haven’t come to nag you again,’ she said. ‘I’ve brought someone to see you. This is my friend, Marie Evans. She is in London for the day. I ran into her and I thought you two might like to meet. I can’t stay so I’ll leave you together.’ She hurried off, leaving Marie and Sally looking warily at each other.
Sally was the first to speak. Clearing her throat, she said: ‘Do please sit down. It’s good of you to spend your day out visiting me. I’m afraid I’m not very good company at the moment. I’m sure you’d rather be looking at the shops.’
‘Not at all.’ Marie could hardly take her eyes off the girl. Looking at her, she saw herself twenty years ago. Her heart turned over and she felt her throat constrict. It was as though her own tragedy were being replayed right before her eyes. She reached out a hand to the girl in the chair.
‘Sarah — Sally, how are you?’
‘I’m improving, I think.’ Sally frowned, puzzled at the woman’s use of her formal name, and her emotional reaction. ‘Hannah didn’t introduce us properly. She said you were a friend of hers?’
‘A friend, yes. A very old friend.’ Marie moistened her dry lips and felt her heartbeat quicken as she said: ‘Sally — I’m someone who knew you a very long time ago. You won’t remember but I wonder — can you guess — do you have any idea who I am?’
‘You’re — you’re not my mother?’
‘Yes.’
For a long, stunned moment they stared at each other, then Sally said with a nervous little laugh: ‘It’s funny, I’ve never been in the least curious about you. Not till a few days ago. Not since …’
‘Since you had the baby,’ Marie completed the sentence for her. ‘That’s very natural. You’re having him adopted, I hear.’
‘Yes.’ Sally looked away, her eyes troubled. ‘They all think I don’t want him — don’t care,’ she said. ‘They think I’m being selfish. It isn’t like that.’
‘I understand.’
‘Do you?’ Sally looked up. ‘I thought it all out a long time ago, you see, when I first knew. I’d have had an abortion if I hadn’t cared, but no one seems to see that. No one need ever have known if I’d been allowed to do things my own way, but once they knew they started pulling me this way and that. Trying to make me change my mind. Trying to talk me out of it. I’ve always known what was right, both for me and the baby. This way no one need be hurt. If only they wouldn’t interfere so.’
‘I know, I know,’ Marie said soothingly. ‘I imagine it must be even harder for you than it was for me. I had no other option, you see. I had no family — no one at all to turn to for help. All along I’d been determined to keep my baby, but when I had two instead of one I knew I was defeated. There was nothing else I could do. But for you the decision must have been agony.’
‘It’s the first decision I’ve ever made for myself,’ Sally said slowly. ‘My parents — the couple who adopted me — refused to realise that I’d grown up. They insisted on making all my decisions for me. When I discovered I was pregnant I knew that this was something I had to handle alone, get through in my own way.’ She searched Marie’s eyes. ‘You think I’m doing the right thing then?’
‘The baby’s father,’ Marie said tentatively. ‘Does he know?’
Sally shook her head. ‘There’s no question of involving him. It was all a horrible mistake. Please don’t ask me about it.’
Marie nodded. ‘Well, you’ve obviously thought it out in a very adult way. Now you must stick to your guns and do what you think best.’
‘It is best, isn’t it?’ Sally said, her eyes imploring.
‘If you believe it’s best, then it is. After all, those who want you to re-think won’t be affected, will they? It’s the next twenty years of your life, Sally. Maybe even longer. You must choose. But having said that, I do think that your parents have a right to know about it at some stage though.’
‘I’ll tell them,’ Sally promised. ‘Sometime. Later.’ She reached out a hand. ‘Thank you.’
Marie looked surprised. ‘For what?’
‘For your support — for being on my side — for taking away some of the guilt. They wanted me to see the baby. To have him with me for a week before the final decision. Can you imagine what that would have done to me?’
‘Yes,’ Marie nodded sadly. ‘Oh, yes, I can.’
‘All I want now is to be well enough to get out of here
and back to work. To start again.’
‘But you mustn’t go back too soon, my dear,’ Marie said. ‘You should really have a holiday first. Get your strength back. You’ve had major surgery.’
‘That’s not possible, I’m afraid.’
‘Oh, but it is.’ Marie was seized with a sudden impulse — one which excited her as she explained: ‘Listen. I run a hotel down in Dorset. We aren’t busy at the moment. You can come and stay if you like when they let you out of hospital. Even a week would make all the difference, but two would be even better.’
Sally looked doubtful. ‘But your husband — family? What would they say?’
Marie had already thought of this. ‘There’s only my father-in-law,’ she said. ‘My husband doesn’t get home very often. We have several other hotels, you see. In any case, if you agree we’ll pretend you’re a friend. Would you mind that?’
‘No. I’m sure it would be best,’ Sally said.
Marie smiled. ‘So it’s arranged then? I’ll drive up and collect you if you let me know when you’re coming out.’ She opened her handbag and produced a card. ‘This is the address and my number.’
Sally took the card and glanced at it, her cheeks growing pink with pleasure. ‘Well, if you’re really sure?'
‘Believe me, I’ve never been more sure about anything.’
‘All right then — yes. I’d love to come.’ Sally paused. ‘Could we — could we keep this to ourselves?’ she asked. ‘I’ve a horrible feeling that if we tell anyone they might start trying to talk us out of it again.’
‘Just as you say. It will be just between ourselves.’ Marie got up and bent to kiss Sally’s cheek. She’d dreamed so many times of something like this happening, ‘I can’t tell you how happy this makes me,’ she said softly. ‘I know we’re going to be good friends, Sally.’
She smiled up into Marie’s face. ‘I know we are too,’ she said.
As Marie left the hospital and headed for Waterloo station she felt happier than she had for a long time. Sarah, her own daughter, was coming to stay with her. She could hardly believe it. She was actually going to be able to help her after all. It was like the answer to all her prayers. At home, in the peace and quiet, she could tell Sarah her story — about Liam and his betrayal, about her struggle to live down the stigma of her unjust conviction and prison sentence, and her heart-wrenching decision to part with her babies. Together they would forge a bond that would last a lifetime.
When Leah had walked out of the hotel earlier this morning, her face sharp with bitterness, and anger in every movement, Marie had felt such an acute sense of failure. She would have left the hotel immediately and set out for home if it hadn’t been for a chance encounter with a stranger, a woman who had spoken to her just as she was about to get up from the table.
‘Excuse me, but are you all right?’
Looking up in surprise she’d seen an attractive blonde woman standing at her side. ‘Yes, thank you. I was just …’
‘Forgive me for asking, but I couldn’t help seeing your friend leave.’ The woman slid into the seat that Leah had vacated. ‘Or was it your daughter?’
Marie nodded. ‘Yes. My daughter.’
‘They can be so headstrong at that age. My sister has three so I know what I’m talking about. They can break your heart at times.’
‘I’m sure you’re right.’
The waitress appeared and the woman ordered a gin and tonic. She looked at Marie. ‘Please, will you join me? You look as though you could do with something stronger than coffee.’
Marie looked at her watch. She had missed the twelve o’clock train anyway. She looked again at the persuasive, smiling face. ‘Well, all right, thank you. Perhaps I will.’
The gin, and the woman’s relaxing conversation, seemed to ease her tension and Marie slowly began to unwind. She found herself talking — about Evans Hotels and how she had helped David to start the business. She had touched briefly on the unhappiness of her marriage after the woman had confided that she was divorced. It was so easy to talk to this friendly stranger. She told Marie that she’d had bad luck with her relationships with men. Her divorce had been devastating and a recent affair had ended in heartbreak. They talked on. The woman had drawn her out and Marie had even found herself hinting at those dark years in her past when she believed there could be no future for her. It helped so much to tell someone she would never see again about the illegitimate twin daughters she had given up at birth and found again only today. Found and lost, it seemed, all in one fell swoop.
By the time the woman, whom she knew only as Janet, had left, Marie felt so much better. Their brief meeting had lifted her spirits far more than Father Jonathan’s biased counselling. Her uncertainties and doubts smoothed out, she decided to write to Leah again and try to explain to her why she had felt unable to offer help. Then, as she was leaving, she found Hannah waiting for her in Reception. Yes, the day that had begun so badly had ended well after all.
*
Leah ran up the stairs and closed the door of her room. Throwing her coat and bag into a corner she threw herself on to the bed and rolled into a ball. She’d made such a mess of it. The same mess she made of everything. ‘You have your own life,’ Hannah had said. It was just another way of saying, ‘Keep your nose out of other people’s business.’ When would she learn that she wasn’t needed? Getting yourself into a state like that, she said through clenched teeth. Making a fool of yourself about something that doesn’t concern you. Then she thought of the baby again and her throat constricted. What would become of him? Poor little scrap. Why was it so wrong of her to feel responsible for him — to want him to have a future?
Suddenly the sound of music made her start. She had thought she was alone in the house. She sat up and listened. It was coming from Terry’s room and she recognised the familiar opening track of A New Flame, his favourite Simply Red album. Getting off the bed she went out on to the landing. The door to the room Sally had occupied until Christmas Day was ajar. Holding her breath she pushed it open.
‘Terry?’
He turned, a broad grin splitting his face. ‘Hi. I didn’t hear you come in.’ The sight of him made her heart leap with joy.
‘Oh, Tel!’ She launched herself at him, throwing her arms round his neck till her feet left the floor. ‘Oh, Tel, I’ve missed you so much.’
He held her close, flattered and touched by her exuberant welcome. ‘I’ve missed you too. Manchester has been bloody cold, in more ways than one.’
She leaned back to look at him, then kissed him full on the mouth. ‘Terry Grant, you’re the best Christmas present I’ve ever had. Are you here to stay?’
He shook his head, holding her away from him.
‘’Fraid not, love. I worked over Christmas so I’ve got a couple of days off due. I thought I’d like to spend them with you.’
‘What about your father?’
‘He’s fine now. Gone off with some friends to relax in the sun. One of those senior citizens’ winter sunshine trips, which left me free to succumb to this irresistible urge to come and see you.’
‘It must have been telepathy.’ She laughed. ‘You must have guessed how much I needed you.’
He sensed an underlying note of desperation in the words. ‘What’s wrong, Leah?’ He searched her eyes.
She began haltingly to relate the events of the past days — her aborted meeting with her mother and her row with Sally the first time they met, the closing of Bella’s Ristorante, rendering her once more unemployed. As she reached the climax, Christmas Day and the birth of Sally’s baby, the words tumbled over one another and her bruised emotions threatened to get the better of her. When she had finished he shook his head.
‘But why have you never mentioned any of this on the phone?’
She shrugged. ‘What was the point? There was nothing you could do. And you were worried about your father too.’
‘I think you’re about due for some better luck.’
‘
I thought I was getting it when Hannah managed to persuade Sally to spend Christmas with me here and it all began so well. When the baby was born I tried to get hold of Hannah, but she was away so in desperation I rang Marie yesterday.’ When he looked blank she added: ‘Marie Evans. Our natural mother.’
His eyebrows rose. ‘Really? That must have taken some heart-searching.’
‘Not enough, as it happened,’ she said wryly.
Terry took her hands and drew her down to sit beside him on the bed. ‘So there’s more? Go on, tell me what happened?’
Leah shrugged. ‘She agreed to come at once — today. I was so pleased about it. But it was awful, Terry. All my fault. I blew the whole thing, as usual. I just naturally assumed she’d agree with me about the baby, but she didn’t. I thought she’d help me convince Sally not to give him up, but I was wrong. Then later, when I went to see Sally at the hospital, Hannah was there. She agreed with what Marie had said. The sum of what they were both saying was that I should mind my own business.’ She looked up at him appealingly. ‘And now I expect you’re going to tell me they were right?’
‘Oh, Leah.’ Terry looked down at her with exasperation tempered with tenderness. ‘What am I going to do with you?’ He pulled her close. ‘I daresay they are probably right, you know, love. It’s not your problem really, is it?’
She leaned against him, relieved to be able to give in just for a moment — grateful for his strength and masculinity. ‘No. But the point is, if we’d ever been a proper family it would have been, wouldn’t it?’ she said. ‘I’d have had a right to my say then.’ She looked up at him. ‘All my life has been geared to finding my mother. It isn’t easy now that I’ve found her and Sally to acknowledge the fact that they’re just two ordinary people that I might meet in the street; that they don’t — perhaps never will — see me as daughter or sister. I thought that finding my mother would give me a sense of identity. It was all going to be so wonderful. But now that it’s happened, I don’t feel I belong to her any more than I did to Jack and Hilary.’
The Long Way Home: A moving saga of lost family Page 36
