by Alec Birri
Tony reached for the tea pot. ‘We do, if you think about it. There’s always some new medical advance to make you live longer.’ He pointed at Dan. ‘You’re a classic example.’
Tony refilled his mug and Dan’s spirits lifted – he hoped what had happened to him and the others was about to be revealed. It wasn’t.
‘Without the regular testing of new drugs and procedures, you’d be dead by now – it’s as simple as that.’
Dan tried not to look too disappointed. He put on his glasses and studied his hands again. ‘Just tell me I’m going to wake up one day and all this will be back to normal.’
‘Still think you’re in a dream?’
Dan’s response was instant. ‘No – a nightmare.’
Tony adopted a look that Dan had seen enough of by now to know his friend’s next statement would either be a manipulated truism or an outright lie. Dan was still surprised by it, though.
‘I guarantee you’ll be back to normal.’
Tony sat back. He looked a bit too pleased with himself for Dan’s liking.
‘Sorry to sound ungrateful, Tony, but I’d rather hear that from someone a bit more qualified.’
‘Doctor Adams would say exactly the same.’
‘I very much doubt it and, even if he did, it would just be a ruse to get me to restart the medication he’s so fond of.’ Dan’s eyes glazed over. ‘Why was I even allowed to refuse the red pill?’
Tony didn’t answer and rotated the bezel of his watch unnecessarily.
Dan regarded the E-type again. He thought of what had been done to increase its speed. ‘Am I involved in some kind of clinical trial?’
Tony still said nothing.
Dan pressed the issue. ‘Is the red pill experimental? That would certainly explain why I had the choice to refuse it – it’s yet to be certified for general use. But why all the cloak and dagger nonsense? I don’t believe for one second it’s to ensure my memories are “real”.’ He turned that over in his head before coming to a conclusion. ‘It’s classified, isn’t it?’
Tony looked at his watch. ‘We’d better get going.’
Dan laughed.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘I was just thinking how worried I was about divulging the clandestine nature of my non-existent flying mission, and yet here I am, in the middle of a real government cover-up.’
Tony checked to see if anyone was listening. Dan stopped chuckling. ‘Are the two connected in some way?’
Tony looked at his watch again. Dan reached out and put a hand over it.
‘They are, aren’t they?’
Tony pulled his hand away, took some cash out of his wallet and left it on the table.
The journey back commenced in silence. Dan glanced across at the speedometer which was reading a not-unsurprising fifty miles per hour. He broke the silence.
‘Let’s play a game – I’ll tell you what I think is going on and all you have to do is say nothing to confirm it or make something up to prove I’m still right.’
Tony didn’t respond to the light-hearted attempt at getting to the truth. He appeared to be uncomfortable. Dan made a start on his thesis.
‘I don’t think I or anybody else has been in an accident that causes burns – fire or chemical.’
Tony fixed his eyes on the road while Dan continued.
‘I think what we’re actually suffering from is the condition referred to in the patient files.’
Tony remained silent, although a constant change of grip on the steering wheel betrayed a need to be somewhere else.
‘The hospital specialises in neurology, so the condition must be psychological.’
Still no response.
‘Some kind of mental condition that not only causes hallucinations, amnesia, and paranoia, but can also make dreams appear real and reality an illusion.’ He pulled down his sun visor and looked in the mirror. ‘It even has the power to make us think we all have burns and other accident injuries which, in my case, were the result of an imaginary aircraft crash.’
Tony kept his poker face. Dan moved from logic to speculation.
‘Now. Does this mean the trial of the red pill is going according to plan, or has it gone disastrously wrong?’ He peered at Tony – still nothing. ‘I’m willing to bet it’s the latter, which is why I chose to stop taking it. That would explain why I’m not so horrified by my appearance any more. It’s improving because now I’ve ceased the medication, the psychosis it causes is subsiding. You even told me just now you could guarantee my recovery back to normal. By refusing to take the pill, I’ve effectively taken myself off the trial, so that’s bound to happen.’
Tony remained impassive.
‘The question is: what was the pill supposed to do?’ Dan thought more about their conversation at breakfast. ‘You also said: “There’s always some new medical advance to make you live longer.” Is that what this is all about? Is that what the pill was meant to do, and now that it’s all gone wrong the hospital is keen to keep a lid on it?’
Tony pulled the car over and stopped. Without saying a word, he got out and walked a few paces further up the road. He lit a cigarette.
Dan wondered if he was a smoker and had forgotten that too.
Tony took a couple of deep puffs before walking back to the passenger side of the car. He motioned Dan to wind down the window before finally breaking his silence.
‘Have you had any thoughts of suicide or felt you’d be perfectly happy to die?’
Dan tried not to look shocked at the question and lied. ‘No, why?’
Tony walked another few yards in the opposite direction. Dan adjusted the rear-view mirror to see Tony inhale two more puffs. The suicide question and Dan’s subsequent denial of it made him nervous, but not as much as Tony clearly was. He returned to the car and got in.
‘The red pill is experimental and you are all involved in a clinical trial.’ Tony restarted the engine. ‘But it’s not what you think it is.’
They continued their journey. But for the suicide question, Dan would have punched the air. He tried to appear nonchalant about it.
‘Why did you ask me if I’d had any thoughts of suicide?’
Tony sang like a canary. Whatever had held his tongue for the last few miles didn’t seem to matter any more or, if it did, he didn’t care.
‘You all have a psychological condition the red pill is designed to cure.’ He corrected Dan. ‘And it is working.’ Tony focussed his attention back to the road ahead. ‘The trouble is, before patients get better, it exacerbates the original illness, to the point where some kind of paranoid schizophrenia gives rise to obsessive thoughts of suicide.’ He reached across, grabbed Dan’s arm by the cast and lifted it to his face. ‘What were your immediate thoughts when you first saw your hands?’
Dan didn’t need to think twice. ‘I wanted to die.’
‘And have you had similar thoughts since?’
Dan wondered if he should come clean, but decided to maintain the lie. ‘No.’
Tony hadn’t finished. ‘The scary thing is, patients actually become comfortable with thoughts of suicide, to the extent they genuinely believe it’s a natural thing to do.’
It was Dan’s turn to remain silent. Tony appeared to change the subject.
‘Has your hallucination said anything?’
Dan was confused. ‘Brian? What about him?’
‘Hallucinations can act as a kind of comfort blanket during the healing process. Something like a close friend, favourite uncle – even a toy the patient was once close to. The problem is that the support mechanism backfires spectacularly if it ends up encouraging suicide instead.’
Dan looked over his shoulder. Brian made a hand gesture to show he thought Tony was the one with the psychological conditi
on.
‘Brian’s been fine. Very supportive of my recovery, actually.’
Tony was still concerned. ‘Just be prepared for him to be supportive in a different way if you start seeing suicide as a natural way out of your illness.’
Dan was staggered at just how natural the feeling was. He knew the moment he first saw the tractor he would have been happy to die then – even with the thought of leaving behind a wife and daughter he loved very much. In fact, they were the only thing that stopped him from grabbing the steering wheel and ending it all right now – Dan wanted to ensure their physical and financial security first.
Brian leaned forward and whispered in Dan’s ear. ‘Don’t worry, mate. I won’t let you go until that’s sorted.’
Dan felt reassured by that, but knew Tony would be horrified.
‘So, if the pill’s a success and not a failure, why all the subterfuge? Why not just tell patients thoughts of suicide are a side-effect that needs to be managed while they recover?’
‘I’m no shrink, but my guess is you don’t tell someone about to jump off a bridge to manage their situation. You either grab them, distract them or both. From what I understand, the hospital’s version of that is to keep you all under close supervision, while encouraging your thoughts to take an interest elsewhere.’
Tony explained why Dan had been lied to from day one. ‘The condition causes confusion, memory loss, and suspicion anyway – throw a few half-truths and lies in and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a conspiracy to develop. A patient obsessing with that is infinitely preferable to one planning a suicide.’
It seemed plausible, but Dan still wasn’t convinced. ‘Isn’t there a danger that that could actually increase thoughts of suicide?’
‘There is, but crucially, it buys time for the red pill to do its stuff, so hopefully things don’t get that far.’
Dan’s paranoia made sure he was suspicious of Tony’s motives. ‘Why have you suddenly decided to tell me all this? You could easily have remained silent on the way back to the hospital and I’d be none the wiser.’
Tony laughed. ‘What I say or do is academic, because you’ll just assume it’s part of the conspiracy or forget everything I say anyway.’ He glanced at Dan. ‘My money’s on the latter.’
Dan said nothing and waited for Tony to answer the question. ‘Because I now realise there’s an unknown issue with you – you’re the only patient to refuse the red pill. That wasn’t thought to be a problem as far as suicidal thoughts are concerned – coming off it should theoretically reduce them, but the incident with the tractor earlier, and your indifference to it, now that’s something I’m pretty sure is new.’
Tony became more serious. ‘Suppose turning reality into a dream is just another way for your mind to convince you to end it all subconsciously? Supposing you had been driving the car? Whatever the side-effects of the red pill, I think we need to convince you to start taking it again and as soon as possible. If that means telling you the truth from now on, then so be it.’ He smiled weakly at Dan. ‘Even if it does mean you’ll forget all about it five minutes later.’
It all made sense, but Dan was still sceptical. ‘Okay, but I want to be there when you repeat everything you’ve just said to Doctor Adams.’
Tony shrugged. ‘Suits me.’
They arrived back at the hospital and Dan felt well enough to make his own way from the car park. Tracy was waiting when they got to his room.
‘There you are. Take these.’
She held up Dan’s daily pill quota and, after checking the red pill wasn’t hiding somewhere, he swallowed them. There was something striking about Tracy’s appearance, and Dan was about to ask if she was wearing make-up, when Doctor Adams walked through the door.
Tony was keen to discuss what had been said in the car, but the doctor was typically aloof and raised a hand. The standard questions were then reeled off to Dan. He thought he’d responded to them all correctly, but was stumped by an event that apparently ended with a window being broken. Adams made his usual notes before turning to Tony.
‘Is there something you wish to add?’
True to his word, Tony repeated everything as promised. The doctor’s eyes widened with disapproval, but his expression changed when details of the tractor incident were revealed. Adams closed the door.
‘You lied to Tony about not feeling suicidal any more, didn’t you?’
Dan was ashamed at having deceived his friend. ‘I’m really sorry, Tony, but I was desperate to know everything and was afraid you’d just clam up again.’
If Tony felt betrayed, he didn’t show it. He implored the doctor. ‘But how can that be? Dan ceased taking his medication weeks ago. Surely the thoughts of suicide should be reducing? Can’t you do something?’
The doctor was busy writing. He finished.
‘I’m afraid we’re going to have to put you on suicide watch.’
The sound of that worried Dan. ‘What does that entail?’
‘Nothing too onerous – you won’t be allowed to leave the hospital and an orderly will be posted outside your door.’ He looked at Tony. ‘You’re right. This is something new. Nobody else involved in the trial has ever thought reality was a dream – not even the control group.’
Both Dan and Tony said it in unison. ‘Control group?’
Adams explained. ‘All medical trials involve a separate group of patients with the same medical condition being given a placebo instead of the test drug. Everything else is the same. It’s done so the outcome can be more accurately judged. If both group results are identical, then we know the drug has no effect, but if the experiment group shows improvement, then it must be successful.
‘That said, there’s obviously something different going on with a test subject who ceases to take the drug halfway through the trial, and we need to investigate that.’ He softened his tone. ‘I would have preferred to continue with encouraging you to recover your own thoughts, but given what Tony has described, that would be pointless now.’
Adams moved closer to Dan and picked up the red pill he’d left on the bedside table. ‘I’ve always encouraged you to restart taking this because you were making good progress with it, but you’re under no obligation to continue if you don’t want to. However, given the incident with the tractor and your contentment with thoughts of your own death, I think it’s imperative you restart the medication as soon as possible.’
Dan regarded the pill with disdain before shaking his head.
Adams lowered his voice. ‘Dan, I think you should be prepared for your thoughts and visions to become further disconnected from reality. I’m not certain, but by discontinuing the red pill when you did, the increase in temporary psychosis it causes has not only been maintained, but is clearly worsening.’
He placed the pill back on the bedside table. ‘You’ve always wanted honesty, so I’ll make it as plain as I can. Unless you resume your medication, you’re highly likely to experience the worst horrors the mind can conjure.’ His lean towards Dan appeared to be calculated this time. ‘And whatever you think that may be, it’s nothing compared to what a dying brain can produce.’
Dan ignored him. He was thinking of how best to ready his estate for Claire and Lucy to inherit. He responded. ‘I know you all have my best interests at heart, but please believe me when I say I’ve made up my mind – I’m happy for nature to take its course. If that means I make a full recovery then so be it, but whatever the outcome, I’m certain I no longer want to be part of the trial. I’d be grateful if arrangements could be made for my discharge, so I can be with my family again.’
They all looked at each other. Adams explained the reality of that.
‘I’m afraid you can’t. The reason why you were suitable for the trial in the first place was because your mental condition made it impossible for you to lead a normal l
ife.’
Dan snapped at him. ‘Then all the more reason to end it.’ He addressed Tony next. ‘Can you get me a solicitor? I think I’m going to need one.’
Tony didn’t respond. Tracy wiped away a tear. The doctor broke the short silence that followed.
‘I’ll be in first thing tomorrow morning to see how you feel.’
Dan scoffed at the implication he might have changed his mind by then – the inability of others to understand his position irritated him. They left Dan on his own, but the door remained open and, a short while later, an orderly posted himself in the corridor just outside. Dan tutted.
Brian appeared. ‘Is he going to sit there all the time?’
The rediscovery of a piece of bacon wedged between his teeth made Dan wander over to the sink.
‘God knows. I wish I’d carried on lying now. It’s not as if I desperately want to end it all straight away – there’s too much to sort out with Claire and Lucy first.’ He picked up the toothbrush and toothpaste.
Brian seemed worried, but not for Dan or himself. ‘How are we going to break it to them?’
Dan dwelled on that for a moment. ‘Claire will understand, but Lucy won’t. Tony will make a good father, though.’
He was about to put the brush into his mouth when he remembered what had caused the window to break. He grasped the sink with both hands as the recollection filled him with rage. He was about to re-enact the scene that led up to the champagne bottle being thrown when he calmed. Dan sighed at the irony.
‘And to think I wanted to kill Tony this morning, when he’s just about the most important friend a man could have – someone to seamlessly take over when I’m gone.’
Dan cleaned his teeth. Brian looked into the mirror over his shoulder. Dan was struck by their similar appearance. Even through his injuries – imagined or not – they could almost be twins.
Brian was still worried. ‘Are we sure we’re doing the right thing? I mean, I know it feels okay and makes perfect sense, but nobody else seems to see it our way.’
