by Judi Curtin
‘I’ll ask her anyway,’ said Alice.
I shook my head.
‘Don’t bother. She’s with her friends. She won’t want to swap with me. It’s all fixed. Now go with your class, or you’ll get into trouble.’
Alice hugged me again.
‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘You’ll be fine.’
I couldn’t reply.
I wouldn’t be fine.
I wanted to run up to Mrs Kingston, get on my knees and beg her to put me into Alice’s class.
I wanted to sit on the floor and cry my eyes out.
I wanted to run home, throw myself into Mum’s arms, and forget all about stupid, stupid secondary school.
But I was thirteen.
I was supposed to be all grown up and sensible and brave.
So I tried very hard to smile at Alice and said, ‘Sure, I’ll be fine.’
I hugged her one more time.
‘See you later,’ said Alice.
Then she and Louise ran off after their class.
Mrs Kingston had come down from the stage. She looked at the group of us who were left standing around looking at each other.
‘You boys and girls who are left are Class M. Please follow me and I’ll take you to your classroom where your form tutor Mr Spillane is waiting for you.’
So I pinched myself very hard to make sure I didn’t cry and followed my new class out of the assembly hall.
It was half past nine on the most important day of my life, and already I hated secondary school.
Chapter three
Mrs Kingston flung open the door of the classroom.
‘Your new students are here, Mr Spillane,’ she announced.
Mr Spillane was sitting at the top of the classroom. He looked serious, but not too cross.
‘Welcome to secondary school,’ he said. ‘As it’s the first day, you can just sit wherever you like.’
Great.
He’d said the worst words in the world.
The words I had been dreading.
Now everyone in the class would think that I had no friends.
Friends at the other end of the school weren’t much use to me now.
Suddenly I heard a familiar voice.
‘Megan, over here!’
I quickly turned around and saw a girl called Jane, who had been in my class at primary school. She was sitting in one of the very front seats. She smiled at me, and patted the chair next to her.
‘This seat is free,’ she said.
I gulped. This was exactly like when I’d started sixth class, back when Alice was living in Dublin. A whole year had passed, but things were still the same. Jane was still such a loser that she didn’t even mind being a loser. I think she actually liked being a loser. And if I sat beside her, everyone would think I was a loser too.
So I pretended not to hear her, and walked the other way.
I know that was really mean of me.
I know I should have felt sorry for Jane.
But I couldn’t.
I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
I looked around desperately. I didn’t know any of the other girls in the room. There were a few boys I knew from primary school, but they were all together in a big huddle. One of them looked up and smiled at me. I smiled back, but I knew he wouldn’t want me hanging around with him.
I found an empty seat in the middle of the room and sat down. More people came into the classroom. Some looked at me for a second, and then they walked on, as if they’d just decided I wasn’t worth sitting next to. Maybe I shouldn’t have let Mum clip up my hair. Maybe it looked stupid. I wished I’d asked Alice what she thought. I wished I didn’t have to be on my own.
Then, when almost all of the seats were taken, a friendly-looking girl came along.
‘Can I sit here?’ she asked.
I was afraid to answer – afraid that she was talking to someone else. Then, when no one answered, I tried not to sound too happy.
‘Sure,’ I said.
‘I’m Kellie,’ she said as she put her bag on to the desk.
I found myself smiling at her. Maybe this wasn’t so hard after all.
‘I’m—’, I started to say, when there was a shout from the other side of the room.
‘Kellie. We’re over here. Come and sit with us. We’ve saved you a place.’
Kellie looked embarrassed.
‘Do you mind?’ she asked.
Of course I minded.
But what could I say?
I have no other friends?
Please sit down here?
Don’t leave me alone?
How sad would that sound?
So I smiled and said, ‘That’s OK,’ like I didn’t care one way or the other. Then Kellie picked up her bag and went to sit with her friends.
It looked like everyone had arrived, and the only empty seat was the one next to mine. Mr Spillane was talking to the principal, and everyone else except for me was chatting. At the front of the room, I could see that even Jane had found a friend, a serious-looking girl, just like herself.
I took out my homework diary and pretended to be really interested in reading the study tips on the front page. Then I heard footsteps. I looked up to see a totally cool boy. He was tall and thin, and his long, dark hair had a streak of purple down one side. He was wearing a school jumper and trousers, but his shirt was open at the neck, and he wasn’t wearing a tie.
‘That seat free?’ he said, pointing to the very free seat next to me.
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
He sat down, and I got the funny feeling that everyone was staring at him, and at me. Just then the principal left the room, and Mr Spillane asked us all to be quiet.
‘You should all have received a copy of the dress code, and I see that most of you have taken it on board.’
Then he pointed to the boy next to me.
‘You, young man, what’s your name?’
‘Marcus,’ he muttered.
‘Well, Marcus, it seems that your copy of the school dress code must have got lost in the post. Shirts are to be correctly closed, ties are required at all times, and purple hair simply isn’t allowed. Come and see me after class, please.’
‘OK,’ said Marcus.
I felt sorry for him. Imagine getting into trouble on your very first day.
Then Marcus turned to me and whispered, ‘He has got to be kidding. I’m expected to take clothes advice from someone wearing a jumper with dolphins on it?’
I giggled, but stopped when I realised that Mr Spillane was staring at me.
I might not have any friends, but at least with Marcus around I had a feeling that our class was going to be interesting.
* * *
It felt like a very long morning. We got long lectures about keeping our books in order, and about all kinds of school rules. We were shown our lockers and where to put our coats and our sports bags. We were shown the toilets, the lunch rooms, the principal’s office and the lost-property room. After a while it started to remind me of the forest in France where Alice and I had got lost last summer; there were so many corridors, and each one looked the same as all the others. I was sure I’d get lost and never be found again.
At last it was twelve o’clock, and we were allowed to go home.
It had been the longest three hours of my life.
* * *
I waited at the school gate for my friends. Grace arrived first, with two other girls.
‘Hi, Megan. This is Rebecca and this is Hannah,’ she said. ‘Rebecca is in my riding school, and Hannah is her friend. They’re both in my class.’
I couldn’t help feeling jealous. I had hoped Grace would understand how I felt about being in a class on my own, but already she had two friends. It was looking like I was going to be the only loner in the entire year.
Just then Alice and Louise arrived.
‘How did you get on?’ asked Alice. ‘Have you made any friends yet? Who did you sit beside?’
&n
bsp; At least I didn’t have to say that I’d sat on my own.
‘I sat with a boy called Marcus,’ I said casually.
‘Marcus? Not Marcus Wall?’ asked Louise in a shocked voice.
I shrugged.
‘Don’t know his second name.’
‘Is he skinny, and has he got long hair with purple bits in it?’ she continued.
I nodded.
‘That’s him.’
‘And you weren’t afraid?’
I looked at her in surprise.
‘Why should I be afraid?’ I asked.
‘Marcus lives on my road,’ she said. ‘He’s always in trouble. He’s really bad.’
I gulped. Marcus hadn’t seemed very scary when he was sitting next to me in class, but now I was starting to wonder if I’d missed something.
Then I noticed something strange. Because of Marcus, everyone had forgotten about me. No one need know that I had no real friends. As long as Marcus was around, maybe no one would guess that I was a loner.
Chapter four
Next morning Alice and I walked to school together again. Once more we passed our old primary school, and once more, part of me wished we could still go there. Part of me even wished I could be inside in my old classroom being bullied by Melissa (the meanest girl from our old class.)
When we got to our new school, I stopped at the front door for a second. I pretended I was tying my shoe-lace, but really I was trying to find the courage to go inside. Now that the older students were back, school seemed even scarier than before. Big boys who looked like men were pushing past me. Tall girls who looked like models were laughing and hugging each other. I felt very small, and very afraid.
When we finally went inside, Alice pointed to the left.
‘My locker’s this way,’ she said. ‘Which way is yours?’
I wasn’t brave enough to tell her that I couldn’t remember. I’d been too confused yesterday by the time we got to our lockers.
Just then I saw Jane and her new best friend walking to the right. I knew their lockers were near mine.
I smiled bravely at Alice.
‘My locker’s the other way,’ I said.
‘See you later?’ she asked.
I nodded.
‘At the canteen?’ she said.
I nodded again, hoping that when the time came, I’d actually be able to find the canteen. Then I followed Jane until we got to our lockers.
The corridor with the lockers was crowded, with everyone pushing and shoving and scrambling to get their books ready. I had to find all the books and copies that I needed for the first three classes.
‘I’ll never get the hang of this,’ I muttered to myself.
Jane leaned over and smiled.
‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘The first few days will be hard for all of us. After that, it’ll be fine.’
That made me feel a bit better, but then I felt bad for what had happened yesterday. Jane might be a loser, but at least she was a loser who was being nice to me.
At last I had my books ready, and I followed Jane and her new best friend to our first class, Geography with Mr Spillane.
Most people were there already, and I was faced with the same decisions as the day before. Jane sat with her friend, the boys from primary school sat together and Kellie was with her friends. I sat on my own again.
The class had been going on for ten minutes when Marcus arrived. I was relieved to see that his shirt was buttoned, he was wearing a tie, and there was no sign of purple hair.
‘Nice of you to join us,’ said Mr Spillane, as Marcus came and sat next to me. ‘And I’m happy to see that you’ve decided to abide by our dress code.’
Marcus didn’t answer him, but as soon as Mr Spillane turned to the blackboard, Marcus leaned over towards me. He lifted a lock of his long hair to show me that the purple hair wasn’t gone, it was just tucked out of sight under the rest of his hair.
‘Take my advice,’ he whispered. ‘Never let dolphin-man tell you what to do.’
I didn’t answer.
Maybe Louise was right. Maybe I should be afraid of Marcus. Still, if I didn’t sit next to him, who was I going to sit next to?
* * *
We had to change rooms after every class. That meant picking up everything we owned, and fighting our way through crowds of big people who all seemed to want to go in different directions. Marcus usually vanished during these journeys, and then showed up late to class. Sometimes he smelled of cigarettes.
I quickly decided that the only sensible thing to do was to follow Jane. She seemed to have some special kind of radar that stopped her from ever getting lost. Before long, she noticed that I was always one step behind her, but she didn’t seem to mind. Sometimes she even turned around and smiled at me, and I smiled back, glad to see a friendly face.
Once again, it seemed like a very long morning. At lunch-time, I met Alice, Grace and Louise. They all looked happy, but then I decided that maybe they were only pretending, just like me.
‘I love this place,’ said Alice. ‘But I wish it wasn’t so big.’
‘Yeah,’ said Grace. ‘And I wish we didn’t have to carry so many books around at once.’
‘Yeah,’ said Louise. ‘I wish we could just stay in one room, like we used to in primary. I keep forgetting where I’m meant to be, and what books I’m supposed to have.’
‘I wish the classes weren’t so long,’ said Alice. ‘We had double Business Studies today, and it was totally boring.’
‘I wish …,’ I began, and then I stopped.
What was the point of wishing for stupid stuff about books and classes?
All I really wished was that I had a friend in my class.
And how could I say that out loud?
Chapter five
The week dragged on. Marcus sat next to me most days. He had hardly any books, so whenever we needed a book, he leaned over and looked into mine. I didn’t mind, which was just as well, because I wouldn’t have known how to say ‘no’ to him.
‘You sit next to Marcus every day?’ said Alice in surprise when I told her.
I shrugged.
‘Why not?’
‘What do you talk about?’
‘It’s class time. We’re not supposed to be talking.’
Alice punched me lightly on the arm.
‘Stop being such a swot. Honestly! What do you talk about?’
I had to think.
‘We don’t talk very much.’
‘So what do you do?’
Again I had to think.
‘I do my work, and mostly Marcus just sits there looking bored, and saying smart stuff about the teachers when they’re not looking.’
‘That’s totally weird.’
Maybe she was right.
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘It’s not like he wants to be my friend or anything. I don’t think he wants to be anyone’s friend. I think he just doesn’t want to be there.’
‘Louise says he hangs out with older boys after school,’ said Alice.
‘That’s it then,’ I said. ‘He doesn’t need friends. He’s got enough already. Now, is your French teacher a total pain? Mine is. She makes us repeat stuff over and over again like we’re babies.’
Alice laughed and started to tell me a funny story about her French teacher.
I smiled to myself. I was getting good at changing the subject. Alice still had no idea how lonely I felt every morning when she left me to go to her own class.
* * *
Every day when I came home from school, Mum made me sit at the kitchen table.
Every day she made me have a glass of milk.
‘You need it for healthy bones,’ she said.
Every day she gave me a home-made biscuit that tasted like sawdust.
‘Full of fibre,’ she said.
Every day she sat down opposite me and said, ‘So how are things going at school?’
Every day I wished she was the kind of mum who didn’t care
anyway – the kind of mum who’d have been perfectly happy with ‘fine’ as an answer.
She wasn’t that kind of mum though, so mostly I just told her lies.
Then one afternoon, I found I couldn’t lie any more. It was all getting too much for me, and I had to talk to someone.
So when Mum said, ‘How are things going at school?’
I said, ‘Awful. I hate my class.’
Mum looked cross.
‘Who are they? Who’s being mean to you? Are you being bullied? Do I need to go in and talk to someone about this?’
I shook my head.
‘No one’s being mean. In a way I wish they were. It’s just that I have no one to be friends with. I feel like no one notices me. I say good-bye to Alice in the morning and I don’t really talk to anyone else until I meet her and Grace and Louise at lunch-time.’
Mum looked like she was going to cry. I sighed. Maybe telling her hadn’t been such a good idea after all.
‘So do you sit on your own?’
I shook my head.
‘No. Mostly I sit next to a boy called Marcus.’
‘A boy?’ repeated Mum.
Poor Mum was worried just because he was a boy. What would she have said if she knew he was a boy with purple hair, who didn’t seem to own any school books, and who smoked between classes?
I was beginning to regret getting into this whole conversation.
‘It’s OK,’ I said. ‘It’s still the first week. I’m sure I’ll make some friends soon.’
Mum jumped up.
‘That’s not good enough,’ she said. ‘I can see that you’re upset, and I don’t like that.’
She checked her watch.
‘It’s only a quarter past four. I’m sure the principal’s still at school. Why don’t I go over and have a chat with her? I’m sure she could move you to a different class.’
I shook my head sadly.
‘That won’t work,’ I said. ‘She told us on the first day that no one’s allowed to change. She won’t change the rules just for me. You’d only be wasting your time.’
And if you tell the principal, the only thing that will change is that she and all the other teachers will know that I’m a loser.
