They rode over to Moonlight Hill, stopped and tied their horses to a branch of their oak tree as Guinevere retrieved the pitcher. Once again she poured water over the exposed roots of the tree as Arthur kicked away some dead leaves. He spread out a blanket and they ate cold chicken and beef and washed it down with cider before they took a dip in the cool lake.
An hour later they were lying on the grass with the blanket wrapped around them when James suddenly appeared. Guinevere pulled the blanket tight around herself as Arthur fought for some of it as the boy bowed.
“Ahh, young James” said Arthur as he tried to sound as though he had kept his composure. “Pray tell, what brings thee so far from Camelot?”
“Merlin sent me, Sires. There be a message fer yee at Camelot Castle.”
They looked at each other before Guinevere asked, “But how did he know where we were?”
“He see thee in a magic ball that he holds in his hands. Tis magical indeed.”
Clutching the blanket tightly, Guinevere asked, “So, James, where be thine horse? Thy arrival be so quiet I heard thee not.”
The boy smiled from ear-to-ear. “Sires! Wizard Merlin teached me one wondress magical thing. Ta think where I want ta be, an’ be there with no need of a horse. But, ‘hush’ he sayeth. Tell no one but thine King and Queen as they know of this magic.”
Arthur smiled. “Does thou wish ta ride with us on our horse fer the trip back?”
“Methinks no, Sire. Methinks me needs ta do more an more ta do it better.” He suddenly disappeared.
“My gosh! He’s good at that disappearing thing, too.”
“Yes, Arthur. I guess Merlin is thinking of a successor.”
“Well if he is, he picked a darn good one.”
They dressed and as they got on their horses Guinevere said, “So Merlin ‘saw’ where we were. Mmm.”
Arthur laughed as they rode back.
Alerted that they were coming by the lookouts, Ron stood by the drawbridge as they entered Camelot Castle. With a bow he said, “Sires. Sir Boche wouldst meet with thee.”
Arthur nodded. “Have him join us at the Round Table in a short while. And could thou call the Keansburg Gang to meet also?”
He ran off as they trotted to the stables.
Twenty minutes later, Arthur, Guinevere, Merlin and the original Keansburg Gang sat around the great table as Sir Boche entered.
He bowed and stood to report when Arthur said, “Sir Boche. Pray that thou grabs a chair and joins us here.”
The surprised Knight took a chair from against the wall and pulled it next to Arthur.
Arthur sat back. “So, methinks that thy spy hath returned with news of Sir Fat Albert?”
“Ahh, yes, Sire. He sayth that Sir, ahh, Sir Fat Albert as thou calleth him, be planning ta attack afore Camelot Castle be ready for siege.”
“Did he say how many men he has?”
“He did, Sire, an it be many.”
“The number?”
“Four hundred and fifty.”
Arthur cringed, “All knights?”
“No Sire,” answered the knight. “One hundred and sixteen knights. The rest be page and attendants.”
“And how many knights can we muster?”
“Muster? Sire, I know not what thy hast said.”
Guinevere stepped in. “He means, Sir Boche, how many knights have we?”
“Ah! We have but thirty-four knights. But, Sires, there be many hundreds more comin’ ta Camelot ta pay thee respects and join thee.”
“And when wouldst they arrive, Sir Boche?”
The knight hung his head. “Methinks not fer thirty days, m’lady.”
“And,” asked Arthur, “when dost thou think Sir Fat Albert wouldst attack Camelot?”
“Ten days be what our man hears.”
“And he has good info?”
Sir Boche’s facial expression told Guinevere to step in again. “What thine king asks is, doth thine man know this ta be true?”
“Aye! It be from his own cousin, m’lady.”
Arthur looked around the table at the guys and said, “Then I think we should attack him first.”
Sir Boche looked in shock. “Sire! Best we stay behind Camelot’s walls an’ wait for thine knights comin’ from afar. For Camelot’s walls help diminish, Sir, ah, Sir Fat Albert’s advantage.”
“Sir Boche, if thou knoweth of the knights comin’ from afar, then surely Sir Fat Albert knows of them too, and that be why he would attack Camelot in ten days. He would think that we stay behind the walls of Camelot and not attack him first.”
The knight shrugged his shoulders. “Surely he be thinking that, for that be the thing ta do.”
Arthur asked, “Can you tell us where Sir Fat Albert and his men are camped?”
Sir Boche nodded. “Aye, Sire. They be one-day march away, an’ Sire, methinks should we get close ta Sir Fat Albert an’ slay him, his army wouldst collapse.”
“Slay him?”
The knight nodded. “Aye, Sire. Methinks if Sir Fat Albert should be slain in battle his army wouldst quit an’ run.”
Arthur sat slack-jawed as it dawned on him that in war, there is killing. “Wait, just wait a minute,” he said as he turned to Guinevere. “Hey, I never really gave it much thought, you know what I mean, killing and stuff.”
“Nor did I.”
“Well, I don’t want to kill the guy, I just want him to-to- you know, to go away and leave us alone!”
He turned to Sir Boche and said, “Sir Boche. Is there a way that we can have a war where nobody gets hurt and everyone goes home when it’s over?”
The man sat back. “Not hurt thine enemy? I see not how, my king. Tis our sworn duty to smite him lest he should smite thee.”
“Listen, I have to sleep on this. Let’s talk again in a couple of days.”
Guinevere said to the perplexed knight, “Sir Boche, thine king wouldst dwell on this tonight and hopes we can speak of it with yee again in three days.”
The knight smiled as he rose and bowed. “My Sires, then after morning-meal in three days time, we speak shop?”
“Yes,” answered a smiling Guinevere. “Come back to this room and we will meet again and speak shop. Good day, Sir Boche.”
“Well,” said Arthur as he looked around the table. “I think we should spend the next couple of days planning our non-hurting attack.”
Three days later, Arthur, Guinevere, Merlin, and Sir Boche once again sat at the Round Table as Garret entered. He greeted all and high-fived Arthur as he took the seat next to him.
Arthur slapped him on his back. “Dude! Give me some good news.”
Garret pushed his red hair out of his eyes and produced a rolled up parchment, flattened it out on the table and reported as he checked his notes.
“Sire, since you told us of the upcoming fight, the guys and gals have been working pretty much around the clock and here are the results.” He lifted the parchment and read: “Yellow painted Frisbees with a hole in them to give off a whistling sound as they fly through the air: five hundred and twelve; Flying Lanterns: four hundred and eighty-seven; Kites with candles enclosed in transparent parchment boxes at the end of their tails: fifty-four; Large parchment bags of flour tied to kites with a string that we can pull and release the bags to let them drop among the bad guys, scaring their horses and creating smoke screens: fifty-seven; Kites painted to look like dragons and demons: thirty-five. They are made of transparent parchment and have candles encased in transparent parchment boxes mounted on the back and when they are lit the face of the demon or dragon appears and it looks like they are flying above the bad guys. And finally, we have twenty-two acrobats that can walk on very high stilts and we mounted carved, demon heads with candles in them on top of the stilts. The acrobats will wear long, white ghost outfits and when they walk on the hills at night it looks like demons coming across the meadow.”
Guinevere asked, “Garret, do we have fishing nets in the castle?”
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p; He nodded. “Yes. The cooks have some of the kids who come from fishing villages go out each morning and catch fish for them.”
She looked at Arthur. “Remember the book back at the home on Rome? It had drawings of gladiators with fishnets, which they threw over their opponents. Imagine if our guys threw them over knights on horseback? Their armor has so many points that a net would easily catch on them and they could be pulled from their horse with ease.”
“Wow! Guinevere that’s a great idea!” He looked at Garret. “Can we do some practicing with the nets?”
Garret rolled the parchment back up and said, “No problem, boss. After all is said and done, I hope we attack at night to get the best effect the lighted candles will have on the bad guys.”
Sir Boche looked shocked. “Attack at night?”
Arthur placed his hand on the knight’s shoulder and said in a calming fashion. “Sir Boche. Think of the advantage we have. First, Sir Fat Albert thinks we are going to stay in our castle and let him bring the fight to us. Second, he’ll never believe that we’re attacking him without waiting for the other knights he must know are coming to join us, and third, he’ll never in a million years think that we would attack him at night.”
“Nor would I, Sire.” The knight shook his head then looked at Arthur and Guinevere and said, “But Sires, we knights shall be ready ta die fer yee.”
Arthur shook his head. “No, you have it all wrong, my friend. In my plan, nobody dies.”
“But, Sire,” asked the knight with a look of puzzlement on his face, “how canst that be done?”
“Because we have a few secret weapons.”
“I be puzzled, Sire. Pray tell me of thine secret weapons.”
Arthur smiled as he outlined his plan. “First we send Sir Fat Albert a gift.”
“Thou would send him a gift?”
“Yes. We send him a barrel of Mead and tell him it be from us in hopes that he joins us. We made sure we got the strongest Mead available for him. We get it to his camp the day of the night we are going to attack. We want Sir Fat Albert and his minions to drink so as to fog their thinking that night.”
“Tis a good plan, Sire,” said the knight as he shook his head in agreement.
“And,” continued Arthur. “I have a few spies of mine own, an’ that day they wouldst spread stories among his men of demons and ghosts seen in the sky. Then as we see their campfires being lit, we release our flying lanterns and other weapons of the sky, to terrorize them as flour smoke-bombs create panic among their horses.” He patted the knight again. “Be thou feelin’ better about this night attack now, Sir Boche?”
“I am, Sire. I am.”
“Good.” He scribbled a time-line on a piece of parchment then looked at the knight. “If Sir Fat Albert’s camp is one day’s march from here and we want to attack at night I think we should schedule our attack four nights from tonight. That means that we leave Camelot the day after tomorrow, right after morning-meal. We march and I want us to end up five miles away from his camp by sundown. I want all of the next day to rest and that night we move to within striking distance of his camp. By that time our scouts, dressed, as shepherds will have checked out our jumping-off spot. When it’s dark and Sir Fat Albert has drank the Mead we sent him, we start sending the flying lanterns up while at the same time we let the stilt-walkers be seen by their guards. The kites with the candles tied to their tails go up next and are followed by kites dropping the flour bags among them. By that time our spies will have told of flying dragons, demons and devils and most of the soldiers that were pressed into joining Fat Albert’s side will desert . . . hopefully. “
Sir Boche nodded and asked, “And what of any who would still fight, Sire?”
“Hopefully our spies will have had those knight’s pages loosen their saddle straps and when they start a gallop we let fly with the whistling Frisbees’. The combination of the yellow discs and their high-pitched whistle will scare their horses’ and unseat the knights. Any knight that is still on his horse will be netted and pulled off. Then we catch them on the ground and remove their armor.”
Arthur’s face got serious as he went on. “Sir Boche. It be very important ta the queen and me that nobody should be harmed. Pray tell thy men ta spare all, that they might join us with no ill feelings.”
The knight bowed before his king and queen. “Sires, thy will shall be done.” He turned and left the room with Garret.
Arthur, Guinevere and Merlin sat alone in the great room in silence for a few moments. Finally Arthur pushed back his chair.
“Man, I am one tired dude! This Fat Albert crap is draining me.”
“Don’t let it,” said Merlin reaching out and placing his hand on Arthur’s forearm.
“I tell ya, Merlin. If I could, I’d invite the guy here today, punch him in the nose and give him a kick in the butt and tell him to leave England forever.”
Guinevere rubbed his shoulders. “Shhhh, it’ll go alright. I just know it.”
Merlin let out a sigh and they both turned and looked at him, knowing he had something important to say.
“Unfortunately, my friends, my newly awakened powers have not fully awakened yet, but, I have had a glimpse into our future.”
Arthur and Guinevere both looked hopefully at the wizard and Guinevere asked, “Please tell us what you saw.”
“Not enough to see an outcome of the battle. However, this much I know: this battle is the most important one you will ever fight, Arthur. You see, it is the first challenge to you and Guinevere as King and Queen of England. And if he succeeds in winning this battle, others will feel that maybe you two are unfit to rule and that’s how insurrection begins.”
“We understand.” Arthur leaned forward across the table to his friend. “Merlin, when I came up with this plan to attack at night and maybe win without anyone getting hurt, I figured you in the plan.”
“Arthur, as you know I am at your disposal. What is it that you want me to do?”
Arthur held up his finger, “First, I’m pretty sure you taught James how to disappear and appear, right?”
“Yes. Young James is a very quick study and I have high hopes for him. However, at this point he tends to miss his appearing mark by a half mile sometimes.”
“Well,” continued Arthur, “we thought that if he could sneak into Fat Albert’s camp and tell the kids there, that they should come over to our side, maybe some of them would help us out from the inside.”
“Mmmm, that sounds like something he’d do. What can he tell them to do?”
Guinevere said, “What if they didn’t make the horses’ saddles so tight when they got their knight ready for the battle?”
Arthur added, “So the knights would fall off when their horse went into a gallop.”
“Ha! That’s a great idea! And, I’m sure, one that young James would handle well.” He sat back and folded his hands. “And what would you have me do?”
Arthur smiled as he slapped his hand down on the table. “Create havoc! Scare the living heck out of those superstitious guys with stories of goblins, ghosts and demons appearing in the night sky.”
Merlin stood and with one finger extending from his balled fist said, “Yes! Create havoc! Ha! According to my many bosses, that’s my specialty in life.” He turned and looked at them. “Worry not my friends, havoc shall rein.” He suddenly disappeared.
Guinevere stood and rubbed Arthur’s shoulders. “Feel like a dip in our special pond?”
“Yeah! It’s as close to a vacation spot as we can get these days.”
The next morning Arthur had the cooks load the Round Table with fried eggs, ham, bacon and plenty of hot buns. He invited everyone in Camelot to pass through and take a plate of food to eat out in the courtyard. When the courtyard was full and every square inch of seating and standing area was spoken for, Arthur and Guinevere appeared from the tower’s main doorway. A great roar of approval went up as the crowd showed their approval. Arthur raised his hand and after awhile
they stopped to hear what their king and queen had to say.
“Friends. The queen and I stand before yee to thank yee all for being true to us and becoming our friends as well as subjects.” Knowing that those who know of his strange speech pattern were translating his words, Arthur hesitated often. “As you’ve heard by now Camelot is going to be attacked by Sir Albert and a bunch of his men.” He paused as the crowd booed at Sir Albert’s name.
He let them vent for a few moments before continuing. “But because we worked so hard to get Camelot Castle back in shape it would be terrible to let them do that, so I decided that we attack him in his camp first!” He had to wait a few minutes for the translators to interpret his words and then another five minutes as the crowd roared in approval of his plan to bring the fight to their enemy rather than wait for him to attack them.
He held his hands up and continued. “While I want no harm to come to you, I want no harm to come to them either. A troubled knight who wants power and is using them for his quest is leading them. It is my wish to stop him and invite them all to join us in making England the freest land in the world. What say yee ta that, friends?”
The castle grounds reverberated with their applause and shouts of approval.
Guinevere looked up at her husband and said as they waved to the crowd, “This king thing fits you pretty good, Arthur.”
The rest of the day was spent watching various groups practicing their specialties. One group of young men practiced throwing their fishnets over volunteer knights in armor and removing them from their horse simply by entangling them with their nets and pulling. Another group threw the whistling Frisbees and others launched a few of the flying lanterns while still others flew their kites. In one section of the courtyard stood a bunch of very tall, ghostly-looking entities as the acrobats stood with long white sheets pulled over their heads. They had the appearance of long, floating ghosts with demon heads attached to their shoulders and, as they walked, the two demon heads bobbed on the end of the two stilts.
New Jersey Yankee In King Arthur's Court Page 20
