by Max Howard
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Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Howard, Max.
Title: Fifteen and change / Max Howard.
Description: New York : West 44, 2019. | Series: West 44 YA verse Identifiers: ISBN 9781538382592 (pbk.) | ISBN 9781538382608 (library bound) | ISBN 9781538383308 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Children’s poetry, American. | Children’s poetry, English. | English poetry. Classification: LCC PS586.3 F548 2019 | DDC 811’.60809282--dc23
First Edition
Published in 2019 by Enslow Publishing LLC 101 West 23rd Street, Suite #240 New York, NY 10011
Copyright © 2019 Enslow Publishing LLC
Editor: Caitie McAneney Designer: Seth Hughes
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer.
Printed in the United States of America
CPSIA compliance information: Batch #CS18W44: For further information contact Enslow Publishing LLC, New York, New York at 1-800-542-2595.
To hope and all things with feathers
How to Disappear in Math Class
Focus. Remember what it felt like to be invisible. Teacher looks around the room. He’s going to call on somebody. I’ve done it before. Think. Focus.
Turning Invisible
All during math class I try to be invisible. Focus. Remember what works. Remember hunting deer with Dad in the tree stand. Quiet. Still. The teacher’s eyes flick over me like he doesn’t see me, like I’m invisible. Teacher calls on some girl: Sarah, what do you think?
Every Girl at This New School
is named Sarah.
At my old school
back in Blue Way, Wisconsin,
all the girls were Maddie.
All the boys were Jake.
All the boys here are Jake, too.
People think my name is Jake.
It’s not.
It’s Zeke.
Sometimes Zekers.
Mom’s New Boyfriend
I wish Paul would just swear. But he’s Christian so he won’t. Instead he calls my mom a BRITCH. He says it’s a joke. Her name is Britney. Brit. Britch. Get it? My mom laughs. Paul says, Shut up, you dumb britch.
How to Disappear at Home
Close the door to your room. Lie down. Keep the light off. Pretend you’re not there. Pretend you don’t hear Paul’s video game sounds. Shooting. Explosions. He’s playing CS:Go on Steam. Paul gets mad. Yells at the computer, Oh, you little britch. Britch, I’m gonna kill you.
How to Disappear on a Boat
One night Dad and I took the canoe out. The air was cold. The water was warm. Fog rolled off the lake. It hung so thick between us I couldn’t see my dad. He couldn’t see me. I sometimes forget what he looks like now. I have to go on Facebook to find his picture. He lives back in Wisconsin. He posts a lot of selfies, sometimes with a fish.
My Profile Pic
is someone else.
is someone else. Godzilla from the 70s. I delete all my selfies. I don’t mind being red haired, skinny, freckled, fourteen and a half. I mind having my picture taken. I mind being seen.
Before We Moved Here
I’d never ridden a city bus. Cars, yes. School bus, yes. Trucks, yes. Tractors, yes. Snowmobiles. Four-wheelers. I’d never been inside an apartment. Houses, yes. Trailers, yes. Boats, yes. Campers, RVs. Tents, barns, pole sheds. Ice shanties. Never an apartment.
What Is an Apartment?
If all apartments are like Paul’s apartment, then apartments smell like hot dog water. Silverfish squirm in the bathtub. The sink burps. The couch farts. Or else it’s Paul sitting there eating string cheese.
Like Butterflies
The vacuum broke at the motel. My mom didn’t want to tell her boss. He might make her pay for it. So she picked up lint hair Cheetos with her fingers. But she got to watch Say Yes to the Dress while cleaning the rooms. She says, Some of these brides are so beautiful— like butterflies
Mom, Why Did You Drink So Much?
I wanted to feel like a butterfly. Or My teeth hurt. Or Paul loves me. Or He doesn’t.
Payday Lending
When Mom can’t pay the loan, they’ll take the car. Then how are we supposed to get home? I mean home, to Blue Way, Wisconsin. To the lake, the woods? But rent, Zekers, she says. Rent.
My Mom Is Beautiful But
her breath stinks. Her cheek is red, hot, and puffy. I bring ice. She drinks rum. Says, My tooth hurts. No money to go to the dentist. Not my problem, says Paul.
Losing the Car Is One Thing
Losing a tooth is another. Mom went to the dentist instead. Didn’t pay on her loan. She lost a car to lose a tooth. Now she hides her smile. Covers her mouth with her hand. We’re watching Say Yes to the Dress. Some of those brides are so beautiful, like butterflies. Mom’s voice is muffled. She talks behind her hand, takes the bus to work.
Money Honey
I bring Mom tissues, ice, rum. You’re so helpful, Mom says. She wipes her eyes, smiles behind her hand. Now. Say it now: Mom, why don’t we just move back to Wisconsin? She says, It’s the money, honey
HELP WANTED
My heart pounds like I’ve spotted a deer. Breathe in, smell pizza. Breathe out, phones are ringing. Will that be for pickup or delivery? Breathe in, What would you like on that? Breathe out, try not to be invisible. Say: Hey, I saw your sign outside. You guys hiring?
The Manager’s Office
is not fancy. Ripped up old chairs, papers everywhere, pizza sauce fingerprints all over the light switch. The manager’s mouth hides behind his beard. He pinches a banana pepper between his fingers. Shoves it into all that beard. Crunches. Wipes his hand on his pants. Hi, I’m Scott.
Job Interview
My mouth is moving. I’m saying something. But I can’t hear it. My voice is soft. My stomach is growling. (I’m always starving after school.) Today my hunger is louder than my voice.
First Day at Work
Hi, I’m Olivia. I’ll give you the tour. She spreads her arms wide, spins around. Her red hair is like flames around her face. I pretend to understand what she’s saying. Dry storage. Dumpster. Prep area. We stand in the walk-in freezer. I can see my breath, but I could never be cold around Olivia.
Fire Girl
Olivia sticks a long hook into the ovens, pops the bubbles rising in the pizza crusts. Wild red hair like a prairie fire. But a mouth like a rosebud that blooms when she smiles. She says, Zeke, huh? You look more like a Zekers. My heart melts like cheese on a pizza. She called me Zekers.
Paul’s Apartment Is Cold and Dark
Heat broke. Landlord isn’t answering his phone. Plus, the power got cut off. Britch, you were supposed to pay the bill. They’re fighting, wearing hats and coats, using phone flashlights like candles. The light makes their faces look blue.
Mom, Guess What, I Got a Job
is what I want to say. But Paul’s got his hands in Mom’s coat pockets looking for change. Mom squirms, tries out a normal voice. Zeke, you’re home late today. Everything OK? I lie: Sorry. Got detention.
I’m Going to Get Paid
And I’m not going to let Paul take my money. I’m going to hide it. I stand on my bed, reach up and slide apart the ceiling tiles. I’ll cash my checks and hide the bills up here. Then one day I’ll open the ceiling. It’ll rain money on Mom and me.
We Need a Car
if we’re going to move back to Blue Way. A car to get there. A car to get around in. There are no buses out there. In study hall I look online for something cheap but reliable. About $3,000 will do i
t. Also we need first month’s rent. Security deposit. Say, $2,000.
We Need $5,000
I will make $7.25 an hour and work 18 hours a week. In 38.31 weeks I will have $5,000. Math is easy when you want something.
First Day at Casa de Pizza
They’ll take the cost of my green uniform out of my first check. So now I’ll have to work even longer. Just to get to $5,000. I think about what a year looks like while folding pizza boxes. Christmas lights. Easter eggs. Fireworks. Jack-o’-lanterns. Thanksgiving turkeys. Did you know you can get paper cuts from cardboard?
Check the Schedule
Dylan trains me. Double-bag the trash so it doesn’t leak. Drop a germ-killing tablet in the sink. Dylan is a senior at my school. He has a tiny beard. He shows me how to check the work schedule. I won’t work with Olivia again for a week.
Scott Is on a Diet
He used to eat pizza, Dylan says. Now he eats banana peppers. Two yellow peppers go in a corner of each box. I check to make sure before each pizza goes out. You know Scott’s standing behind you watching you because you hear him crunching.
CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
What, kid, did you get your period? Scott is crunching and laughing. He points at the floor. The trash bag has burst and I’m dragging a red line of tomato sauce all across the floor. Olivia, look. Kid got his first period. I turn as red as the sauce.
First Paycheck
It’s less than I thought. Taxes. Social security. Plus the check-cashing place takes a cut. I slide five twenties into an old envelope. Slip it into my hiding spot in the ceiling. That’s when I hear the SLAP.
It Doesn’t Leave a Mark
My mom’s face looks fine. But the sound of the slap, my mom’s gasp. Those sounds left a mark in my mind. It’s OK. I’ll get us home. I just need to make money faster.
Olivia Has a History Final
on a day she’s supposed to work. That’s how I learn she’s in college. She’s arguing with Scott. I asked off, she says. Crunch. Crunch. Not my problem, he says. Does she know I’m still in high school? Yesterday she threw an olive and I caught it in my mouth. She said, Zekers for the win!
Pizza Prep
Dylan showed me how to refill plastic Cambro containers with chopped mushrooms and peppers. But now Mary who isn’t even a manager— just THINKS she is— told me I was cutting the peppers mushrooms onions wrong. When she ducked out to smoke, I thought about locking the door.
This School Has Open Campus Lunch
We have 50 minutes. We can go anywhere we want. It’s amazing. Most kids go across the street to Taco Bell or KFC. I go to the park, vanish into the trees. I climb to the top of a tall pine and eat. Everything is green, fresh, and crisp. Except my Cheetos, which are orange.
Bud, the Pizza Delivery Driver
looks like a sea captain with a long white beard. Probably about 100 years old, he smokes a pipe in his old Honda when he’s not out on delivery runs. Olivia says Bud looks like Santa. But Dylan says Bud used to be a doctor. Until he got fired for keeping dead bodies in his freezer at home.
Today Mary Hit Me in the Face
with her ponytail. Her long brown hair goes all the way to her butt. When we get slammed with lots of pizza orders she whips around fast, her ponytail smacking into people. She hollers, LET’S SHOW SOME HUSTLE, PEOPLE. Bud won’t hustle. When Mary yells, he says, Bud don’t budge, baby.
Scott Hides in His Office
whenever we get slammed. Dylan complains about it. Mary says, I’m going to tell Scott you said that. When she leaves, Dylan says, Mary’s a thirty-five-year-old tattletale. Olivia says, Be kind— she has a hard life. Dylan says, Easy for you to say, Olivia. Olivia gasps like he’s slapped her.
I Like Working with Timothy
He’s older than Mary and he’s black. There aren’t many black people back in Blue Way, so at first I was nervous: What if I said the wrong thing? But right away we get in a rhythm. Me sprinkling cheese. Him doing toppings. It’s nice, quiet. I wonder if he knows what Dylan said and why it hurt Olivia’s feelings.
Yesterday Dylan High-Fived Me
in the hall at school. His beard is thin and his teeth are big and when he smiles, everyone looks. It’s like a light just came on. Now guys I don’t even know nod at me in the hall. I worry I’ll nod wrong, somehow. So I walk looking up, counting the ceiling tiles.
I Like Making Mistakes at Work
because I get to eat them. Whenever I get hungry, I wait for someone to order a plain cheese pizza. Then I put pepperoni and olives on it as if by mistake. I hide behind the folded pizza boxes stacked to the ceiling. It’s like I’m invisible. No one notices me eating slice after slice.
Lying to Mom Is Easy
because she has a second job now. She’s a waitress at an old folks’ home. She’s too tired to ask questions about Nature Club, which is good because Nature Club doesn’t exist. It’s where I tell her I go instead of work. She doesn’t ask me any questions at all. She’s busy using a fine-tooth comb to scratch gunk off Paul’s scalp while he makes monkey noises.
You’ve Got to Work on Your Cheese Lock, Mister
Mary tells me. She shows me how to build a dam out of shredded cheese to keep pizza sauce from leaking during delivery. Her fingers are red. (Her other job is a motel maid. It’s hard on the hands.) But I can tell sprinkling white cheese makes her happy. It’s like a snow globe, she says.
I Splurge
Spend a little money from my second Casa de Pizza paycheck on udder balm. Dairy farmers use it. It’s good for chapped hands. I leave it in Mom’s purse. Her hands are red and cracked, too. She thinks it’s a present from Paul. I don’t say anything. I have $290 in the ceiling.
Closing
Olivia shows me how to take down the cold bar. I wash the prep tubs. She does the books. When she locks up, the keys jingle. I ask, How much did we take in tonight, anyway? Five thousand, she says. Flips off the lights. Five thousand in one night! I stand there in the dark doing the math in my head.
Venison
Timothy brought me a pound of venison. A plastic bag full of fresh deer meat. We roasted it in the oven, made a venison pizza. It tasted like Wisconsin.
Fair to the Deer
Timothy hunts in the state forest. Drives two hours in his old Toyota truck. He hunts with a bow and arrow. Says it’s more fair to the deer than a gun. I picture him in the woods. Gray dreadlocks blending into a misty morning. He holds his breath. His arrow flies through the silver woods.
Surprise
One night when I get home from work stuffed with pepperoni and olive mistakes, I find Mom dancing around. I got a big tip today, she says. So I ordered you a pizza! I pretend to be excited. Hide behind the couch in case Bud’s the delivery driver.
Olivia’s Brand-New Tattoo
She pulls her shirt off her shoulder and shows me. A red rose in a loop of black letters. I lean close. Olivia smells like cinnamon. And the rose is as red as Olivia’s hair. The letters are cursive. I can’t read cursive, I tell her. Bread and roses, she says. It’s a song.
Illegal
I’m hiding behind a tower of pizza boxes, eating. Scott and Dylan don’t know I’m there. Have her call me if she wants a job, says Scott. What’s her name? Hannah, says Dylan. Hannah Torres Bravo. She’s my cousin. Hannah. Huh, Scott says. That sounds like an American name. I thought she was an illegal? CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH Whatever. Not my problem.
Training
Hey kid. CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH Go train Hannah on trash duty, says Scott. Make sure to show her to double-bag, says Mary. Hannah doesn’t say anything. She is so small and so quiet, I forget she’s there. I let a door close in her face on the way to the alley.
Does Your Cousin Speak English?
Olivia asks. Hannah? Of course, says Dylan. I’ve just never heard her speak. Olivia runs a pizza cutter through a large pie. Closes the box lid. She’s quiet, Dylan says. He points at me. Like him. I jump. I didn’t realize he noticed me mopping quietly behind the ovens
.
The Mouse
Mary has it by the tail. Swings it around. Scott! Look what I found! And someone’s been feeding him! The mouse squirms. Mary’s ponytail shakes. Someone made a little nest for him in dry storage, kept him as a pet. She whips toward me, ponytail flying. Mouse flying. Was it you?
