‘Jeesuz, Nevaeh…’ Amber sounded shocked, and the reaction was echoed by the class. I felt like my cheeks were going to burn up. Jay and Paul giggle nearby repeating the only word they understood – interwoven.
‘Its all interwoven, like this…’ Paul mocked, pronouncing each word. I don’t look, but whatever he was doing it made everyone laugh. I bent my head down, pulling my hair over my face.
‘Alright class settle down. A real answer for once, nicely done, Nevaeh. Meanwhile, the rest of you can write on essay on dreams and their symbolism. Perhaps…’ he repeated, shouting over the uproar. ‘Perhaps, some of you might learn something.
I couldn’t wait to get home. Although they didn’t say anything, I knew everyone blamed me. Finals were just round the corner and now they had extra homework. I heard Amber turn on a few of them, and for the first time, I was grateful to Amber and guilty for ignoring her. I just wish I had kept quiet. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Last night’s dreams were too real, like my earth dreams. I always came back with something. This morning my nails were broken, and clogged with dirt. I inhaled the fresh air, glad it’s Friday. It was exhausting running away from everyone.
Amber caught up with me outside of school and her heavy breathing reminded me of that night.
I almost felt sorry for her again but stopped myself.
‘You wanna do something this weekend?’ She breathed and before I could say anything, she held up her hands for me to stop.
‘Nevaeh, did we do anything wrong…?’ she paused; a fleeting look of worry crossed her face.’
‘Or did Hawk, y’know, when he walked you home. If he did, he’ll regret it...’
She let the threat hang, and I wanted to act like I didn’t know what she was talking about, but blushing and shaking my head was the best I could do. Amber’s face transformed into a look of astonishment.
‘What happened? Tell me everything.’ She stepped closer and I hovered my foot behind me before leaning backwards; I hate crowding. I told her what she wanted to know, from the cyclist to the door, nothing else, especially about knowing me.
‘Did he say anything?’ I blurted, annoyed that I’d fallen into her trap of asking questions. I wanted to pull the words back the moment I said them. I felt even worse when I saw the glint in her eye. ‘Maybe,’ she said tilting her head mysteriously. I felt irritated, she reminded me a little of Jo-Jo, always holding back, just a little. I turned to leave.
‘Hey, I’m only joking - yes, he asked about you when you didn’t go to our last meeting. Even though you promised me you would go.’ I felt guilt rush through me. I was starting to get the feeling that Amber didn’t feel like she was part of anything, and was more of an outsider.
‘I’m sorry; I’ll go to the next one – okay?’
Amber smiled, her red lipstick, spreading comically across her face. I wanted to tell her that some of the red stain was on her teeth, but we weren’t that close.
I was still puzzling over what he said when I got home.
By the time I had grabbed a sandwich and headed to my room Amber had already sent me a text. I shook my head in disbelief - she wanted to know if I could attend a meeting tonight. I tried to say no, but she begged me. Apparently to get to the next level, whatever that was, she had to introduce someone and that someone was me. But I had to go for one month.
‘It’s only one month,’ she complained. One month felt like forever and I wished I’d never mentioned going to the next meeting. I wanted to see Hawk and yet I didn’t. I couldn’t make up my mind. My life seemed so complicated, and the thought of seeing him again so soon made my stomach knot. I didn’t know how to feel or act.
Standing outside of her house tonight, I could feel the tension returning and a hundred excuses flooded through me, some of them were ridiculous. This wasn’t me, I reasoned to myself. I was happy with one friend -Jo-Jo. I didn’t like socialising, preferring to spend time in the woods. Amber pulled the door open and grinned wickedly. She seemed too pleased to see me, and I felt underdressed in my white top and jacket and pale jeans. I stared at her, with her high heels and long black jacket and by the noise that drifted from inside, everyone was already there.
‘Don’t step in,’ a voice seemed to whisper. ‘Just turn and walk away.’ But I didn’t. It had already darkened outside, even though it was early evening. And when a sudden wind tore at my hair pulling and knotting it, it made my decision for me. I stepped inside quickly, brushing down my hair. Only then did I see the back of him. He seemed to be in mid conversation and the butterflies returned.
‘Look, all the candles have been lit. Caro brought these Chinese bag things, how great are they?’ Amber gushed. I tried to concentrate on the glowing brown bags that were littered along the hallway but it was difficult to focus.
Hawk turned slowly in my direction, the same dark intense eyes sweeping over me. From behind him, Andrea frowned slightly, before smiling. I never knew where I stood with her.
For a split second, it felt like everyone had vanished, when Hawk walked towards me. My legs turned to jelly and I held my breath as he bent to hug me.
‘Nevaeh, I’ve missed you,’ he whispered. His hand drifting to mine and I let him lead me towards the lounge. For that one moment, I felt like the most important person in the world and wondered why I had made such a big deal of this.
‘Are you ready to learn something different from school?’ Hawk asked and I stared up at him in confusion.
‘No meditation?’
He shook his head. ‘No meditation, not tonight. Tonight we relax as a group and get to know each other.’ I gave him a sideways glance, his meaning couldn’t be clearer.
Inside, there were more of the Chinese candle bags and loads of cushions thrown onto the floor. Amber had outdone herself this time. The cushions, I noticed were arranged in a messy circle. I watched how Andrea seemed to almost slide over the larger cushions while the twins curled up nearby. Not Amber; she missed one completely and for a moment everyone caught sight of her underwear under the skirt. They all giggled including me and when the slow mumble of talking rose, I felt my body relax. If only they had done this before. I suppose it was the way he held my hand or plumped up a large cushion for both of us to sit on. I felt protected and the anxiety fell away.
Everyone seemed to be talking to someone, and the atmosphere, for once, felt normal. I took a drink that was offered, pleased it wasn’t anything alcoholic. I can’t drink, never have been able to. I tried once with Jo-Jo and one sip made me ill for hours.
'What do you think your totem is?' Hawk asked his voice soft. I turned to him just as he brushed a curl from his eyes, the movement and question seemed so intimate that I blushed.
'er...Totem?'
Amber giggled. Even from across the room with the twins, she was openly listening until Hawk frowned at her. Behind her, I noticed how the wind had picked up outside. A small branch from a silver birch, scraped at the window like it was trying to get in. Tidwell was surrounded by silver birches - they grew like weeds, around the houses, and weren’t allowed to be cut down without permission.
‘Hey, you okay?’
I nodded, reddening. ‘oh yes, totem.’ I muttered. It was so easy to get distracted. Hawk shifted on the cushion, cupping both of my hands in his. I wanted to push the hair away from his eyes again but knew I wouldn’t, not yet. He smiled, pushing it to the side.
'A totem could be anything, from the four elements, of fire, water, air and earth to the animals. It’s similar to horoscopes in a way. We believe that everyone was born with a totem that mimicked their personality. Later, when you connect with your totem, you connect fully with Gaia, mother nature.’ He smiled and even though I was looking at him blankly, I was mesmerised.
‘Mine is the Hawk, look,’ he added softly. I shivered. I had already seen it, admired it in my dreams and even kissed it. He chuckled then, looking away, and I wondered who he was laughing at.
‘What d
o you think my totem is?’ I whispered.
He stared at me with those strange intense eyes of his and I felt my heart rate increase.
‘Well, you’re fiery, passionate, but as far as an animal guide to go with the elements? Not sure.’ He shook his head, puzzled. My eyes darted to the branch outside; it was almost tapping an S.O.S. warning in time with my heart. I suddenly felt nervous, uncertain and wished I knew why.
At that moment, I even wondered how I was falling for a guy who believed he was connected to an animal. I’m usually put off guys so easily; lisps, stutters, wonky eyes but this was another level completely.
I looked at Amber who had moved slightly behind his range of sight. She was rolling her eyes before hugging herself and making kissing noises. I tried to smile, but this was serious, whatever was happening here was the real thing. I’d read about the one true love and all of that, but I didn’t expect to feel this way so quickly. Hawk seemed oblivious to what was happening, and I almost shouted my relief when Andrea pulled her away. She was definitely the wild card in the group and reminded me of an unruly child. Hawk shifted again, he was close, close enough to feel his body heat.
‘So what do you think is yours, think about it, what is the first animal or element that pops into your mind.’
Why is he asking me all these questions? I don’t want to talk about totems; I want to talk about us. I stop myself, and it takes me a few seconds to realise that he’s still waiting for an answer. I tell myself to think of something, anything before it becomes awkward. The branch is making me anxious.
‘Nevaeh?’ I pull my eyes away from the window.
'It must mean different things to different people, right? Maybe I don’t have one.'
My voice sounds odd, like it hasn’t been used for a long time, and there’s a catch in the back of my throat which I desperately want to clear.
I don't know why I’m so desperate to explain. He’s smiling now, and I notice for the first time how his eyes crinkle at the sides, my mind already storing that memory for later. I wish he’d stop stroking my hand, I can’t concentrate. He leans forward, his face etched with concern and follows my eyes back to the window.
'Nevaeh, don’t worry, I just thought that…’ He stops and seems to be turning the thought over in his head.
‘Okay, how about this. When you think of the word totem, what do you think of?’
I shrug turning away from him slightly. I feel like I’m being tested, and am desperate not to fail. Is it my imagination or has everyone started to talk really softly? I feel the heat rage inside me and the tapping has become rapping on the window. I look at him panicking. The rapping is interfering with my thinking.
'Honestly? They're like symbols? Right? The Indians named each other after them and...' I trail off, damning myself. Why do I have to mention Indians just because he looks like one? The list for later was building. It suddenly seemed more urgent now that he mentioned it. If Hawk noticed my stress, he didn’t say anything, just tilted his head.
‘You could say that. Some say that they guide you between the physical and spiritual'. I fix him with a look, he has my attention now.
'Spiritual, you mean like heaven?’
He nods smiling again, but this time when he leans closer, I’m not entirely certain, but can swear that he’s sniffing me. I lean away self-consciously. His eyes seem excited, and I can tell it’s a subject he knows.
‘Some call it heaven, or the place of the original creators, the god space.’
I remember holding my breath at the word.
‘They say that sometimes, a god or goddess tears through the fabric or veil and walks amongst us.’ His voice is soft, and I feel like I’m under a spell. Everyone in the room has disappeared again and it’s my turn to breathe him in; he smells intoxicating. He reads my signals and leans even closer, pulling my hair up to whisper in my ear.
‘Do you know the main sign of a sacred one Nevaeh?’ I manage to shake my head; my tongue feels too thick and awkward to answer.
‘It’s the smell; they have a divine smell that drives humans mad with passion.’
His voice is husky, and I feel like I’m going to pass out and resist the urge to kiss the cheek that is centimetres away from mine. This is insane.
‘And you.’ He pauses. ‘Smell divine…’ I feel lightheaded and imagine falling into his arms, and hug myself instead, telling myself to calm down. The combined sound of the scraping, tapping and rapping of the branch, sends my heart into overdrive. I want to scream but instead clench my hands so tightly; I can feel my nails bite into my skin.
‘What about dreams? Have you ever been aware that you're dreaming? Nevaeh?’
I look at him suspiciously then, suddenly aware that everyone in the room has stopped talking.
I think back to English class and my mood drops another level. Has Amber told them? But why would she? The familiar feelings of anxiousness return as I think about my dreams. For some reason, I feel like my privacy has been invaded, that he knows about them, even though it isn’t possible. I face him, trying to ignore the screaming of the wind outside and even the others are looking from the window to me. When I shift my legs, they’re numb and I wait for the pins and needles.
‘Well?’ Hawk presses and I frown at the edge in his voice, paranoid. Maybe tonight is all about me and I don’t feel so protected.
'Hasn't everyone?’ I know my voice is raised, but I’m finding it difficult to breath. I don’t like being the centre of attention or wanting to think about my dreams, especially at night. It’s getting harder to go to sleep, especially when the image of the buried woman creeps forward. I feel my whole body shiver. As if sensing this, Hawk reaches for me.
‘Nevaeh, don’t hassle too much about it, just interested, that’s all,’ he shrugged. I felt like screaming then; it was obvious he was more than interested, everyone was more than interested. The rapping makes my head hurt and I push his hand away before standing up. The rush of pain makes me wince and I stamp my feet, looking down at him.
‘I have to go.’
He looks hurt, but the screaming of the wind is making it difficult to concentrate. Am I the only one who can hear it? I imagine the wind tearing at the door and window frames, ready to blow the place apart and I feel part of it.
‘Nevaeh, don’t worry, like I said, if you don’t know, it’s no big deal.’ I can hardly hear him and look at him in confusion, stepping away from the hands that are reaching for me, they feel like branch hands.
‘No, I don’t know…what’s this? Twenty questions?’ my breathing is uneven, and I feel dizzy. The windows have started to rattle and I swear I can feel the vibrations of the earth beneath my feet. It feels as if the house is about to be blown down. Yesss, a voice seems to whisper and I panic at the thought that crosses my mind - what if it’s me? What if I’m feeding the wild side of the wind?
The murmurs in the room have grown more intense, especially Andrea who looks anxiously now from me to the wind. She’s either expecting something to happen or like me, thinks we’re connected. Behind her Seth and Nettles edge closer, as if they too sense something. Even Hawk stands up.
The house feels like it’s physically shaking and when a vase falls off a side table and smashes, I almost scream. It’s making me worse, like I’m being buried, like the woman. Somewhere, in the middle of this storm, Hawk is telling me to relax.
Control it, calm the wind Nevaeh, calm yourself and think of where you are happiest. I look at him in alarm, his mouth is closed. Had I missed the part where he was speaking? I notice Amber and the frightened way she’s clinging onto Andrea. She looks scared of me – why? I’m not doing anything. Leave me alone.
For the second time, I run from her house.
Outside, in the midst of the roar, my imagination conjures up the flapping of wings right above me. I don’t look up but instead, imagine snarling things behind me, I run faster.
Back home, I almost stumble u
p to my bedroom, wiping at the sweat that has matted my forehead. I can hear Mum calling but ignore her. I don’t want to explain anything at the moment. I can’t even explain it to myself. Disappointment fuels my tears. Why did I over-react? They’re probably all laughing at me now. If this is what happens when you try to socialise, they can shove it. Images of the twins and Amber falling about hysterically on the cushion make me paranoid. I have never felt so lonely and glimpse once more at the woods before closing the window. It’s peaceful out there, and the night sky is clear. I crawl beneath the safety of my duvet.
5
Wings
TWO WEEKS EARLIER: SATURDAY
I’m walking through the woods, and the mist swirls at my feet making me feel like I’m walking through water. I feel alive and can see the energy of each tree, everything is glowing – it’s so beautiful. He’s waiting for me there, the mist evaporating as we run to each other. Every movement seems to mimic the other, and I’m laughing as we stand inches apart. He lifts his hands upward and I copy him, smiling. I feel a surge of happiness, and we both push our hands together. I frown and so does he, but we are blocked. The air between us ripples like water. I look at him in confusion and can see he feels the same way.
‘Hawk, what’s happening, I can’t reach you? He’s shouting something back, but I can’t hear him. The anxiety deepens when I plunge my hand further in; it feels like a magnet, pulling me in.
‘Hawk?’ I’m screaming now. He looks as stunned as me and it makes me even more frightened. I look to the side and try to follow the wall with my eyes, but it seems to slice endlessly through the trees. I freeze, when I notice a dark shadow approaching from behind. The figure is distorted like a mirage and I can’t see clearly. I want to warn Hawk, but he can’t hear me. I’m slapping the ripples desperately and pointing, but he keeps mimicking me and my frustration is building. If he could just turn round, and see the shapeless dark thing. As it gets closer, it’s growing in size and threat. An image of it reaching him, swallowing feeds my growing hysteria.
Heaven's Children (Earth Totem) Page 3
