by John Scalzi
"I remember saying that they were Zoe's favorites," Jared said. "Boutin's daughter. Her name was Zoe."
"That might have been enough," Cainen agreed.
"Maybe you should have some more jellybeans," Wilson joked.
"I did," Jared said, seriously. He had asked Colonel Robbins to get him a new bag; he was too embarrassed from his earlier vomiting to ask for one himself. Jared had sat in his new quarters, bag in hand, slowly eating black jellybeans for an hour.
"And?" Wilson asked. Jared just shook his head.
"Let me show you something, Private," Cainen said, and pressed a button on his keyboard. In the display area of his desk, three small light shows appeared. Cainen pointed to one. "This is a representation of Charles Boutin's consciousness, a copy of which, thanks to his technological industriousness, we have on file. This next one is a representation of your own consciousness, taken from during your training period." Jared looked surprised. "Yes, Private, they've been keeping tabs on you; you've been their science experiment since you were born. But this is just a representation. Unlike Boutin's consciousness, they don't have yours on file.
"This third image is your consciousness right now," Cainen said. "You're not trained to read these representations, but even to an uninformed eye it is clearly different than either of the other two representations. This is—we think—the first incident of your brain trying to meld what it's received of Boutin's consciousness with your own. Yesterday's incident changed you, probably permanently. Can you feel it?"
Jared thought about it. "I don't feel any different," he said, finally. "I have new memories, but I don't think I'm acting any differently than I usually do."
"Except for punching out generals," Wilson pointed out.
"It was an accident," Jared said.
"No, it wasn't," Cainen said, suddenly animated. "This is my point to you, Private. You were born to be one person. You became another. And now, you're becoming a third—a combination of the first two. If we continue on, if we're successful, more of who Boutin was will come through. You will change. Your personality could change, perhaps dramatically. Who you will become will be something different from what you are now. I want to make sure you understand this, because I want you to make a choice about whether you want this to happen."
"A choice?" Jared asked.
"Yes, Private, a choice," Cainen said. "Which is something you rarely make." He pointed to Wilson. "Lieutenant Wilson here chose this life: He signed up for the Colonial Defense Forces of his own accord. You, and all your Special Forces kind, were not given that choice. Do you realize, Private, that Special Forces soldiers are slaves? You have no say in whether you fight. You are not allowed to refuse. You're not even allowed to know that refusal is possible."
Jared was uncomfortable with this line of reasoning. "We don't see it that way. We're proud to serve."
"Of course you are," Cainen said. "That's how they've conditioned you since you were born, when your brain was turned on and your BrainPal thought for you and chose particular branches on the decision tree instead of others. By the time your brain was able to think on its own, the pathways that turn against choice were already laid down."
"I make choices all the time," Jared countered.
"Not big ones," Cainen said. "Through conditioning and a military life, choices were made for you all your short life, Private. Someone else chose to create you—no different than anyone else, that. But then they chose to imprint someone else's consciousness on your brain. They chose to make you a warrior. They chose the battles you would face. They chose to hand you over to us when it was convenient for them. And they would choose to have you become someone else by cracking your brain like an egg and letting Charles Boutin's consciousness run out all over yours. But I am choosing to have you choose."
"Why?" Jared asked.
"Because I can," Cainen said. "And because you should. And because apparently no one else will let you. This is your life, Private. If you choose to proceed, we'll suggest to you the ways we think will unlock more of Boutin's memories and personality."
"And if I don't?" Jared said. "What happens then?"
"Then we tell Military Research that we refuse to do anything to you," Wilson said.
"They could find someone else to do it," Jared said.
"They almost certainly will," Cainen said. "But you'll have made your choice, and we'll have made ours too."
Jared realized that Cainen had a point: In his life, all of the major choices that affected him had been decided by others. His decision-making had been limited to inconsequential things or to military situations where not choosing something would have meant he was dead. He didn't consider himself a slave, but he was forced to admit that he'd never considered not being in Special Forces. Gabriel Brahe had told his training squad that after their ten-year term of service they could colonize, and no one ever questioned why they were made to serve the ten years at all. All the Special Forces training and development subsumed individual choice to the needs of the squad or platoon; even integration— the Special Forces' great military advantage—smeared the sense of self outside of the individual and toward the group.
(At the thought of integration, Jared felt an intense pang of loneliness. When his new orders came through, Jared's integration with the 2nd Platoon was switched off. The constant low-level hum of thought and emotion from his platoon mates was cavernous in its absence. If he had not been able to draw on his first isolated experiences of consciousness, he might have gone a little mad the moment he realized he could not sense his platoon anymore. As it was, Jared had spent most of the intervening day in a solid depression. It was an amputation, bloody and raw, and only the knowledge it was likely only temporary made it bearable.)
Jared realized with a growing sense of unease just how much of his life had been dictated, chosen, ordered and commanded. He realized how ill-prepared he was to make the choice Cainen had offered him. His immediate inclination was to say yes, that he wanted to go on: to learn more about Charles Boutin, the man he was supposed to be, and to become him, in some way. But he didn't know if it was something he really wanted, or merely something that was expected of him. Jared felt resentment, not at the Colonial Union or the Special Forces, but at Cainen—for putting him in a position to question himself and his choices, or lack thereof.
"What would you do?" Jared asked Cainen.
"I'm not you," Cainen said, and refused to speak any more about it. Wilson was likewise notably unhelpful. Both went about their work in the lab while Jared thought, staring into the three representations of consciousness that were all him, in one way or another.
"I've made a choice," Jared said, more than two hours later. "I want to go on."
"Can you tell me why?" Cainen said.
"Because I want to know more about all of this," Jared said. He motioned to the image of the third consciousness. "You tell me that I'm changing. I'm becoming someone else. I believe that. But I still feel like me. I think I'll still be me, no matter what happens. And I want to know."
Jared pointed to Cainen. "You say we Special Forces are slaves. You're right. I can't argue that. But we were also told that we are the only humans born with a purpose: To keep other humans safe. I wasn't given a choice for that purpose before, but I choose it now. I choose this."
"You choose to be a slave," Cainen said.
"No," Jared said. "I stopped being a slave when I made this choice."
"But you're choosing the path those who made you a slave would have you follow," Cainen said.
"It's my choice," Jared said. "If Boutin wants to harm us, I want to stop him."
"That means you might become like him," Wilson said.
"I was supposed to be him," Jared said. "Being like him still leaves room to be me."
"So this is your choice," Cainen said.
"It is," Jared said.
"Well, thank Christ," Wilson said, clearly relieved. Cainen also appeared to relax.
Jared looked a
t the two of them strangely. "I don't understand," he said to Cainen.
"We were ordered to bring out as much of Charles Boutin in you as possible," Cainen said. "If you had said no, and we refused to follow our orders, it probably would have been a death sentence for me. I'm a prisoner of war, Private. The only reason I'm allowed what little freedom I have is because I've allowed myself to be useful. The moment I stop being useful is the moment the CDF withdraws the medicine that keeps me alive. Or they decide to kill me in some other way. Lieutenant Wilson here is not likely to be shot for disobeying the order, but from what I understand CDF prisons aren't very nice places to be."
"Insubordinates check in, but they don't check out," Wilson said.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jared said.
"Because then it wouldn't have been a fair choice for you," Wilson said.
"We decided between us that we would offer you this choice and accept the consequences," Cainen said. "Once we made our own choice on the matter, we wanted to be sure you had the same freedom we did in making your choice."
"So thank you for choosing to go on," Wilson said. "I nearly crapped myself waiting for you to make up your damn mind."
"Sorry," Jared said.
"Think on it no more," Wilson said, "because now you have another choice to make."
"We've come up with two options we think will spark a larger cascade of memories from your Boutin consciousness," Cainen said. "The first is a variation of the consciousness transfer protocol used to put Boutin in your brain in the first place. We can cycle the protocol again and embed the consciousness a second time. Now that your brain is more mature, there's an excellent chance more of the consciousness would take—indeed, that it could all take. But there are some serious possible consequences."
"Like what?" Jared asked.
"Like that your consciousness would be entirely wiped out as the new one comes in," Wilson said.
"Ah," Jared said.
"You can see how it's problematic," Cainen said.
"I don't think I want to do that one," Jared said.
"We didn't think so," Cainen said. "In which case, we have a rather less invasive plan B."
"Which is?" Jared said.
"A trip down memory lane," Wilson said. "Jellybeans were only the beginning."
NINE
Colonel James Robbins looked up at Phoenix, hovering over him in the sky. Here I am again, he thought.
General Szilard noticed Robbins' discomfort. "You don't really like the general's mess, do you, Colonel?" he asked, and jammed more steak in his mouth. "I hate it," Robbins said, before he quite knew what was coming out of his mouth. "Sir," he added, quickly.
"Can't say that I blame you," Szilard said, around the beef. "The whole thing of barring non-generals from eating here is six kinds of stupid. How's your water, by the way?"
Robbins glanced down at the sweating glass in front of him. "Delightfully refreshing, sir," he said.
Szilard motioned with his fork to encompass the entire general's mess. "This is our fault, you know," he said. "The Special Forces, I mean."
"How so?" asked Robbins.
"Special Forces generals would bring anyone in their command structure in here—not just officers, but their enlisted too. Because outside of combat situations, no one in Special Forces really gives a shit about rank. So you had all these Special Forces troops in here, eating the nice steaks and ogling Phoenix overhead. It got on the other generals' nerves—not just that there were enlisted in here, but that they were Ghost Brigade enlisted. This was in the early days, when the idea of soldiers less than a year old gave you realborn the creeps."
"It still does," Robbins said. "Sometimes."
"Yeah, I know," Szilard said. "But you people hide it better now. Anyway, after a while the realborn generals let it be known that this was their own playpen. And now all anyone else gets in here is one of those delightfully refreshing glasses of water you've got there, Colonel. So on behalf of the Special Forces, I apologize to you for the inconvenience."
"Thank you, General," Robbins said. "I'm not hungry anyway."
"Good for you," Szilard said, and ate some more of his steak. Colonel Robbins eyed the general's meal. In fact, he was hungry, but it wouldn't have been politic to note it. Robbins made a mental note for the next time he was summoned to a meeting in the general's mess: Eat something first.
Szilard swallowed his steak and turned his attention back to Robbins. "Colonel, have you heard of the Esto system? Don't look it up, just tell me if you know it."
"I'm not aware of it," Robbins said.
"How about Krana? Mauna Kea? Sheffield?"
"I know the Mauna Kea on Earth," Robbin said. "But I assume that's not the one you're talking about."
"It's not." Szilard motioned again with his fork, waving it to indicate some point past the eastern limb of Phoenix. "Mauna Kea system is that way, just short of Phoenix's Skip Drive horizon. New colony there."
"Hawaiians?" Robbins asked.
"Of course not," Szilard said. "It's mostly Tamils, from what my data tell me. They don't name the system, they just live there."
"What's so interesting about this system?" Robbins said.
"The fact that less than three days ago a Special Forces cruiser disappeared in it," Szilard said.
"It was attacked?" Robbins asked. "Destroyed?"
"No," Szilard said. "It disappeared. No contact once it arrived in the system."
"Did it hail the colony?" Robbins asked.
"It wouldn't have done that," Szilard said, in a flat tone that suggested to Robbins that he shouldn't pursue the details.
He didn't. "Maybe something happened to the ship when it reentered real space," he said instead.
"We skipped in a sensor done," Szilard said. "No ship. No black box. No debris along the projected flight path. Nothing. It's gone."
"That's weird," Robbins said.
"No," Szilard said. "What's weird is that it was the fourth Special Forces ship this has happened to this month."
Robbins stared at Szilard blankly. "You've lost four cruisers? How?"
"Well, if we knew that, Colonel, we'd be off stomping on someone's neck," Szilard said. "That fact that what I'm actually doing is eating this steak in front of you should be an indication we are as in the dark as anyone."
"But you do think someone is behind this," Robbins said. "And it's not just an issue with the ships or their Skip Drives."
"Of course we do," Szilard said. "Having one ship disappear is a random incident. Having four disappear in a month is a fucking trend. This is not a problem with the ships or the drives."
"Who do you think is behind it?" Robbins said.
Szilard set down his utensils, irritable. "Christ, Robbins," he said. "Do you think I'm talking to you because I don't have friends?"
Robbins smiled wryly, in spite of himself. "The Obin, then," he said.
"The Obin," Szilard said. "Yes. The ones who have Charles Boutin tucked away somewhere. All the systems our ships disappeared from either are close to Obin space or are planets the Obin contested for at one point or another. That's a slender thread, but it's what we have at the moment. What we don't have is the how or why, and that's where I was hoping you might be able to shed some light."
"You want to know where we are with Private Dirac," Robbins said.
"If you don't mind," Szilard said, and picked up his utensils again.
"It's slow going," Robbins admitted. "We think the memory breach happened because of stress and sensory input. We can't put the same sort of pressure on him that combat did, but we have been introducing him to parts of Boutin's life one piece at a time."
"His records?" Szilard asked.
"No," Robbins said. "At least not the reports and files on Boutin that were written or recorded by other people. Those aren't from Boutin himself, and we don't want to introduce an outside point of view. Cainen and Lieutenant Wilson are working with primary sources—Boutin's recordings and notes—and wi
th Boutin's things."
"You mean things Boutin owned?" Szilard asked.
"Things he owned, things he liked—remember the jellybeans— or things from other people that he knew. We've also taken Dirac to the places where Boutin lived and grew up. He was originally from Phoenix, you know. It's just a quick trip down by shuttle."
"It's nice he gets field trips," Szilard said, only a little dismissively. "But you said it was slow going."
"More of Boutin is coming out," Robbins said. "But much of it seems to be in personality. I've read Private Dirac's psychological profile; up to now he's been something of a passive character. Things happened to him rather than him making them happen. And for the first week or so he was with us he was like that. But over the last three weeks he's been becoming more assertive and more directed. And that's more in line with who Boutin was, psychologically speaking."
"So he's becoming more like Boutin. Fine," Szilard said. "But is he remembering anything?"
"Well, that's just it," Robbins said. "There's very little memory coming back. What's coming back is mostly about his family life, not his work. We'll run him recordings of Boutin making voice notes of his projects and he'll listen to them blankly. Show him a picture of Boutin's little girl, and he gets twitchy for a minute, and then he'll tell you about what was going on in the picture. It's frustrating."
Szilard chewed for a moment, thinking. Robbins took advantage of the pause to enjoy his water. It wasn't quite as refreshing as he'd previously suggested.
"The memories of his little girl don't lead to any tangential memories coming up?" Szilard asked.
"Sometimes," Robbins said. "A picture of Boutin and his daughter at some research base he was stationed at reminded him of some of the work he'd been doing there. Some early research on consciousness buffering, before he came back to Phoenix Station and started working on it using the technology we'd gotten from the Consu. But he didn't remember anything useful, in terms of why Boutin would decide to turn traitor."
