Fritz was ecstatic. His day had finally come! He was terrible at sports and was always the last picked on every team. Because his class had never gone swimming in Scary Pool before, Fritz had never had a chance to show them the one thing he was good at.
Everyone else groaned in aggravation.
Scary Pool was not a place many entered and made it out alive.
Each kid in Mr. Grump’s class got into an official Scary School bathing suit. The suits were brightly colored in oranges and yellows so that the wearer stood out in case there was an emergency. Unfortunately, the bright colors also attracted the most dangerous creatures in the pool, but we’ll get to that in a moment.
The water of Scary Pool was as black as tar. Nobody could see what lurked within its depths. It was also enormous—the size of a football field. Just swimming one lap looked like it would take the entire gym class period.
Something about the pool seemed vaguely familiar to Mr. Grump, but he couldn’t say why.
Bubbles started bubbling up on the surface of the pool. When they popped, growling sounds could be heard. There was definitely something alive in there.
“All right,” said Mr. Snakeskin. “Who wants to jump in first?”
All the kids shook their heads and backed away. Even Fritz was hesitant. He wanted to show how well he swam, but he didn’t want to get eaten in the process.
“No volunteers, eh?” Mr. Snakeskin huffed. “It’s perfectly safe. I’ll go in first to show you.”
Mr. Snakeskin bent his knees on the diving board, held the pose for a few seconds, then did a perfect dive into the water.
He disappeared beneath the surface. After several moments, Mr. Snakeskin had still not come back up. Each second that Mr. Snakeskin didn’t appear felt like an hour.
Then, dozens of bubbles began popping up on the water’s surface. Each time a bubble popped, they could hear the gurgled voice of Mr. Snakeskin shouting, “Help!…Help!…Help!”
The class turned to the one they relied on in situations like this—Fred, the boy without fear. Fred had once pulled twenty-two students and a teacher to safety from a fire in science class. Of course, the only one he didn’t save was yours truly, but I’m learning to forgive him. A little.
This time Fred shrugged his shoulders and said, “Don’t look at me. I don’t swim well at all.”
The class started to panic. Fritz knew he was the only one who could save the gym teacher. He tightened his swim goggles and stepped to the front of the pool.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Lindsey shouted.
Fritz declared, “I’m doing…what I was born to do.”
As Fritz dived into the water, the students screamed in terror.
Beneath the surface, the water was murky, but Fritz’s goggles allowed him to see just well enough to navigate.
He swam toward the middle of the pool, where the bubbles had surfaced. Something started nipping at Fred’s toes. He turned his head and saw several piranhas trying to bite them, like his toes were little chicken nuggets. The piranhas’ teeth were razor sharp, and drops of blood began seeping into the water around Fritz’s feet.
The scent of blood attracted more piranhas. A feeding frenzy was about to erupt. Fritz guessed that in about five seconds, he would no longer have feet.
Fritz switched from search mode to escape mode. He kicked his legs as hard as he could, taking off like a bullet through the water. The swift piranhas remained hot on his tail, and Fritz was running out of air.
He surged upward and went airborne, sucking in as much air as he could. The piranhas were unrelenting. They followed him out of the water, creating an arch of hungry flying fish.
The class cheered when Fritz burst from the water. But as soon as the piranhas leaped out of the water after him, they screamed. They were certain Fritz was a goner.
Back in the water, Fritz saw a light shining through the murk. He swam toward it with the piranhas in pursuit.
When he swam through the light, the scenery changed drastically. He was no longer in dark, murky water. Now the water was a crystal-clear blue. The piranhas halted behind him, as if blocked by an invisible wall. Before him was a beautiful, vibrant coral reef.
There were colorful clown fish, sinuous jellyfish, concealed eels, a carnival of barnacles, and cuddly cuttlefish generating dynamic displays of luminous light. (That, my dear readers, is called flowery writing. For your sake, I don’t do it often, but I couldn’t resist.)
There was still no sign of Mr. Snakeskin, and only one place Fritz hadn’t looked. He took a deep breath of air from the surface, then swam into an ominous underwater cave.
Fritz’s perfect vision was of no use in the pitch-black cave. He had to rely on his imperfect ears. Then—a sound in the darkness! It was the blubbering voice of Mr. Snakeskin calling for help. Fritz just needed some sort of light.
Then Fritz felt something slimy on his leg. A cuttlefish! Fritz grabbed hold of the football-sized mollusk. The cuttlefish created its own bioluminescence. When Fritz squeezed the cuttlefish, the cave lit up like a multicolored disco ball.
Fortunately, Fritz was able to spot Mr. Snakeskin. Unfortunately, Mr. Snakeskin was grasped in the claws of a hundred-foot sea monster with the head of a barracuda.
The light drew the attention of the sea monster. It lunged toward Fritz with its eighty-foot neck, but Fritz took off like a bumblebee, making dizzying circles around the monster’s head. The sea monster continued snapping, but Fritz was so fast it was like trying to catch a fly with your bare hands.
Fritz squeezed the cuttlefish on and off, creating a strobe effect in the dark cave, further confusing the monster. It grew weary and released its grip on Mr. Snakeskin. Fritz seized the opportunity and dashed toward him. Mr. Snakeskin deftly grabbed on to Fritz’s shoulder as he swam by.
Fritz churned his mighty legs and dragged Mr. Snakeskin out of the cave like a speedy tugboat. The monster roared in frustration, and the roar created an underwater wave that pushed Fritz ahead.
Fritz and Mr. Snakeskin surfaced, riding a thirty-foot tidal wave all the way back to shore. The class was cheering like crazy.
Mr. Grump pulled Fritz and Mr. Snakeskin onto land with his brawny trunk. Fritz breathed the sweet, sweet air as deeply as he could.
Mr. Snakeskin immediately bounded up and shook the water off himself. Then he opened his skull, took out his brain, and wrung the water out like a sponge. As he placed his brain back in his head, he said to the class, “See? It’s perfectly safe!”
All of a sudden, the hundred-foot sea monster rose out of the water.
“Kids,” Mr. Snakeskin declared, “say hello to Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. It gets very cold in Scotland, so Scary Pool is her home for fall and winter.”
“Hi, Nessie,” said the class.
The monster let out a bloodcurdling roar, which was her way of saying hello back.
“Mr. Snakeskin, how did you survive underwater for so long?” asked Frank, which is pronounced “Rachel.”
“I’m half zombie. I survived hundreds of years buried underground. A few minutes underwater is no big deal. And I must apologize to all of you. The other side of the pool is the not-so-certain-death area. This side of the pool is the certain-death area. I always get them confused.”
The students smacked their hands on their foreheads.
For the remainder of gym, Mr. Grump’s students went swimming in the not-so-certain-death area. As long as Fritz was in the water, every kid felt safe. Mr. Grump even joined the fun and sprayed water with his trunk. It was the best gym class ever, thanks to Fritz.
After that day, Fritz was no longer viewed as the worst athlete in the class. He was now considered the best athlete in the class. Instead of being picked last on every team, he was always picked first.
Unfortunately, Fritz’s talents did not extend to land sports, and the teams that chose him first always lost.
13
A Monstrous Halloween
After a rev
oltingly delicious lunch of peanut butter and jellyfish, scrambled vulture eggs, and broccoli cake, the students made their way to Petrified Pavilion for the special Halloween assembly.
As they took their seats, Principal Headcrusher took the stage and raised her enormous hands to her mouth.
“Happy Halloween,” Principal Headcrusher announced, sounding loud even to the students with their ears plugged. “As you are aware, we have no choice but to watch the goblins’ Halloween play before we move on to more important matters. I am aware there is very little chance of this happening, but please try to enjoy the goblins’ production of Little Red Riding Hood.”
At this point, the goblins did their performance of Little Red Riding Hood, but this year it was so awful and poorly executed, I couldn’t bring myself to force you to read about it. I’m just not that mean. If you really want to read about what happened though, you can head over to my website, ScarySchool.com. Click on the link near Goblin Hill and you can read to your heart’s content, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
For now I’ll tell you that not a single person clapped, and the goblins didn’t even deserve that much applause.
As the curtain closed on them, Principal Headcrusher took the stage and said, “Yikes! And I thought last year was bad when they destroyed the playground! Now to the important matter at hand. I have invited a special guest who will give us some valuable tips on how we can survive the upcoming monster attack on the school. Please welcome Ms. Stingbottom!”
Every kid in the school stood up and cheered. Ms. Stingbottom was one of their favorite guest teachers. She taught basic Monster Math, which, as you remember, Charles Nukid had put to good use in scaring off the monster-pirates.
Ms. Stingbottom stepped up to the podium. She was covered in pink fur from head to foot. She had the head of a lion, the claws of a lobster, and the tail of a stingray. She also wore a very fashionable purple dress that matched her purple purse and purple makeup. All the girls were jealous of her outfit, except for Petunia, of course.
“Awoo-Aloo, my precious students of Scary School!” she exclaimed.
“Awoo-Aloo,” the students joyously replied. That made Ms. Stingbottom so happy she did a double backflip.
“I wish I could be here under more cheerful circumstances, but unfortunately I bear only bad news. As a monster, I must admit that members of my species do tend to overreact when they feel they have been insulted. I tried to convince them that you are all very nice children who do not deserve a gruesome death, but I’m afraid I was unsuccessful. Our dragon friends have been tracking their movements, and I feel it is important that you all see this.”
Ms. Stingbottom pressed a remote control button, and a giant screen lowered from the ceiling.
“This is live streaming footage of what is occurring just ten thousand miles away.”
A thousand menacing monster-pirate ships filled the screen. The students gasped.
“Yes,” Ms. Stingbottom declared, “I fear that one thousand ships are on their way to Scary School even as we speak. The good news is that the monster-pirates are not the world’s best navigators. They took off in the wrong direction, which has bought us some time. Nonetheless, they will eventually circle the Earth. I estimate they will arrive here in sixty-five thousand weeks.”
All the students did some quick Monster Math in their heads and realized that meant just six human weeks. Everyone looked around nervously, but then Wendy Crumkin raised her hand.
“Yes, Wendy?”
“When they get here, can’t we just use Monster Math to scare them away?”
“That is the worst news,” Ms. Stingbottom said, shaking her furry lion’s head with dozens of pretty ribbons tied to it. “The monsters have all bought…” She could barely muster the words and sobbed as she said, “Earplugs!”
The students groaned. Many had been practicing shouting small numbers, but now that seemed all for naught.
“The monsters won’t be able to hear anything you say, so you will have to think of a new way to survive the attack. My precious darlings, it is times like this when it is most important to remember what we are fighting for. It is something that most monsters do not even know the meaning of. Love. The love of Charles Nukid and Princess Zogette.”
“I don’t like her!” Charles shouted from the thick of the crowd.
“Indeed,” said Ms. Stingbottom, “their affection has transformed into something quite a bit more than ‘like,’ and it is the most beautiful thing in the world. Will Charles Nukid and Princess Zogette please join me onstage?”
“Huzzah!” Zogette exclaimed, taking Charles in her arms and flying them down to the stage.
Ms. Stingbottom gazed upon the princess and recoiled.
“Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?” she asked the crowd. “Seriously, is this the face? She’s hideous even by monster standards. But to each his own, I guess.”
Lindsey shouted from the seats, “Hey! Don’t judge her by her looks!”
Charles couldn’t have been more embarrassed. Princess Zogette was hugging and kissing and pinching him all over.
Ms. Stingbottom continued, “Look upon them, students of Scary School. The purity of their love and devotion is worth defending. It is worth fighting for. It is worth dying for.”
Charles decided he had had enough. At that moment, he no longer cared about how much sleep he would lose if he broke a rule. He didn’t even care if the princess devoured him in a fit of rage. He was going to break up with her and put an end to this madness.
He turned to give Zogette a piece of his mind, but saw she was holding out a great big present for him.
“Ooohh, Charles,” she said, “you are the bravest man in the world. I can never repay you for saving me from the misery of becoming a monster-pirate’s bride. Please take this Halloween present as a token of my eternal gratitude.”
Charles unwrapped the box. Inside was something so beautiful it left him speechless.
A brand-new, limited edition, Guitar Legend guitar. It looked like it was made of pure gold with sparkling silver trim. The head was in the shape of a thunderbolt. There were signatures all over the face.
“I pulled a few strings, pun intended, and got the guitar signed by all your favorite Monsters of Rock,” the princess announced with pride.
Charles examined the signatures and his jaw dropped. There was Deaddie Van Halen, Jack-o’-lantern White, Dave Troll, Shivers Cuomo—just to name a few. If you know who they are, you have great taste in music.
He held the guitar in his arms, still speechless. He looked at Zogette’s toady smiling face and couldn’t bring himself to break up with her. He meekly said, “Thank you. It’s the best present anyone’s ever given me.” Zogette was so happy, she flicked out her frog tongue and gave Charles a sloppy lick on the face.
“Awww,” said the entire crowd, except Penny.
“You see,” proclaimed Ms. Stingbottom, “this is what love is all about—a weird toad creature and a skinny human making each other happy. Awoo-Aloo to the both of you.”
Up in the crowd, Penny Possum’s giant eyes were filling with giant tears. Charles noticed and tried to wave to her, but the princess yanked him into her belly and gave him a big, smelly hug.
Later that day, Charles managed to break away from Zogette and went looking for Penny Possum. He found her in her favorite hiding spot between lockers 217 and 218.
Penny glared at him with her big eyes.
“Penny,” he said, “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I really miss you. You were my best friend. I still want you to be.”
He mussed up his perfectly coiffed hair just to make her laugh. Penny’s grim expression didn’t change.
“Listen,” Charles pleaded, “we haven’t talked in a long time. Fifty-five and a half days, to be exact. I mean, I know we never talked anyway, but we at least had—”
Before Charles could finish, Penny had keeled over and played dead, telling him without words that
the conversation was over.
Charles exhaled deeply as his heart sank. Walking away, he carefully put each hair back in its place.
14
Eddie Bookman Doesn’t Exist…Or Does He?
Eddie Bookman is no-doubt-about-it, hundred-percent-guaranteed, certain that he doesn’t actually exist. In fact, he is absolutely convinced that he is a fictional character in a fictional book.
Everyone at Scary School thinks he’s crazy, but perhaps he’s the least crazy of them all.
On a brisk November morning, Eddie was sitting in King Khufu’s class. He believed with all his heart that he wasn’t really there. King Khufu asked everyone to pass forward their homework.
Everyone always did their homework in King Khufu’s class because they were scared to death that Khufu would place a horrible curse on them if they failed to. That is exactly the reason why parents pay so much to send their kids to Scary School. Being in constant fear of losing their lives makes the children work harder than they’ve ever worked.
As a result, Scary School produces the smartest, most over-achieving human students in the world.
As soon as King Khufu noticed Eddie’s homework was missing, his bandaged limbs froze and he glowered at Eddie with his ancient eyes. He unwrapped the cloth that usually covered his mouth, and the stench of his ancient breath filled the room.
“Mr. Bookman,” hissed King Khufu, “where is your homework?”
“I didn’t do it,” Eddie answered calmly.
“And may I ask why?”
“Because I don’t exist.”
The class burst into laughter, and even King Khufu chuckled.
“What do you mean you don’t exist?”
“I mean I’m a character in a book—and a very weird book at that. Some writer made me up, probably just a few minutes ago. So if that’s all I am—the figment of some weird writer’s imagination—what is the point of doing homework?”
Monsters on the March Page 7
