“You can do that?”
“I have a lot of vacation time accumulated. I explained that it was a personal matter. If Cami brings my laptop, I can work a little here. My boss was very understanding.”
I stroked Maddox’s palm and long fingers. I lifted his hand to my cheek, holding it to my skin. I whispered a silent prayer for him, his friends, and the strength I would need to get through the next week and whatever occurred once Maddox woke.
Bentley brushed a kiss on my head. “I’m going to give you some privacy. When you’re ready, come get me, and we’ll figure everything out.”
“Okay.”
The door shut behind him, and the only sounds were the machines. I held Maddox’s hand, staring at him, fighting the guilt. I knew it was a useless emotion. It wasn’t going to help Maddox, yet I still felt it.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry my words put you in the path of that car, Maddox. I’ll regret that the rest of my life. But I need you to fight right now. Fight to get better and come back. Aiden and Bentley need you.” I stifled a sob. “I need you. I need you to open your eyes, tell me you’re pissed with me, and call me Deirdre. I’ll take it.”
There was no movement, not that I expected it. Still, I spoke. “You rest and find your strength. I’ll be right here while you do, and I’ll be here when you wake.” I swallowed the painful lump in my throat. “I promise.”
I held his hand to my face and I cried.
The next few days developed into a routine that I found I relied on. Bentley arrived every morning, Sandy midday, and Aiden late afternoon. Reid came for a couple of hours daily, though his times varied. Cami spent the evenings with me, and now that Emmy was feeling better, she came as well. The hospital staff was very good at ignoring the fact that often there were more than two people in Maddox’s room at a time. We were quiet, and I was certain Bentley had made a large enough contribution, nothing was said.
I got to know the nurses and doctors by name. The care and professionalism they showed helped keep me calm.
I made sure to give each person some alone time with Maddox, taking the opportunity to shower, go for a walk, speak to the office, or some other task to stay busy. When it was Maddox and me, I would talk to him about everything. I discussed whatever I was working on for the office, what the nurses were gossiping about, or some silly show I had turned on in the middle of the night—anything so if he could somehow hear, he knew he wasn’t alone. As news of Maddox’s accident came out, his room began to fill with flowers. The scents were rich and lovely, helping cover the antiseptic smell of the hospital. Every arrangement that arrived, I took a picture of and described it in great detail to Maddox. I read him the notes and tucked them all away in order to send thank you cards once he was well enough.
I touched him constantly. I rubbed lotion into his skin, put Chapstick on his dry lips, and gently stretched his muscles. Aiden had demonstrated some helpful exercises, patiently showing me the right way to move Maddox’s legs and arms so that when he woke, his body wouldn’t be as atrophied.
The swelling in his brain was going down, and the doctors were pleased. I was counting down the hours until they withdrew the drugs that kept him asleep. They cautioned us it might take him some time to wake fully, and we still didn’t know what to expect when he did. I was intensely anxious. But fewer drugs meant he was on the road to recovery. Whatever happened after he awoke, we could deal with.
He had to wake up, though.
There was a quiet knock at the door, and I was shocked when I glanced up to see Richard VanRyan poke his head into the room. I was sitting beside Maddox, holding his hand, and had been reading out loud. I shut the book and stood, surprised to see him.
“Richard?”
“May I come in?”
“Of course.”
He entered, pulling a small suitcase. “Getting in here is harder than Fort Knox,” he said. “I had to get Bentley on the phone.”
“There’ve been reporters lurking around.”
“I understand.”
He stood at the end of the bed, his hands wrapped around the bar. “How is he?”
I ran my fingers over Maddox’s face. The bruises were beginning to fade, but were still prominent.
“He is going to be fine.”
“Of course he will be.”
“They are considering bringing him out of the coma since the swelling has reduced so much. Allow him to wake on his own.”
“That’s good news.”
“It is,” I agreed. “Why are you here, Richard?”
He sighed. “I don’t know if you know this, Dee, but I spoke with Maddox when all that shit was going down. We got pretty tight. I’ve been very concerned about what happened after I heard the news, so Katy told me to come and see for myself. I was driving her crazy with worrying.”
I joined him at the end of the bed and patted his hand. “That is incredibly kind. Maddox told me about what you did. I know you talked some sense into him.”
“I think he would have come to the same conclusion on his own. I helped get him there a little faster is all.” He lowered his voice. “They got her?”
“Yes. They grabbed her before she boarded a flight later that morning. She had been here for a while watching Maddox. Planning this. She thought no one would find out. Her plan had been to hit him, drive away, and no one be the wiser.”
“I think she needs to stick to acting, because she’s a shit criminal, as well as a shit human.”
His words made me smile.
“The only place she’ll be acting is in a prisoner drama club. She’s facing charges of attempted murder. They have an eyewitness, her signature on the rental car paperwork, and the dent she put in the car when she hit Maddox. Plus, she was so out of it, she sang like a bird, then claimed coercion. She is crazy.” I curled my hands in anger. “I hope she rots in prison.”
“I think she sealed the deal.”
I nodded in agreement.
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m fine.”
He chuckled and gave me a fast, one-armed hug. “I learned early on in my relationship with Katy that ‘I’m fine’ means the complete opposite.”
“I’m holding up then.”
“Better, but I still think you’re sugarcoating it. Are you sleeping?”
“Not much.”
“Not eating either, I would say.”
“I’m doing the best I can.”
He sighed. “Okay, I get it. You want me to mind my own business. I’ll let you push me away for now. Why don’t you go for a walk and get some fresh air? It’s a nice day, and you need the break. I’ll sit with him.”
I glanced out the window. The sun was out for a change, and I hadn’t been outside during the day since this happened.
“He’ll be fine, Dee. I’ll show him pictures of my wife and kids until he’s so bored he wakes up and tells me to shut my mouth.”
Again, he made me smile.
“Okay. A short one.”
“Nope. I don’t want to see you here for a couple of hours. Take a walk, get some food. It will do you good.” He pointed to Maddox. “He’s going to need you more than ever when he wakes up. So you need to look after yourself.” He sat down beside Maddox. “Now go.”
I grabbed my purse and sweater, looking over my shoulder. Richard was leaning close to Maddox, talking.
“Dude, you landed in garbage and still managed to hit your head? I am going to hold that over your snooty ass when you come around. You in a pile of garbage—something I never thought I’d see.”
I had to shake my head. Aiden and Bentley had been doing the same thing. Teasing him relentlessly. I knew it was how they kept their spirits up and the complexity of their relationship intact. They laughed, teased, and kept it light.
It was how they dealt because they couldn’t handle it otherwise.
It showed me how much Richard VanRyan cared.
I slipped away, knowing Maddox was in g
ood hands.
After picking at a sandwich, I wandered outside and sat on a bench in the sun, enjoying the fresh air. I let the sounds fade away, concentrating on my breathing.
In, out, in, out. Slow and deep—the same way I did when I sat by Maddox.
“Dee?”
I glanced up, startled at the sound of my name, blank for a moment until recognition set in.
“Lori!”
I stood and hugged my old therapist. She stepped back, holding my arms.
“How are you?”
Before I could respond, she frowned. “Why are you at the hospital? Are you okay? Is Cami?”
My chin quivered, but I hastened to assure her we were both fine.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “This isn’t where you used to work.”
“I do a couple of days a week here, plus my office hours, now.”
“Oh.”
She studied me. “Are you sure you’re okay, Dee?”
Something in her voice broke me, and I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide my tears.
“Okay,” she soothed. “Come with me.”
“No, really, I’m fine.”
She tugged my hand. “What did I always tell you during our sessions, Dee? No bullshit. Let’s go.”
I didn’t argue.
Once we were in her office, we sat down in familiar fashion. She was in a straight-backed chair, with tall arms, where she preferred to balance her notebook. I sat in a large, deep armchair that surrounded me, the plushness putting me at ease so our timed session flowed.
But today, there was no notebook and no clock—simply two women talking.
“Tell me,” she urged.
That was all it took. I broke and told her everything. How Emmy met Bentley, Cami married Aiden, my feelings of loss. Maddox. My confusion. My guilt. The fear that I did love him but couldn’t risk the same behavior as my mother and lose myself. I talked for over forty minutes, and not once did she interrupt me or say anything. She handed me tissues and otherwise listened. When I finally stopped talking, she bent forward, crossed her legs, and leaned on her elbows, staring at me.
“Holy shit.”
For some reason, I started to laugh at her declaration.
She shook her head. “How has your head not exploded, Dee?”
I wiped my eyes and shrugged my shoulders.
She leaned back and huffed out a huge breath of air. “Okay, I only have a little while left before I have to go, so I’m going to put this in a nutshell for you.”
“All right.”
“First, you never should have stopped therapy.”
“But I was off the antidepressants and doing so well!”
“You were on the road, Dee, but the journey wasn’t complete. I told you then you weren’t ready, but you didn’t listen.” She narrowed her eyes. “You never told anyone you were in therapy. You hid it as if it were something shameful. Without support, we can never truly heal.”
I gnawed at my thumb, her words soaking into my befuddled brain. She was right. I had been ashamed I needed therapy. To admit it meant I was like my mother.
“Still abusing your thumb, I see.” She tapped my hand. “And no, you are not like your mother, and I’m going to tell you why.”
I pulled my thumb out of my mouth, feeling guilty. I hadn’t even realized I had muttered my thoughts out loud.
“Dee, you were barely in your twenties when you went through the ordeal with Todd. It forced you to grow up fast, but emotionally, you weren’t ready for that sort of relationship. For a normal, well-adjusted adult, it was a train wreck. For someone with no experience, of course it devastated you. You learned from it, but unfortunately the lessons you held on to from it were the wrong ones.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You have avoided love, intimacy for all these years. Used sex as a release without becoming involved. You cut yourself off because of the fear you would become like your mother.” She shook her head and held my gaze. “You are nothing like her, Dee. Your mother was ill. The trauma you went through caused a reaction. Simply put—depression. A condition many people suffer from to varying degrees. Some have a bout or two, and that is it. Some suffer from it constantly, the darkness always present in their lives. You have lived in fear of it all this time.” She pumped her leg in agitation. “I should have refused to let you stop coming to see me.”
A glimmer of a smile touched my lips. “I don’t think you can do that.”
“No, but I wish I had pushed it more. You need therapy.” She paused and gave me a pointed look. “And you need to stop being a chickenshit and admit your feelings for this man.”
My eyes widened at her bluntness.
She shrugged. “I’m not your therapist right now. I’m just a friend listening.” She leaned forward. “Do you know how precious a gift of love is? You told me how Maddox didn’t believe in it either, yet he was brave enough to admit he felt it. Reached out to you. Said the words.”
“I know.”
“Tell me right now, without thinking, do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Then when he wakes, tell him.”
“What if he’s changed his mind?” I asked, voicing the fear inside.
“From what you’ve told me, I don’t think that will happen. But if it does, then you’ll know you tried. The world won’t end, Dee. You’ll get out of bed the next day, a little sad and a little weary, but you’ll carry on.” She smiled and reached for my hand. “You will not fall apart again.”
“What if I become my mother with him? Losing myself and becoming only what I think he needs? Putting him above everything else?”
“I don’t think he would allow that to happen. He loves you the way you are Dee, not what he wants you to be. And you aren’t built that way either. You are far stronger than your mother, and you need to see that.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you’re not the same girl you were all those years ago. You’ve grown and changed. You’re a woman. A responsible, caring, slightly off-kilter woman who loves a man and needs to stop denying it.”
“Off-kilter?”
She raised her eyebrows.
I laughed. “Okay, off-kilter works.”
“I’m glad to see you smile.”
I sighed. “I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much my entire life. It’s not normal for me.”
She tilted her head. “Maybe it’s time you did cry, Dee. You don’t have to be strong all the time anymore. Sometimes crying is your body’s way of ridding itself of the stress inside. It is saying ‘enough.’”
Again, she made sense.
She glanced at her watch. “Life is meant to be lived, Dee. We have one shot at it. Laugh, cry, love. Don’t hide in the shadows—take a page from Cami’s book. Grab it and live.”
All the air left my lungs as I thought about her words.
She stood, reaching in her purse. She handed me a card. “Please call me. Come see me and let me help you work through it all in your head.”
I stood and hugged her. “I will. I promise.”
“Good. Now I have to go. I’m meeting my husband and daughter.”
“You’re married! Oh, how wonderful, Lori. I didn’t know.”
“It is.” She winked. “I highly recommend it.” She tapped the card. “Call me.”
I followed her down the hall, stopping in the cafeteria to get coffee. I got one for Richard, then hurried back to the room, realizing I had been gone for almost two hours.
I rushed through the door. Richard glanced up. “Oh, here she is. I’ll stop talking now. I’m sure you prefer her voice to mine.”
He stood with a smile. “Everything’s fine, Dee.” He studied my face, gratefully accepting the coffee I handed him. “You look like you’ve been crying. Are you okay?”
I looked at Maddox, lying still in the bed, waiting to wake so he could begin to live again. I was ready to join him.
“Yes,” I
assured him. “Yes, I’ll be fine.”
As soon as Maddox woke up, I would be perfect.
Dee
THE NEXT DAY, they stopped the medication that kept Maddox in a coma. Dr. Sampson was very careful as he explained to us that there was a good chance Maddox would still be unconscious for a while and not to panic. The tests showed brain activity, but it was up to Maddox when he woke. Dr. Sampson told us what we saw on TV was not factual.
“He won’t awaken in an instant and be fully functioning. It takes time, and his body is still recovering.”
We waited for two full days before we saw any change in him. It was subtle. His fingers would twitch. A few times, his eyes flickered open, only to stare blankly and fall shut again. His body would spasm, and on occasion, a guttural sound escaped his mouth. They assured us it was all normal, the pain medication still in effect, and they were positive signs.
I found them frightening, yet with each one, I prayed he was coming back to us. I was never alone now. Someone was always with me. Richard had only stayed for a couple of days, but he was there constantly. After he left, Aiden or Bentley was there, neither one wanting to leave in case he woke. They took turns, leaving briefly to catch up on things at the office, and returning. They dozed in one of the big chairs, always alert. Cami and Emmy sat with me, making sure I ate and showered. The bathroom was the farthest they could get me away from Maddox.
It was late one night while Aiden dozed and I sat with Cami that I told her everything. The affair, the fallout, the deep depression I had sunk into, and the therapy I had sought. I also told her the truth about what happened between Maddox and me. Her eyes filled with tears when I stopped talking.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the affair and what you were going through?”
“You were young, Cami. I was trying to look after you. I could barely understand it myself, never mind talk about it with you.”
“And Maddox?”
I looked toward the bed. The light in the corner cast a shadow over Maddox’s handsome face. He was still, his chest rising and falling with his breathing. Without the noises of the machines, I could hear his steady rhythm and took comfort in it.
Maddox ~ Melanie Moreland Page 21
