“You’re talking to a reporter who’s just been pouring out her life history.”
His expression sobered as he stared across at her. “In part that’s why I’d like to tell you. We seem to have breached the unwritten rule of don’t get personally involved. You mentioned that you felt so much freer once you began to discover who you really were. I’d like to feel that too. I’ve never found anyone I thought I could trust. At least until now.”
“I feel honored,” she said. “And I swear that nothing will go into my magazine article that you don’t approve of.”
She held up her hand as if taking an oath. He waved it away. He pushed his chair back and got up, pacing across the porch and back.
“I don’t know how much you got from your research, but I’ll assume nothing of real importance except the usual statistics. I grew up here in Grand Rapids. Being the son of the chief of police meant I was constantly under scrutiny. I wanted to live in a big city where I could be anonymous. After high school, I went to Case Western Reserve in Cleveland. It was the big time compared to Grand Rapids.”
Clare sat quietly listening as he paced back and forth. In part it was like he was talking to himself as well as her, trying to explain his motivations.
“I’d been dating Rebecca all through high school. She was shy and nurturing and encouraged everything I did. Her folks had a farm, and after high school she stayed home helping them work it.Her brother was a couple years younger and he helped out too. When I graduated from college, we married and moved to Cleveland. I was going on for a master’s and had a part-time teaching assistant job. It was exciting being in the city and I thought Rebecca would enjoy it all as much as I did.”
“She didn’t?”
Nate shook his head. “No. She’d never been outside of Minnesota, and she missed her parents and her brother. Max and his wife Susie moved to Bemidji, but when Rebecca was in Minnesota she could see them frequently. She didn’t like living in the city and she was never comfortable with the academic crowd. I was busy, and she didn’t have anything to do. I suggested she take classes, but she said she hated school. Finally, she got a job working at a day care center.”
Clare could almost sense what was coming. Even to her mind it seemed a marriage doomed from the start.
“It wasn’t long before she wanted to have a baby. After three years of marriage, I didn’t know if the marriage was worth saving. I may sound like a real bastard, but Rebecca bored me. She hadn’t grown any since high school. Aside from live theater, she wasn’t interested in books, history, politics, or travel. The only thing she wanted was to be a mother.”
“I can understand that,” Clare said.
“You can?”
“Yes. I’ve known girls like Rebecca. All they ever want out of life is marriage and a baby. Some of them will settle for the baby. It’s the need for unconditional love that a baby gives. I don’t know if that’s true, but it makes some sense. When you’re young you don’t think about the long-term consequences.”
Nate nodded as if he understood. He stopped pacing and leaned against the porch railing, arms folded across his chest. “Along with everything else, I’d been working on my first book. I know now that Rebecca must have felt totally alone. When I sold the book, she gave me what I took to be an ultimatum. She looked at the contract and said: ‘You’ve got your baby. Now I want mine.’ Erika was born a year later.”
“Was she thrilled?”
“Yes. There was a glow to her that had been missing for several years. The baby might have saved us if I hadn’t been such an arrogant prick.Field of Reedswas not only a literary success but also a huge commercial success. I was just twenty-six, and loved every one of the reviews. I was the darling of talk shows and thrived on the excitement of the book signings.”
“I can see that. Rebecca was right. She was busy with her baby and you had yours. I’ve interviewed enough authors to realize in general they’re a pain in the butt. And the more acclaimed they are, the more inflated their ego and their sense of entitlement.”
Nate shifted slightly as if uncomfortable with the assessment. “I was all of that and more. Fame is a corrupting force. Suddenly people are listening eagerly to your every word as if you know more than you did before the book was published. People want to be around you. A tight circle of friends. From those people you get no criticism, so you tend to cut yourself off from the real friends who might be inclined to tell you off.”
He went back to pacing. “After Erika was born, the marriage went downhill. Rebecca was depressed and took the baby back to Minnesota as often as I’d let her. And to my eternal damnation, I was glad when she was gone. From my lofty position in the literary world, Rebecca was provincial and unsupportive. I drifted into a stupid affair with my publicist. A friend of hers was kind enough to let Rebecca know about that.”
“Somebody always seems to feel it’s their responsibility. I know you feel guilty, as I’m sure Rebecca was devastated.”
“She was.” He bit the words off as if it pained him to think aboutit again. “I talked to her about it. I told her that it was only a fling, not a relationship. She said she was at fault because she’d been so busy with the baby. At that moment I wanted to shake her, because I knew it was all my fault. I felt grateful that she could love me no matter what I’d done. I vowed to make it up to her.”
Clare could hear the pain in his voice. He was brutally honest about his own culpability and in truth she knew he was to blame for much of it. Granted the marriage had been a mismatch, but it sounded as if Rebecca wasn’t the most stable person.
“Her parents died that year. Rebecca was grief stricken. She and Erika stayed with her brother in Bemidji for a month then came back to Cleveland. She was deeply depressed. I got her some counseling and it seemed to help a bit. For our sixth anniversary I thought a vacation might help. The one thing Rebecca liked was thetheater. My parents agreed to watch Erika for a weekend while we went to New York. I got tickets to some plays. It was going to be a second honeymoon.”
Nate cleared his throat several times before he could continue.
“At the urging of my publisher, I agreed to do an afternoon talk show and speak at a luncheon. Rebecca didn’t want to go to the lunch. She said she’d rather shop. So once again she was alone. She was cheerful at dinner that last night. I put it down to the fact we were going home. We went to bed early because we had a flight the next morning. The phone woke me at midnight. It was the police. They asked me to come to the hospital. Rebecca’s body had been found in the East River.”
S
Chapter Ten
“She was in the river? What happened to her?” Clare asked. “The police said she was found near the United Nations area.
They said there was no evidence of foul play. It was assumed she
either fell or jumped into the river, although no one knew why she
was even in the area. They were wavering between suicide and accident.”
Nate shook his head as if he still found it difficult to believe. “The thought that Erika would one day see the death certificate made me determined to prevent a finding of suicide. When
they asked if she’d been depressed, I said absolutely not. I said she
was excited about going home to our daughter. Even the doorman
said she’d seemed cheerful when she went out around ten thirty.
She had a room key in her pocket and her wallet so they were able
to track me down at the hotel. After a full investigation, her death
was ruled an accident.”
“I’m so sorry, Nate. It must have been a dreadful time.” Clare
wanted to reach out to him but didn’t think it would be appropriate. She could see the guilt in his bowed head as if he feared it
would be visible if he raised it. “How old was Erika?” “About two and a half. Rebecca had been her caretaker. I
barely knew her, let alone how to be her father. My parents stayed
> for a while after the funeral, but then they returned to Grand
Rapids. Alone in Cleveland, I left Erika most days with a babysitter and drank a good bit of the time. Although everyone was very understanding in the beginning, it wasn’t long before my teaching assistant’s job was no longer available. My life was falling apart and
I decided to come back to Minnesota.”
He stopped talking and sat down sideways on the railing,
looking out over the lake. Clare didn’t know how long he’d been
speaking. She had been so fascinated by the recital that the time
didn’t seem to matter. His honesty was impressive. He made no
excuses for himself, just stating the facts and his shortcomings as
they had happened. It was interesting to note that his body was
less tense than when he had started talking.
“Before you continue, would you like something cold to
drink?”
He didn’t turn back, just spoke over his shoulder. “That
would be great. Some ice water, please.”
Inside, she got down a flowered metal tray and glasses. Filling
a glass pitcher with ice, she added water and set it on the tray. Nate
was still standing with his back to the door, but he seemed to sense
her presence and walked over to open the door. Clare set the tray
on the table and poured two glasses of water. She handed one to
Nate.
He drank the whole glass and then poured a refill. “I’m
parched. I’m not used to talking for any length of time. And you
were muttering about telling your life story. I’ve been babbling on
for ages.”
“Like me, you’ve had a lot bottled up inside. My guess is
you’ll feel better for getting some of it out.” Picking up her glass
ofwater, she returned to her chair. She took a long sip and then
asked, “How long has Rebecca been gone?”
Hethought for a minute. “It’s almost nine years. Hard to
believe but Erika is eleven now.”
“You’ve done a fine job raising her.”
Nate let out a harsh laugh that had very little humor in it. “That’s actually what I started out to tell you. Remember
I said that my parents moved to Florida to get away from us?”
Clare nodded. “When I came back to Grand Rapids, I assumed my parents would be delighted to help out. My father was retired and mother adored Erika. I suggested that I leave her with them dur
ing the day and then pick her up at bedtime.”
Clare’s mouth widened in a grin. From what little he had told
her about his mother, she suspected that suggestion wouldn’t go
down well. Nate took another drink of his water, smiling at her
over the rim of the glass.
“You guessed it. She said, ‘This child is yours and you damn
well better pull yourself together and figure out how to raise her.’ ” “I do like your mother. That’s probably the only thing that
would have caught your attention. So they moved to Florida to
force your hand?”
“Actually, not right away. She wanted to make sure I would
figure it out before starving Erika or botching the whole job.” His
mouth curved into a soft smile and he appeared to be thinking
back to that time. “I, of course, was furious. I felt like the starcrossed father cast out in the winter storm, clutching a baby to my
manly breast.”
“Nice visual,” Clare said. “I hope you had a scarf wrapped
around you like Little Eva.”
“I can see I’m going to get little sympathy from you,” he said,
dropping down into his chair. “Back at the house I’d rented, I
sulked until Erika started to cry. Luckily Mother had packed a basket of kid-friendly food and other necessities. I wasn’t totally inept,
but I sure wasn’t happy.”
“How long did it take for you to fall in love with Erika?” “About a week,” he grinned sheepishly. “Thank God, Mother
stopped by, ‘when she happened to be in the neighborhood,’ to
drop off food and to show me how to give Erika a bath and other
assorted things. By the end of two weeks, I was less terrified of
making a mistake. I was exhausted both mentally and physically.
When Erika slept, I slept.”
“Just like a new mother.”
“It was quite a time.” He chuckled. “I learned you can’t put
ona diaper when you’re angry. All those damn sticky tabs get stuck on the wrong areas and then you pick the baby up and it falls off. I must have gone through four boxes of diapers in the first two
days.”
“Well you can certainly be proud of your accomplishment.
Erika is a lovely child. Your mother was right to force you to step
up.”
“She’s told me that many times. That fall she knew everything
was going to work out well. The first cold snap and she and Dad
bolted for sunny climes. I took Erika to Florida that first Christmas, but they stayed down until May. By the time they returned, I
was a full-time father and back to writing.”
“Well done, Nate. It’s really a remarkable story. Thank you
for sharing it with me.”
They sat in silence for a while. Drinking water and enjoying
each other’s company. Nate raised his arms over his head, stretching his body.
“I have to admit I haven’t felt this relaxed in ages,” he said. “What’s that old saying? Confession is good for the soul?” “Speaking of souls reminds me that my body hasn’t had any
food for a while. Would you like to go out to lunch?” “I would. But don’t you have things to do? Erika?” “Erika’s with a friend so I don’t have anything to do all afternoon. Uh-oh. Excuse me. I’ve got a call.” He reached in his
pocket for his cell phone. “It’s Erika,” he said as he flipped the
phone open. “What’s up?”
Clare put the glasses and the pitcher back on the tray, as Nate
listened to his daughter. She added the cardboard box with the
jewelry case inside. Wanting to give him some privacy, she took the
tray back into the house. She had just finished putting the glasses
in the dishwasher when Nate came inside.
“I spoke too soon. Erika and her friend Cindy have been at a
knitting class at the library. She’s been invited to spend the night
at Cindy’s house. I need to pick them up because they want to go
swimming and Erika needs to pack her things so I can drop them
atCindy’s next-door neighbor whose mother will take them to the pool.” He snapped the phone closed. “The social schedule of an elevenyear-old is very complicated during summer vacation. It’s
hard for me to keep up.”
“Wait until she starts dating, if you think it’s bad now.” Nate groaned. “I don’t want to go there. The good news is
thatnow I’m free for dinner. Any chance you want to go to one of
Grand Rapids’s finest dining spots?”
“I’ve got some research to do at city hall, but I’m free after
that.”
Nate headed for the front door. “I’ll pick you up at seven
thirty if that’s good for you.”
“See you then,” Clare said as she closed the door behind him. Taking the cardboard box into the bedroom, she checked the
closet and pulled out a white eyelet shirtdress. Holding it up, she
examined it for wrinkles and decided it was neither too formal nor
too casual. Looking in the mirror, she noted the flushed cheeks
&n
bsp; and chided herself for being so pleased about spending the evening
with Nate. She hung the dress back in the closet and gathered her
notebook for her trip to City Hall.
She parked the car and walked across the park to the stone steps leading into City Hall. After consulting with the security guard, she was directed to a room at the end of the hall. Inside was a long counter with stools and several writing areas along the wall. Other than a young woman seated at one of the desks behind the counter and another man looking through a pile of file folders, the room wasempty. The clerk rose and came across to the counter. Clare glanced at her name tag.
“Hi, Taffy. I called yesterday and asked where I could get copies of birth certificates and marriage licenses. I have a list.”
Clare opened her notebook and withdrew a paper with the names and dates she had written down.
“That will help a lot,” Taffy said. She walked away, glancing down at the paper in her hand.
“I’ll be right here.” Clare pulled out a stool and sat down as the clerk moved away. Opening her notebook again, she looked over her notes to see if there was anything else she needed to do.
She became aware of the hushed conversation between the young clerk and the man at the other desk. From his surreptitious glances it was apparent that she was the topic of their conversation. When Taffy went into the adjoining room, the man closed the files, put them in his briefcase and then stood up. Straightening his suit jacket, he crossed to the counter, flipped up a section, and came toward her.
“Taffy said to tell you that it will take her a few minutes before she can locate the files and make the copies you need.”
“Thank you,” Clare said.
“She said you’re a reporter. She saw your press credentials,” he said by way of explanation. “Are you up from the cities?”
“No. Chicago.”
“Long way to come for a story, isn’t it?” When she didn’t answer immediately, his face reddened. “Sorry for seeming to be so inquisitive. I should be welcoming you to Grand Rapids. I’m Bruce Young.”
“Clare Prentice,” she said giving his hand a firm shake. “I’m here to interview Nathan Hanssen.”
His eyebrows raised. “Nate doesn’t do a lot of interviews.”
Conspiracy of Silence Page 14
