The Desires of a Countess

by Jenna Petersen

  Before he could ask, she continued, “I will also require that you don’t interfere with the way I raise Jack. In fact, it might be best if we both go on living our lives the way we were before we met.”

  His questions on the earlier subject faded away, replaced by shock and anger. “Are you telling me to live a life away from you? That you wouldn’t want our marriage to be real?”

  She winced at his hard words, then dropped her stare with a slow nod.

  “And what of our children? Would you expect me to stay away from them, as well?”

  Her eyes flew to his and her face was a mask of utter surprise. “You wish to have children with me?”

  He drew back. Until he’d said the words out loud, he’d never considered having children of his own. But he did want them.

  “I have a business to carry on, along with my name. After all I’ve done to give the Webber name weight and clear it from my father’s tarnish, I’d like to pass it to a son.”

  “Yes, you’ve earned that,” she muttered as she sank her teeth into her lip in consideration.

  “But I wouldn’t allow you to keep me from my sons and daughters.” He took a step forward to cup her chin and raise her face to his. In her eyes, strong emotions collided. Fear, anguish and something else. Something heated that she quickly covered. “You won’t make me my father’s son in every sense of the word.”

  Her eyes softened and for a brief moment she looked like the woman he’d nearly made love to a few hours before, not the harder one denying him now.

  “I would never do that, Simon. I’d never keep you from your children should we be lucky enough to have them.” She covered the hand that cupped her chin with her own. “We would make arrangements when that time came. But…”

  She pulled away slowly and a curious emptiness filled him. “But?”

  “The rest of my terms still stand.” She turned her back to him but he was sure he heard her mutter, “They must for me to even consider this solution.”

  Taking a few steps toward her, he touched her shoulders. “Why this change? Earlier tonight you wanted me, why not now?”

  She flinched away. “A marriage has nothing to do with desire.”

  “It could,” he said and found himself believing it with all his heart. Obviously she didn’t as she walked to the door. “Ours could.”

  She stopped with a sigh. “Not for me. Now I’m tired and I want to go home and see my little boy. If you’ll excuse me.”

  “Ginny,” he called out. She turned back slowly and he struggled for something to say. But the emotions roiling in him were too powerful to share with her at that moment. He let out his breath. “Is it decided then?”

  She nodded. “If this is the only way to protect Jack’s future, I’ll marry you.”

  Then she turned away again and walked out the door. Simon stared at where she’d stood for a long moment. Emptiness consumed him. An emptiness he hadn’t felt since the moment he’d met Virginia Blanchard. An emptiness he finally understood.

  He’d just let the woman he loved walk away from him.

  ***

  “Where were you?” Ginny asked as she wiped away the tears she’d been crying for over an hour.

  Harriet looked up at her with wide green eyes as she passed by the parlor door. “What in heavens name-?”

  “I looked all over for you at the ball,” Ginny sniffled as she fought to regain her composure. “And I thought sure when it happened you’d come find me, but you never did. What am I supposed to do now?”

  Harriet shed her wrap and came into the parlor where Ginny sat by the fire having a drink. “Calm down. Just take a few deep breaths.”

  As Ginny did as she’d been told, Harriet sank down beside her and took her hand. “Now tell me what happened?”

  “What happened? You want me to tell you what happened? Surely you heard all about it!” she cried in disbelief.

  Harriet flushed and withdrew her hands. “No, I didn’t hear anything. I-I-”

  Ginny’s eyes widened. Harriet didn’t know? Perhaps the gossip hadn’t been so very terrible. Or perhaps… she looked her friend up and down. She looked disheveled, and not as a person did after a night of dancing.

  Suspicion crept through her. “Weren’t you at the ball?”

  “Of course I was at the ball. Where would I have been if not at the ball?” Her friend rose to her feet and crossed to the window. “I heard some rumblings but I was, uh, chatting with a friend most of the night. An old friend from childhood. So what was the ton talking about?”

  Ginny narrowed her eyes. She had doubts about her friend’s story, but she needed advice more than she needed the truth. There would be plenty of time for that later.

  “Simon and I went to a room in Lady Hornsbey’s home.” She blushed as the memories overtook her, hot and insistent. “And we began to… to make love.”

  “Virginia Blanchard!” Harriet said, but there was laughter in her voice along with disbelief. “In a public place?”

  “Yes. A bit too public.” She took in a shuddering breath. “Cordelia walked in on us and made enough noise to bring in the entirety of Society to take a peek.” She covered her hot cheeks with icy hands. “Including Noah, who decided that the entire matter should be decided by fisticuffs.”

  “Well,” Harriet shrugged one shoulder though her voice was anything but calm. “That’s better than pistols, I suppose.”

  “Not for Simon’s eye.”

  “Oh, dear.” Harriet folded her hands in her lap. “Not the same one, I hope.”

  Ginny nodded. “And now the mothers are going on about our having to marry to save my reputation and preserve Jack’s chance at a future. And if that isn’t bad enough, Simon agrees. So I’m going to-”

  Her friend’s eyes went impossibly wide. “Wait! Simon agrees?”

  Ginny flopped herself into a chair. “Unfortunately, yes. He thinks we should marry. And I was too stunned to formulate an alternate plan.”

  “So you said yes?” Impossibly wide grew painfully wide.

  “Close your mouth, I said I’d get married, not that I’d agree to lead the His Majesties Army.”

  “One is almost as shocking as the other.” Harriet shook her head. “I think I need a drink.”

  “Make another one for me, too,” Ginny said. She rubbed her eyes as her friend went to do just that. “I didn’t know what to do. So I told him I’d marry him only if he stayed away. And then he started talking about having children together and everything seemed so blurry and-and-” Her bravado broke down and the sting of renewed tears pricked her eyes.

  “And what?”

  Glancing up at her friend, she sobbed, “And I love him. I’m totally and completely in love with the man. And when he said we should get married, even though he was saying it was the only option, my heart soared.”

  Harriet’s own eyes filled with tears at Ginny’s confession. She set down the drinks and rushed to her friend’s side to embrace her. “Oh Ginny, I’m so happy for you. I thought your experience with Henry would keep you from allowing yourself happiness, but when Simon came to Westdale I prayed that would change. And now all my prayers have come true.”

  Ginny shrugged out of her friend’s arms. “No, don’t you see? It’s horrible and awful.”

  She swiped angrily at the tears she couldn’t seem to control. She’d never cried so much, even when Henry had struck her. Even the night she’d made sure he’d never do it again.

  But enter Simon Webber and all her strength melted away, replaced by lust and love and the ability to feel pain she’d hidden in her heart for years.

  “Why?” Harriet’s face was full of disbelief. “If you love him and you’re going to marry him, how could that ever be bad?”

  She let out a sigh of exasperation. “Because he doesn’t know about Henry. He doesn’t know what I did that night. And if he ever found out, he’d certainly stop caring for me and he’d probably send me to the brig.”

  “For heaven�
�s sake,” Harriet snapped as she threw up her hands. “Do you really think Simon would throw you to the wolves?”

  With a shrug, Ginny shut her eyes. “I don’t know. He’s always going on about what’s best for Jack. He might decide having a murderess for a mother won’t be.”

  The color had drained from her best friend’s face at her plain speech and her eyes danced with emotion. “You defended yourself that night.”

  Ginny refused to look away from her friend. “I clubbed Henry over the head with a fire poker.”

  Harriet winced at the image. “He might have killed you.”

  “He’d beaten me plenty of times before and he never had. Simon could see it that way, as well. I can’t take the risk that he will.”

  She shivered as she imagined Simon’s angry eyes. Henry had been his kin after all. Even if he hated him, he might not appreciate his murder.

  “What are you saying?”

  She fought against the emotions that threatened to take over every time she remembered her situation. “I’m going to be married to the man I love and I’m never going to be able to tell him. I’m going to have to push him away like I don’t care about him, when in reality, I’ll be dying a little each day he’s not with me. And I’m going to bear him children and be forced to see him in their eyes. It’s going to be hell.”

  Harriet came off her chair like a bullet and grabbed both Ginny’s shoulders. She shook her twice. “Unless you tell him the truth, all the truth about that night and why you had to kill Henry. Simon has never done anything to prove he wouldn’t help you and understand why you did those things that night. How you had to protect yourself and Jack. Give him the chance, better yet, give yourself the chance.” She shook her one more time. “Please.”

  Ginny shut her eyes as choices hit her from all sides. She reeled with all the possibilities and emotions and decisions she had to make. What was right? What was best? She didn’t know.

  But slowly, one image pushed itself forward through all the confusion and pain. Simon’s face. He was smiling at her and she could see in his eyes that he’d never turn away from her, no matter what she’d done.

  Harriet was right. He had proven he would stand beside her no matter what she did to keep him away. Perhaps she could make him see what she’d faced that terrible night, and how quickly things had gotten out of hand.

  “Perhaps.”

  It took a moment for her to realize she’d said the word out loud, then Harriet hugged her. “Please, please consider it. If I know you’ll try than I can-” She stopped abruptly and pushed from Ginny’s arms.

  “You can what?”

  Harriet had been acting strangely since she’d come home, and now that Ginny had cleared some of her own demons from her mind, she could see her friend was still acting peculiarly.

  “Nothing important.” She shook her head with a blush. “I just want to see you happy.”

  Ginny wrinkled her brow. She and her friend had never kept secrets, the fact that the other woman knew about Henry’s real cause of death proved that. But now she was facing a reticent, blushing Harriet whose face told her she wouldn’t reveal anything further.

  “I’ll think about what you’ve said,” Ginny said cautiously. “For now I have so much to do. I have wedding plans to make, and I need to send a message to Westdale and let the staff know of our change of plans. Perhaps I can decide after I’ve cleared my head a little.”

  Harriet let out a sigh of relief. Then her friend wrapped warm arms around her and squeezed. “Just think about it. Please, for all of us.”

  Ginny let out a shuddering breath. “So, who was this friend-?” she began, happy to change the focus of the conversation.

  Harriet’s face paled as she leapt back to her feet. “No one you know. I should change out of this gown. Good night.”

  “G-Good night,” she stammered in shock as she stared at her friend’s retreating back.

  When Harriet had gone, Ginny stood up and looked into the glowing fire. Telling Simon the truth about the night of Henry’s death would take a leap of faith on her part. A trust she’d buried away the first time her late husband struck her. But in the past few weeks that trust had surfaced again. She’d given it to Simon before. But this would be her biggest challenge yet.

  Because if he didn’t take her confession well, her whole life could change forever. Her son could be put in danger and not even her family name could save her. She could only hope that the love and faith she had in Simon would prove to be well-placed. And that maybe, somewhere in his heart, he felt some of the same for her.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Ginny jumped as the door behind her shut and she spun around with a gasp of surprise. Simon almost felt badly about interrupting her without warning, but then he hadn’t had much time with her since that fateful night of the ball. And that was nearly a week before. Now it was time they had a talk. The most important one they’d ever had.

  “Are you avoiding me?” he asked as he leaned back against the door to stare at her.

  Her blue eyes met his and a brief moment of unguarded emotion flashed there before she skillfully covered it. When would she come to trust him? Would she ever? And if she did, would she then allow him into her heart, even just the tiniest bit?

  “Aren’t you afraid someone will open that door and you’ll fall on your-your-”

  “My ass?” he finished with a grin.

  Pushing off, he came toward her a few steps. Again, heat filled her gaze and he smiled. No matter what she did to hide it, she’d missed him as much as he’d missed her. And God, how he’d missed her. Touching her, tasting her, but more than that, just being with her. Especially since he’d finally admitted to himself that he was in love with her.

  She nodded with a chuckle that touched his very heart. If only he could make her laugh like that all the time.

  “You would like that wouldn’t you?” he teased, grateful that they weren’t at odds for the moment. “To see me sprawled across the hallway floor like an idiot.”

  She swatted him across the chest with some of the papers in her hand. “You are an idiot.”

  Laughing, he caught her hand and drew it to his lips, pushing their teasing aside as he kissed her knuckles. She made a low sound in her throat and pulled her hand away.

  “That’s the very thing that got us in this mess, you know,” she said as she turned away. Even though she tried to hide it, he saw her shoulders tremble. “The very thing.”

  “Actually,” he whispered as he came up behind her and put one hand on each hip. “This is what got us into this mess.”

  He eased her back up against him and rolled their hips in a slow circle. She let out her breath in a long sigh and leaned back in surrender. But only for a moment.

  “No, Simon. No. I can’t-we can’t.” She pulled away and took several skittering steps toward the doorway. When she looked at him there was as much pain in her face as there was in his body. “In fact, we should open this door and just reduce the temptation.”

  She grabbed at the handle, but he pushed back against the wood.

  “Why reduce the temptation? We’re getting married, why avoid doing the things that make us both feel so good? Because I know you wanted me as much as I wanted you the night of Lady Hornsbey’s ball.”

  He’d been so close to heaven once again and to have it stolen out from under him was frustrating. Even more frustrating had been Ginny’s avoidance of him ever since. She refused to see him alone, always found some reason to run away when he came to talk to her. What had changed beyond this marriage she so obviously didn’t want?

  And why did that hurt so much? It wasn’t as if she hadn’t made her feelings clear to him before. It was the love he felt for her that made her rejection sting so. She didn’t feel the same way and it killed him. He’d known there was a reason why he’d always avoided giving his heart. But now he’d done it, and it was too late to turn back.

  Ginny locked eyes with him briefly, then broke
the gaze. “Simon, what we want and what we can have are often very different things. I forgot that for a while with you, but I can’t forget it again.”

  “Why? Why can’t what you want and what you need be the same?” He slid his thumb across her cheek.

  “They can’t.” She backed away from his touch. “They just can’t.”

  Simon cocked his head. Before she turned her face, he saw fear in her eyes. The same fear he’d seen there when he’d first met her in Westdale. He’d thought those fears she associated with him were gone. Apparently not.

  But what was their cause? He’d proven he would never physically harm her. And he’d done his best to show her he would protect her and her son if they were threatened in any other way. What more could she want?

  But maybe she was afraid of other things. The same things that kept Simon up at night. The feelings they’d begun to develop toward each other. If that were the case, they had a chance.

  “Did you come here for something specific?” she asked.

  He gave her a lopsided grin. “What would you say if I told you I came here to have my wicked way with you up against that wall?”

  He pointed behind her and she glanced over her shoulder. He’d been teasing, but the slight glaze in her eyes made him picture that very clearly. Her with her legs wrapped around him as he braced himself on the wall and drove into her.

  “I’d tell you I don’t have time to do anything wicked.” She covered her desire with a placating smile. “Really, Simon. Mama is insisting we make a small splash with the wedding to show Society that we aren’t affected by any scandal. She claims I need a dress made and flowers and a whole list of other chores. I must choose a design from these sketches and…”

  He scowled as he crossed the room in three long strides and grabbed the first sketch on the table. He tossed it to her. “There. Wear that. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’ll look devastating. I didn’t come here to argue or even to have my wicked way with you.”