by A. R. Rivera
The problem then became privacy. The band was sharing one room with two queen size beds.
Andrew claimed one, Max claimed the other. Avery laughed from a chair in the corner. But I could tell she felt sorry for me.
“Take a walk?” Jake asked, nudging my elbow.
We strolled the empty corridors of the motel, passing up ice machines and payphones. An older couple passed us. They were both dripping water, wrapped in towels, and holding hands, talking with one another in a way that said they had been together for a very long time.
“Sorry.” Jake murmured once they passed.
“For what?” I stopped walking.
“For not thinking ahead. For not being able to finish what I started.” His eyes smoldered. “We could just make out in the van?”
I was standing in front of a glass door. The one the older couple had passed through. Just beyond it was the motels’ enclosed pool. I looked through the smoked glass at the empty lounge chairs, the sparkling water, and pressed on the door. It was unlocked. We walked inside and Jake pushed the door closed. His long fingers deftly turned the deadbolt, locking the door from the inside.
He turned back to me, wide-eyed. “Is this okay?”
I felt my body straighten, preening as I nodded. “Definitely.”
He took my hand in his and pulled me towards another doorway that was labeled ‘employees only.’ He took a quick look through the room without stepping in and reached one arm inside. The lights of the swimming area went out.
We kept walking. The poolside was now solely lit by a hallway that led to showers. Jake grabbed a fluffy lounge chair and set it in a dark corner in the back, out of sight.
I stared down at the red and white stripes of the cushion and felt his lips on my neck. All my muscles went limp under his sweet pressure. His arms came around my waist and those nerve endings flared again. A fire exploded within. My hips instinctively pushed against him. I gasped as his fingers knotted into my hair, his nails scraping my scalp as he turned me to face him.
“I don’t know if I ever told you, but I think you’re very beautiful.” His palm rested against my face.
“So are you.”
His eyes seemed to search mine before making a groping march down to my mouth. He tilted my head up to his; set another hot palm over the place where my neck met my shoulder. His thumb grazed my throat. I released a pleasured sigh.
“If I moving too fast, you’ll tell me, right?” His lips grazed mine as he whispered.
I nodded, aching for his kiss. But I had to wait. He kept his eyes on mine as he laid me down on the red and white striped chaise. Once again, his knees separated mine, making room for his hips as he pressed his weight onto me, picking up where he left off in the van. A glorious shiver ran through me as Jake hovered above me, finally closing the distance between our mouths. His kisses were hypnotic: demanding and sweet, breathing into me, taking pleasure and giving it back. I was dazed. Illuminated, by his glorious blaze, dancing in the fire he kindled.
I heard myself whine with guilt and delight as he lifted my shirt. Guilt, that I had snuck off and left Avery, and delight, because Jake felt so good, and more guilt because I was acting like such a groupie, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop. I could only be thankful that I borrowed Avery’s black lacy bra. It was a little too snug, but made my boobs look great. I yanked Jakes shirt off in turn and tossed it aside as his fingers moved to my jeans.
Jake was the one who stopped, but only to investigate the small set of lines over my hip bone. His thumb grazed my side. His brows knit together as he tugged the top of my jeans a little lower to better see the marks I had given myself as an experiment. As I was trying to remember which underwear I was wearing, he backed up onto his knees and I realized what was happening.
Chagrin gathered in my cheeks and I confessed before he asked. “I’m not a cutter. I just tried it a few times.”
“What do you mean by tried?”
“Well . . . uh, my friend, she does it. She says it helps her feel better and I wanted to know what she meant, so I did it with her.” I kept Avery’s name out of it, knowing she’d want me to.
“Create a hurt that she could feel. And take away. To make it heal.” Jakes eyes drifted as he spoke rhythmically, as if he were reciting a poem or lyrics. Then his gaze came back to mine with renewed ferocity. “I get it. But you shouldn’t do it anymore.”
I nodded my agreement, setting my hands on his beautifully bare stomach. He was lean, with subtle but powerful cuts around each muscle group. The thin line of hair below his belly button felt silky under my fingers as Jake leaned into my touch.
“Turn over.” He commanded, with dark eyes.
I hesitated a moment, confused. Then, did as he said. Jake grabbed my hips and lifted me up onto my knees. The denim slid slowly down my legs and I fell forward as he pulled. I felt him touch the exposed skin on the backs of my thighs as he peeled the denim away.
I’d never felt so vulnerable as when his lips touched low on my bare back. I liked the way it felt, but it was so unexpected, so alien. I froze like a thief caught in a spotlight; glad he couldn’t see my face.
The heat of his breath disappeared. The cushion beneath me shifted. “Angel?” I turned to face his raised eyebrows. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I want to.” I was glad the lights were low. I didn’t want him to see how tense I was.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
Two thumps and Jakes shoes hit the concrete floor behind him. Quickly standing, Jake removed everything from his lower half in one motion. Before I could appreciate the sight of him, he swooped back down, forcing my body onto the chaise until he was, once more, completely on top of me. His magical kisses relaxed me. His gifted hands held me tight.
A languorous moan rumbled through my chest as he moved his mouth down my neck. “Oh, I like that.” Jake whispered as he nibbled my ear. “Are you noisy? Should I make you scream?”
I gasped and froze; too shocked to remember what I was doing just a moment ago.
Jake pulled back just enough to look me in the eye. “I’m making you uncomfortable.” It wasn’t a question.
My hands suddenly tingled. My flushed cheeks ran cold.
Jake sighed and sat up. “It’s okay, Angel. I’m not trying to take advantage of you.”
I sat up, too. “I want this. I do. It’s just—I’ve never . . . you know. And I don’t want to disappoint you.”
His shoulders dropped while the gaze he’d kept trained on me shifted to the wall beyond. He offered a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “This is wrong.” He shook his head. “We should wait.”
My heart seemed to crack at those last three words and I couldn’t hide my regret for telling him. I couldn’t explain how I felt. I hadn’t snuck away that morning, planning on throwing myself at Jake. I was just going to watch him sing and pretend he was doing it for me. But he asked me for this and I was more than willing to give him my all. I just didn’t know how.
The hot pricks of tears swelled behind my eyes, as did the shame of my inexperience. I wanted to disappear and drew my knees up to my chest. The thought of stopping, of not having him, made me wilt.
“Hey.” He reached out, taking hold of my shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
I took a pleading breath. “I’ve been waiting my whole life.”
After thinking for a long moment, he spoke. “You can be so sweet,” Jake grinned. “Are you sure?”
I nodded.
“To be honest, Angel, the second I said ‘wait’, I wished to take it back.”
“You did? You want to?”
He placed the backs of his fingers against my cheek. “Are you serious? I can’t be the first guy to try. I mean, you’re so damn beautiful. I wanna . . .” He moved his hands erratically in the air between us. “Do things to you. You make me feel like a caveman.”
My mind filled with a cartoony image of Cro-Magn
on-Jake. It stretched my face into a grin. “You wanna club me and drag me away by my hair?”
He gave a slight smile, running his fingers down my side, to my hip. His eyes held no humor when he said, “There’ll be no clubbing, Baby Seal.” He put a hand across my throat. I watched, mesmerized as he ran his tongue across his bottom lip. “I might go for some hair pulling, though.”
My whole body seemed to go up in smoke, singed by those erotic words. My heart fluttered, feeling his fingers around the sides of my neck, his thumb grazing my throat. The touch relaxed every muscle in my body. “That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Jake moved closer, resting his other hand by my hip. “No, being the one you choose as your first is sexy.”
With a kiss, he tipped me back, pressed his full weight onto me, letting me feel his long body as his lips sank to my chin, my collar bone, then my shoulder. My entire body shuddered at the intensity of this new touch that somehow felt right and familiar. Like coming home to a place I’d never been. My insides throbbed. I needed more than his lips. Then, his hands explored me: creating new planes over my body. New sensations that made my breath catch. When I started breathing again, I was suddenly desperate, possessed, and wanting things I never knew I could. As he whispered my name, those talented fingers that had sexily strummed his guitar, slithered over me. I bit my lip and squirmed at the deep, dark ache left in the wake.
Glorious shivers washed through me when Jake said my name, connecting our bodies in the most intimate way. There was no pain, only my souls’ recognition of its mate: my Jake and his breath, this song his body was singing to me. The rhythm of his heartbeat and my breath conjoined in kisses. Our hearts crashed like waves, mingling in a passionate sea as the chaise lounge began to creak. It was a beautifully violent march—harsh and slow, building into a grating that scraped over the concrete of the pool area.
My feelings, the sounds made me smile.
Jake’s fingers knotted in my hair, drawing my attention to his off-centered gaze. His gaze burned so bright through the dark, that I could see the multihued hazel in them, but only half of his pupils. His hair fell forward—disheveled, the roots tinged with sweat—and the volcanic heat that poured from those fiery orbs commanded me to take what he gave, while the way he moved promised I would love it. The way his bottom lip curved up under his teeth as his eyes pleasurably rolled back made me want to beg him to never stop. Whatever he was feeling, I never wanted it to end. I wanted to watch him like that forever.
His passion shocked to my core. A sudden ripple shot through me, from the very center of my being, out to my fingertips: it was a liquefying cadence, beating from the heart of every cell in my body. It made me want to scream and cry his name, but my breath was gone.
I melted into him, took on his shape as he held me closer, curling my head into his chest as he relaxed against me; his heart beating loud against my ear. When he fell beside me, I still felt his pulse racing, heard his labored breathing. Jake laid an arm under my head and wrapped another around my waist, pulling me against him.
“Happy Birthday, baby.” He whispered, landing a trail of kisses from my forehead to my mouth.
The tingling ease that filled me disappeared. Suddenly hollowed out, I hid my face in the crook of his neck, kicking and cringing internally for listening to Avery. After what we’d just done, how was I going to tell him I lied? I shoved the unpleasant question into the proverbial box and locked it away, deciding I’d deal with it another time. And moved closer, clinging to the rapidly fading sweetness of the moment.
All it took was a little time, a lot of Jake, and I felt like a different person.
We made our way back to his motel room and slipped into a pallet on the floor. The lights were out, but Jake turned on a lamp and set it beside us on the rug. Avery was asleep in the far corner of the room, tucked into a tight ball on the extra wide chair. Jake pulled a tablet from his nearby duffle bag and began writing.
Then, he wrote a song for me. He called it my birthday present. I tried to refuse, but he looked so disappointed, saying I needed my own song, that I deserved it because I was his friend first. The guilt I had tucked away reared up, but I didn’t know how or where to start and kept my mouth shut as Jake called me loyal; because I never let them put me on a guest list, even though sometimes it was hard to pay for my ticket, even though going to see them play sometimes meant I had to hitchhike. But the band wasn’t with a label and what kind of fan would I be if I didn’t show my support?
In its’ original form my song, oddly titled Eve, was heavy and lurid. Sweet passion wrapped in a dirty melody. And the lyrics were beautiful. I think that’s what made me love Analog Controller so much—their music, in and of itself, was fantastic, but the melody and content of the lyrics took it all to another level. It was like the most delicious frosting on the world’s greatest cake. Decadent and sexy. Addictive. Yeah, that was Jake.
I can admit now that I was a little obsessive about it, but at the time I didn’t see it that way. Hero worship can make you see reason in the crazy.
5
—Angel
When I woke up, I was the only person in the room. Avery was gone. I found a note she left on my pillow, saying she’d walked the eight blocks back to the club to get her moms car. After peeking through the bathroom door that had been left slightly ajar, I determined Jake was in the shower. Andrew and Max were out somewhere, too.
I was wondering if I had time for my own shower when the motel phone rang. I hesitated, but then answered, in case it was important. It was Avery. She said some jerk-wad had slashed two tires on her moms’ car. She was already with the tow-truck driver on her way to get them replaced and said I needed to take a bus back because I’d get home faster.
The foster family I was staying with had been out of town that weekend. Their natural daughter and I were told to stay put. The daughter took off with her boyfriend and I took the lack of supervision as a sign that I was meant to see Analog Controller. But the only way I was getting away with sneaking off was if I got back before my guardians did.
Since Avery was stuck at the tire shop for the next few hours, I planned to take a Greyhound back to Eager, the slightly larger neighboring township that had a transit system. From there, I’d walk the last couple of miles into Carlisle. But when Jake got out of the shower and I explained my plan, he was not having it.
His coppery brown hair was hanging damp over his forehead when I followed him out to the corridor for a smoke. His hair shimmered in the new daylight, casting hues like fallen leaves. I examined each color; the sparkle of reds and browns with just the slightest tinge of golden blond. It was just then that I realized I had never seen him in the daytime. He was so much more beautiful in the natural light.
“You want me to drop you off at a bus station? That’s stupid. We’re going to the same place.” He pulled my ear lobe with his index finger and thumb, taking my attention away from his hair. “Besides aren’t you too young to travel alone, Minor?”
He grinned darkly at my shocked expression, throwing up his hand. I gasped when I saw my student ID—the one that was supposed to be tucked safely inside my wallet—between his sneaky fingers. “You’re a junior. So that makes you, what—sixteen, seventeen?”
I snatched it away from him with a righteous offense I didn’t deserve. “You were snooping? And I just turned seventeen.”
Jake’s dark smirk grew. “Yes. I’m a snoop. And you are a liar.”
I sighed, hating the turn our conversation had taken. “Why? And I will be seventeen next month. Honest.”
Jake shook his head. “Because I’m nosey and I don’t like being lied to.”
“Well, I don’t like people going through my stuff.” I felt my chest constrict and closed my eyes. I never should have said it was my birthday, I knew that, but he had no right going through my things. “If you want to know something about me, maybe you should ask.”
“I did.” He stepped closer, unfolding
his hands to set on my shoulders. As he looked into my eyes, his beautiful bluish-hazel confections with flecks of gold in the center reflected the color he was wearing. Black. “Promise not to lie to me anymore and I’ll let it go. And maybe even ask you out.”
I scoffed. “You want to ask me out?”
“Maybe. Maybe this kind of thing doesn’t happen to me every day.”
“And you’re asking me out?” I needed clarification. He had me in knots. He was mad. And he wanted . . . what?
“Maybe I want to ask you to the movies or out to dinner. Maybe just over to my house. But only if you promise not to lie to me anymore.”
I shouldn’t have hesitated. What he was asking was not so terrible. But I lied a lot back then. I had to. It was how I got what I needed, the way I covered my ass when I forgot stuff or found myself suddenly in a room I didn’t remember walking into.
Just then, Max and Andrew—who’d come back at some point during our talk—came out of the motel room and walked in between us. Jake stepped back and thumped Max on the head as he shoved passed. “You’re driving, asshole.”
Andrew winked at me as he called shotgun.
Once the path between us was clear again, Jake stepped back in, picking up our conversation. “Look, you’re taking the ride whether or not you make the promise. But I need to know,” Jake pressed a finger against my cheek, turning my face, making me look at him. “What else are you trying to hide?”
I froze, staring into the Atlantic depth of his eyes, unable to find words.
“Well?”
The blaring burst of a horn broke his spell.
“Come on.”
Taking my hand, Jake led me to the side of the van. We had to cram ourselves in between stacked amps and drums. But we both fit in the limited space that was a little more snug than the night before since the guys duffle bags were now crammed in there, too. We were about halfway back near the sliding side door with our feet down in the well of the step.
Jake set his arm around me and pulled me closer. Pressing my hair back from my face, he set his palm against my cheek. “Would it help if I told you that I don’t care about whatever it is that you think is so bad? You don’t need to hide from me.”
