by Lucy Clark
‘Even now? All these years later?’
‘Yes. Work is consuming.’
‘But is it fulfilling?’
Jennifer thought about that but wasn’t sure quite how to answer. Instead, she looked away and in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere, forced a small smile. ‘Thank you for listening. It’s very rare I talk about him.’
‘Even with Sara?’
‘Sara knew Art so I don’t need to tell her how special he was. She already knows.’
‘Talking about our loved ones, reliving memories, it helps bring them to life again…even for a few moments.’
‘Exactly.’ Jennifer nodded enthusiastically. ‘I love it that you understand these feelings. That you’re not jealous or overreacting to the power of a ghost.’
Jasper eyed her carefully for a second before venturing, ‘They’re not your words, Jen. Someone else has said that to you. A shrink, perhaps?’
‘Am I that transparent?’ She closed her eyes for a moment. ‘I sort of started to get close to a colleague back in Melbourne who was a psychiatrist. That was about four years ago and he couldn’t seem to understand that I needed my memories.’
‘Many people don’t. Sometimes all the textbooks in the world don’t make a scrap of difference if they haven’t experienced it.’
‘I’m a different person now from whom I was back then, but it doesn’t mean my past counts for nothing.’
‘On the contrary, your past has helped make you into the person you are today.’
‘Yes.’
‘The fact that you’ve loved so deeply and then lost equally as deeply is something other people don’t seem able to comprehend.’
‘I take it you’ve tried to speak to other women about Elisha?’
Jasper nodded. ‘They’re naturally curious, I guess. Especially since I have children.’
Jennifer allowed herself a small smile. ‘Most women are very nosy.’
He agreed. ‘True, but whenever I’d start to answer their questions, to tell them about the girls or Elisha, they would feel as though it was some sort of competition, like they had to live up to the standards set by Elisha if they wanted to…to…’ He searched for the right word. ‘Secure me.’
‘But that’s not the case at all.’
‘No. I would simply be answering their questions by telling them how incredibly wonderful the woman I married was.’
‘Otherwise you wouldn’t have married her.’
‘Exactly.’
‘So what was she like?’ Jennifer had been curious about Elisha, as no doubt Jasper had been about Art.
‘Blonde. Blue eyes.’
Jennifer’s smile increased. ‘I sort of gathered that by looking at the girls.’
‘She was an interior designer who loved her job, loved creating atmospheres for people to live in. I think the best way to describe her was that she was content with who she was. I envied that to a certain degree. She was happy being a home body as well, supporting me through my studies, making sure I ate properly. I’d come home from work and invariably find the furniture rearranged or to find her painting the walls.’
‘Did she decorate this place?’
‘Yes, but over the years little changes have been made.’
‘The girls following in their mother’s footsteps?’
Jasper laughed. ‘I guess you could say that especially as Lola did some…shall we say interesting artwork on her walls about three weeks ago.’
‘Oh, no.’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I hammered up a quick frame and hung it around the drawing. She was impressed.’
‘I’m surprised she didn’t do it again with that sort of reaction.’
‘Lilly wanted to but I managed to convey my dislike of unauthorised murals and supplied them with a huge pile of paper instead.’
‘They both like drawing?’
‘Yes. Again taking after Elisha. I don’t want them to lose that because they didn’t know their mother.’
‘She sounds delightful. I wish I could have met her.’
‘Likewise with Arturo.’
‘Thank you. I didn’t mean to get so melancholy on you earlier.’
‘Just having a bad day, eh?’ Jasper nodded. ‘I have them every now and then. Sometimes they creep up on you, other times it’s around special occasions, anniversaries, that sort of thing, but at least then I’m more prepared.’
‘So you have bad days, too?’ Jennifer was a little surprised at that. ‘I thought that was just me.’ For some reason this news made her feel better instantly. It was as though she wasn’t the only one who had bad days, days where she couldn’t stop thinking about Art, about what their life would have been like together.
‘I take it you didn’t attend grief counselling afterwards?’
‘I couldn’t. I’m not the sort of person who can lay myself open to complete strangers. Sara wanted me to go but…’ She shook her head. ‘I couldn’t. What I had with Art was private. Was about the two of us.’
‘I’ll bet you told yourself you were professionally trained to deal with grief, that you would figure it out sooner or later and that you didn’t need a bunch of head-shrinkers telling you what you already knew.’ As Jasper spoke, his words became softer, more personal, intimate. Jennifer watched him closely, noting the way his eyes had taken on a far-away look for a moment, as though he wasn’t quite there.
‘I take it you didn’t go to counselling either?’
‘No. Couldn’t. It was too…personal.’ He smiled and shook his head. ‘Perhaps we’re both over-achievers who think we know better?’
‘I know I am—well, an over-achiever at any rate.’ Her smile wasn’t forced now, it was natural, and Jasper was completely taken with the way it lit up her face. His eyes skimmed her face, taking in the high cheekbones, the small smattering of freckles across the nose and the long eyelashes. Her hair was pulled back into the usual bun and the itching inside him, that yearning he’d been fighting for some time, the need to pull the pins free, to let the locks fall from their constraints and frame her face in the glorious way he instinctively knew they would, was becoming more difficult to resist.
What had begun as a friendly offer of compassion from someone who’d experienced similar emotions had now rapidly turned into a deeper awareness of each other. Jennifer could see a slight scar on Jasper’s chin which she’d never noticed before. It was barely hidden beneath his unshaven face but she saw it. The urge to reach out and trace her finger over the scar, to touch it, to ask about it, was unnerving as well as ridiculous.
They’d already agreed to just be friends, to be there and support each other. She had the feeling she could learn a lot from Jasper but for her own sanity, for her own peace of mind, she needed to keep things on a platonic level.
‘I’d better get going.’
Her words broke the moment and Jasper moved away from her, knowing she was right.
‘Breakfast and a look at the house. That was the…deal.’ He’d almost said ‘date’.
‘It was, and can I just say again that those pancakes were totally amazing?’ And so were you, she added silently.
‘Thanks.’
‘Well…I guess I’ll go find the girls and say goodbye.’
‘I think they’re upstairs. If they’re not, it means they’ve been too quiet for far too long and have no doubt done something they know I won’t approve of.’
Jennifer smiled. ‘Pure mischief, eh?’
‘Yes. You have one Miss Chief but I have two.’ Jasper grinned as he led the way up the stairs to his parents’ domain and there they found both girls drawing at the table, Iris sitting nearby, reading a book. Jennifer declined another cup of tea and said her goodbyes then Jasper walked her out to her car.
‘Thanks again. For everything. Breakfast. The house. Listening.’
‘It was my pleasure.’ He leaned forward and pressed a friendly kiss to her cheek, but as he slowly pulled ba
ck and looked down into her face he realised it had been the wrong thing to do.
CHAPTER SIX
TWO weeks later at the Friday morning clinic Jennifer was starting to get exhausted from all the extra running around. Several of the department’s staff were off work, sick with colds and various forms of flu. It was a strong strain of bug which had hit the hospital hard this year and her department wasn’t the only one suffering. Meetings had been cancelled, clinics were bursting at the seams and yet the hospital seemed to be operating with almost a skeleton staff.
After seeing thirty patients, she quickly spoke to the clinic sister before heading off to the cafeteria.
‘Where are you going?’ a deep voice said from behind her. Jennifer spun around, feeling almost guilty at leaving the clinic but it would only be for a few minutes.
‘Jasper! You startled me.’ He fell into step beside her.
‘Coffee?’ he asked, his steps as eager as her own.
‘Most definitely. It’s just so busy that I need a little pick-me-up. My energy reserves are low and we still have half a clinic to get through. How about you?’
‘Same. Although I did promise Louise I’d bring her back a coffee as well.’
She smiled. ‘I promised Allan. In fact, I almost had to pull rank on him, he was so eager to get out for a few minutes.’
‘The perks of being head of unit.’
‘You could say that.’
‘Yet how does it look that you’re sneaking out to get coffee for yourself and the staff?’
‘It looks as though I’m looking after them.’ As they continued along the long corridor, she asked thoughtfully, ‘Do you think I should requisition a coffee-machine to be installed in the clinic?’
‘I think you’d win over the entire department as well as other departments that use that clinic area, not to mention the nursing and clerical staff.’
‘We had one in the clinic in Melbourne.’ They’d entered the cafeteria and headed for the coffee-machine.
‘Was that your doing?’
‘No. Someone else had done that before I arrived at the hospital but there were times too numerous to count that I silently thanked them for their forethought.’
‘Well, if it helps, I’d gladly back up your decision.’ Jasper nodded with firm resolution. ‘Go to it, Dr Thorngate. Change the department, one coffee-machine at a time.’ He leaned a little closer and his fresh, earthy scent enveloped her—the same fresh, earthy scent she’d been thinking about for weeks now. Jennifer breathed it in and tried not to close her eyes in delight. Being this near to Jasper was a definite pick-me-up and she suddenly wondered if she needed the coffee at all.
‘Although…’ His voice was rich and deep and wonderful. ‘I feel compelled to warn you, if you do happen to requisition it and if it does happen, you may be in danger of losing your ice-queen status.’
Jennifer edged back a little, uncomfortable at being so near to him when it only made it more difficult for her to control the tantilising attraction that flowed through her. Pretending to consider his words, she paused thoughtfully before saying, ‘Hmm. That would be worth considering. What if I put in a coffee-machine but increase everyone’s workload? Do you think that might balance it out? I can be a saviour and still remain the ice queen.’
Jasper nodded thoughtfully. ‘That might work.’ They paid for the drinks and headed back to clinic, sipping their own coffees along the way.
‘As an alternative, I could fill in all the paperwork and get you to sign in the relevant places as though you were the instigator.’
‘You’d let me take the glory for your brilliant idea?’
‘If it meant ensuring most of the department were still afraid to approach me for any other funding requirements, sure.’
‘Ah…well in that case, I think I have to tell you it may be a matter of too little, too late.’
‘How so?’
‘The registrars have already seen through your façade. They like you.’
‘Oh, no.’ Her expression was serious as she shook her head. ‘That wasn’t part of the plan.’
Jasper chuckled, liking the way she could keep a straight face. He made a mental note never to play poker against her. ‘In fact, you’ve already won over both Allan and Louise. I think it might have been when you turned up for work the other day with flour on your nose and your hair a little out of place.’
‘I was baking with your mother and the girls. Lilly gave me one extra hug before I left to come in for the afternoon clinic and her fingers got caught in my hair. I didn’t have time to tidy myself up. That’s all.’
Jasper chuckled again. ‘I was only teasing, Jen. Besides, it’s good that people are seeing the real you.’
‘It is?’
‘Definitely.’ He glanced over at her, his words warm. ‘I like the real Jen Thorngate a lot better than the ice queen.’
‘Hmm. I may have to rectify that situation. Remind me to leave an extra load of case notes on your desk before I leave.’
‘It won’t work. Everyone is saying that you’re just what this department needs, that you’re gifted when it comes to administration and that you’re an excellent surgeon. I have to say, I agree with them. I’m sure if Maryanne wasn’t so sick with this lurgy that she’d join the Jennifer Thorngate fan club.’
‘Are you a card-carrying member?’
Jasper stopped just outside the clinic doors and gave her an intense look. His eyes had darkened to a smoky grey colour and Jennifer couldn’t ignore the way her body sizzled with tingles. She parted her lips to let out her pent-up breath, her own eyes widening a little at his nearness.
‘Jen. I’m the president.’ His words were soft but filled with meaning. His eyes dipped to her lips for a split second, causing another wave of tingles to flood her body before he walked through the clinic waiting room. She stood in the corridor, watching him through the glass until he disappeared from view down another side hallway.
He was the president of her fan club? What did that mean? She knew he was highly attracted to her, just as she was to him. They’d covered all of that a few weeks ago and until this moment he’d never even alluded to it since. What they hadn’t covered was the fact that he’d kissed her. It had been a kiss on the cheek and a fleeting one at that but it had been enough to send her mind into a complete meltdown and leave her body whirling with need.
That kiss had been meant as a friendly gesture, a way of thanking her for opening up to him, but at the same time it had been Jasper’s lips, brushing against her skin. His breath fanning softly over her and down her neck. It had been enough to take her dreams of him to another level, the one where he was kissing her, more thoroughly and far more often.
Jennifer closed her eyes, forcing her senses to return before following Jasper back into clinic, trying desperately to push his words and deep, penetrating looks aside, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. Still, she managed to achieve it to some degree and concentrated on her work rather than on the gorgeous, sexy man who was only three consulting rooms down from her own. She delivered coffee to a very grateful Allan before finishing off her own and calling her next patient through.
‘Christopher.’ She welcomed her nineteen-year-old patient back into the consulting room, accepting the X-ray packet from him. ‘Now, let’s see what’s been happening with your hand.’ She took the X-ray out and flicked on her viewing box. ‘Ah…still not fully healed.’ She pointed to where he had fractured his third and fourth metacarpals while he’d been skateboarding down a dimly lit road at three o’clock in the morning. ‘When you come off your skateboard, you do a good job.’
‘I really do.’ Christopher was very interested in what she had to show him.
‘I think you need to have the cast on for at least another fortnight. We’ll do another check X-ray then to see if the healing has improved.’
‘OK. So…I just make another appointment at the desk?’
‘Yes. Get them to mark down that you’re to
see me, specifically, for follow-up.’
‘’K.’ Christopher returned to his chair and Jennifer went around the desk to write up the notes.
‘Any other pain?’
‘Nope.’
‘Good.’ She smiled at the young man she’d seen on her first day there. She stopped writing and fiddled with her pen. ‘Can I just ask you, what were you doing skateboarding at three o’clock in the morning?’
‘The question is, Doc, why weren’t you skateboarding at three o’clock in the morning?’
Jennifer laughed and when the knock on her door came she immediately called for whoever it was to come in. A second later Jasper’s broad shoulders filled the doorway. He looked from her, to her patient and then back again.
‘Am I interrupting?’
‘No. It’s fine. Christopher was just about to tell me the real reason he was skateboarding at three o’clock in the morning.’
Jasper raised his eyes at that and looked with interest at the young man—the young man who’d made Jennifer laugh.
‘It’s the safest time,’ Christopher said with a nonchalant shrug. ‘You can see any cars that are coming sooner because you can see the headlights. The only reason I came off was I was going faster than I thought so when I jumped off the board my feet couldn’t keep up.’ He shrugged again and grinned from ear to ear, a love of life gleaming brightly in his eyes.
‘Perhaps you shouldn’t go so fast next time,’ Jasper offered.
‘It was the cape.’
‘Cape?’ both doctors asked in unison.
‘Yeah. If you skateboard with a cape on, you go faster. You know, increase the wind velocity and all that. Superheroes rely on their capes to help them fly, to speed themselves up or slow themselves down. A cape is a must-have when skateboarding in the early morning hours.’ His words were spoken with confidence and Jennifer admired him.
She glanced up at Jasper. ‘It’s a different world out there to when I was a teenager.’ She shook her head, then looked again at Christopher, a smile on her face. ‘Well…thank you for telling us.’ She handed him a form. ‘See you in two weeks and good luck with your uni exam next week. Thank goodness you didn’t hurt the hand you write with.’
