I change my dwelling places
and change my haunts and
wander from country to country,
the little silence whose
name is Abishag
My mother’s holy hands
are mending my shirt.
Come to me or leave me waiting
I don’t care no more
I’ve waited like a month
and I waited like a stone
I’ve waited on a feather
and I’ve waited on a storm
I’ve waited like a mountain
and I’ve waited like a door
I’ve waited on the bridges
that the rivers washed away
I waited like a bridegroom
with another man’s bouquet
I waited for your beauty
to be given to the rain
I stood outside {beyond} my tears {sorrow}
like a statue in the rain
I folded {up} my heart
and I cut it with your love
a string of paper dolls
I’m standing here
in the blinding light
I don’t know what to do
my nakedness
I’m standing here
in the blinding light
I’ve come to the end of the line
& my nakedness cries out for you
cries out like a drunk
for his bottle of wine
I’m standing here
in the blinding light
& I don’t know what to do
the blinding light
of what I lost
when I walked away from you
the blinding light
when you’re stalled at night
O baby forgive me
the things that I did
& forgive me the things
that I said
cries out like
a man that is buried alive
like a voice that cries
out from the dead
Forgive me what I did to you
Forgive me what I said
My heart & my soul
& my nakedness
cries out to be comforted
cries out like a man
who’s been buried alive
cries out like a voice
from the dead
so let’s not tear the past apart
we shared the darkness
from the start
I’m an evil son of a bitch
I was born in the heart of the bible
& I know the holy pitch
I could sell an angel paper wings
I’m an evil son of a bitch
Not for all the jasmine
in Moscow
not for all the singing
in New York
not for all the broken hearts
in Bloomingdale’s
not for all the telephones
in Long Island
not for all the blue
in Istanbul
not for all the shoes
in Bloomingdale’s
not for all the rags
in Lebanon
not for all the wax
in Notre-Dame
not for all the books
in Jerusalem
not for all the glass ice
in a summer
***
you’re standing tall
you’re hanging tough
but I know you’re feeling bad
It’s easy to see
that a good woman’s love
is something that you never had
so I’m gonna take pity on the boy tonight
I’m gonna do you a favour gonna do it right
I’m gonna see that you’re fed
I’m gonna put you to bed
& then I’m gonna drive you mad
***
I don’t know who you’re looking at
It must be someone else
I’m only here a minute
then I go somewhere else
I’m talking to myself
I’m living {visiting} at the clinic
just talking to myself
I’m only here a minute
then I go somewhere else
do not cry “heal me lord”
the lord is broken
heal the lord
so come my children
and confess
when we are more
the lord is less
I just can’t pretend no more
that I’m your loving man
I just can’t pretend no more
that I really give a damn
It’s just too hard to make you smile
and too dangerous to bring you down
You got love
you got sex
you got nothing to lose
you got death
in your mind
like a root
you got stuff
it’s a mess
you got no one to choose
you got breasts
on your chest
you’re a brute
I never went back
I never came home
I waited all night
for you to come home
or someone like you
I couldn’t keep touch
I don’t know about tomorrow
but I know what’s coming next
I was broken when I met you
I was broken when I left
I couldn’t do it living
but I love you with
my dying breath
I came here for the healing
How about you?
The god of love is broken
the god of hatred too
Every time I touched you
My oh My oh My
That night you let me touch you
I thought that I would die
i wasn’t really sure
i was allowed in there
but i thought the rules
were somewhat ambiguous
and if discovered
i could justify my presence
there was a narrow camp bed
close to the door
with fresh sheets
and a light blanket
I snuggled into
the bed and began to listen
intently to the confession
the young woman was
making to her therapist
I don’t remember what she was
saying but she stopped
abruptly and said:
“Leonard Cohen is listening
to us”
It was night & it was raining
and the pizza never came
I’m troubled by war
I’m troubled by peace
Can’t they think of anything else
***
I am a souvenir of creation
The ringed wife is a souvenir
of first dip in the private morning
pool when you sank like a
fish hook through the layered
mirrors of self-love
O God change your name
in my heart
but the chairs
once with straw now
with yellow red plastic
woven
the new Blue Tops of
outdoor tin tables
Fresh Paint!
Not today
I knelt in that certainty
***
and you put your baby
number nothing
on the waiting list
and long nights alone
with the angels of the Lord
I put the books of love aside
the young dancers
who have never
thought about death
and the older ones who have
to lie once more
in the proud arms of one
who has never thought
about
death
I look out at the hillside
all silver and silent
its beauty is signed in the air
Then night comes a stealing
the shapes of our feeling
the whole world is melting in fire
I’m there, I’m finally there
***
like David bent down
in the darkness of love
I call out your name
and I ask to be done
with this burden of heart
with this pride of despair
with this shame
that the heart cannot {bear}
to the realms of despair
like David bent down
on his bed of all despair
I come to you now
I call out your name
I ask to be done
with this darkness of love
with this burden of heart
with this shame
that the heart cannot bear
like David bent down
in the darkness of his love
I call to you now
{from} the place of despair
I call on your name
& I ask to be done
with the burden of heart
like David bent down
to the darkness of his love
with his kingdom of dust
with his crown of despair
with no hope from the night
with no word for his prayer
like David bent down
in the realms of despair
with no hope from the night
with no word for his prayer
he comes to you now
he calls on your name
he asks to be done
with the darkness of love
with his burden of heart
with his shame
from both sides of the battleground
from liberty from love
like David bent down
to the darkness of his love
with no river below
and no light from above
and he cries out your name
from the place of despair
for the burden of heart
{from his high}
{heavy chain}
that he cannot repair
for the burden of shame {heart}
which is there, which is there
{for the darkness of love}
for the shame
which his {the} heart
cannot bear
like David bent down
in the darkness of love
with no kingdom or crown
& no light from above
& he cries out your name
from the place of despair
for the burden of shame
which he cannot repair
& he cries out your name
with no heart for the prayer
for the burden of shame
in the place of despair
for the burden of heart
which is there, which is there
for the shame
that the heart cannot bear
I am the light of
my generation
and the radio
and the refrigerator
with no kingdom below
& no crown from above
and he cries out your name
from the place of despair
for the darkness of heart
which he cannot repair
beyond all repair
for the burden of shame
which is there, which is there
for the shame which the heart
cannot bear
look see how he wakes
hear how he speaks
& he tries to raise his hands to the lord
the world begins to wait for thee
I have it deep inside of me
like uncreated angels see
the absence of eternity
the world begins to wait for thee
I have it deep inside of me
a longing that could only be
the absence of eternity
like David bent down
in the darkness of shame
I come to you now
I cry out your name
with no hope for the day
with no heart for the prayer
Renew the name that
sorrow has forgotten
Speak again
and raise creation up
Renew the name
& stand your singer up
and a painful silence mock
all the parliament of thought
I don’t want to be here
anymore
and the silence gathered
round to mock
all the parliament of thought
Find me here
I can’t cry out
I have no word
And in this place
was never heard
In the absence of
human actions fail & rot
around the parliament of thought
Pretending to stand
like a man in the place
where there is no light
and there is no face
If I speak to you, if I try,
one word, one breath at a time;
if I listen between the words,
if I go slowly,
will you come to this place
you have cleaved for my
doubting
If I try to speak
I beg you to come to this place
I beg you
with all the ugliness at my disposal
I offer this headache
and my accomplice dream women
I beg you with the headache
in my right eye
I beg you with the fly
that has chosen my lips
to fertilize
I beg you with the interesting news
of manure & unemployment
what are you keeping there,
what have you hidden away
that is so precious to the
darkness; so heavily guarded,
so furtively {defiantly} held,
now furtively, now defiantly
held; your power magic,
your heavy-machine, to
your axioms of strategy
iron mask
your victory
your victory, your
supremacy, preening
itself in a basin of vomit,
waiting, waiting until
you say, now
your victory creature,
chained to the coming
opportunity, preening
itself in a basin of
vomit, waiting to spring,
waiting until they turn
their backs, and you say,
now!
Chained to your secret place
feeding on the spirit carrion,
they wait to be unleashed
I heard them singing
just the other day
pouring out their hearts
in wild dismay
their voices sweet with
what they could not say
the song of Ages on their
lips of clay
The beasts go roaming free
Come my love, my holy one
enter on the carpet of my longing
Baby, don’t be sad
the dust is all my doing
The wind and the umbrellas
come from stores
the flags from the nation
but your absence comes
from a terrible sleep
under a huge museum
Enter the moth holes
of my longing
***
I had a plan
I was moving away
Far from the failure
and stress every day
***
> May 2, 2011
1995[?]
the Great Convulsion
coming
we’re nothing like the ant hill
we’re not a hive of bees
Behold! the good ship
“Free Will”
as she’s tossed on mighty seas
mighty seas
you can always depend
on me
I’m going to come down
on the side of mercy
I’m going to come down
on the side of love
The Great Convulsion
coming
I’m going to run like hell
from the general terror
and hide like a bell
in the panic
I’m going to run like hell
from the usual
Titanic
& hide like a bell
in the general panic
***
Where are your friends
my darling
wait they’ll be coming thru
my friends are back there
dancing
That’s what I like to see them do
I thought I heard them
weeping
just before the rain
you might have heard them
weeping
but they’re dancing once again
What are the ladies wearing
back there on the floor
the old forbidden clothing
that the Emperor once wore
Can’t we go back my darling
I’ve been away too long
Why did you leave us dancing
in the middle of the song
I thought the dance was over
when all the rain came down
then you must die my darling
on the other side of town
I like the other side of town
It has a perfect view
***
In this writing
we do not look out the window
we do not wait
for the Swedish girl
to walk down the aisle
and we do not think about
her faded gold face
which is her nakedness
we do not speculate
on the superior style
and the origin
of his old sun clothes
***
I was talking to Ron
when the women were gone
and the men were out killing for love
we were touring the north
with the songs of my youth
for the last time. Enough is enough
Dear Hatred
Dear Heart-Broken Olivia
in the Xenias Melathron
eating an apple
forever on my Grecian urn
Dear Princess Zina
I shaved my head for you
Now you send me printed letters
asking me to buy you a monastery
Dear Accident Helga
of my sunstroke at noon
later the dog-like companion
of fork-bearded Sascha
cool candlelight of ignitable icicles
in your cheeks and eyes
nothing at all between us
except my kneeling for you now
I gave all my money
to charity
I gave all my clothes
to the poor
I followed after one
who was saving me
The Flame Page 11
