I take the bag of goodies and smile at him, he returns it weakly. He’s not himself this morning and I wonder what’s going on? I walk into the bedroom and clean myself up, relieved that is over. He dealt with it really well considering. When I’m cleaned up, I come out and he’s on the phone. He talks quickly and harshly.
“Yeah, bring him over.”
He hangs up the phone and turns to me, his face looks a little…hurt.
“Is everything ok?”
He nods, and begins rummaging through the kitchen to find food for breakfast, or lunch, whichever we’re at. He’s slamming things and cursing. Something’s definitely NOT ok.
“Jagger?”
He doesn’t answer; he just slams a tin down on the bench and swears once more.
“JAGGER!”
He spins around to glare at me. “What?”
“What’s the problem?”
“They’ve got your Father, he’s coming here.”
My heart comes to an abrupt halt and I stare at him. My Father, I’ve thought a lot about him but now he’s captured and it’s all becoming real. Did he come out for me, or did they find him? Does he care that I’m missing? Does he care about me?
“I…I…”
“He’s fine. We won’t hurt him if he gives us what we want. Angel found his location and they got hold of him last night. They’ll be here in half an hour.”
My heart sinks. He didn’t come out on his own? I look down and Jagger grips my chin, forcing me to look at him.
“Don’t look like that, he doesn’t deserve you.”
“He didn’t come out for me, I knew he wouldn’t but…I thought…”
“He made calls, he was concerned. It was enough to track him.”
I nod, turning away.
“I’m need to be alone…”
“I’m sorry Willow…”
“I’m tired, I’ll see you later.”
“Don’t you want to see him?”
I pause, thinking about that. “I don’t know.”
I walk into my room without another word. My emotions are shot and I don’t know how I feel about the idea of seeing my Father again. I’m so angry at him, so hurt and confused. I thought he was dead, there were times I knew I’d never see him again and I felt the pain for that. All of it. I guess this means now I can go…
I don’t even know how I feel about home anymore. I dread the idea that I might look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I ache at the thought of never seeing Jagger again. It’s all confusing and it’s probably about time I found my freedom. If I don’t go, I’ll never free myself from this depression.
I’m in the middle of pondering how the next two hours of my life will go, when I hear the voices outside. He’s here, my dad, the man I thought was dead, is here. I take a deep breath and step out the door and there he is, cuffed and sitting on the couch surrounded by the five men.
His eyes fall on me and widen. I feel a sob rise in my throat and I make a strangled sound. My Father looks exactly the same, with his dark brown hair and light blue eyes. We share similar features; the same full lips and skin tone. His eyes meet mine and I’m not sure if I see the right emotion pass through them. He looks…dead – emotionless even.
“Dad?”
The men all turn to stare at me, and my eyes fall on Jagger’s for just a moment. He looks sorry; I guess that’s something right?
“Willow, you’re ok.” My father says simply.
That’s it? You’re ok? After all these years, that’s all I get.
“That’s it?” I whisper. “You have nothing else to say for yourself?”
“I’m sorry you thought I was dead, I couldn’t tell you.”
“And what about dealing with gangs and bad people? You didn’t think that might affect me?”
“Willow, can we do this later?”
My eyes widen and hot tears tumble down my cheeks.
“You know what; I hope you get everything you deserve. You pig.”
“Willow…”
I spin around and rush out. When I get into my room, I begin throwing my clothes into my bag. Jagger rushes in behind me and his eyes fall on my bags.
“What’re you doing?”
“You have him; a promise is a promise Jagger.”
He stares at me, his blue eyes intense. “I guess it is.”
“Well then, I’m free to go…right?”
He looks away, his face hardening, “Right.”
“And the other gang; am I safe?”
“I have what they want, they have no reason to go anywhere near you now. They will come after me. I don’t think you’re in danger. Angel said they know we have your Father.”
“And that’s it?”
He shrugs his face stony hard. “That’s it; it’s all over for you.”
“And…us?”
“I’m not going to keep you here when you have wanted nothing but to leave for the past month. It’s clear what you want and I made you a promise. I intend to stick by it. If that isn’t what you want…”
“It is what I want,” I say, I have to do this. I have to leave. “I’ll go.”
“If you have somethin’ to say Willow, say it now because I don’t play fuckin’ mind games. You just said you wanted to leave, so fuckin’ leave!”
Oh now he’s mad? How can he be mad?
“What do you want Jagger?” I snap, hurt by his outburst.
“Nothin’, I want fuckin’ nothin’!”
“If that’s how you feel, fine, this will be easy.”
“Willow…”
“I want to go now, Jagger.”
“Fine, I won’t argue with you.”
He turns and storms out, and I stand staring at him go. I know I should speak up, but what can I possibly say? I want to stay? No, I don’t want to stay but I don’t want to walk away from him either. For my own sanity, I have to leave and take the time to clear my head. I pick up my few things, and then I walk out and down the stairs, I don’t see my Father again, they’ve taken him into the basement and I push the images from my mind. I get into the front seat of Jagger’s car and a moment later he slides in beside me.
“Can we do this later? I want to talk and I’ve got shit to do…”
“There’s nothing to say, if you can’t take me home, let me call someone.”
“Willow…”
“Please, you’re right, I do want to go home so just take me home. Now.”
He hisses a curse and starts the car, and begins driving. We drive for a solid two hours before I finally see the city. Where the hell did he have me? My stomach twists at the idea of going home. I’ve wanted it for so long, so why does it hurt so much? When we pull up at my apartment complex, it doesn’t surprise me that he knows where I live. He hands me my handbag and I gasp.
“You had this the whole time?”
“Of course I fuckin’ did.”
He pulls out my phone and thrusts it at me. “My number is in there, if anyone bothers you or anything happens, call me. You’re not completely safe until I get rid of Manchez.”
“Oh.”
“If you hear anything, anything at all, call me. Don’t hide things from me Willow, I’ll find them out eventually.”
“Are you done?” I snap.
I pull the phone from his hand, and his fingers graze mine. I look up and meet his pained gaze. I wait - part of me hoping he will say something and break this awful silence, but he simply turns and stares out the front.
“Good luck.” He mutters.
That’s it? I stole you for over a month, and my acquaintances made your life a living hell, but good luck?
“That’s it?” I whisper.
“What more do you fuckin’ want from me? You refused to talk with me. I’m holding up my end of the deal, now get outta my car.”
I nod, swallowing and step out of the car. He plants his foot down as soon as I’ve shut the door, and angry tears course down my face. It’s over. It’s all over. What will I do now?
How can I possibly ever be normal again? How can I possibly ever forget him?
CHAPTER 11
I’ll never forget Ava’s face when she opens the door to see me standing pitifully on the door step. She screams, and then crumbles with me in her arms to the floor where we sob and cling to each other for over an hour. I know how worried she must have been, I know she probably blames herself. When we get inside, she shuts the door and helps me sit on the couch.
“Oh God, beautiful Willow, what happened to you?”
She strokes my face and sobs incoherently, until I soothe her by assuring her I’m ok. How strange, I’m soothing her.
“What happened?”
Lying isn’t in my nature, so I tell her everything; from start to finish. By the time I’m done, she’s sobbing again and I’m holding onto her. I’ve dealt with this in my own head, but I know what it must seem like in hers.
“Oh sweetie, you need to contact the police.”
“No,” I say firmly. “If you call them I will lie. Don’t ring them Ava, promise me.”
“He kidnapped you! You were abused for over a month.”
“He didn’t abuse me! It wasn’t like that!”
“Oh God,” She whispers. “You care about him, don’t you?”
I look away, feeling my bottom lip tremble.
“Oh Willow, it’s not real honey, you know that right? It’s fake emotions because he was your light in a dark time. Honey, it’s not real.”
“I know what’s real and what’s not,” I bark. “Jagger is real and what we had was real. He didn’t take me to hurt me, he wasn’t cruel.”
“No, he just took you to a place and let everyone else hurt you.”
“You don’t understand, it could have been so much worse for me.”
“How?” she snaps.
“If the other gang had taken me…my life would have been a lot worse.”
“What about now, you could be in danger?”
I cover my face and sigh. “Ava, the gang have no reason to come anywhere near me now. They want what Jagger has; they will go after him to get it, not me.”
“Willow…”
“If anyone is to blame here, it’s my Father.” I spew out, waving my hands.
“Ok, alright, I think you need to get some help though. You can’t go through what you have, and not seek some help to get through.”
“I’m fine.”
She narrows her eyes. “No, you’re not.”
“I will be; I just need time.”
“You’re not going to stay in contact with him, are you?”
I think about Jagger’s number in my phone, and decide not to tell her about it.
“I wouldn’t know how to find him if I tried.”
I just broke my no lying rule.
“We should call Jenny; she’s been beside herself with worry.”
“I will ring her in the morning, please, I just need tonight.”
She hugs me again and strokes my hair, “Of course, how about a cup of tea?”
I nod weakly and stand. “I’m going to shower.”
“Take your time, I’ll be right here.”
I turn just as I reach the hall and call out her name. She turns and stares at me.
“It wasn’t your fault Ava, you know that right?”
Her lip trembles and I rush over, taking her into my arms. “It wasn’t your fault. I took the drink from him, you couldn’t have stopped that.”
“I shouldn’t have let you take drinks, I should have watched you, I shouldn’t have taken you in the first place…”
“Ava, don’t…I made my own choices that night.”
“Maybe I need to get help too,” She laughs weakly and I snort a laugh.
“Maybe.”
When I leave her to her tea making, I head to my room. It’s been so long, it all feels foreign to me and I feel out of place. I stare around the room, and look at the clothes on the floor. They are still there from the night we went out and I threw all my clothes on the floor to try and find the perfect outfit. If I had have stayed home that night…no…I can’t think like that.
My phone makes a beeping sound in my bag, and I pull it out. I notice right away everything has been cleared. Jagger has deleted all missed calls, messages and voice mails from worried friends and family. That or he has changed the sim card. I flick through the contacts. Only his name appears. He changed the sim card. Smart on his behalf I guess. I find the message that has just come up and my heart quickens when I see Jagger’s name.
J: For what it’s worth, I never wanted anything bad to happen 2 u. I hope u find your happiness again, and I hope u never have 2 think about me again. I know u don’t see it now, but you’re better off.
I contemplate my response for long moments, the finally I reply. Knowing it’s probably the last time I’ll ever talk to Jagger again.
W: It doesn’t matter what’s right for me. Maybe I am better off. Maybe I’m not. I’ll never know and neither will you.
J: U said u wanted to leave…u never said u wanted anything more.
W: No, I didn’t.
J: What does that mean Willow?
W: Goodbye Jagger, I hope u find what you’re looking for.
J: Don’t…fuck…Willow, answer me.
I switch my phone off with the intentions of never turning it on again.
~*~*~*~
The next week of my life is painful. I spend hours at the police department, lying through my teeth to protect a man who doesn’t even want me. I tell them I was blindfolded, and didn’t see or hear anything. I was dumped at my doorstep after a month, I don’t know why. I told Ava to agree with me, even though she wants Jagger to go down. I told her how dangerous it was for her to tell the truth.
My Sister Jenny cried for the days by my side, and I did my best to comfort her. I kept details to a minimum; I don’t want her to know about my Father. She doesn’t need that pain. So, basically, the week has been hell and all I can think about it him. Jagger. I miss him so much; words can’t describe the pain I feel. I know it’s off, so I make an appointment with a shrink.
I’m sitting in her office on day eight, staring at the wall with a grim expression. Doctor Peterson is a tall, pretty woman with flaming red hair and blue eyes. She smiles a lot and nods her head constantly, as though she’s agreeing with everything I’m saying; which I know she’s not. She must think I’m crazy. I have no doubt about it.
“So, what happened after you two had sex?”
I glare at her. “He made love to me, you don’t understand.”
She nods again, fuck her dammed head nodding. “I think you believe you made love, but making love is for people in love. From what you tell me, this man didn’t love you.”
“He took care of me, he freaked out when I was hurt, and he said kind things to me. He wasn’t a monster, he cared enough.”
“Caring and loving are two different things, Willow.”
“I know that,” I snap.
“Why don’t we look at the fact that he hasn’t contacted you at all this past week?”
“I told him not to.”
“And you don’t think a man in love would try anyway?”
“I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t have it. I don’t have Stockholm syndrome.”
“I didn’t say that, while it’s common in kidnapping victims, I believe your case is a little different. Your kidnapper didn’t take you to hurt you, in a sense; he took you to protect you.”
“How do you suppose that?” I snort.
“From what you tell me, the other option would have been much worse.”
I shudder.
“Why don’t you tell me more about your feelings for this man? Help me understand.”
“I’m not crazy.”
“I never said you were.”
“My feelings aren’t fake,”
“While I believe this man didn’t intend on hurting you, I’m not quite sure I’d go as far as saying he cares about you so tell m
e how you came about feeling this way for him.”
“He cared.”
“Cared?”
“Seriously, can we just drop it? I survived, I made it through and I’m free. End of story.”
“Why did you just change the subject Willow?”
I huff, “Because I don’t know how to answer you without sounding insane!”
“Then tell me, what is it that makes you want to be with him so badly?”
“I didn’t say I want to be with him.”
She leans back in her chair and writes down some more notes. “Ok, so you don’t miss him?”
“Of course I do!”
“Can you tell me why?”
“I don’t know why, I hate that I miss someone who did that to me. It makes no sense in my mind, I feel like I’m losing the plot. I care about him and I don’t know why, I don’t know anything. When we made love, he was different. He was sweet and caring, he was…beautiful.”
She nods and then closes her note book. “I think that’s enough for today. I want you to go home and think about why you defend him, and why you resent him and bring me some notes for our next session.”
I don’t thank her, or say anything else. I just stand and walk out. This is doing my head in and I can’t deal with it.
~*~*~*~
“Willow, it’s ok, I don’t expect you to come.” Jenny says, tipping some sugar into her coffee.
It’s day eighteen of my release, and I don’t feel any better. I miss Jagger, God, I miss him. My shrink tries to make sense of it, of me, but she’s getting nowhere. I’m all over the place. I hate him. I love him. I resent him. I can’t get anything right in my head. I haven’t turned my phone on and I refuse to. If he wanted to find me, he would.
“I don’t mind Jenny, I have to get back to life sooner rather than later,” I say, sipping my coffee. It’s Jenny’s birthday tonight and she’s having a party at a local club. She’s trying to tell me I don’t have to go.
“Willow, I don’t think you’re ready.” Ava says, agreeing with Jenny.
“I’m not a fucking mental case!” I cry, slamming my hand down on the table. Both the girls stare at me with wide eyes, well, that didn’t help my case. “I just want to be normal, I just want my life back and you two are smothering me.”
“Willow…we’re not trying to.”
Dark Passion (The Dark Brother Series Book One) Page 8
