by Robert Bevan
“I'm sorry,” said Randy. “Until you've decided what you want to do, and then gone and done it, I can't allow you to drink no more alcohol. It ain't fair to them babies.”
“When the fuck did you become my goddamn keeper?”
“When you declared an intent to harm innocent people.”
“They ain't even fuckin' people!”
“We don't know how far along they are in their development,” said Randy. “And the point at which a fertilized egg counts as a person is a matter of –”
“That ain't what I'm talking about!” said Denise. “They ain't people. They're fuckin' scorpion monsters! It ain't your place to tell me I got to carry these freaks to term.”
“And I ain't sayin' you do. All I'm sayin' is that if you choose to have your pregnancy terminated, you do it proper like. Get yourself checked out by a cleric and... I don't know. See how they do that sort of thing here. You had a chance to bring it up back at the temple.”
“I was nervous,” said Denise. “It was called the Temple of Life. How do you bring up killin' babies in a place like that? I don't know how they feel about that sort of thing here. They might have crucified me or burnt me like a steak.”
“At the stake,” said Katherine. Part of her was enjoying listening to Randy and Denise's redneck banter. She'd never considered herself to be a scholarly person, but being immersed in a conversation between these two made her feel like that guy in the wheelchair with the robot voice. “Let me make this simple. I need all the help I can get, and that amounts to you two hillbilly retards.” She looked up at Denise. “You tried to rape my brother, so you owe him this.”
“Wah wah wah, you raped my brother. Don't that never get fuckin' old? I ain't raped shit. That little psycho cut my nuts off. Incidentally, that led to the game turning me into a tubby little bitch, which then led to me being raped and impregnated by a scorpion monster. So I think my rape debt has been paid with interest, thank you very much.”
“Randy,” said Katherine. “Is that true?”
“It weren't rape, exactly,” said Randy. “As far as I could make out, it was consexual.”
“Consensual?”
“That's right. In fact, she seemed really eager.”
“I didn't consent to having fertilized eggs pumped into me! I thought she was a man. That was willful deception, which counts as rape.”
“I don't think she meant to deceive you,” said Randy. “She looked kinda hurt when you said you thought she was a man. And her husband looked pissed.”
The conversation, while morbidly fascinating, was more than Katherine wanted to process right now. She offered another argument in an attempt to end it.
“If you thought she was a man, and you willfully engaged in unprotected sex, then pregnancy was always a risk. Ipso ergo facto, it all amounts to the same thing.” Katherine wasn't sure her Latin was correct, but she was nearly positive that Randy and Denise wouldn't know better.
“Uh uh,” said Denise. “If I fuck a dog, she don't pop out no half-dog babies.” After a moment of uncomfortable lack of response, she continued. “That was just an example. All I meant is that we ain't compatible species. I had no way of suspecting that I would leave that encounter with child.”
“That's not true,” said Katherine. “Compatibility is a lot more lax in this world. Look at me, for instance. I'm half human and half elf. Or take the scorpion people for an even more extreme example. At some point in the past, some sick freak must have squirted his seed on a scorpion, right?”
Denise laughed. “Damn girl. Your logic is stretched tighter than my cooter around a lady scorpion cock.”
Katherine had been gentle so far, but she wasn't about to let this white trash would-be child rapist insult her intelligence.
“Here's a more logical way to think about it. If I hear you bitch about this mission again, or if you make any attempt to fuck it up or escape, I'll extract those eggs from you through your face, and I'll feed what's left of you to this giant fucking lizard. And when he shits you out, I'll feed the shit to some pigs. And when they shit, I'll –”
Basil's stomach rumbled like a cranking car engine that won't turn over, as if he could understand what she was saying. She was almost certain that wasn't the case, but it was excellent timing.
She stroked the side of the beast's face. “Poor baby's getting hungry.” She looked up at Denise. “Any suggestions?”
Denise's expression, as well as her sudden silence, suggested that she understood Katherine wasn't fucking around. That was good. Even Randy remained silent. He'd defend Denise if Katherine tried to murder her, but the fact that he didn't say as much right now meant he'd prefer Denise think he was on the fence about it, and that she'd do well to fall in line and quit her bitching. All that being the case, Basil still needed to eat. He was so big, it would be impossible to carry enough food to sustain him.
Randy tested the storm drain bars until he found one that was loose. It slid straight up, as did the two to the right of it. He looked back at Katherine and Denise, then frowned at Basil.
“Them's the only ones that's loose. Ain't no way Basil can squeeze through that gap.”
Katherine smiled. “I had a feeling this was going to be an issue. Captain Longfellow's going to shit himself when he sees Basil.” She looked up at Denise. “You'd better hop down, Beardy.”
Denise scowled at Katherine, but did as she was told. When Denise was on the ground, Katherine put her hand up high on the beast's side.
“Shrink.”
Basil let out a frightened groan, which grew higher and higher in pitch as he shrank down to half his original size, making him about fifty percent larger than Butterbean. Still pretty big, but just slim enough to squeeze between the immobile bars. Once they were all inside, Randy gently lowered the loose bars back to their original positions.
The smell inside the city's drainage system reminded Katherine of the dumpster behind the Chicken Hut, though it was much fainter. This was obviously built to drain rainwater from the higher elevations of Cardinia, where the palace and several other prominent buildings were located, without flooding the rest of the city. It wasn't meant for dumping refuse, but that didn't stop people from doing just that, which would account for the filthy state of the harbor and for the present but not overpowering smell of garbage in here.
And of course, where there was garbage, there were rats. With no lights inside the tunnel, and only moonlight outside, it was too dark to see further than ten feet in. But Katherine could hear their squeaks echoing off the damp brick walls, and they didn't seem very far off.
“I don't like the sound of that,” said Denise. “Can you turn Basil back to normal size so I can ride up on his back again?”
“Not yet.” Katherine adjusted Butterbean's collar so that the iron ring which attached to his leash was under his chin. Touching the ring, she said, “Light.” The tunnel lit up, and the rat squeaks rose in pitch and frequency. But the rats themselves were still beyond where she could see.
“You think the light will keep them away?” asked Randy.
“I hope not. I think I just thought of a way to kill two birds with one stone.”
“I ain't worried 'bout no fuckin' birds,” said Denise. “Can you think of a way to kill a bunch of goddamn rats?”
Katherine looked down at her. “Aren't you supposed to be a badass barbarian? Are you seriously afraid of a few rats?”
“Rats carry diseases. I'm afraid for my children.”
“That's lovely. Maybe some day you can sit them on your knee and tell them about how, between thoughts of aborting them, you used them to mask your own cowardice.”
“Katherine,” said Randy in a motherly tone. “What was that you was saying about killing two birds with one stone?” In other words, That's enough bickering, you two.
“While Basil is small like this, he should be able to get by on less food than normal, right? A couple of rats might be enough to sustain him.”
Rand
y grinned. “Why Katherine, that's excellent thinking! I really appreciate you keeping Basil in your thoughts like that.”
Katherine ruffled the fur on the back of Butterbean's neck. “Go get 'em!”
Butterbean growled, barked, then darted forward. The light zoomed down the tunnel like a subway car they'd just missed. It went farther and farther down the tunnel.
“Them rats is farther away than I reckoned they was,” said Randy. “These tunnels must really carry sound well or –”
Butterbean yelped, and it sounded about as far away as it looked.
“Butterbean!” cried Katherine.
The light did an about face and started heading back to them. A cacophony of normal-sounding rats grew louder and less and less normal-sounding.
“Oh shit,” said Katherine.
“What?” Denise took a step back. “What is it?”
Katherine reached into her Bag of Holding. “Scythe.” She pulled out the long-handled weapon and felt a little disturbed at how excited she was to be able to use it. “Dire rats. Sounds like we stirred up a whole nest of them.”
“I don't reckon basilisk food is our biggest concern anymore right now,” said Randy. “Maybe you should bring Basil back up to size so he can defend himself.”
“That's probably a good idea.” She touched Basil's back. “Dispel.”
Basil groaned as he doubled in size, completely blocking out what little light was coming in from outside. Katherine had hoped that the sound might frighten some of the dire rats away, but their angry squeaks and squeals were so loud, she could barely hear Basil at all. From what she could hear, he sounded nervous.
“Don't worry, big guy,” she said, reaching out to soothe his fear. “We'll take care of these –” She felt a hairy leg where she'd been expecting leathery reptilian skin. Without even looking, she grabbed the ankle and gave it a good hard yank downward.
“Fuck!” cried Denise as she fell off Basil's back.
“Get your axe ready to fight.”
Randy drew his sword and stepped forward. “I'll hold them off as best I can. You two will have to handle what slips by me.”
“This tunnel's wide enough for us to fight side-by-side,” said Katherine. “I need more room to use this thing anyway.” Even if this version of the scythe had been designed to be used as a weapon, it would still be more effective outside in a wheat field than it was in a cramped underground tunnel.
“Good call.” Denise stepped back, careful not to back into Basil's mouth. “I'll take the rear.”
“Let's wait until after the fight is over,” said Randy.
As innocuous as that sounded, Katherine sensed there was something off about the way he'd said it. Had Randy just made a buttsex joke? She looked over at him.
Randy was red in the face and trembling from trying not to giggle. This caused Katherine to giggle, which obliterated Randy's dam. As what sounded like a dozen or more giant rats approached to infect, murder, and/or eat them, Katherine and Randy laughed their asses off.
“Real fuckin' mature, guys,” said Denise. “You can both suck my big fat dwarf titties.”
Katherine and Randy stepped aside to let Butterbean run between them, but now that he was among friends, and they could all fight together, he turned around, bared his teeth, and growled.
Four of the huge rats entered the sphere of light simultaneously, rushing at them. Katherine picked a target and brought the point of her scythe down hard, skewering its plump middle just to the right of the spine. It squealed in pain, its disgusting mouth opening wide, showing off its needly teeth and squirming tongue.
Randy stepped up to finish it off, but two of the big rats lunged at him, biting his leg and arm and throwing him off balance. He fell backwards and managed to strike the rat on his arm with the hilt of his sword. It screamed, letting go of his arm and landing on its back between Denise and Butterbean.
Katherine kicked a rat that lunged at her, sending it into a somersault that would have been comical if five more rats hadn't just entered the fray. She jerked hard on her scythe, giving the rat she'd injured a little more to remember her by.
Randy grunted as he drove his sword into the rat that still had a toothy grip on his leg.
Another rat jumped up at Katherine, but she'd seen it coming and anticipated how it would attack her. Just as it leaped, she crouched down and thrust the shaft of her scythe underneath it, using its own inertia to catapult it up, where it bounced off the ceiling and landed behind her.
Denise gave a little yelp, which was in part what Katherine was going for. Tubby little bitch needed to pull her weight.
Having just used the business end of her scythe to launch that last rat, she couldn't bring the blade down on the rat that was moving in on her, the first one she'd stabbed. Instead, she did the next best thing, jabbing it hard in the muzzle with the back end of the shaft. She could feel the crunch of bone upon impact. This poor bastard, while not quite dead yet, was having a really shitty day. It made one last desperate and feeble attempt to bite her with a mouth that barely worked anymore, and she put it out of its misery with two more jabs to the skull.
Randy got back up to one knee, keeping the one rat at bay with his sword, still pierced in its belly. He grabbed another one which was running past him to bite Katherine, by the tail, and yanked it back toward Denise and Butterbean.
“Yaaaah!” cried Denise a second later. “My knee! Motherfucker bit me in the... Fuck this. I'm really angry!”
Rat shrieks from behind Katherine came to an abrupt splattery halt. She readied her scythe to attack one of the three rats coming at her, and stopped just short of bringing it down on Denise as she charged out between Katherine and Randy. She was hardly recognizable with all of her suddenly increased muscle mass. She looked like a giant hairy meatball.
Screaming like a banshee on fire, Denise tore into one rat with her axe, chopping its face in half diagonally while grabbing another rat by the throat with her free hand. She let go of the axe and pinned the live rat on its back, throttling its throat with both hands and slamming its head repeatedly against the floor.
“FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!” she said as the rat writhed under her even denser than usual body. Its legs and tail flailed frantically at first, then grew more listless with each slam of the head. She was well on her way to killing it when a new rat came from behind and bit her in the ass.
Denise rolled backwards onto the ass rat, pulled its tail to her mouth with both hands, and bit down hard, severing it from the body. The rat screamed, having definitively lost the ass-biting contest, and tried to run away. But Denise grabbed the tail stump and started to rotate, swinging the shrieking rat in a wide circle, spinning faster and faster.
The stunned and nearly-dead rat that she'd been head-slamming against the floor rolled onto its belly, but Randy made short work of it with a merciful stab to the neck.
Denise spun faster and faster until she started to stumble, then released the rat, which hit the wall with a loud smack. Neither of them were done with the other. As the rat righted itself, Denise stumbled after it in a zigzag pattern.
Katherine found it difficult to focus on killing the last few remaining rats because Denise's fight was so much more entertaining.
When Randy drove his sword into the last rat standing, the fight was over for him and Katherine. Denise was still tenderizing her long-dead rat foe's face with her fists, pummeling it again and again, to the point where its head was little more than a furry sack of pulverized brain and shards of skull.
“I think you got him,” said Randy.
Denise punched slower and slower, as if ceasing to punch something was akin to stopping a car merely by taking one's foot off the accelerator.
When she was done, she hung her head and panted. Her body deflated as sweat poured down her face.
“That's... fucking... exhausting,” she said.
Katherine remembered Tim freaking out about dire rats, but in her experience, they hadn'
t seemed that formidable. Of course, her experiences with them, up to now, had been while she was a badass vampire. And now, she supposed, she was just a general badass... at least considerably more than Tim had been when he first arrived here.
She sighed. The road toward getting him back was proving to be a huge pain in the ass.
Basil gobbled up the two dead rats nearest to him, and Randy was dragging a third one his way by its tail.
“Don't overfeed him,” said Katherine. “We're going to be at sea for a few days, and we don't know how long it's going to be until he'll get another meal.”
Randy frowned. “But that's why I want him to eat as much as he can now, while the gettin's good. It'd be a shame to let all these dead rats go to waste.”
“That's why we're going to keep them.” Katherine smiled at Randy and held open her Bag of Holding. “It's as good as Tupperware for keeping dead bodies fresh.”
“Sweet!” said Randy. He lowered the rat into the open bag and went to get another one.
By the time Randy had completely cleared the floor of rats, Denise had recovered from her post-Barbarian-Rage exhaustion and was breathing normally again.
The air was thick with the metallic scent of blood, still fresh in Katherine's mind as something she'd once craved, but which now turned her stomach. It didn't help that the scents of rat shit, body odor, and garbage were mixed in with it. She needed to start moving before she added the scent of –
“BLAAARRGGGHHHHH!” Denise beat her to the punch, spilling her guts into a puddle of filthy water, rat blood, and God only knew what else.
“You alright, Denise?” asked Randy.
When the last of her puke had splattered against the floor, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “Just my mornin' sickness acting up.”
Randy looked around Basil, back toward the entrance of the tunnel. “But it's the middle of the night.”
“Damnit, Randy. They call it mornin' sickness, but it comes when it comes. Or fuck, who knows? Maybe I got some kinda disease when I got bit in the ass by a big-ass fuckin' sewer rat. I just hope my babies ain't affected. Their blood will be on your hands.” She waved her pointed finger back and forth between Randy and Katherine so that they might both be overwhelmed with guilt. Katherine gave her the finger.
