by Robert Bevan
Come on, Randy. Don't give up now. You're almost there.
Katherine stopped climbing when she broke the surface. She reached down and grabbed Randy by his right armpit to pull him up level with her.
Randy sucked in as much salty sea air as his lungs would hold.
“Do you really not know how to swim?” said Katherine.
“I was always a good swimmer.”
“You call that swimming? You looked like you were trying to fight off a swarm of angry bees.”
“I don't know what happened. I just choked, I guess.”
“It's probably a game thing,” said Katherine. “Doesn't matter now. Listen, I'm not going to be able to support your weight out of the water, so we're going to need to – Shit!”
Randy assumed that last word was not how she'd intended to finish that sentence. She was no longer clinging to the boat, and Randy was starting to sink again, now unable even to perform the poor excuse for swimming that he'd been doing before now that his hand was stuck in Katherine's pants. Knowing he was about to go under again, he took a deep breath.
He sank like a rock, dragging Katherine down with him until she finally wrenched his hand free of her pants. It was nice of her to try to save him. He offered her a friendly smile and a wave as he descended. He'd lived as good a life as he knew how. Ever since he'd been in this world, he'd done some good things and made some nice friends. He was at peace with himself, and ready to accept his fate.
Katherine, however, wasn't ready to accept his fate. She swam down toward him, pulled out her Bag of Holding, and gestured for Randy to get in it.
As soon as she brought the bag within his reach, Randy helped Katherine pull the mouth over his head and squeezed his body through. It was dark inside, which was probably for the best, considering all the dead dire rats that were bound to be floating around in there with him. He floated in empty space, not frightened but aware that any moment one of those rat corpses might brush against him. Instead he was hit repeatedly by floating globs of saltwater. In the void, he thought about what the odds were of Katherine finding him at just the right time. To the best of his knowledge, she had already crossed over to her new ship. Had she been given some kind of sign? He was hesitant to even entertain the thought, but was it possible that Jesus might have tipped her off?
His train of thought was derailed by Katherine's firm grasp on his wrist again. The next thing he knew, he'd been ejected from the Bag of Holding and spilled onto the Maiden's Voyage's rear deck.
“Are you okay?” asked Katherine.
Randy nodded. “How did you find me?”
Katherine accepted a blanket from one of Captain Longfellow's crewmen and wrapped it around herself. “With no help from your buddy Denise, that's for sure.” She shivered, which might have been due to a breezy chill after having just gotten out of the water, or might have been due to whatever she'd seen that was making her bring up Denise. “I was looking for you two to see if you wanted to ride on my new ship.”
“That was thoughtful of you. It's lucky you happened by just in time for Denise to tell you where I was.”
Katherine scoffed. “Denise didn't tell me shit. She was all hulked out and naked, manhandling our bunkmate into the cabin. He looked terrified. I think he might have been crying.”
Randy frowned. “If Denise didn't tell you, then how –”
“I happened to glance over the railing, and I saw your hand going underwater.” She took off her blanket and wrapped it around Randy. “Are you saying that Denise knew you were in the water? Did she throw you in there?”
“Of course not!” said Randy. “We're friends. She'd never do that. Her mind ain't quite right when she's in that Barbarian Rage. She was probably just distracted is all.” He thought up another question quick to change the subject. “How is it that you was crawling around on the side of the ship like that?”
“That was a spell. It timed out just after we surfaced. I'll have to keep better track of the spell duration next time. And you need to learn how to swim next time you level up.”
Randy nodded. “I s'pose that ain't a bad idea. So are we set to part ways with Captain Longfellow now that you got your own boat?”
“Not quite,” said Katherine. “He's requested that we make one stop together first.”
Chapter 35
Nabi felt restless in Cooper's hands. He hoped it didn't have anything to do with her sister suggesting that he was trying to bone her.
It's not that at all. Hollywhirl can be a touch overprotective.
Cooper didn't have a lot of thoughts that he didn't blurt out as soon as he had them, but he was uncomfortable with his mind being completely naked for Nabi to read. There weren't many better ways he knew to avoid thinking than idle chatter, so he continued the conversation.
“Then what's wrong?” said Cooper.
Chaz and the satyr glanced his way, saw he was talking to the axe, then continued their perpetual paranoid scan for shadows in the forest.
Cooper nearly fell backwards off the sled when Hollywhirl appeared in front of him, flying backwards at the pace the boar were running.
“Does something ail my sister?”
I thirst for the souls of the wicked, and I've not seen one of those damned Dark Ones all day.
“She's thirsty,” Cooper said to Hollywhirl. Then he addressed the axe again. “I hear you. I could really use a beer, and I haven't seen a bar in this forest either.”
Hollywhirl seemed satisfied with the dullness of their conversation as she flew ahead and vanished.
There will be time enough to dull your wits when I'm free of my prison and the Dark Lord and all his minions have been destroyed.
There will be time enough for you to eat my ass.
I can hear you.
Shit.
“So,” said Cooper, looking around for any stimulus for further meaningless conversation. “What's your favorite kind of tree?”
Oak.
“Oh.” He looked around for another stimulus, but the forest had blown its suggestion load with that first one. “Umm...” Instead of another question to ask, all he got from the effort he was putting into thinking was gas. It came out loud and long, and briefly gave him the sensation of riding a motorcycle.
“The Dark Ones appear to be more timid today,” said Zazzifuck, or whatever the satyr's name was. “Can you really think of no better use of our time than to ask your axe what its favorite tree is?”
“We're being dragged through the forest by pigs. What the fuck do you want us to do, Mr. Productivity? Take up knitting?”
“I just thought we might discuss possible reasons why the Dark Ones are more timid today. Of course it seems like a good thing, and not having to stop and fight one every five minutes is getting us to our destination quicker, but knowing the reason why might provide us with valuable information on how we might better keep from becoming one of them.”
“I have a theory about that,” said Chaz. “We're traveling deeper into the forest right now, aren't we?”
The satyr nodded.
“They're clearing everything out from the point of origin onward. Once every bird, bug, and chipmunk have had their life force sucked out of them, these Dark Ones have nothing left to consume. Their only option is to spread outward. They prefer to stay in the forest for its cover of natural shadows for now, but its only a matter of time before their thirst will push them beyond their comfort zones.”
“That's a good thing, right?” said the satyr. “Being able to see them makes them relatively easy to destroy.”
“That's true for anyone who comes across them and knows what they are, how to kill them, and happens to have magical weapons one them. Anyone else is likely to run away or be turned into one of them.”
The goatman frowned. “That's less good.”
“Without significant opposition, they'll continue to spread until they reach new forests where they can start the process all over again.”
“Glittersprinkles Grove is small and
isolated. Most of the other forests around here are much bigger and interconnected. If the Dark Ones reach another forest, they might easily take over the whole continent.”
We can use their desperation against them.
“We can use their desperation against them,” said Cooper.
Chaz and the goatman looked at him doubtfully.
“It was Nabi's idea.”
Their eyes lit up with sudden interest.
“Oh?” said the goatman.
“Let's hear it,” said Chaz.
“First of all, fuck both of you.” Cooper prepared himself for the mentally exhausting task of relaying Nabi's telepathic communication aloud.
As he listened, Nabi seemed to be getting a better grasp of how much information he could relay in a single chunk.
“Construct more Light Wards... A moving wall of light... Force them into tight pockets of shadow along the edge of the forest... Then move in, flush them out into the Wards' light or the sunlit meadows beyond the wood, and destroy them.”
The goatman stroked his billy goat beard thoughtfully. “The idea is not without merit.”
“We are too few in number to carry it out,” said Hollywhirl. “It would sate one axe's lust to cleave the souls of Dark Ones, but we'd never make our way around the entire grove before they are desperate enough to go beyond the edge.”
“It's better than sitting around inside a stationary perimeter of Light Wards and hoping everything will sort itself out,” said Cooper. He pointed to the axe. “Her words.”
“One strategy that is doomed to fail is just as good as another strategy that is doomed to fail.” Hollywhirl became visible and held up a finger, warning Cooper not to argue with her anymore. “We're nearly at the Pool of True Sight. I will continue bickering with my sister once I've confirmed it's her.”
That was just fine with Cooper. From the absence of unsolicited thoughts in his head, it was just fine with Nabi as well.
A few minutes later, the boar slowed to a stop next to a group of four trees. That alone wouldn't have been noteworthy, considering they were in a forest. But these four trees were distinguishable by virtue of being fat ancient-looking oaks with branches that sloped all the way down to the ground. And while the other trees were dispersed randomly throughout the forest, these four oaks stood as corners of a perfect square. Their roots mingled and twisted around each other, forming the sides of the square and trapping a pool of stagnant black water inside them. The branches likewise mingled together as if they were all part of the same supertree.
Now that he thought about it, this seemed like something he should have noticed from further away. He hadn't been staying hyper-aware of his surroundings, but this was kind of an unusual thing to jump out at him like that.
“Is this the place?” said Cooper. “Or we just taking a pee break? I kinda need to take a dump.” A conclusive response wasn't really necessary. As long as they were stopped, he would take his dump. He walked over to the nearest low-hanging branch and grabbed a hold of it at the height which best facilitated his ability to squat.
He was a little uncomfortable with the knowledge that so many invisible people were hovering around, any of whom might be watching him take a shit. He had to remind himself that he wasn't a young Asian woman on the internet, so the likelihood of anyone wanting to watch him defecate was remote at best.
“You are a stranger to my wood,” said a nearby scrawny tree which had just turned into an elf. He wore a simple wool cloak the same shade of grey as the bark of the tree he'd just been. He stared at Cooper expectantly with his bright green eyes.
“I'd like to keep it that way,” said Cooper. “I'm kind of in the middle of something. Could you maybe go away, or at least turn around?”
“I demand to know what business you and your traveling companions have here.”
“Dude. If you could give me just a little bit of privacy, I can do my business, and you can study it as hard as you like.”
“Barnabus,” said Hollywhirl, becoming visible between Cooper and the elf who was intensely watching him try to take a dump. “These people are with us.”
“Jesus Christ, guys. Would it kill you to take this conversation like fifty feet over that way?”
This is Barnabus. He is the guardian of the Pool of True Sight. I feared the Dark Ones might have taken him. I am much relieved to see that he appears to be unharmed.
Cooper had gotten used to shitting in Nabi's presence. But now that she was suddenly reminding him that she was part of a larger audience, he wished that she would step away as well.
“We seek vision from the Pool of True Sight,” said Hollywhirl. “The half-orc claims that his axe houses the spirit of my sister, Nabi.”
Barnabus folded his hands and bowed to Hollywhirl, then to Cooper. “You are welcome to use the Pool of True Sight. But be warned that the Dark Lord's influence has corrupted it. As he draws power from the roots of the Sacred Trees, the pool's ability to show Truth is compromised.”
Hollywhirl turned to Cooper. “We must take your axe.”
“I wish you would.”
Cooper felt the axe being unstrapped and lifted from his back, then he saw it float toward the black pool between the four fat oak trees, accompanied by Hollywhirl and Barnabus. Realizing he might not get any more privacy than he had right now, he concentrated on emptying his bowels but was still unable to get his mind and body to comply. In the back of his mind, he knew that while the pixies had bigger fish to fry than watching him take a shit, they were also into some freaky shit. He wouldn't put it past that one who wanted to jerk Chaz off to be hanging back to pleasure herself to the sight of him soil the soil.
When the axe was lowered into the pool, a holographic image appeared above it which opened Cooper's sphincter muscle like the valve on a pressure washer. He lost about ten pounds in two seconds.
The figure was pixie-like but wingless. That much was accounted for by Nabi's claims, but the image, while familiar, was a far cry from the image of Nabi that Cooper had once seen in his dreams.
Her skin was wrinkled, not so much like an old woman, but more like a younger woman who'd lived an extremely hard life. Her eyes were sunken and deep creases in her face highlighted sagging jowls. It seemed like every vein in her body was visible, dark grey against her translucent papery skin.
Some of the congregated pixies gasped. Others wept.
“Nabi!” cried Hollywhirl as she became visible. She reached out to touch Nabi's cheek, but her hand went through the image. “Sister, what's happened to you?”
“I warned you,” said Barnabus. “The pool is corrupted. This image does not show the full Truth of your sister.”
Nabi's image gaped at her sister's shocked expression. “Is it really that bad?”
Hollywhirl wiped a tear away and nodded. Then she turned to Barnabus. “But it's really her, isn't it? Nabi's spirit truly resides in this axe?”
“So it appears.”
“How can we get her out?”
Barnabus raised his arms in a shrug. “This is beyond my knowledge of magic.” He turned to the image of Nabi. “Who did this to you?”
“I don't know for sure, but I suspect very strongly that it was the Dark Lord who saps the life out of this wood.”
Cooper took a couple of steps back, hoping that he was far enough away to not transmit his thought that she was sapping the life out of his wood.
“There is one person who can tell us how to release you from this instrument of destruction,” Hollywhirl said to Nabi.
Nabi raised her eyebrows, making her face look even more gaunt and grotesque than before. “Who is that?”
“The same person who put you in there.”
“You don't mean...”
“We must enter Morning Glory Hole.”
Cooper snorted. Everyone who was visible turned to give him a stern glare.
“Sorry,” he said. “Seasonal allergies.”
“No,” said Nabi. “It's too dangerous. You
'll only end up the same as me, or even worse. Cooper and I must go alone.”
“Wait, what?” said Cooper.
“I don't want to lose you again, sister,” said Hollywhirl. “The Fae Folk need a leader, and I am unfit for such a position.”
“Poppycock. I have seen you in action. You're a little rough around the edges, but the other pixies respect you. That reminds me. The half-orc, Cooper, and I entrust one another with our lives. He has been nothing less than a perfect gentleman, and I give my consent to lay with him as he sleeps.”
Cooper farted in vindication. “I told you.”
“Please, Nabi. Let us join you. There is safety in numbers. You've already been in the hole. You know the goblins' traps, so we can avoid them.”
“How will all of you avoid a cave full of Webs? Cooper is strong and dense, and I am currently an axe. We have little to fear from Webs. Our job is to rid this wood of the Dark Lord and return my spirit to its proper body. Your job is to make sure I have a home to return to.”
Hollywhirl hung her head in resignation. “Very well, sister. I –”
Something that looked like a beanbag flew into the space between the four trees and exploded into a white cloud of what looked like flour. Two more explosions followed, one below the first one and another above it. The pixies which had chosen to remain invisible now resembled ghostly white apparitions. They also appeared drunk. The powder had apparently blinded them, causing them to fly into the tree trunks, branches, and each other.
“What is this?” demanded Nabi. “What's happening?”
Barnabus pointed to a cluster of bushes about twenty yards behind Cooper. “Goblins!” He spoke some additional words that Cooper didn't understand, and the bushes seized five screaming goblins in their prickly branches.
“They followed us!” cried one of the white drunk-looking pixies hovering aimlessly between the four trees. “They must have seen the – Oomph!” He and two other pixies were caught in a flying net. It had been launched by a group of goblins on one side of the trees using a mounted contraption that looked like an eight-barreled crossbow. A group on the other side of the trees stood by a similar contraption which was still loaded. They took aim and fired, netting four more pixies out of the air.
