by Robert Bevan
As the sun continued to rise, the ice continued to engulf the ship as Denise had predicted it would. When Katherine and Randy successfully guided Basil and Butterbean off the rear deck and onto the unnaturally solid ice, Katherine rewarded Denise's ingenuity by not punching her in her smug hairy face.
Across what looked like miles of solid ice, Katherine saw a small bump on the horizon. She and Randy hoisted Denise onto Basil's back, and they started the long cold walk to the island of Nazere.
Chapter 45
Chaz could sense they were headed in the right direction by the increasing gloominess of their surroundings. Perhaps right direction wasn't quite the correct way to put it. He was still torn between helping the pixies and just getting the hell out of this forest. He sensed, rather, that they were heading in their intended direction.
Purple vines clung weakly to the trunks of dying trees, their wilted black petals falling like volcanic ash. The further they traveled, the more abundantly this ominous strain of flora dominated the terrain.
“This place is creeping me out,” he said, barely above a whisper. “What kind of flowers are these?”
Cooper continued walking without responding, and Chaz assumed he was ignoring him, but after a moment passed, he spoke up.
“Nabi says they're called morning glories. When they're healthy, they're a beautiful shade of blue. The Dark Lord is sapping the life out of the forest. The nearer we get to him, the more evident his influence becomes.”
Chaz plucked a black petal and rubbed it between his fingers. It produced a dark blue smudge. “Well we must be getting pretty close, because his influence is evident as fuck.”
“You need to hurry!” squawked an avian voice flying in from behind them.
“Jesus, Ravenus,” said Chaz. As much practice as he now had speaking in a phony British accent, it never felt any less douchey. “You can't sneak up on people like that. You about gave me a heart attack.”
Ravenus flew to a branch and spoke to Chaz as he passed under it. “The goblins aren't far behind you. You'd do well to hide yourselves.”
“Will you tell that bird to shut the fuck up?” said Cooper.
“He says the goblins are right behind us.”
“All the more reason for him to shut the fuck up. He sounds like a goddamn car alarm.”
“Ask Nabi what we're supposed to do now.”
Cooper walked in silence for a moment, then relayed Nabi's thoughts. “It all boils down to, if we let them get in their defensive positions, we're fucked.”
Chaz nodded eagerly. “Yes, that makes sense. What else.”
“They'll shoot us both dead before we ever get near them, and they'll make sure they finish the job this time.”
“I understand that,” said Chaz. “All of that was implied by we're fucked. So... at the risk of repeating myself, what are we supposed to do?”
After another pause, Cooper said, “Not let them get in their defensive positions.”
“Oh, that's very helpful. Thank you, General MacArthur.” It became evident to Chaz that he was going to have to take some initiative in developing a strategy. “What have we got to work with? I have a goblin bow, and just marginally enough Strength to fire it. You have a magical axe and Barbarian Rage. To best leverage our assets, we should find a spot they're certain to pass through, where I can hide up in a tree and you can hide at the base of it.”
“It's nice how you leverage your ass set up a tree and leave me down here to fight off a dozen goblins by myself.”
“I'm your air support, firing arrows from above. You're the tank. These are our respective roles and, unless you can think of anything better, the best chance I see of us taking these assholes out.”
“What about my idea of grabbing them one at a time while they're taking a shit?”
Chaz didn't want to tell him directly how shitty a plan that was, but their time was running out. Fortunately, while he was trying to think of a more roundabout way of saying the same thing, Cooper spoke up again.
“Nabi likes your plan better,” he said glumly. “Some friend.”
“Don't take it like that,” said Chaz, seeing an opportunity to win Cooper over a little, which couldn't hurt when he was depending on Cooper to keep him alive. “She only wants what's best for you. Rather than spare your feelings, she made a decision against your objectively shitty plan.” Shit. Wasn't I just trying to avoid saying that exact thing?
“Fuck your mother.”
Chaz didn't feel any more comforted about Cooper's desire to keep him alive.
“I'm just saying that she cares about you. She wants to make sure you have the best possible chance of getting out of this alive, and she's willing to tell you things you don't want to hear in order to make sure that happens. Isn't that what true friendship is all about?”
Cooper shrugged, which was better than a punch in the face. “I guess so. That's kind of what happened between me and Tim one time. I told him some shit I thought he didn't want to hear, but I thought he needed to.”
Chaz let out a silent sigh of relief. They were getting somewhere, perhaps even... bonding? “Good for you. How did that work out?”
“He fell way off the deep end, slit Mordred's throat, and then wound up getting himself murdered. So, not well.”
“Oh,” said Chaz. “I'm sorry. I assumed you were referring to a time further back in your relationship.”
“You know, your plan is pretty shitty too. I mean, where the fuck am I supposed to hide at the base of a fucking tree?”
Chaz considered the trees and determined that Cooper had made a good point. Some were thicker than others, but none were even close to thick enough for a big-ass half-orc barbarian to reliably hide behind. The plan was heavily dependent on the element of surprise. If the goblins got a chance to organize from any appreciable distance, Cooper would be shot down before he could get a swing in.
So absorbed was he in trying to think up a solution to this problem that he tripped over the obvious solution and fell face-first into more of it.
He rolled onto his back and grinned up at Cooper. “Vines!”
“Really fucking observant of you. I'm sure glad you're on my side.”
“No, I mean the ground is literally covered in vines!”
Cooper furrowed his brow, then his eyes widened. “Do you have an Entangle spell?”
“No. And I can't cast any spells right now anyway without an instrument.”
“Then who gives a shit about the vines?”
“You can hide under them. We'll rip a bunch of vines out of the ground and cover you with them at the base of a tree. You'll look like a small hill or mound.”
After silently consulting his axe, Cooper sighed. “Nabi thinks it could work.”
In the couple of days since the shadow monsters had drained his Strength, Chaz felt like he'd regained some of it. Standing upright no longer felt like a workout, and his arms didn't feel like they were made out of lead when he lifted them. But uprooting these morning glory vines was really a chore. After freeing one from its hold in the rich earth, he wiped the sweat from his brow and checked on Cooper, who had ripped out enough vines to cover ten of himself.
“They're coming!” Ravenus whispered urgently, flapping down to land on a branch near Chaz's head.
“Yeah, we know. You already –” Chaz shut up when he heard the terrible randomly blown notes of someone who obviously didn't have a whole lot of practice playing satyr pipes. “Holy shit, they're coming!” He looked for a suitable tree in the path of where the music was coming from.
Finally, a spot of luck. The perfect tree stood out like a gift from the gods. It had a low branch leading to a slightly higher one, then to an even higher branch with enough leaves and morning glory vines to provide a decent amount of cover. From that position, Chaz thought he might be able to fire off three or four arrows before the goblins discovered where he was shooting from. That would be more than enough time for the fight to have been pretty well decide
d.
“There,” he said to Cooper, pointing at his selected tree. “Hurry up. They're practically here.”
Cooper dropped his massive pile of vines on the ground next to the tree. He laid Nabi down on the opposite side to where the terrible music was coming from, then picked up the vines and dumped them on the axe. Finally, he crawled under the vine pile to join Nabi.
Chaz stood back and tried to imagine seeing this as a natural scene. He couldn't do it. It was obviously a pile of vines someone had deliberately put at the base of a tree. It would definitely arouse suspicion. He smoothed down the sides of the pile, pulling some of the vines around to the front of the tree. Standing back a second time, he felt a lot better about how it looked. It wouldn't pass a close inspection, but by the time the goblins got close enough to make that distinction, it would be too late.
The music was getting closer. Chaz hurried back to the tree and jumped up to catch the lowest branch. There, hanging like a dumbass with death marching toward him, he discovered the fatal flaw in his plan. He'd regained some of his Strength back, but nowhere close to all of it. Certainly not enough to do a pull-up. Hell, in this body, he wasn't sure if he could do a pull-up at full Strength. He glanced down at the mound of vines by his dangling feet and considered asking Cooper to give him a boost. But Cooper couldn't be trusted to properly hide himself alone.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Think. Think. Think. No, there's no time. Fuck it.
Chaz let go of the branch, dropped to a lying position on the ground, and slithered into the vine pile.
“Dude,” said Cooper. “What the fuck? You're supposed to be up in the tree.”
Chaz readied his goblin bow and laid a few arrows from the quiver on the ground next to him. “I'm too weak to climb.” He sniffed the air. There was something in it more pungent than vegetation or earth, like a dead skunk, or... “Did you fart?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus, dude.” Chaz's eyes were watering. “How can you stand that?”
“Fuck you. I wasn't expecting company.”
“Could you stop moving around so much? You're making it –”
“Hey!” cried Ravenus as loud as he possibly could.
What the hell was he thinking? Did he not understand what their situation was? Chaz wanted to tell him to shut up, but there were limits on how far he'd stick his neck out for a bird.
“Hey you! Goblins! I'm up here in the tree!”
The amateur pipe music stopped playing, and the goblins began chattering among themselves. Chaz couldn't understand the goblin tongue, but he thought he had a pretty good idea of what they were probably saying.
“Did you hear that?”
“It sounds like a bird.”
“How could that be? The Dark Ones cleared this place out.”
“It could have flown in from somewhere else.”
“Who cares? It sounds like a big fucker. Let's shoot it.”
“Dibs on a leg!”
“Fuck off. You ate both legs last time. You'll be lucky to get the neck.”
“Do you know what I like? Cornish hens.”
“Oh yes, those are lovely.”
Chaz was making up random shit at this point. He had no idea what the goblins were going on about and why it was taking them so long to act. He was worried that they might have spotted him and Cooper, then felt relieved when he heard bowstrings twanging but didn't feel arrows boring holes in his face.
“Shit!” cried Ravenus.
The goblins shouted short imperatives at each other. They were circling in.
“You missed me!” Ravenus taunted them, but his tone was less cocky than his words. He was purposely trying to draw them in closer. “Any time you gentlemen are ready.”
“That's our cue,” whispered Chaz. “Let me get one shot off before you start roiding out and tearing shit up.” He grabbed an arrow and brushed some vine out of his face to find a target.
The first goblin he saw didn't have his bow out. He had something in his hands, but Chaz couldn't make out exactly what it was. With the odds against them as much as they already were, he sought to maximize whatever opportunities he could. An already armed goblin would make a better target. Success would mean two less arrows being fired back at them rather than only the one from the goblin who was currently unprepared.
He brushed away a little more vine to improve his view and spotted a goblin aiming his bow high toward the upper branches of the tree. Perfect. Then a movement in his periphery drew his attention back to the unarmed goblin. It brought whatever was in its hand to its mouth, then started playing familiarly terrible music.
“That son of a –” Chaz said before he could stop himself.
The goblin's eyes locked with his, and it blew a sharp loud note which was even more off key than its usual performance.
Their cover blown, Chaz didn't bother with trying to be sneaky while nocking his arrow.
“Now, Cooper!” he cried and released his bowstring. The goblin, who had dropped Zanzifurl's pipes and was frantically grabbing for his own bow, caught Chaz's arrow in the gut. His groan of agony was more pleasing to the ear than any note he'd blown on those pipes.
“I'm really angry!” said Cooper, rising out of the vine pile amid confused goblin shrieks and cries. Cooper in his Barbarian Rage looked terrifying enough without any additional accoutrement, but the creepy black vines hanging from his body must have had the goblins shitting themselves. He looked like some kind of swamp revenant, returned from the dead to exact revenge upon those who had slain him. He ran at the goblin Chaz had shot and grabbed it by the neck, he and Nabi both apparently trying to resist the urge to just chop it in half. If it was still alive at this point, the two arrows it intercepted as they were on their way to Cooper surely did it in. No longer having any use for it, Cooper threw the dead goblin at one of its companions, but hit the tree it was taking cover behind instead.
Arrows were flying past Cooper from multiple directions, but only three managed to hit him. Chaz couldn't see where all of the arrows were coming from. Having been caught unaware and unprepared, the goblins weren't fighting as an organized unit. They were more concerned about individual survival than they were about their blitzkrieg battle tactics. If Cooper and Chaz could keep the chaos going, they would have a fighting chance.
He spotted one goblin who was still scrambling to find cover. An arrow in its ass didn't kill it, but it got its attention.
The twang of bowstrings seemed to be lessening, but it was difficult to make out such specific sounds over the din of Cooper's Rage-induced fit of swearing and goblin screams cut short by crunches and splatters.
Chaz sought another target and spotted a goblin peeking up from behind their pile of equipment. He took aim, then –
“Yaaaa!” he cried at a sudden searing pain in his lower back. Chaz had been shot enough times now to know the feel of an arrow, but it never got any easier. Pulling them out was hard enough when they were in easy-to-reach places. The pain would be that much worse trying to grab it at such an awkward angle. He forced himself to think of all the filthy little goblin hands that had touched the arrow. They probably wiped their asses with those hands, and they almost certainly didn't wash with soap afterward. That was just the motivation he needed to reach around back, grit his teeth, and give the arrow a nice hard yank. He sighed. Fuck, that hurt.
THWUNK! THWUNK! Two more arrow shafts wobbled in the trunk of the tree right next to his head. Why were they shooting at him? Wasn't Cooper still a more threatening – Shit, Cooper! Was he...
“Fuck you! And you! And you!” Cooper's voice conveyed the exertion of axe chops. Evidently, he was still alive.
Chaz crawled around the tree for cover and saw that, while Cooper had about a dozen arrows poking out of him, he was still up and fighting. The goblins who were shooting at Chaz must have been doing so because he was an easier target for them to aim for without moving from their hiding places.
Cooper was doing as good a job as could be expec
ted, but he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. Chaz needed to help more effectively if they were going to get out of this alive.
“Chaz!” cried a tiny high-pitched female voice.
“Dimplethorn?” Chaz looked in the direction he thought the voice had come from, over by the goblin's equipment.
Of course! The goblins had brought the goddamn cavalry with them! Inside the little rickshaw they'd been hauling their supplies in, Chaz spotted a moving blob of net peeking over the edge.
“Shut up!” said the goblin who was hiding behind the rickshaw. He swatted down on the net, eliciting a cry of pain from several of the trapped pixies and igniting a spark of fury in Chaz. He couldn't tolerate seeing someone hit such a delicate and beautiful creature, and he told himself that it had nothing to do with her having given him a handjob.
“You goblin piece of shit!” he cried as he started running clumsily at the cart. His Strength not yet fully replenished, his legs weren't quite ready for a sprint. He must have looked like a drunken asshole, because the goblin he was running at actually laughed as he nocked the arrow that might very well end Chaz's life.
But while his Strength may still be suffering, his Charisma and Dexterity scores were doing fine. He took advantage of them by using the Bluff and Tumble skills to feign moving left, then rolled to the right and picked up Zanzifurl's pipes.
The feigning left worked well enough, causing the goblin to fire in the wrong direction. The roll, on the other hand, turned out to be more of just a run-of-the-mill falling to the ground, grabbing the pipes, and standing back up. Not a whole lot of panache, but it got the job done. By the time the goblin had another arrow ready, Chaz was on top of it, tackling it with a similar grace he'd demonstrated with his Tumble attempt.
Even though he was twice its size, Chaz guessed that they were about equally matched in Strength. The goblin might have actually been one or two points stronger than him. If he lost his current advantage, he would be highly unlikely to regain it, so he sought to maintain it the best way he could think of, by throttling the goblin's throat with both hands and repeatedly slamming its disproportionately large head against the ground. He considered what Nabi had requested about trying to keep some of the goblins alive, but this felt like a kill-or-be-killed situation, and he was going to put everything he had into not ending this fight on the be-killed side.
