“Things and circumstances change with time Gia. What was true a couple of months ago may not be true today.” I sat back and thought about what Christoff had said.
“What exactly are you saying Christoff? Are things not going well with you and Arianna?” Part of me was legitimately concerned but deep inside I selfishly hoped that they had broken up. I was already celebrating inside my head even though I wasn’t quite sure what Christoff meant.
“I don’t really care to talk about it. I’m sorry it came up. Please, let’s change the subject,” Christoff said gruffly. “How are things with your billionaire?” He smoothly shifted the focus away from himself. His question hit me in the pit of my stomach. I tried to keep my face expressionless but I think I visibly winced at the discomfort his inquiry caused. I blinked rapidly as I tried to find words. “Obviously not well?” Christoff raised his eyebrow.
“Um… yeah, we broke up,” I responded quietly.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Christoff feigned sympathy.
“No, you’re not,” I said incredulously.
“Well what was I supposed to say? Congratulations?” Christoff teased. He tried to smile but we both were a little on edge.
“I don’t know Christoff. There really is no right thing to say. I’m just not in a good place right now.”
“Why? What happened?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it right now okay?” My voice came out shrill and tense. I felt myself slipping back into my melancholy abyss.
“Understood.” There was an awkward silence. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I was trying to keep my head on straight, but the mention of Trevor rattled me. Christoff was the first to break the silence. “Gia?”
“Yes Christoff?”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t want to pry and I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m starting to sense that there is something very wrong. You look different and you’re acting strange. If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t want to talk about it, but I need to know if you’re okay. Are you okay Gia?”
I didn’t know how I wanted to respond. I wanted to be strong and I really wanted to handle this on my own so that I could regain my independence and get out of the mindset of depending on other people, but I used every ounce of strength I had to free myself from Trevor. I had nothing left. I was just an empty shell struggling to hold myself together. I really needed Christoff but I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to know that. “I don’t know Christoff.” I looked away.
“Gia, what do you mean you don’t know? Are you okay or are you not?” Christoff spoke firmly but gently. He wasn’t one for a lot of back and forth. I knew better than to be evasive with him. He liked people to get to the point. I didn’t have any words to explain how I was feeling so I just shook my head ‘no.’
“Do you need me to come be with you?”
“I don’t need anything from anyone Christoff,” I snapped. “That’s how I got into this situation in the first place, being too damn needy.” I was becoming agitated and I was starting to take it out on Christoff.
“Gia, don’t be that way towards me. Cut the crap. Do you want me to come see you or not?” I could hear a profound sense of concern in Christoff’s voice but I knew he would lose his patience if I continued to be abrasive toward him.
“I don’t know Christoff, do you want to come see me?”
“Gia, let’s be logical here. Would I offer to come out there if I didn’t want to see you?”
“No.”
“Okay. This is my last time asking you. You look like you could use someone to talk to. I could be out there tomorrow if you want me to be. But I don’t want to be there if you don’t want me to be there. So answer me ‘yes’ or ‘no’ Gia. Do you want me to come see you or not?”
“Yeah. I could really use some company,” I answered reluctantly. I couldn’t look directly at the screen. I was too distraught. I just stared off into space.
“Are you still in L.A.?”
“No, I moved back to Chicago.”
“Where at in Chicago?”
“I’m back at my old apartment.”
“Alright, I’m going to go now so I can take care of some things and get there as soon as possible. Are you going to be alright until I get there?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thank you for reaching out to me Christoff. I really appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome Gia. It’s nothing. I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay, talk soon.”
I don’t think Christoff had ever seen me this unhinged before. I was grateful and relieved that he was flying across the world to come be with me when I needed him most. But I was embarrassed over the fact that he would see me at my worst. I thought about going to the salon to get a blow out and going to the store to buy makeup but I just couldn’t muster the energy or motivation. I wondered how Trevor was doing. I hadn’t heard from him since my first day back in Chicago. He checked to make sure I had gotten in safely and he said he needed to make a clean break. He went on to say it would hurt too much to have me in his life in any way. I agreed that cutting each other off completely was for the better. Even though Trevor was no longer in my life, I was still rattled by the fact that even though I lived with him for several months, there was still so much about him that I didn’t know. But what was even more alarming is the way that I allowed him to change me. I knew I should give myself credit for leaving him but for some reason I felt worthless for allowing him to overstep my boundaries in the first place. And I felt helpless because I didn’t have him there to guide and protect me anymore. I went to bed confused and distraught. I would have given anything to get out of the funk I was in. As I tossed and turned I reminded myself that I did have something to be happy about, Christoff.
* * *
Christoff arrived at my apartment at the exact time he said he would be there. He was always so precise and punctual. I basked in the familiarity of his reliability. When I opened the door he literally took my breath away. He had on a snug navy T-shirt that hugged his statuesque physique perfectly and it really brought out the cerulean blue tones in his eyes. His ripped stonewashed jeans made him look like such a rock star, and his chocolate brown hair had gotten a bit longer since I’d last seen him. I loved it. I stood there speechless as I took him all in. He looked me up and down before meeting my gaze. If I wasn’t mistaken I thought I saw his eyes light up.
“Gia, it’s really good to see you. Thanks for allowing me to come here.” Christoff’s tone and demeanor was reserved as usual but the sound of his voice made my heart skip a beat. He pulled me into his arms and held me in his embrace. The warmth from his body brought me a feeling of peace and solace that I hadn’t felt in months. I took in a deep breath and enjoyed the scent of Christoff’s spicy musk. It smelled like home. I allowed myself to get lost in him as he squeezed me tightly and stroked my hair. It felt so good to be held.
“It’s good to see you too Christoff. Thanks for coming.” I buried my face in the broadness of his chest.
After a long while, we finally let go of each other and I ushered him into the living room and we sat on the couch. “It’s dinner time. Have you eaten yet?” Christoff inquired tenderly.
“No. You?”
“Not yet.”
“Do you feel like going out?”
“No not really.”
“Well let’s order delivery for tonight and if I’m still here tomorrow I’ll cook for you. How’s that sound?”
“That sounds amazing.”
Christoff and I ate mostly in silence. We didn’t really need to say anything — we just enjoyed being in each other’s company. He talked a bit about some concepts he was thinking about for his band’s next album. I was always intrigued to hear about Christoff’s creative process. And I was especially appreciative of his conversation today because listening to him talk allowed me to escape from my own troubling thoughts. When we were done eating, Christoff gazed at me intentl
y.
“You know, I really am sorry to see you going through whatever it is you’re dealing with right now.” Christoff looked at me affectionately.
“Well, in all honesty I’m doing much better now that you’re here.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”
“So I don’t want to pry too much but when we talked you said you had a rough couple of weeks too. What’s going on with you? You always hold everything in. You do know you can talk to me right?”
“Thank you for your concern Gia but it’s a sticky issue that I probably shouldn’t be discussing with you especially since you’re going through your own stuff. I don’t want to dump all my problems on you.”
“Well I appreciate you flying across the world to be there for me but I want to be there for you too. This is a two-way street you know. I can tell you have something on your mind.”
Christoff squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Gia, you’re the last person I should be discussing this with but something is weighing heavy on me and I haven’t trusted anyone else enough to talk to them about it. So it’s just been eating me from the inside out.”
“Christoff, go ahead, you can talk to me. And you know I won’t judge you right?”
“Yes, I know that I can trust you. To be honest you probably know more about me than anyone else.”
“I’m honored Christoff. Now what’s going on with you?” It felt good to shift the focus to someone else for a while instead of wallowing in my own problems.
Christoff took a moment before speaking. “Arianna and I broke up. And it was not an easy breakup.”
“Why? What happened? Things seemed to be going so well between you two.” I felt a pang of sympathy for Christoff in the pit of my stomach. As much as I was elated that he was single, it pained me to know that he was not doing well.
“Well, things were going well, but true to form I managed to fuck things up.”
“Oh, Christoff what did you do?” I asked in a hushed tone. I placed a supportive hand on his thigh.
“What you and I had last year changed me. It made me a better man. After last summer I vowed to myself that I would never cheat again. I started putting other people first instead of myself. I was doing so well at being a good person for a long time. But then even though I was with Arianna and things were going well, I started to feel lonely. The emptiness inside started to haunt me again. I was so desperate to fill that void that I started to feel the urge to stray. I resisted the temptation, even though it was on the brink of overwhelming me. But the guilt I felt every time I even came close to making a move on another woman was enough to drive me insane. I didn’t want to be that person anymore but I felt like I couldn’t escape who I was deep inside. When I bumped into you at the charity function even though we didn’t do anything I cheated in my mind with you over and over again that night and many nights thereafter. I felt horrible about it. And to add insult to injury, Arianna’s so-called friends were always flirting with me and tempting me beyond belief. It was a bad situation all around. I had to get out so I left her. And I didn’t want to hurt her so I really didn’t give her an explanation. She didn’t take it well at all. I tried to do the right thing but I feel so shitty. I’ve just been in a funk for weeks. And I’ve been missing you like crazy lately but to be honest I don’t know if I deserve you. I am so messed up.” I could hear the frustration in Christoff’s voice. I pulled him into my embrace and rubbed the back of his neck as he rested his head against my bosom.
“You're not messed up Christoff,” I whispered in his ear. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I think you’re a really strong man for the way you handled it.”
Christoff looked up at me. There was a vulnerability in his gaze that I had witnessed few times before in all of the time that I knew him. “Really?”
“Yes, I think you’re amazing.” Christoff wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my chest. I squeezed him and stroked his hair.
“Thank you Gia. I really needed to hear that.”
“You’re welcome.” I drew strength from knowing that Christoff needed me in this moment as much as I needed him. Christoff wasn’t one to lean on anyone for support, so I was deeply moved by the fact that he trusted me with his vulnerabilities. I held him in silence for a long time.
“Hey Gia?” Christoff raised his head gingerly.
“Yeah Christoff?” I gazed down at him not bothering to withhold the adoration I felt for him from my gaze.
“Tomorrow do you want to go down to Lake Michigan like old times?” My heart melted as I reminisced on how Christoff and I first started falling in love with each other last summer at the lake.
“Ohmigawsh! I would love that,” I breathed.
“Yeah me too. Let’s do it.” Christoff sat up. “I’m going to sleep out here on the couch tonight. If we continue to hold each other for a second longer one thing is going to lead to another and as much as I want you I don’t think that’s a good idea for either of us right now.”
Although part of me admired Christoff’s maturity, deep down inside I was disappointed that I wouldn’t get to sleep in his arms tonight. “Okay Christoff. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
* * *
The next morning we strolled along the lakeshore path as we admired the picturesque Chicago skyline. After doing a couple of laps we sat down on my favorite bench where I used to come once a week after work to ponder life. We sat hip to hip. I enjoyed being so close to Christoff. It felt like everything was right in the world.
“You seem to be doing a lot better today than you were yesterday.” Christoff gently caressed my face.
“I guess being with you just has that effect on me.” I smiled at Christoff. He blushed.
“Well I hate to be the one to rain on your parade but you do know I can’t stay here forever. As much as I enjoy your company I do have to get back home eventually.”
“I don’t want you to go,” I whined as I rested my head on Christoff’s shoulder. “Please could you stay here forever Christoff, and we can both live happily ever after?”
Christoff gazed into my eyes. “As delightful as it sounds Gia, you and I both know that’s not realistic. Besides both of us are sorting out so much of our own stuff right now, it wouldn’t be the best time to discuss getting back together.” Christoff spoke gently.
“I think I want to be with you forever Christoff,” I whispered quietly. I couldn’t bear the thought of letting go of him again.
“I won’t live for forever Gia. I don’t even know what forever means and you don’t either. Neither one of us can predict the future. That’s why I live for the present moment. I live for the here and now because that’s the only thing we have that’s for certain. And right now we’re here together in this moment… in this perfect present moment, so let’s enjoy each other.” Christoff took my hand in his and we interlocked fingers. “Okay?”
“Okay Christoff.” I gazed into his intense sapphire eyes and saw my past, my present and my future all at once. No matter what happened I knew that Christoff and I would always be one in spirit. I nuzzled against him and let the peacefulness of his presence wash over me in our perfect present moment.
THE END
***
Her International
Billionaire
BWWM Celebrity Ecounters
Book 3
Jasmine
Jameson
Chapter 1
It had been two months since I’d left my billionaire BDSM boyfriend Trevor Dunaway in L.A. to return to Chicago with no job, no plan, and no soul. The relationship with Trevor drained the life out of me. When we first met, he warned me that I shouldn’t get involved with someone like him. He told me to run several times, but I didn’t listen. I couldn’t. He was literally irresistible. He swept me off my feet and made me feel like royalty. He helped advance my career by giving me an on-air position on his music network Rock Hard TV, and he pushed my sexuality to new heigh
ts. He introduced me to BDSM and showed me how much pleasure the pain could bring. Submitting to Trevor took me into another realm. I was in heaven and hell at the same time. He took care of all of my wants, needs, and desires—both material and physical. But the relationship robbed me spiritually and emotionally. He made all of the decisions, including to what I would wear on a daily basis and who I would associate with. I completely lost my identity as Giavanna Johnson, the strong, independent, entertainment journalist who would one day have her own television show, and I became Trevor’s submissive girlfriend, a nameless, empty, shell of a woman who had no purpose but to obey and serve Trevor. The more I got to know Trevor, the more I realized that what I initially perceived as intriguing eccentricity was actually a deep dark sickness that would eventually infect me if I didn’t escape.
It took everything that I had to leave Trevor, and he didn’t make it easy. The situation completely broke me, but, in hindsight, I was glad that I left. After I returned to Chicago, I was in one of my darkest hours when a ray of light from my past illuminated my life. Christoff Diemacht Hartmann, the man I loved more deeply than I’ve ever loved anyone, serendipitously reached out to me shortly after my break up. Christoff and I met a little over a year ago, when I was interviewing him about his band Aus Deutschland’s new album. At first we bumped heads, but, after a life changing night on his private jet, we became deeply intertwined. Last year he invited me to move to his home in Germany and start a life with him, but I declined because I wanted to stay in the US and focus on my career. My biggest dream in life was to have my own entertainment news show, and I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way, not even love. That was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It hurt Christoff deeply, and it caused us to go our separate ways. He came back for me, but it was too late; I was already involved with Trevor.
Each time I walked away from Christoff, it tore me apart. He had become my closest friend, my strongest supporter, and my most compatible lover. I felt a connection with him before we even met. I was a huge fan of his band’s work even before they made it big in America. I had watched every Christoff Diemacht Hartmann interview ever recorded, and I always dreamed of the day I would meet him. I was such a big fan that I even learned German, so that I could understand his lyrics more deeply. The first night I met Christoff in person, I was predictably star struck, but, as we got to know each other, my feelings quickly grew into something deeper and much more complex. Our connection was different than anything I’d ever felt before with anyone. What was extra special about Christoff was that the feeling was mutual from day one. Christoff had always been upfront with me about how deeply he cared about me. He has even said his love for me changed him into a better man. Despite all of this, I was foolish enough to walk away from him twice: once for my career and once for Trevor. I didn’t know if I could ever forgive myself for choosing Trevor over Christoff. It was a short sighted decision.
BWWM: Bad Boy Billionaires Box Set (A Bad Boy BWWM Billionaire Collection) Page 37
