I was touched that meeting me had such an effect on Eric but my head was spinning from the mess he was in. Part of me wanted to hold him and make it all better and another part of me wanted to get as far away from him as possible. I didn’t know if I should run toward him or away from him. “Eric, I’ll just be real with you. I’m really drawn to you. You know that already. You already called me on it.” I smiled playfully and I could tell that Eric was smiling on the other end of the line. I paused before speaking again. “Obviously, I really like you. But I just don’t know if I can handle the situation you are in.”
“So are you saying you won’t go out with me?”
“No, I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying I need some time to process all this.”
There was silence on the line for at least a full minute. “Fine. I’ve never had a woman resist me like this before but if you want to be difficult then so be it. I respect your need for space but I’m not going to wait around for you. If you decide that you finally want to be treated like a queen by a man you know you want and who wants you back just as much then you know where to find me. Goodbye Giavanna.”
“Don’t be mad at me Eric.”
“I’m not mad. I’m just tired of being pushed away.”
“I’m sorry. I just need some time to think. Just so you know I really like you.”
“I like you too Giavanna but I have to go now okay?”
“Okay, Eric. Bye.” I felt tears well in my eyes as I tried to figure out what to do. .I exhaled as I wished things weren’t so complicated. I drew a deep breath and held it so he wouldn’t hear me cry.
“Bye.”
After I hung up with Eric I felt an aching void start in the pit of my stomach and permeate through my entire being. I desperately longed for the affection that Eric was so willing to give me but I was afraid to move forward with him.. My conflicting feelings tied me in knots. The only thing that could ever comfort me when I was feeling like this was really hard rock music. When I was younger I got teased incessantly for liking ‘white music’ but it never stopped me from being me. I was proud of my diverse tastes. For whatever reason aggressive rock music really resonated with me. I poured some wine put on my favorite Aus Deutschland CD and rocked out. Aus Deutschland was a very hard and heavy band from Germany. Their intense guitar riffs and Christoff Diemacht Hartmann’s melodic baritone vocals always drove me into a euphoric frenzy no matter how bad of a situation I was going through. Mmmm rock stars…so sexy and uncomplicated. I wish I had one of my own. I curled into fetal position on my couch as I simultaneously pined for what I could not have with Eric and daydreamed about I wish I had with my fantasy rock star men.
***
Several days passed since my conversation with Eric. I was so conflicted about everything. And I missed him terribly. I spent most of my time working and consoling myself with wine, dessert and music. Today I took the day off from working. I was excited to get out and bring some joy into my life. It was a warm Thursday afternoon and I met up with one of my favorite men in the industry, Jessie Spade.. Jessie was tall and athletic with gray eyes, dark wavy hair and the perfect California tan. He was a talented commercial actor and an amazing friend. If he wasn’t gay I’m certain Jessie and I would be dating if not married. We had a brief fling a couple of years ago when he thought he was straight for six months. I suppose I’m honored to be the only woman Jessie has ever been with. We agreed to meet on Rodeo Drive to go window shopping. It was one of our rituals. We did it at least once a month. Jessie was waiting on me in front of the Louis Vuitton store when I arrived. He was wearing tailored khakis and a black short sleeve muscle shirt. He looked great even dressed down. I was wearing a cotton dark yellow sundress navy shoes and accessories and a pair of over sized shades.
“Look at you! You look amazing.” Jessie exclaimed as he embraced me and kissed me on both cheeks.
“Likewise.”
“Shall we?” Jessie opened the door to the Louis Vuitton store and let me walk in front of him.
“Indeed.” I giggled
Jessie perused the luggage as I admired the handbags. He gestured for me to come over as he flipped the price tag over to a four thousand dollar suitcase. “I totally should have been a designer instead of an actor.” Jessie joked.
“I know right. All you would have to do is sell four or five bags a month to live well. And apparently the bags don’t even have to be cute.” I laughed.
“You don’t like Louis?”
“Not the bags but I love the shoes! Come.” I grabbed Jessie’s hand and drug him over to the shoe department. There were a pair of shoes that I had been eyeing for weeks still in the same place that I left them. They were pink sparkly pumps. They looked like Dorothy’s ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz only a different color. “Jessie, look!” I held up one of the pumps and tilted it back and forth so it would sparkle under the lights.
“Ooohh stunning!”
“I want these so bad. But they are nine hundred ninety five dollars. If I bought them I wouldn’t make rent and I certainly wouldn’t be able to go out for awhile.”
“Don’t worry. When you make it big you will be able to buy ten pairs of Louis Vuitton heels. And you’ll be able to afford some Louis luggage for me, right?”
“Oh believe me once I get my own show I will spoil you my dear.” Jessie smiled endearingly at me. “That’s one of the major reasons I want to make it big so I can shower you and Amber with fancy presents.” I beamed back at Jessie. “ I hate that I’ve become so materialistic but the merchandise on Rodeo is pretty awesome. I swear back in the day I used to never care about labels. Now all of a sudden I have a taste for pricey shoes and fancy dresses. Ugh. I’m kind of disgusted with myself. I’m turning into one of those girls. You know the bougie ‘new money’ kind even though I don’t even have any money yet.” I pouted.
“Hollywood will do that to you.” Jessie chuckled. “Don’t beat yourself up too much. You work hard and you deserve nice things. If you like sparkly over priced shoes then just keep plugging away and save up for them. There is no sin in being fashionable, love.” Jessie caressed my upper arm affectionately.
“You’re right. I like the way you think.” I smiled. Jessie’s words of wisdom were priceless.
“Let’s get out of here and go scope some diamonds. You up for hitting the display window at Tiffany’s?”
“You bet!”
Jessie and I walked arm and arm as we covetously gazed at the window displays in the high end stores that lined Rodeo. I knew money wasn’t everything nor was status but I was itching to join the upper echelon of the industry. Even though I had great friends, I loved my work and I had access to awesome Hollywood perks something in my life felt like it was lacking. I kept feeling like if I got my own show or if I were able to afford the things on Rodeo then maybe I would feel complete. But part of me was deathly afraid of the idea that I could make it to the top, buy all the designer labels in the world and still feel like something was missing. Even though it was a beautiful day and I was walking arm in arm with a sweet and gorgeous man the aching void inside was nagging me.
“You’re kind of quiet, hun is something up?” Jessie looked over at me.
“I’m okay, just thinking.”
“About what?”
“There’s got to be more to life than shoes and clothes and bags. I really care about my career but I’m starting to want more.”
“Oooohhh! I think Giavanna has the baby bug!” Jessie exclaimed.
I pulled my arm away from Jessie and smacked him with my purse. “No way Jessie! I don’t want a baby, at least not now. I don’t know what I want exactly. All I know is that whatever it is I don’t have it yet.”
“Okay, let’s say it’s a perfect world. You have your own prime time show on E! or you’re on Extra or something. Your closet is lined with Louis pumps and D&G dresses. Besides me and Amber who would you want to share your awesome life with? Name your top three dream guys. Go!”
“Hhhmmm…I don’t know. Let me think. You go first. Say you become the spokesperson for a major brand and you have a whole series of commercials and you never have to go to another audition again. You’re rolling in the dough. All of your basic needs and material wants are satisfied. Who would you share it with?”
“Well I’m glad you asked. I’ve had the biggest crush on someone in the industry and I was hoping you could maybe introduce me.” Jessie’s eyes lit up.
“Oooh! Do tell! Who is it?”
“Trevor Dunaway the lead singer of Alpha Deity. He is so hot and so perfect.”
“Oh, I see you are getting into the hard rock music. I told you it was good stuff.”
“You have never led me astray. I love Alpha Deity’s music. Thanks for recommending them. Trevor has such a strong presence even just on TV. Have you ever done a story on him?”
“No I’ve never interviewed Trevor. He is actually from my home town and I’ve followed his career very closely. You know he’s not just the lead singer of Alpha Deity . He’s also the producer and he owns the label they are on as well and several other record labels. He also founded Rock Hard TV. Trevor is not just hot and talented he also one of the wealthiest men in the music industry.”
“Wow I’m impressed!”
Do you think he’s gay?”
“I’m not sure. I never see him linked to any women.”
“Yeah, me neither. If I could I would introduce you to him but I don’t know him personally. If you end up meeting him we’re going to have to share him because he is definitely on my list.”
“No way. I want Trevor Dunaway to myself…if he’s gay. But if he’s straight he’s all yours as long as I get to be in the wedding.”
“Deal. I’ll have to do some investigating.”
“Who else is on your list? No limits even if they are taken.”
“Okay, besides Trevor. There is one music industry guy and one movie industry guy that I would just die to be with.
“Oooh! Who? Who?” Jessie prodded.
I am so in love with Christoff Diemacht Hartmann the lead singer of Aus Deutschland. Ooooh! He is so sexy and masculine. His tall and chiseled body…his baritone voice and his European accent.” I dramatically clutched my chest with both hands.”If I had a chance with him I’d be the happiest girl in the world! But he only dates the most beautiful and successful actresses and models. And he is playboy anyway. I don’t think he’s husband material. But in a perfect world he’d be one of my top picks.”
“Aus Deutschland isn’t that big in the US it should be pretty easy to at least get an interview with them.”
“I would love to get an interview with them but they are rarely ever in the States. And if I want to make a name for myself I have to cover people who are more mainstream. I don’t think the hard rock scene is my claim to fame even though rockstars are drop dead sexy. I think my ticket in is sticking with the movie stars and the pop stars.”
“I don’t know Gia. The pop stars and the Hollywood heartthrobs may make you famous but I don’t know if those pretty boys can handle a woman like you. The rockstars seem more like real men. You may want to try your chances on that scene.”
“I don’t know. We’ll see. There is this movie star that I’m kind of crazy about but you can’t tell anyone. I am swearing you to absolute secrecy.”
“My lips are sealed.” Jessie pulled an imaginary zipper over his lips.
“Okay, I’m trusting you. I totally have this thing for Eric Gadouas and he has really been pursuing me…but he’s kind of taken.”
“Ooooh! scandalous!”
“Yes, I know. I try to avoid drama at all costs but this time it has come to my doorstep.”
“Eric Gadouas is beautiful though. You two would make a gorgeous couple. But isn’t he engaged to Chastity Donovan? No wait. I swear I heard they broke up. I don’t know. If I were you I would go for it.”
“He is gorgeous and charming and talented and perfect. And he seems as into me as I am into him. He says that he and Chastity have an arrangement that they are both single and that they just report to the public that they are still together because it’s better for both of their careers. The media loves their relationship. But he says it’s all just a charade.”
“If you think he’s single and he wants you then what’s holding you back? This is Eric Gadouas we’re talking about. I haven’t seen a face that pretty since fashion week.” Jessie laughed.
“He is flawless isn’t he?” My voice drifted off as I got lost in the memory of Eric’s sparkly blue eyes and full flushed lips. I shook my head back and forth to clear my thoughts. “Jessie, I’m so torn. I’m trying to get serious about life, especially my career. I can’t just lose my shit every time some hot guy looks my way. Giving in has certainly never gotten me anywhere in the past.”
“Gia, you can’t stay stuck in the past. I know some of the industry guys have hurt your feelings but you have to move forward. I am no relationship expert so I can’t really advise you on what to do. But I will tell you to follow your heart. I’m all for you being dedicated to your career but I guarantee you even if you do stay on the straight and narrow and you make it to the top you won’t be happy if you don’t have anyone to share it with.”
Jessie’s words hit me in the pit of my stomach. “Yeah, Jessie. I know. You’re probably right. You’re always right.” I rolled my eyes.
“You’re learning.” Jessie smiled and put his arm around me as we stopped in front of the display window at Tiffany & Co. I pressed my nose to the glass.
“Oooohhh! Diamonds. I’d trade everything for some diamonds. The shoes, the handbags, the dresses, Rodeo can keep them. I want diamonds. Diamonds are forever.” I stared longingly through the display window.
“One day Gia, you will have it all. You’ll be wearing your magic Louis Vuitton slippers while walking down Rodeo and some prince charming is going to sweep you off your feet and buy you more diamonds than you even know what to do with.”
“Yes, in my dreams Jessie. Some amazing guy is going to fall in love with my sparkly pink slippers and whisk me away to a magic fairy tale land made of diamonds.” I giggled at my girlish fantasy and Jessie’s optimism.
“I’m serious. It will happen if you let it. You just can’t get so wrapped up in the industry. You’re so beautiful and sweet Gia. A diamond would be lucky to sit on your pretty little finger. You just have to find a guy who sees in you what I see in you.”
“And if I don’t, will you marry me Jessie?”
“You bet I will!” Jessie embraced me and spun me around.
“Jessie, I’m going to buy you so many diamonds. You’re going to have more bling than even the hottest rapper.” Jessie and I laughed together.
“Well I’m not going to be able to buy anybody anything if I don’t land another gig soon. I hate to leave you princess but I have to run to a big audition. I’m trying to get in an Axe commercial.”
“Nice! I know you’re going to nail it. Once they see your sexy biceps and your striking smile you are going to blow the competition out of the water.”
“I love you Gia.”
“I love you too Jessie.” We embraced and parted ways.
I wandered down the street peering into boutique windows. When I got to the Armani store a tall athletic blond in a charcoal suit caught my eye through the window. Holy shit! Eric Gadouas! My mind raced with a million thoughts. Did he see me? Do I look okay? I started to turn around and walk in the opposite direction when I saw him see me. I was like a deer caught in the head lights. I was completely paralyzed. I struggled for air and I felt my face flush. Moments later Eric emerged from Armani carrying a garment bag.
“Giavanna! You looked like you were about to run away. I’m glad I caught you.”
“I was just on my way home.” I stammered.
“Look I won’t keep you long but I’ve been wanting to tell you I came up with an idea that will help both of us. I was going to call you again but I
didn’t want to be a stalker. I’ve already had more than enough of you saying no to me.” Eric smiled. “But since I bumped into you I figured it must be meant for me to tell you my idea.”
“Okay! You have me really interested.. I hope this is good.” I couldn’t help but smile.
“As you may or may not know I’ve been doing charity work overseas and I think it would make a good story. We’re going to be donating a percentage of opening night ticket proceeds for our new movie Falling for You to fund our charitable projects. We are building elementary schools in third world Africa and Asia. If you break the story right before the premier it would help us help more kids overseas and it would be an easy story for you.”
“Hhmm, you may finally be speaking my language. When do you want to set up an interview?” My heart skipped a beat as I realized that Eric was back in my life even if only on a professional level.
Eric looked at his watch. “I could actually do it right now if you’re free. I don’t want to make you jump through the hoops of scheduling with my publicist when we are both right here right now.”
I rustled through my bag to see if I had my digital recorder. It was my lucky day. I not only had my recorder but I also had a pen and notepad. I mentally patted myself on the back for always being prepared.
“Alright, let’s do it. You pick the place.” I was grateful to be in my own territory. I always felt in control when I was doing interviews.
“I live in Beverly Hills not too far from here. I could drive us to my place.” My stomach was doing somersaults at the thought of going home with Eric Gadouas. My mind raced with salacious fantasies. I took a deep breath as I mentally reminded myself not to get lured off the path.
“Umm, I’d rather do you in public. It…I’d rather do it in public. I cringed. “Er..um the interview. I’d rather do the interview in public.” I could not have possibly been any more awkward. I totally wanted to disappear. My eyes watered with embarrassment.
“I know what you meant.” Eric chuckled. “ I know of a French café in walking distance that has awesome wine.”
BWWM: Bad Boy Billionaires Box Set (A Bad Boy BWWM Billionaire Collection) Page 61
