He sucked in a breath. Words failed him. His brain went numb with…shock. She couldn’t be serious. Him, loveable? Him, a good person? She was either delusional or…
“You’re just saying that.” He ignored the last part of what she said, not wanting to believe it. Not wanting to admit he was the one who was hiding. He’d been hiding for a long time.
She grabbed both his hands in hers. “I’m not the actor,” she murmured, looking into his eyes. “I don’t say things I don’t mean. I can’t pretend like you do. But I’m not judging you for it,” she added quickly. “You did what you had to do to survive. And you still came out of it a good person. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll be on the road to healing. And the sooner you’ll learn how to be happy.”
He choked out a bitter laugh. “Happy? I don’t think I know what that word means.” What would she say if he confessed he was still fighting the monster who was his father? That he would never be free of the man?
“Then think about it for a moment. What would make you happy, Sebastian? Truly happy?”
He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. “Being free.” He opened his eyes. “Being free of my father, and of the pain, the demons, the guilt, the past. And…” he hesitated. “And having someone want me for me.” Heat crept into his cheeks at the last admission, but it was true. He’d been alone and lonely for too long. He craved love and happiness just like everyone else. He’d just never believed he deserved love or happiness. Saying—even thinking—the “L” word wasn’t something he did often. He wasn’t sure if he even believed in love. Though he wanted to.
Now, Emily gave him hope.
“Then let’s work toward that goal,” she whispered, smiling up at him. “Freedom, happiness and love.”
“It’s not that simple.” He turned away from her in frustration. “I’ll never be free of him. Never. Not until he’s dead.”
She stepped in front of him, forcing him to look at her. “What do you mean? Free of your father?”
“Yeah.”
“Explain, please.” She held his gaze. “Where is he? Does he know you’re an actor?”
“Of course he knows. When I left Alabama, I swore I’d do something big, something to make him proud, something to make him see I was better than him, that I wasn’t a drunk or a criminal like he was. I even trained the hillbilly dialects out of my speech so I didn’t sound like an uneducated backwoods redneck.”
She squeezed his hand. “You’re ashamed of your upbringing?”
He snorted. “Fuck yeah. I wanted no connection to him at all. I didn’t want anyone to know I was related to that bastard.”
Her gaze filled with compassion. “There’s nothing wrong with being a redneck. I’m a bit of a redneck myself. I grew up in the woods, a long ways from town.” She smiled at him. “So…what happened?”
He shrugged. “Nothing for a lot of years. I changed my name after I left, so even if he was searching for me, he would have been searching for the wrong person.”
“What was your birth name?”
He looked away. Sighed. “Travis Wade. Travis Sebastian Wade. Named after my father. My mother used to call me Sebastian so my father and I wouldn’t get confused about who she was talking to. When I changed my name, I decided to use my middle name as my first name and then chose a new last name.”
A moment of silence stretched. “So how did you get into contact with your father again?”
Sebastian rubbed a hand over his face. “I didn’t. He contacted me. I managed to hide from him for eleven years, though I wasn’t exactly hiding. I wanted him to see I’d become something better than he was. I figured he couldn’t touch me anymore, that I was free of him.” He groaned. “I should have known better. I was actually surprised he didn’t figure out who I was sooner, since we look so much alike, and my face was plastered all over the media from my movies, but he isn’t exactly a movie kind of guy. For awhile I thought maybe he was dead. I hoped he was dead. Then, three years ago, a few weeks after I was released from prison, he sent me a letter.” He jerked his gaze away from hers, afraid to see her reaction to what he was about to say.
“What did it say?”
“That no matter how high I climbed or how big I got, I was still his son, still a piece of shit.”
Her eyes narrowed. “That asshole.”
“He was right.” Sebastian glanced down at her. “No matter how far away I ran, no matter how big I got or how much money I had, I was still his son. I can’t escape that fact no matter how hard I try.”
She searched his gaze. “There’s more, isn’t there?”
Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block her out, trying to make it all go away. “Yes. He’s been blackmailing me. And I’ve been letting him to ensure his silence.” Which wasn’t entirely true. It was much more than that. If she knew how his father was blackmailing him, and what Sebastian was doing to appease his father, she would be shocked.
Her eyes widened. “Ensure his silence about what?”
He hesitated. He’d already told a partial truth. He may as well string her along. She would never know.
Yeah, right.
Emily was too astute. It wouldn’t be easy to fool her.
Still, he hesitated. Then decided to go with another partial truth. “About the fact that he’s my father. I don’t want anyone to know I’m related to such a monster. Would you?”
She stared up at him, her gaze searching his. Did she believe him? Even though he was an actor, he found he couldn’t look Emily in the eye while telling only a partial truth. He turned away.
“Sebastian. I think it’s time you stop letting him control you.”
He turned back to her, forced himself to meet her gaze. The look in her eyes dared him to disagree.
She squeezed his hand. “If you want to be free of your father, then it’s time you fight back.”
What the hell did she think he’d been doing, hiding behind a rock? He had been fighting, and look where it had gotten him.
He let out a snarl. “I tried that. It didn’t work. You don’t know my father like I do. The man’s brutal. He never gives up. I can’t win the war, Emily.”
Fuck, he shouldn’t have told her anything.
Sebastian snatched the baseball cap from the chair and stuffed it on his head. “I’m going out. Get some sleep. We’ll leave first thing in the morning.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“Sebastian.” Emily grabbed his arm as he turned toward the door. “You have to stop running. You have to stop letting him control you. If you don’t stop running from him, you’ll never be free of him.”
Sebastian yanked his arm from her grasp. “Easier said than done. Like I said, you don’t know him like I do. I’ll be back by morning.”
He pulled the door open and strode out without another word, slamming it behind him.
Emily turned away from the door with a sigh. Sebastian’s father had been terrorizing him for so long, it was all Sebastian knew. He needed to learn to stand up to the man. To fight back. And she was going to help him.
He’d finally talked to her, finally set some of his demons free. He had a long ways to go yet. The road to healing wasn’t an easy one. But if she could do it, so could he. And he’d taken his first step in the right direction.
She wouldn’t abandon him now. She would stick by him and help him get through this. Wherever he’d gone just now, whatever he was planning at that moment, couldn’t be good. Getting drunk or high wouldn’t help him. He’d come too far to relapse now. Emily feared that was what he was about to do: get wasted. She had to stop him. He needed her to help keep him on the right track. To continue down the road of healing.
She had to save Sebastian from himself.
Emily yanked open the hotel room door and rushed out after him.
When she reached the hotel parking lot a few minutes later, she arrived just in time to see Sebastian racing away on his motorcycle. She had a feeling he was heading to a bar
to get drunk. She hurried back inside the hotel and asked the clerk where the closest bar was.
“The only bar open this late is the Turf Club,” the woman informed her. “It’s on Front Street, about two miles back down the 101.”
Two miles? Emily didn’t dare walk that far in a strange town after dark. “Will you call me a cab?”
“Sure.”
Emily waited while the clerk called a cab for her. Then she paced around the lobby until the cab arrived about twenty minutes later. She asked the driver to take her to the Turf Club. Was that where Sebastian had gone? If he’d gone somewhere else, she doubted she would be able to find him, because she had no idea where else to look.
When the cab pulled into the parking lot of the small bar a few minutes later, Emily was relieved to see Sebastian’s motorcycle parked near the front. She paid the driver and headed inside.
The bar was small but not crowded. She spied a few patrons seated on stools at the counter and a couple others scattered at tables around the room. A woman with long dark hair was singing a Shania Twain song on the Karaoke machine on a small stage, swinging her hips with the music, and, in Emily’s opinion, making a complete fool out of herself. The woman had obviously had one too many drinks.
Emily let her gaze jog around the room, searching for Sebastian. She finally spied him alone at a table in a corner near the far wall. The baseball cap was pulled low over his face hiding his eyes and nose from her view. A drink sat on the table in front of him. It looked about half empty. Her heart sank. She was too late. She had no idea how much he’d drunk before she’d arrived. He’d had a good twenty or thirty minutes’ head start before she’d gotten here. That could be his first drink. Or he could have already downed a couple and be well on his way to inebriation.
Emily headed toward his table, pausing before him.
“I see you found me, Emily. What are you doing here?” His voice floated over her, rich and smooth, his lilting accent affecting her in a way that made her skin heat. He’d said he’d trained the hillbilly dialects out of his speech, but he still had distinct lilts and drawls that she found incredibly sexy.
God, he could seduce a woman with nothing more than his voice.
He tilted his head back so she could see his eyes beneath the bill of the cap. Unable to decipher the look in his eyes, she glanced down at the drink in front of him. Up close, she could see the drink didn’t appear to be alcoholic. It looked more like a soda. A Coke? A Pepsi? Or maybe it was a rum and Coke.
Her cheeks heated. “I was worried about you. Can I sit?”
He motioned to the empty chair across from his. She slid into the chair, then forced herself to look at him again.
He rested his arms on the tabletop and eyed her from beneath the bill of the cap. “Checking up on me? Afraid I’m gonna get wasted?”
She flicked her gaze to the drink on the table, then back to his. “Is that a soda?’
“Straight Coke.” He held her gaze. “No alcohol.”
Heat crept into her cheeks. She’d thought—crap!—that he’d gone here to get drunk. But he obviously hadn’t.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have assumed.”
His lips twitched, but it wasn’t with amusement, more like mockery. Or self-deprecation.
“You assumed correctly. I did come here to get wasted. But then I thought of you and how disappointed you’d be in me if I ordered a drink.” He lowered his gaze. “Because I knew if I ordered one, I’d order another and another, and soon my life would be spiraling out of control again.”
He lifted his gaze back to hers. “Thank you for caring about me, Emily. You’re one of the few people who does.” The look in his eyes was sincere, filled with gratitude. “I think your goodness is starting to wear off on me. As soon as I thought of you, the urge to drink slipped away. Instead I thought of…” His voice trailed off. He glanced down at the tabletop.
“What?” She leaned across the table toward him. “What did you think of?”
He let out a soft snort, his gaze darting back to hers. “You sure you want to know?”
Wariness crept under her skin. Did she want to know? Of course she did. When it came to Sebastian, she wanted to know everything.
“Yes.”
Heat flared in his eyes. It was so subtle she wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t been looking directly into his eyes.
“I thought about kissing you, touching you, tasting you everywhere.” His gaze held hers. “Making love to you.” He paused, his gaze sliding down to her mouth, then slowly crawling back to hers. “I’ve never wanted to make love to a woman before, Emily. It’s never been anything more than sex for me. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am and I’m gone. But now…” He trailed off, his gaze intensifying on hers.
Emily’s breath caught. Her heart pounded harder, faster. She couldn’t look away. Was he telling the truth?
“You don’t have any idea what you do to me, do you, Emily?”
She swallowed hard, unable to speak. Her skin tingled, from the top of her scalp clear to the tips of her toes.
“I thought I had you pegged from the start, but you’re nothing like I expected you to be. You’re so much…more.” He let out a soft laugh. “You screwed up my plan, Emily. Now I don’t know what to do.”
“W-what plan?”
He reached for the Coke, his lips closing around the straw. Emily stared as he swallowed, pushed the drink aside.
“I guess now’s as good a time as any to come clean with you.” His gaze darted back to hers.
What was he talking about?
“Come clean about what?”
He rubbed a hand over his face, knocking the cap aside. He straightened the cap, pulling the bill low over his face again so Emily couldn’t see his eyes.
She waited, watching his face, wishing she could see his eyes.
He shoved the bill back, his gaze locking on hers. “I lured you to Coeur d’Alene for a reason. It was purely selfish. I didn’t care if I hurt you. I just wanted…to get better. To be whole. I came up with a plan to use you to help me fight off the demons, to help me heal.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I heard somewhere that if you surround yourself by people you admire and want to be like, that you can start to be like them. I figured your goodness would wear off on me, that I would slowly become good like you, that my demons, my past, would slip away, and I would finally be free. I failed to take into consideration the fact you’re a human being, a person with her own will, her own thoughts and ideas. Or that I might be so damned attracted to you.”
He removed the cap, raked a hand through his hair, and stuffed the hat back on his head.
Emily forced the air out of her lungs, then drew in a deep, ragged breath. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’ve been using you, Emily. Hoping your goodness would help heal me.” He lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry. It was wrong. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You’re too good for me. I’m unworthy of even being in your presence. That’s why I left the hotel in such a rush. I had to get away from you. You got me to talk, you forced the truth out of me, and now I’ve corrupted you with my vileness. I had to get out of there before I ruined you.”
Stunned, Emily sat there absorbing his words, staring down at the tabletop. How had he found her to lure her in?
“How did you…find me? I mean, where, how, did you know who I was?”
His gaze slid back to hers. “You followed me on Twitter.”
“What? You actually pay attention to your followers?”
“Not usually, but something about you drew me in. I clicked on your profile and read some of your tweets. And I…was hooked. I had to meet you. I had to see if you were as good in person as you seemed over the internet. So I followed you with Scar Animal Rescue. The rest, I’m sure you can figure out.”
He’d tricked her. Shock spiraled through her. That’s why he hadn’t wanted her to know he was the one who owned Scar Animal Rescue.
; “Did you ever have any intention of hiring me permanently at the animal rescue? Or was that all a lie?”
He sighed. “I planned to keep you around as long as it took to see if my experiment worked. After that, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.”
Hurt slithered into her chest, tightening around her heart. Her throat constricted, squeezing shut with the pain of his betrayal, forcing off her air. She gasped. Her eyes filled with tears.
“I trusted you, Sebastian.” She swallowed, forcing the huge lump from her throat.
He lowered his gaze, his face scrunching with pain. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, Emily.”
She stared at him, at the true remorse on his face. He was hurting. So much. He was ashamed of his actions. And he’d just come clean about the real reason he’d hired her.
He believed her “goodness” would help him heal. It sounded crazy. But she could see he truly believed that. It humbled her that he had that much faith in her. That he truly believed she could help him.
The pain slowly slid away, the tightness disappearing from her chest. She wasn’t angry, though she was still hurt by what he’d done. She forgave him. Because that was just her nature. Sebastian hadn’t meant to hurt her. He’d only been trying to save himself.
If anything, she decided she was happy she was able to help him, even if only just a little. Sebastian’s original plan may have been to use her, but she didn’t feel used, because, despite what he may think, he hadn’t really used her. She felt betrayed, lied to, but not used. The fact that he believed he was such a horrible person made her heart ache. Why couldn’t he see how good he was? She would not abandon him, no matter how much he hurt her, no matter what happened between them. He needed a friend. Someone who truly cared about him. Someone who loved him for who he was.
Scarred (Unlikely Heroes Book 5) Page 14
