"I want us to continue as we were," she said. "Blank slate, like you said. Until the children are born at least...Jahin, I just want to be with you. I haven't felt good, and I haven't felt safe since I was last in your arms."
The last came out in a rush, and though there was definitely a pleading note in her voice, she couldn't bring herself to pull back from that vulnerability. She wanted to protect her children more than anything in the world, but she also needed Jahin.
She tried to hide her naked need for him by looking down, but he reached across to tilt her chin up with a single finger.
"In my anger, I could not hear you," he said cryptically. "And when I let my anger go, you are as clear as sunlight, as a fresh mountain stream."
"I don't know what that means," Bedelia said, feeling somehow as if she were on the brink of tears.
He smiled at her ruefully. "It means, in my own foolish way, that I should be beaten for how stubborn I can be. No tears now, beautiful one. Let's...let's simply be as we wish to be. We will feel what we want to feel, laugh as we wish to laugh, and for now, just be together."
She looked up at him hopefully, and when he nodded, she came forward to throw herself into his arms. She had thought she would weep, but instead, she simply rested against him and shook. This was what she had been craving. This was what she had needed, and now that she had it back, everything felt too bright, too real.
"I want to be a part of things," he said, almost too quietly for her to hear. "When you go to the doctor, I want to go with you. I want to show you even more of my land, and I want to make sure that you see what your children are inheriting. Will you allow me that?"
"Yes," she murmured without looking up. "I trust you."
She hadn't intended to say the word “trust,” not really. There was another word that sat hot and longing on her tongue, but this wasn't the right time to say it.
Sometimes, she thought that she never would.
Chapter Eighteen
It was easier than Bedelia thought it would be.
The last few days, so bright and hot and vivid with anger and frustration, were etched indelibly on both their minds, her flight and his fury. However, once they both decided to look away from those moments, they found each other much as they had been before.
After a spate of incredibly busy days working with his ministers and law keepers, Jahin declared himself free from work for at least a little while, and their adventures began again. Bedelia noticed that their new adventures were a little quieter than they had been before, but they were still fascinating lessons in the country that would belong to her children and they to it.
One day, he took her out into the desert after making sure from the doctor that she was strong enough for it. Bedelia would have said that she was of course strong enough for a ride into the desert, but at this point, she found that it was best to simply listen to Jahin. He was far more nervous about her pregnancy than she was, and sometimes, unbidden, he would lay his hand over her belly, frowning with concern.
In the desert, they were met by a man with several birds hooded and in cages on his truck. At a word from Jahin, he showed her how each hunted, how they could strike down a rabbit from on high. She marveled at the fierceness of the golden eagle, the speed of the peregrine and aloof grace of the gray hawk.
"I cannot fly these birds," Jahin said with wistful reluctance. "They will only fly for the man who raised them, who rewards them. It has been many years since I have had the time to pursue falconry, but once upon a time, it was the birthright of all the sheikh's sons."
"Will you teach our children?" she asked, looking after the flight of the enormous golden eagle. It moved slowly, or at least that was the way that it looked from the ground, but when it struck, it was as if there was nothing in the world that could even dream of stopping it.
"What?"
"I would like very much to have you teach falconry to our children, whether they are boys or girls," she said, watching the golden eagle. "I wouldn't like it very much if the boys were favored and the girls left out."
When she turned towards him, he was looking at her thoughtfully, as if she had presented him with something that he hadn't considered before.
"I would," he said at last. "I am not sure it occurred to me that a girl might be interested in falconry--"
"I am," she pointed out.
"--and you are quite right. Very well. Our sons and daughters shall be falconers.”
She turned to him with a slight smile, and the answering smile on his face was slow but lovely.
"You have thought a great deal about what you want for our children," he said on the drive back to the city.
Bedelia rested against his side, drinking in the cool air of his powerful car.
She gave him a slightly amused look. "Of course I have. I think it comes from realizing that for at least a little while, you are completely and utterly responsible for three small lives, ones that eat as you eat, drink as you drink."
"I am the sheikh of Muneazil," he said slowly. "I think of its benefit all the time. I try to think about what is going to be best for it, and I think of how I could improve it. I...I do not know how to turn that into a concern for three children."
He looked so abashed that she couldn't resist. She scooted close and dropped a kiss on his cheek, startling him slightly, she could tell.
"You have to admit that I have a little bit of a head start," she pointed out. "I'm the one who has them inside me, and believe me when I say that that took a little bit of getting used to. You are sort of just feeling your way along this. You have never been a father before."
He laughed a little, a harsh sound that made her blink.
"I have had the responsibility for Muneazil placed on me since I was a young boy," he said, and she wondered at the slight bitterness in his tone. "Every day, I was made aware of the fact that someday the fates of all of the citizens in the country would rely on me as I led them into war or peace."
Bedelia shivered a little at that. She could imagine Jahin as a young boy, so serious with those bright eyes. Had he ever had a proper moment of childhood, where he could be as free and wild as children should be? Had he been allowed? Something about the picture of this man as a young boy weighed down with the issues of a nation broke her heart.
"Is that what you want for your children?" she asked softly.
She rested her hand on his thigh, feeling the way the muscle there tensed and relaxed. The miles of desert rolled out under the car's wheels as he considered her question.
"I do not know," he said at last. "It is true, the pressures of being the sheikh, they are not light, but...they were not as overwhelming as my father made them sound. He trained me well, as did the teachers he found for me. When he died, I was ready, and had been doing some of the duties for quite some time..."
Bedelia let him chew over the issue for a short while, turning it over and over in his head. She knew the conclusion that he would get to, but it was important that he come to it himself.
When he slowly shook his head, it felt like a victory of sorts, warmth deep within her that pulled him in, pulled them closer.
"I don't think so," he said finally. "I want my children to grow up responsible about the world and about their place within it. I would certainly not allow them to be ignorant of what privilege they had, and I would want them to do all the good that they could do...but no, I do not think I would want them to be...to be as weighed down as I was."
"Good," she said softly, and he glanced at her.
"You sound relieved."
"You turned out to be a great ruler and a good man," she said with a shrug. "Sometimes, though...I wonder if there was a way to be gentler with you and still have you turn out like this."
They were quiet for some time after that, but she could tell he was thinking of what she had said.
Sometimes, Bedelia wondered how close they were to other couples, how other couples might talk about how their children should be br
ought up. The issue, of course, was that they were so far from normal, so far off the beaten path that she had no idea what normal looked like.
All they could do, she decided, was their best, and in that way, they were probably much like the people all over the world.
While they were sorting out the fact that they were going to be parents, they were also relearning each other. Their touches were light and shy, almost tentative.
They weren't shy, or even scared, but Bedelia thought that they felt new to one another, wary of dark places that might suddenly leap up and trap them, catch them unawares.
It wasn't easy to be careful with the fire that was banked between them. The first few nights, they simply slept in each others’ arms, chaste except for a few gentle kisses and touches. When Jahin had only folded her into his embrace to sleep, she had been a little disappointed, but there was a certain relief there as well. There had been so many emotions running so very hard and hot that they felt strangely tender with one another.
On the night after they had seen the falcons flying, however, she could feel his gaze on her as she came out of the bathroom, her hair still damp from her shower.
He was stripped down to a light pair of linen trousers and a thin tunic. They were a bright white, offering a startling contrast between the crisp cloth and his bronzed skin. She wasn't sure she had ever seen him look so handsome, with his eyes fixed on her and his mouth slightly open.
"What is it?" she asked, blushing slightly. She clasped the edges of the silk robe around her a little more tightly. It was strange. Before, he had known every bit of her body, every moan and every sound she made, but somehow she was shy now.
"I suppose I am thinking of how beautiful you are," he said, never taking his eyes off of her. She thought that if he were really a dragon, he would have been licking his lips.
"You're joking," she said, shaking her head. "You know, I can feel how the pregnancy's changing me. I feel slow and tired, and I know I'm getting bigger. It feels like I am getting bigger every darned day..."
"Do you think that matters to me?" he retorted, taking a few steps towards her. "Do you think that alters your beauty or that it takes away from how important you are to me?"
His words were hypnotic. That had to be it, because she was so mesmerized by them that she didn't even sense him getting closer to her until he was almost touching her. Still, he maintained a distance between them, only reaching out a single finger to feather it down along her cheek. With a slight sigh, she leaned into him, craving his warmth.
"I have never understood why you do not understand your appeal," he said quietly. "You always seem so surprised when I tell you how much I want you, how much I desire you. Surely it is not because I am reticent about my desires. I have shown you over and over again how much I crave you. I have shown you in so many ways..."
"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I suppose the world doesn't tell me that pregnant women can be so beautiful, or that plain girls with brown hair can be so desirable."
He snorted, bringing his face down next to hers. She could feel the bare scrape of the slight stubble on his cheek next to hers. She could feel the warmth of his breath against her ear. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe, and she wanted more than anything to loop her arms around his neck, bring him even closer. Even now, though, she held herself still. The anticipation made her nerves dance, something that was so close to pleasure that she could have moaned.
"The world is wrong, and in so many ways, I suppose it will continue to be wrong. What I see before me is a beautiful woman, one that I have wanted far more than I have ever wanted any other woman. Now, though, I cannot tell if she wants me."
Bedelia's eyes had drifted closed, but at his words, they flew open.
"What do you mean?" she gasped. "Can't you... I mean... I must want you! So very much!"
He raised an eyebrow at her, a slight quirk of humor on his lips. She knew he was teasing her, but there was something dead serious there, something that tugged at her like a dark tide.
"Do you?" he asked softly. "I do not know that, not when you do not touch me, you do not reach for me..."
She knew he was teasing her, but there was something so soft about his voice, so gentle and so oddly wistful, that she couldn't help but reach for him with a cry. She threw her arms around him just as she had been thinking of doing for god knew how long, and she dragged him down for a deep and drugging kiss. The moment his lips touched hers, she could feel something inside her go up in flames. She had wanted him for so long, and now nothing else seemed to matter.
“How could you think I don't want you?” she murmured softly. “I want you more than I want to breathe.”
She heard him let out a breath, and his arms went around her, gathering her up tight in an embrace that felt like what she had wanted for her entire life.
“I want you to understand,” he murmured, “that is exactly the way that I feel about you.”
She started to answer him, but then his mouth was sealed over hers, and his tongue was probing deep, making her feel as if her body was freefalling, tumbling through the sky without any fear because Jahin would always catch her.
"You don't know how much I have missed you," he whispered. "You have no idea how much I have wanted you, how I would wake up at night without understanding why you weren't here..."
She had to clear her throat twice before she could speak. "I'm here now. Do what you want with me."
Bedelia could feel the tremor go through him. It was as if she had waved a red flag in front of a bull, and for a moment, she thought he was simply going to throw her down to the ground and ravish her right then and there. They had done that before, made love so hard that it left them both breathless and bruised, but now he caught himself.
"Jahin?" Bedelia murmured. "Please, I am not fragile, I promise..."
He chuckled a little, and she could hear the stress and the strain in it. She thought that she would never doubt how much he wanted her again; he sounded as if he would die if he could not have her.
"I know you are not, beloved," he said. "Only...will you let me have my way tonight? I know it has not truly been so very long, but..."
"Yes," she said instantly. "I know that I want you, and that is all that matters."
As a reward for her words, he kissed her deeply again, this time lifting her up in his arms as he did so. He carried her to the bed as if she weighed nothing, and then he laid her tenderly on the mattress as if she were some kind of precious treasure that he did not want to break.
"I have not been able to see you for what feels like such a long time. I'm going to look at you now."
Bedelia whimpered with heat and embarrassment as he opened the folds of her robe. He worked delicately, barely doing more than grazing her soft skin. He pulled the edges of the silk aside to leave her exposed, her breasts, her belly, her legs all pale and soft on display.
Her first instinct was to cover herself, but when she saw the hunger in Jahin's eyes, she couldn't do it. She could see the pleasure that he took in looking at her, and she wouldn't take that away.
As he gazed upon her, something strange happened in Bedelia's mind. Her entire life, she had been troubled by whispers about her body, voices in the back of her head that told her she wasn't good enough, that she was too this or too that, far from beautiful, far too plain. However, as Jahin's hot gaze raked over her, she could start to see herself the way he did. She saw the lovely fairness of her skin, the delicious way her dark nipples crinkled under his gaze. She could see how her body was perfectly shaped for the children she carried and how cleverly and completely it could give herself to her lover.
"You are like a present for the unwrapping," Jahin said, as if he could read her thoughts. "Like a holy gift I have been given charge of."
"And what are you going to do with me?" Bedelia found herself whispering. Her throat felt as dry as the desert; every part of her quivered with excitement.
"I am going to take care of you," he said
with a wicked grin, and he stripped out of his own clothes.
When he came to rest on the bed with her, his naked skin was a revelation. The moment it brushed against her own, she lost control. All she wanted to do was to push against him, to crowd him, to demand more and more. There was something perfect about the way her body fit against his, and she refused to pull away from how amazing it felt.
Gently, he pushed her to her back, laughing a little when she mewled with frustration.
"Softly, love," he said. "I want to truly see you after all this time."
Gulping a little, she subsided, and then, true to his word, he inspected her. He ran his fingers through her hair, spreading the gleaming strands around her shoulder, he kissed every inch of her sensitive throat and nibbled at her ears. He touched and kissed every part of her he could reach until she was squirming with desire.
However, no matter how much she squirmed, no matter how much she panted and whimpered, he avoided the very heart of her heat. She needed his touch there so badly, but whenever he ventured up close to the tops of her thighs, he backed away before he could give her what she needed.
The third time he did this, Bedelia nearly wailed with frustration, her hands flailing at his shoulders. Her eyes were wide and wild, and when he knelt over her, she looked at him beseechingly.
"What is it, darling?" he taunted. "What is it that you want?"
"I want... I want you," she said, staring up at him. She knew that she was panting, that her hips were moving without her direction. She was like a wild thing, and none of it mattered in the least as long as she could have what she needed.
"Do you? Tell me more about that."
"Please...you know what I need!"
"Maybe I do," he teased her. "Maybe, however, I need to be told. I would hate to get it wrong, after all, you know?"
"Damn you," she yowled, and he laughed.
"Now that is not a very kind thing to say. Why don't you tell me what it is you want, hmm, darling girl? What is it that would please my beautiful woman?"
Sheikh's Virgin Love-Slave Page 25
