That was the simple truth of it. I didn't want to leave her. If Joss never felt the way I did, I'd probably love her for the rest of my life, even if someone else settled into a corner of my heart that I'd managed to keep free. And I still couldn't imagine leaving her.
"Honey, you have so much life ahead of you. Everything feels big and important and life-changing, every single decision. But the truth is, you've got so many options, things that you'd be happy doing, jobs you'd love, and towns and cities that would feel like home. If you feel stuck right now, like you're not pushing yourself forward, I think that's okay." She reached over the console and patted my hand. "As long as you don't stay there once you realize it."
"Is that your way of telling me to get off my ass and get a job, even if it's not in Washington?"
"Yes."
I smiled, shaking my head a little bit.
"And she'll come around," she continued quietly.
I closed my eyes even though my sunglasses covered them. "You think so? You know how stubborn she is."
"I sure do. That's why she's good for you."
"I don't know, Mom. I think I scare her more than anything else could."
Her smile was soft. "And that's why you're good for her. She needs that. Her momma doesn't push her, never has. Jocelyn has all this fire in her. It's one of the things I love most about that girl, but sometimes she uses it as a weapon rather than a way to burn off the stuff that holds her back."
I was quiet because I didn't know what to say next. It helped that my family knew her so well and loved her all the more for it.
"Well," my mom said quietly as Green Valley came into view, "I hope you hear from them soon about the job."
"Me too." One less unknown in my life would be great.
"And you're home just in time to help set up for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night. Aren't you glad? Sylvia wants lots of twinkle lights strung up in that big oak in her parents' backyard to look like a tent or something. I told her you'd help Connor."
I sighed heavily. "Not even home for three hours and I'm already signed up for forced labor."
The car pulled up to a red light, and she turned to me with a tight smile. Her hand lifted to pat my face, then she smacked a little harder than necessary.
"Ow," I muttered.
"I raised sons with good, helpful attitudes. You remember that, young man. I'm the one making your supper tonight."
"Yes, ma'am."
While I laughed, I still fought the impulse to pull out my phone and text Joss. My desire to want her to know the things I thought were funny, the things that were exciting, and the things I wanted to share with her were unconscious. And I didn't think that would ever go away.
Chapter 20
Jocelyn
Joy, as it turned out, was a closet makeup artist. She spent hours watching YouTube videos and practicing techniques she'd never worn out of the house because she felt it helped her be a better cake decorator. That made sense too because she did shit on some wedding cakes that brought a tear to the eye of even the greatest cynic.
Which was how I ended up with a face full of makeup that somehow didn't look like I had a face full of makeup, but the version of me in the mirror was—in my mind—so much more beautiful than I looked every day.
It was me, but it wasn't.
She did something to my eyes that made the blue bluer and the shape bigger. My cheekbones were highlighted and the perfect shade of peachy shimmery pink. My lashes were thick and black but not spidery or gross. I'd asked for her to leave my lips alone because I felt like a clown when I wore lipstick, so with a grimace, she allowed me to slick on some tinted ChapStick.
It was only because of her secret superhero skills that I felt even remotely prepared to put on the dress that I'd bought weeks ago for Connor and Sylvia's wedding.
The fact that I had a dress in my closet at all was one thing. That it was long made it even stranger. The lines were simple, the color one solid line of bluish purple—summer lavender, the girl at the shop in Maryville told me. With a halter that hooked behind my neck with a thin string, I could show off my arms, clearly my best trait. The daring part, the part that made my tummy flip, was that my back was completely exposed. The dress tied around the back, wrapping around my waist in a way that sitting, or standing, it looked flattering.
"I don't think I can do this," I whispered to Nero before I left the house.
Like an asshole, he didn't answer and simply cocked his head and twitched his ears.
"You're right. I'm being a chicken." My fingers played with the clasp on the small purse I'd borrowed from the back of my mom's closet. It was probably outdated, something she'd used in college, but I'd forked over enough for a dress I'd only wear once, so I was not about to add a purse into my budget too. "It'll be fine. It's not like he'll kick me out or something, right?"
Nero sniffed, shaking his head. I laughed.
"Thanks, bub." I scratched under his chin, which made him groan happily. "Have a good night while I'm gone, okay?" I sighed. "Honestly, I don't know how late I'll be."
That kinda depended on Levi. And my ability not to screw this up.
I took one last look in the mirror over the entryway table and managed one heaving breath to get my lady balls firmly in place.
Wheeling out to my car, I carefully, so very carefully lifted my chair into the back. Walking in a long, flowing dress felt far more terrifying than it should have. Each step was an accomplishment. When I was sitting in the driver's seat, I realized that I'd been holding the air in my lungs for too long because my head felt a little dizzy.
Or maybe that wasn't oxygen deprivation, I thought as I started driving toward Sylvia's parents' house. Maybe it was sheer, hanging-off-a-cliff-face nerves. By going into that wedding alone, I was about to let go. Let my hands fall off the edge and hope to God he'd catch me.
I'd arrived early enough that finding a close parking spot wouldn't be a problem, and off to the side of their three-acre spread, I saw the wedding party posing for the photographer.
Levi was easy to spot as he was a head taller than his brother, wearing dark navy pants, a crisp white shirt, and a fitted gray vest that molded to his broad chest. I couldn't help my smile. I'd missed him this week.
I saw him look in the direction of my car, but from this distance, it was impossible to know whether he'd actually seen me. When the photographer moved them to a different spot, in the back corner of the yard with the tall weeping willow behind them, I took my moment to get out of the car while I wouldn't be a distraction to him.
Normally, a backyard wedding would fall on my list of top ten things I'd dread attending because of simple wheelchair issues, but because I'd snagged a parking spot on concrete, and Sylvia's parents' yard was one long stretch of even, neatly manicured grass, it wasn't as daunting as it could have been.
I stood and exhaled, pulling my skirt down and checking to make sure it wasn't wrapped funny around my ankles or anything before I took my first step to get my chair.
Levi's parents beat me to it. I heard Mr. B clear his throat, and before I could move, I found them both beaming at me. Mrs. B was already wiping underneath her eyes.
"Oh my gosh, you are not crying already," I chastised her.
With a watery laugh, she gathered me in her arms and hugged me tightly. One of my hands was still on the door handle, but I held her with my free arm.
"Sweetheart, you are as pretty as a picture." She stepped back. "Look at you in a dress."
"Right?" I laughed. "It feels as weird as it looks, trust me."
Mr. B was smiling at us. "Nothing weird about it, Joss. You look beautiful," he said in that gruff voice of his. "Let me grab your chair for you."
"Thanks, Mr. B."
Mrs. B rubbed my back and smiled softly at me, her eyes an obvious mixture of sadness and hope. "We've missed you, sweetie. You better not be gone too much longer. House feels empty without you."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "How much
did he tell you?"
Mr. B brought my chair over and locked it for me, before hooking a hand in his wife's elbow. "You're not meddling, are you?"
She sniffed. "I'd never."
He caught my eye and winked. When he bussed a kiss on her cheek, I couldn't help but sigh. In his starched shirt and gray bowtie, his dark gold hair—lightly peppered with gray—and beard freshly trimmed, he looked so handsome. Levi might get his personality from his mom, but his looks were all from his dad.
"You look very dapper today, Mr. B," I told him as I sat in my chair.
He grimaced, tugging on his tie, but his cheeks flushed a soft pink at my compliment. "No one told me I'd have to wear one of these."
Mrs. B clucked her tongue and swatted his hand away. "Leave it alone. I've already had to fix it once."
The look in his eye when he looked at his wife made me melt. No other way to say it. Even after five years of watching them together, the way they loved each other still made me feel gooey. Those were the parents I'd wished for growing up.
"Can we help you find a seat, sweetie?" Mrs. B asked.
I smiled. "No, I'm sure you guys have stuff to do."
She waved that off. "Nonsense. Besides, we need to make sure you're up by the family."
"What?" I shook my head. "No, no, that's okay. I wouldn't want to intrude."
My protests were summarily ignored when she looked at her husband. "Why don't you have Grady move that chair at the end. That way she'll have the best view, and I can have someone next to me to hold my hand when I'm blubbering mess."
Again, he winked at me and went off to do his wife's bidding.
I gave her a flustered look. "I don't think I knew y'all were this stubborn when I first met you."
"We hide it well, sweetie," she answered sagely.
"Do we ever," a dry voice said from behind me.
Mrs. B smiled as I turned and saw Grace, Levi's cousin from California, approaching us. She was a beautiful as I remembered, vaguely reminding me of a lioness in the tilt of her green eyes, the way her hips swung as she walked, and the tawny color of her hair.
"You look lovely, honey," Mrs. B said, giving her niece a peck on the cheek. "I like those boots."
Grace kicked one heel out behind her, and I laughed because the chunky black combat boots might have seemed like an odd choice paired with her flirty red dress, but damn, it worked on her.
She pinned her eyes on me. "Jocelyn, right? We met a few years ago."
I nodded. "Good to see you again, Grace."
Grace threaded her arm through Mrs. B's. "Now tell me, ladies, how is one supposed to conduct themselves at a proper Southern wedding? Because I'll be thoroughly disappointed if I don't have the opportunity to drink moonshine straight from the jug at some point."
Mrs. B laughed. "Oh, I'm sure Levi and your brother will have something for you."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't know. The last time Levi touched moonshine, he puked for three hours straight."
Grace grinned. "What a pansy."
"Oh, you say that now," I said. "Wait till you've been drinking it for two hours, then tell me how you feel."
They both laughed. Grace glanced around the yard with a tiny smile on her face.
"You know, Grady has it in his head we need to move here. He thinks we should 'get in touch with our Southern roots.'"
"I think that would be wonderful," Mrs. B exclaimed. "We'd love to have y'all here. And you already know Joss. She's practically part of the family."
Grace winked at me. "So I've heard."
She had a dimple in the same spot as Levi, and I knew from pictures that her twin brother did as well.
Damn those Buchanan genes.
Mrs. B glanced behind me, her smile growing. "Grace, sweetie, let's go find Memaw."
"Now?"
Mrs. B's eyes turned flinty, and I gave her a strange look. "Yup, right now."
"Okaaaay." Grace shrugged at me and let her aunt lead her away.
I let out a deep breath when they all but disappeared. No one had parked next to me yet, so I turned my chair slightly to the side so I could look at the fairy-tale setup in Sylvia's parents' backyard. Lights were strung from one center point underneath the sprawling oak tree that served as the centerpiece. It was like a tent of lights, swooping out to the side. Chairs were lined up with bales of hay along the sides for extra seating. To the side of where the ceremony would take place were mismatched tables of varying lengths. Some had benches, and some had high backed seats. Jars full of white and pink flowers decorated the different surfaces.
It was perfect.
And staring at it was the only reason I didn't hear him approach until he crouched next to me. When his hand landed on my shoulder, I pinched my eyes shut tight. The skin of his palm was so warm, so rough and familiar that my belly flip-flopped dangerously.
"Hi," he said.
I opened my eyes and turned my head.
He was so close. He wasn't close enough.
"Hi," I said back. "Your mom saw you coming, didn't she?"
His lips lifted in a crooked, unrepentant grin. "I slipped her a twenty as soon as I saw your car pull up to keep you occupied until I was done with pictures."
I tipped my head back and laughed. Any tension I'd been carrying was gone. Poof. Just like that.
"There she is," he said under his breath, almost to himself. If we hadn't been so close, I might not have heard him.
Tentatively, I lifted my hand and cupped the side of his face. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. "Was I gone?" I asked.
Levi opened his eyes when I stroked my thumb along the side of his mouth. He turned and pressed a kiss into my palm. It made my fingers curl up instinctively.
"Not gone," he answered. "Just hiding from sight for a little bit."
I nodded. "Sounds right. I'm sorry it took me so long."
Immediately, he shook his head. "No apologies, okay?"
"Okay."
His eyes zeroed in on my mouth, and he sighed heavily. "I wish we weren't in view of half the damn town right now."
I chuckled. "Patience is a virtue, Levi Buchanan."
"And a virtue never hurt you," we finished together.
He groaned, leaning his forehead forward until it touched mine. "I rue the day my mom told you that one. It was the bane of my existence growing up."
Someone called his name, and he sagged.
"Duty calls," I said.
As he stood, he dropped a soft kiss onto my shoulder. I shivered. His eyes glowed gold when I did.
"You'll sit with me at dinner?" he asked.
I nodded.
"And you'll dance with me after?"
I narrowed my eyes. "We'll see."
Levi grinned, leaning back down so he could whisper in my ear. His lips brushed the edge of my earlobe, and I had to knit my fingers together and clench, like, everything. "You are stunning, by the way. It's like trying to look at the sun."
Even though I rolled my eyes, I felt myself go warm and melty. "You'll have to work on your lines, mister."
He winked as he backed up, then notched two fingers to his temple and gave me a salute as he walked away. "I look forward to it."
The stupid dopey grin on my face didn't disappear as I pushed my chair down the gentle slope of the grass toward the chairs. Levi's parents were waiting at the edge for me, talking to a few people.
Gentle bluegrass music started up in the background, the plucking strains of a banjo and fiddle giving a soft, romantic atmosphere. Mrs. B laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently as I stopped next to her. Yeah, she saw everything, I realized when she dabbed under her eyes again.
"Twenty bucks, huh?" I muttered in her direction. "I would've paid you forty for a heads-up, you know."
She laughed under her breath, leaning down to wrap an arm around my shoulder. "Oh, sweetie, I love you so much."
"Love you too," I said after I swallowed around the emotions gripping my throat with a tight fist.
"I'm going to find my seat, okay?"
The usher, one of Sylvia's cousins, showed me to the freaking front row, and I cursed under my breath when I pulled my wheelchair into the empty spot right on the inside of the aisle, where they'd moved a chair out of the way for me. The seats filled up while the music slipped seamlessly from song to song.
I tipped my head to the side to see who was playing, and I grinned when I realized Cletus was on the banjo. Joy would've had a heart attack if she saw him right now, cleaned to a spit shine and as dressed up as I'd ever seen him. A couple of others joined him. One was definitely his brother, judging by the build and the beard, and their sister, Ashley, sat on a bale of hay next to them, swaying gently to the music with a mic in her lap.
Connor seated both sets of parents, and Mrs. B slid her arm around my shoulder the moment she sat down. The groomsmen filed in behind Connor, and I caught my first glimpse of the elusive oldest Buchanan brother. He was taller than his brothers and had darker hair like their mom but with a more serious face. Where Levi grinned at me as soon as he took his place at the front, Hunter gave me a curious once-over, then scanned the people sitting in the chairs. Grady, Grace's twin, stood on the other side of Hunter, just as handsome as his sister was beautiful.
Seriously, what was in their DNA? It should be bottled and sold on the black market.
"Where's Hunter's wife?" I whispered to Mrs. B.
She sniffed. "Didn't come."
"Oh," I answered knowingly.
"Mm-hmm. Isn't right," she mumbled. "But it is what it is. Today will be beautiful, and that's all that matters."
"It will." I patted her hand.
And it was.
When Ashley and her brother started a sweet, lilting harmony, Cletus providing a soft background on his banjo, the audience stood, as did I. I locked my chair and held hands with Mrs. B as the bride started her journey. Sylvia was radiant on her father's arm as they walked down the flower-lined aisle. Her eyes shone with happy tears, and when I caught sight of Connor's face, I almost lost it completely. He hid nothing. His smile was wide, and when Levi slapped him on the back, he wiped at the tears that spilled over his cheeks.
Baking Me Crazy (Donner Bakery Book 1) Page 17
