“There was another child? A girl? And you wouldn’t have an abortion?”
“It was unthinkable. To me. I don’t condemn others, but for me…so Francis…when the time came, he arranged the adoption. I went away, you see, there was a place outside Inverness, in Scotland, to avoid the scandal, you could go there, a convent…they would have taken the child, too, but Francis insisted…said he knew the right family…then later on, when Miranda came in here, people used to say, you could be sisters, you could be mother and daughter, Jackie Tyrell was never done worrying away at it, giggling away at it, all very sophisticated, as if we were some kind of small-town inbreds, and I asked Francis, was there any possibility…No, he said. Emphatic about it. I had to believe him, I had to. I mean…why would he lie?”
“Who was the child’s father? The child that…you don’t believe was Miranda?”
Regina stared at me, but wouldn’t answer.
“Who was Patrick Hutton’s father?”
She stared harder, but stayed silent. I felt like she was willing me to understand, imploring me to guess it. Her eyes not matching heightened her beauty and gave her a vulnerability that made me think of Karen Tyrell; I told myself I had to keep going, for the child’s sake, though every word I spoke was like a thorn in Regina Tyrell’s flesh.
“Vincent Tyrell told me something about close breeding. He said your brother used to be very interested in it. That it was quite controversial, even with horses. He said By Your Leave, the horse that caused all the trouble for the Tyrell family, was the offspring of two generations of brother and sister pairings.”
Regina Tyrell stared at me, her eyes glistening.
“Vincent Tyrell met Miranda Hart before he hired me. And then he gave me one man’s name—Patrick Hutton—and I’ve found a whole history of secrets to go with it. Who was Miranda Hart’s father? Who was Patrick Hutton’s father?”
Still holding my gaze, she began to shake her head.
“Was F.X. the father, Regina? Was Vincent? You were raped, you were abused by your older brother, no wonder you were ashamed, wanted to keep it a secret, it wasn’t your fault, no one would ever hold it against you—”
“You cannot say such things. You cannot know such things. Think of the children, what nightmares they’ll have if they find out.”
I thought of the title of Martha O’Connor’s documentary: Say Nothing.
“Think of the nightmares they’ll have if they don’t. Think of the nightmares some of them are living, or are destined to live. If Patrick and Miranda are brother and sister…and if Karen is their child…”
Regina Tyrell was beginning to shake, the start of what appeared to be a convulsive tide of grief. She reached for my hand and fell to her knees.
“Maybe the others know the worst already. But Karen’s only nine years old, for pity’s sake.”
“Yes,” I said. “Young enough to survive it. If we’re lucky.”
She bent her head over my hands, as if in prayer, as if I had the power to change the past. But all I had, all we both had in common, was the desperate need to hear the truth, and to understand it. I think Regina had felt that need for a long time. And in that moment, maybe she finally chose to act on it. She stopped herself shaking, and breathed hard and deep, and looked up at me.
“All right,” she said. “All right then. I dreaded this day. But I think I prayed for it too. It was always too much for one soul to bear.”
And then, before she could say another word, the doorknob clicked and the door swung open and the cold relentless wind blew through the room again.
TWENTY-FIVE
Steno didn’t really give a fuck about anyone but Steno. When it came down to it, that was all there was: Number One. The rest was bullshit, and he didn’t mind saying that, although in truth he had learned over the years to never actually say it to anyone but himself, even if it was what everyone believed, deep down. People couldn’t bear the truth, but the truth had never bothered Steno. You didn’t have to be brutal about it, and if you weren’t a fucking savage, you’d avoid that side of things as much as you could: it was messy, and there was a lot of cleaning up afterwards, and broken bones and blood and dead bodies; the whole thing was a bit of a fucking downer. It could get you down—especially if that was all there was to it. Some of the rows he had seen in the bar, over fuck-all, if you broke it up, and Steno always had to, and asked them what it was all about, neither of them could tell you. Waking up the next day with a broken face and for what? That was short term, that was amateur hour, that was no better than a beast in the fields. Because you could brood about the blood, how it would linger in your eye line like the red sparks you see when you close your eyes at night. And sometimes, the eyes of the dead, they’d pin you so they would, you’d wake before dawn with the memory of that last look, the last hope. And to go through that for no reason, for “The fuck are you looking at?”; for “Are you calling me a liar?” No way. Not in this life man.
That’s why, if you were going to get involved on that level, you needed the long view. Fair enough, there’d been times when accidents happened, and you just had to get someone from location A to location B where B was a ditch or a dump or a riverbank: that’s just day-to-day, that’s just business, you can’t shirk when that comes around. But if you were ambitious, and Steno was, the long term made the grief worthwhile.
Not to make too much of himself—Steno hated when people did that, you had to put up with it behind the bar day in day out, stable lads who had “really” trained Gold Cup winners, salesmen who “really” ran the companies they worked for, all the drunks and losers who were going to run marathons and write books and get record deals and act in movies and be models and comedians and every fucking thing, and there they fucking were ten, twenty, thirty years later, fatter and redder and still in the fucking pub.
The usual? The usual.
Steno was happy to admit it had all been a happy accident. It was when the Halligans had got their claws into F.X. Tyrell, and Leo was running his happy band of jockeys and golfers and tooting them up big-time, and young Proby and Miranda Hart were hanging out. Twenty of them in the back room—it was before the Warehouse refurbishment, just a lounge at the back—no one else got in: Private party sir, sorry sir. Aw, again? Private party every night sir.
Steno could see there was something happening there, the cars, the money, the action. There was a whole bunch of women hanging around that time, skinny, expensive-looking women, the kind of women who appear like thin air when there’s coke around, kind of like models but not as attractive, kind of like whores but not really into the money. Steno had just started working in McGoldrick’s then, and he couldn’t remember how many times he had his cock sucked to let some flooze in leopardskin and lace into the back room. Not that a woman knew how to blow you. How would she? Like knows what like likes, it’s only common sense. Steno had no great interest in women. No, he had no use for them, that was more like it. Although if he had to, he’d find a use, just like he had with Miranda Hart.
She was up in the shower now, but she was still here, wasn’t she? And maybe she had screamed when he’d done her the way he wanted, maybe she’d screamed at first, but she’d stopped screaming. She’d stopped screaming, and she was still here. Because it was worth her while. Because she was using him, too. Just like those coke whores, when he’d got tired of their sloppy fucking lips and he told them what he wanted, the ones who really wanted to make the scene, the ones who really wanted to score, they’d deliver like pros, they’d shut the fuck up and take it. As for the others, crying and blubbering and he hadn’t even touched them, amateur fucking hour. He had nothing but contempt for that kind of carry-on. One thing Steno had never done was take what wasn’t on offer. Of course, you always had to work the angles to maximize what was offered, or even to make it available at all, but who didn’t do that? Or at very least, who didn’t want to? And maybe there were people going to their graves crying over not getting what they wanted becau
se they didn’t go after it hard enough, but Steno was not one of those people, never had been.
In fairness, it wasn’t true to say Steno didn’t have a use for women. There was no percentage in being the way Steno was, not in Tyrellscourt; it was dangerous most places now, not to mention pathetic and embarrassing. What you did was (and Steno couldn’t understand how people couldn’t get this through their heads, now that air travel had come down in price, and not be going around playgrounds and schools making shows of themselves, or acting the bollocks on the Internet, those days were done) you went to Thailand, or the Philippines—parts of Africa were good, too, or so he’d been told, but Steno thought Africa might be a bit of a fucking downer—and there you were, whatever you wanted, as many, as often, as young. Twice or three times a year—last year, Steno took four trips—and that was you set up for a few months. And if you couldn’t be happy with that, what kind of a sick fuck were you anyway? The odd weekend in Amsterdam didn’t do any harm either, you could always get what you wanted in Amsterdam.
But you needed a wife, or a girlfriend, or—you could be “gay,” but Steno had never liked any of that either, well, he liked some of it, but not the fucking public side, and they were very fucking pushy about it now, everything out in the open. What was the point of that? Steno didn’t like anything out in the open. Anyway, in a town like Tyrellscourt, you needed a wife or a girlfriend so that everyone would just shut the fuck up, and once Steno got his feet under the table at McGoldrick’s—it was a skill he had, he had always been able to make people feel comfortable, and relaxed, not just like him, that was no great accomplishment, but want to impress him. Even that cunt Loy the other day, he’d said something about Leopardstown to Steno. Steno could see Loy didn’t know one end of a horse from the other, but he was a man, and men always wanted to say something to Steno about Leopardstown, or Croke Park, or Stamford Bridge. That was how he’d got the job, when McGoldrick Senior saw him behind the bar. He could empty the place at closing time without having to raise his voice: people just knew. He didn’t know what it was; it was like, some people were good with children.
Sometimes Steno wished he had been into women, because there were nights when he could take his pick. The women would see their men edging up to him and they’d draw their own conclusions. It was like a nature program Steno had seen shot at night, or in a cave, all you could see was the animals’ body heat, represented by colour; the shade indicated who would mate with whom: the hotter you were, the redder you were, and the redder you were, the bigger the stream of rapidly reddening females piling over to you. Steno broke his shite laughing when he saw that program. Christine asked him what he was laughing at.
Nothing, he’d said.
Well, he couldn’t say, you, you red bitches in heat you, could he?
Christine had come in trying out for the back room. Steno could see immediately she didn’t have what it took. But she wasn’t the kind you done in the backyard by the bins either. He took her out and he took her home and they became boyfriend and girlfriend. He had to fuck her quite a lot to begin with, and she wasn’t into anything “like that,” and there was a point when he didn’t think he was going to make it, but that point was around the same point that Steno saw there was a market for smack around the place. He had mates in Amsterdam, and they’d send a mule, or sometimes he’d pick it up himself; no one at customs ever stopped Steno. He smoked it with Christine until she got into it, and then he’d kept it coming. Then he didn’t have to fuck her so much, or at all, and if he did, he’d do what he liked and she’d put up with it, long as the smack showed up. And long as you had regular bread coming in, a smack habit was as easy to handle as a bottle of wine a night; Christine had a regular job as a secretary in a solicitor’s office in Blessington and she kept herself looking smart and they lived in a bungalow on the Dublin road, although Steno had a “manager’s flat” McGoldrick built for him when the Warehouse refurb was taking place, an inducement to persuade him to stay. They couldn’t run McGoldrick’s without Steno.
Well, maybe one day soon, they were going to have to.
The happy accident occurred, as so many have, on account of smack.
After Pa Hutton blew it with By Your Leave at Thurles, he was hanging around a lot, hitting the booze hard, and Leo Halligan stopped slipping him freebies because Hutton wasn’t at the races anymore, at first literally, and then majorly. Soon after, Bomber Folan was rolling around in pretty much the same condition after he’d been dumped in short order by F.X. Tyrell. Folan and Hutton soon found smack was a perfect way of taking the edge off life’s little disappointments. Leo Halligan wasn’t happy at first that Steno was dealing, but it worked out all right in the end: George was keen that Podge Halligan came nowhere near Tyrells court because he was a headbanger and a madman, he’d scare all the jockeys away and the Halligans’ betting deal with the Tyrells would collapse. With Steno there, George could tell Podge there was no room for him in the market. George even saw to it that Steno took a weapons delivery or two, just in case a bout of competition erupted.
McGoldrick Senior didn’t much like the way superannuated jockeys from Tyrellscourt seemed to end up haunting the pub, but Steno took a strong line there: quite apart from their being his clients in more ways than one, the town had a loyalty to those who hadn’t kept up with the race—not to mention the lads who came up through St. Jude’s. That’s what Steno said anyway: he didn’t know whether he believed it or not, and he didn’t really give a fuck: he liked the way it sounded, and the effect it had on the people who heard it, and why else would you say anything? It made him feel like he was a good man, at least some of the time, and sometimes you seemed to need that. Steno didn’t know why, but there it was.
Folan fell asunder very quickly. He began kipping up at the old Staples place, helping Iggy Staples out in the scrap trade, trekking down the town for his smack. Meanwhile, Miranda Hart had reappeared—there was talk she’d gone away and had a baby and given it up for adoption, or had an abortion, or some fucking thing: Steno didn’t really give a fuck; at least, not back then he didn’t. She was hanging out in the back room, hoovering up coke with Jack Proby, spreading herself around, and soon she needed a little taste to bring her down at nights. Steno steered clear of any shenanigans with Miranda Hart though: even if she wasn’t in the loop at Tyrellscourt anymore, she had been once, and there’d always been talk about whose daughter she might have been. He’d supply her with smack, but rarely directly; he preferred to deal with Proby: it kept the lines clear, in case there was any grief from on high.
Pa Hutton was miserable, of course: he’d lost his job, and now his woman, his wife, and possibly his child, and what did he have? A spike in his arm, end of story. Leo Halligan tried to straighten him out more than once, but there was nothing you could do with a junkie: if they want to go all the way down to hell, you can either take the trip with them, or let them fall and hope they get such a land they’ll try and climb back up. Leo had the fucking nerve to have a pop at Steno once for feeding Pa the smack; Steno reefed Leo out on that one, told him if he didn’t want to find himself and his playmates another powder room, he could lose the fucking career guidance counsellor routine. For a poxy little faggot, he’d always been a self-righteous cunt, right back to St. Jude’s days. Fucker was never done riding some young fella or other, keeping the lads awake at night grunting and fucking whooping, yet he had the fucking gall to object to the way Steno conducted himself.
Steno had no regrets or qualms about the manner in which he had stewarded the younger lads through the hazards of St. Jude’s, and he could have taught Leo and any number of other whores in that school the meaning of self-control: he’d internalized the crucial lesson, which was that you exercise caution and self-discipline at all times. Steno had never played favourites, he’d never had anyone more than once, and he’d always insisted on anonymity: a blindfold properly applied, a willing assistant or two. It wasn’t always pleasant; in fact, there had been times w
hen Steno had wondered whether it was worth the grief. But fuck it: you done one, you done them all; easier that way, from a logic point of view. Easier in your own mind. And what was Leo gonna do about it? Go to the cops? (Steno knew what it stemmed from: Leo had always had a thing for Hutton back in St. Jude’s, and Hutton just didn’t go that way. Well, Steno didn’t take no for an answer at the time: he’d used Father Vincent Tyrell’s room in the school when it was Hutton’s turn, took him on a kneeler. Hutton didn’t like it, and Steno hadn’t much enjoyed it himself, it had felt like a duty. Anyway, he knew Leo always blamed him for that. But Hutton never suspected him, and Leo had no proof, never had. If there was one thing Steno couldn’t abide, it was any kind of false accusation, no matter what the context.) And Pa Hutton and Bomber Folan didn’t have to come to McGoldrick’s, did they? He knew Leo had been pouring poison in people’s ears about him, but there he was in the bar too. Hypocrisy, some people would call it: Steno said it was just The Way Things Are. Don’t bear a grudge unless it works to your advantage.
So Miranda Hart had run out of bread, and Steno wasn’t gonna give her any more shit for free, and he didn’t find anything else she had to offer appealing; she’d always been a dirtbird, but she’d turned into a total skank on H; the golfers weren’t interested anymore, and she was reduced to blowing drunks for twenty quid in the back lane. That’s what she was doing, in the rain, when someone told Pa Hutton about it and he walked out and caught her sucking off Bomber Folan and went straight for Bomber’s neck. The whole thing was over in seconds. Bomber’s system was trashed by the smack anyway, so he was too weak to fight back; the worst thing about it all was, Miranda Hart kept working away down below while Hutton was strangling Bomber, as if she had lost any lingering sense of reality, and the rain teeming down on it all: that’s the sight that greeted Steno, like some nightmare act from the circus in hell.
The Dying Breed Page 25
