by HJ Welch
The bottom dropped out of Dair’s stomach. “What was?”
It was agony waiting for an answer. “Us,” Robin said eventually. “I – I think I rushed into it. You don’t want to be with someone like me, trust me.”
Dair didn’t want to believe it, but had Mac been right? Was Robin trying to ditch him by saying ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?
“Don’t I get a say in who I want to be with?” Dair asked.
“Yeah…but do you really want to be with me? Honestly?”
Dair chewed his lip and stared over the crowd, not really seeing anyone. “That depends. Did you kiss Mac just now?”
The silence told him a lot.
“Robin,” he said around the lump in his throat. “I know we said we didn’t want to rush this. I think that’s for the best. You need to think about what you really want.”
He closed his eyes and grimaced. He wasn’t sure he could bear the hurt of seeing Robin right now, not with the image of him allowing Mac to kiss him so fresh in his mind.
“I think I might get a motel room for me and Smudge tonight.”
“Okay,” Robin said in a rush. “Yeah, that’s sensible. I’ll get an Uber home.”
“No, I’ll drive you,” Dair said quickly, but Robin interrupted.
“It’s fine. You’re almost back at the truck, anyway. Unless you wanted to get your things?”
Dair just wanted to crawl into a dark hole and not think at all. How had his day gone from bliss to heartbreak so fast? “I’ll just grab a toothbrush from a store,” he said. “As long as you’re okay getting a cab.”
“It’s fine,” said Robin firmly. Dair thought he might have heard another sob, but over the crowd and blaring music, he couldn’t be sure. “Dair, I’m sorry.”
How had things gotten so messed up? He was sure Mac was at fault in some way, but he couldn’t be completely sure Robin wasn’t either. He certainly wasn’t leaping to defend his actions right now.
“I’m sorry, too,” Dair mumbled.
He expected Robin to hang up, but he didn’t. “I hope you get a motel room okay,” he said quietly.
Dair rubbed his eyes. “We’ll be fine. Sleep well, hon.”
“Night night.”
Dair stared at his phone for a while after they closed the call. He felt wretched in a way he hadn’t since Malory and he had broken up. In that instance, he’d known that was the right thing to do. But with Robin, he felt like the opportunity to try was being snatched away before they could even begin.
Maybe they weren’t meant to be? Maybe this was Dair’s one little fling at being gay, and he’d go back to his regular life now.
The thought didn’t bring him any comfort.
Hopefully after some sleep, he’d be able to think clearer. But with his heart hurting and his mind whirling, he doubted he’d get any sleep at all.
He hugged the oversized koala to his chest and slowly, sadly, walked Smudge back to his truck.
20
ROBIN
“RIGHT. Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on, or do I have to tickle it out of you?”
Robin smiled weakly at Peyton as he cradled his cup of sugary coffee, curled into the corner of the sofa in the family living room. It was Saturday afternoon. Robin had slept most of the day away or at least dozed fitfully.
“Mercy,” he begged quietly.
Peyton huffed before bouncing over the cushions and wrapping her arms around him. “Why did I run into Dair this morning at the motel looking like someone stole his G.I. Joe? Then stomped on it. And set it on fire.”
Robin sighed. The knot that had been in his stomach since last night didn’t look to be easing anytime soon. “Mac kissed me. I didn’t push him off quick enough. Dair saw. He wouldn’t want to be with a guy like me anyway, so it’s best if I just let him-”
“No, no, no!” Peyton cried, letting him go. “Back up. Mac kissed you?”
“He was just trying his luck,” Robin said hollowly. “I told him no, and he did it again anyway, so I got mad and left. But before that…” He sighed again, even heavier. “He said some things that made a lot of sense.”
“Such as?” Peyton asked. “And what did you mean about Dair being with you? Do you have a crush on him? Because I have gotten the occasional queer vibe from him, you know.”
Robin closed his eyes. He didn’t want to admit this out loud, because then he’d have to face that it was also most likely gone.
“We slept together. Twice.”
“Shut the front door!” Peyton screeched.
Robin waved his coffee-free hand at her, desperately trying to calm her down. His family was lingering somewhere around the house. He’d lied and told them that Dair and Smudge had gone for a run. But that was hours ago, and they were definitely going to start wondering why he wasn’t getting ready for the big reunion party soon.
Peyton leaned forward on the couch, staring at Robin. “You guys hooked up?”
“Yeah, but it was obviously a mistake, okay?”
“Why?” Peyton folded her arms. “Did he say he regretted it?”
Robin’s eyes burned, but he managed not to let any tears fall. “He didn’t need to. And then he saw that kiss – god knows what he thinks.”
“So ask him.” She raised her eyebrows. “Have a conversation, like adults.”
Robin shrugged. “He texted to say he’d still go to the reunion with me. Maybe we can talk then, but I’m not sure what we’d say. We’re not compatible.”
Peyton shook her head incredulously but then looked up with a smile. “Oh, hey, Ava! Long time no see.”
Robin turned around to see his sister freeze in the doorway at the sight of Peyton. For a few seconds, she didn’t seem to know what to do. “Hi,” she uttered eventually. “I like your…socks.” Then she spun on her heels and pretty much ran out of the room.
Robin frowned. Peyton chuckled. “She’s a funny one, isn’t she?”
“Not usually that funny.”
Peyton slapped his leg through his pajamas. Grown-up clothes had seemed too much of a stretch to put on yet. “Getting back to you and Dair-”
“There is no me and Dair.” Robin drained his coffee cup but kept it in his hands, staring at the dregs. “It was just a crazy thing that happened. Hopefully we can both forget about it soon.”
Peyton looked confused. “Was the sex that bad?”
Robin cringed, thinking about all the dumb things he’d said in the heat of the moment. The way he’d tried to show off his scrawny body. The way he’d been so thirsty for Dair’s cock.
“It was pretty humiliating,” he mumbled.
Peyton let out a frustrated cry. “Was it? Or has Mac just gotten into your head? What did he say exactly? And why have you been hanging around with him when Dair’s whole purpose in coming here was to make sure you didn’t have to do that?”
“I haven’t been hanging out with him,” Robin told her as he put his empty coffee mug down. “Okay, well, we met to talk about work, but the other times were when he came and found me.”
Peyton arched an eyebrow. “I’m going to be having a word with Dair about how that happened, I think.”
“Oh, shut up,” Robin said with a laugh. “I’m not some delicate flower. I can make my own decisions and look after myself. Mac’s changed. Not much, but I never felt unsafe with him.”
He rubbed his arm where Mac had slapped it. Yeah, that hadn’t been great, but Robin hadn’t been in any actual danger.
Peyton huffed. “This all sounds like nonsense. So, what, you left him at the motel this morning?”
“Actually, he’s been staying here. In my room. It was his idea to check into the motel last night.”
“Oh, Robin,” Peyton cried in exasperation. “You boys are just freaking out over nothing. I swear to god, I’m going to go back over there and bang his head against the wall.”
“No, don’t,” Robin said. However, his lips twitched in half a smile. “Thank you, though. I’ll try
and talk some more to him tonight. Who knows? Maybe it was all a big misunderstanding?”
Robin wanted to believe Peyton, he really did. But he kept coming back to all the reasons why someone like Dair wouldn’t want to be with Robin after one night. Let alone be boyfriends.
Peyton huffed and slapped his knee. “This isn’t what I imagined after driving for three hours. I thought we’d all be getting ready together, drinking mimosas, and dancing around the room to Bananarama.”
“That sounds great,” Robin said, but his heart was in no way in it.
The thought of partying to eighties music made him feel sick. How could he have made such a mess of everything? He should have trusted his instinct the night before last and just gone to bed. Not allowed the stupid box in his chest to break and let out his secret crush. Now he’d lost a friend and ruined it all. He wouldn’t blame Dair if he wanted to move out.
Peyton shook her head and rubbed her forehead. “This is all a big fuss over nothing. What did Dair look like when you guys talked?”
Robin toyed with the handle of his mug. “We haven’t seen each other since…”
Since Mac kissed him. Urgh, that had been gross. Robin had brushed his teeth a dozen times today, he was sure. But he’d been so wrapped up in Mac’s words he’d let the kisses happen. He was still to blame.
Poor Dair.
How was Robin going to face him? He’d humiliated himself in bed and confused the poor man with his sexuality…
Or was Mac right? Had Dair taken advantage of Robin’s stupid crush?
The coffee rolled around in his stomach like acid. This was why he hadn’t dated in a decade. He’d just mess everything up.
Peyton squeezed his knee. “Earth to Robin?”
He blinked. “Huh?”
She looked at him sympathetically. “You really do like him, don’t you?” Robin shrugged. “Look, talk to him later. Properly. Don’t tell him what he’s thinking. Ask. I bet you it’ll all turn out okay.”
Robin sighed. He didn’t really believe her, but he appreciated she was only trying to help. “Okay. You still going to crash the reunion?” Robin asked hopefully, trying to shift the subject. “Jay said he’d totally sneak you in as his plus one.”
Peyton snorted. “Like anyone would believe me and him were a thing. Yeah, sure. But I might come a little later. If people are full of beer, they might be less likely to point at me and go ‘Who’s that magnificent lesbian? I definitely would have remembered her from school!’”
Robin laughed, feeling a tiny bit of relief from his melancholy. He could always rely on Peyton to cheer him up. The despair quickly slipped back in, but he tried his best to hide it. “All right, I think I’ll get in the shower.” And not fret about if or when Dair was going to come back here.
It would be easier said than done.
They stood and Peyton gave him a long, hard hug. “Good man. You’ll see. It’ll all work out in the end.”
The fact she had said something very similar a second ago didn’t encourage him, but he appreciated her confidence in him anyway.
He wasn’t normally one for fussing over his appearance, but that evening Robin spent over an hour in the bathroom. He showered, shaved, clipped his finger and toenails, and trimmed any wayward little hairs from his ears. Then he spent ages putting his contacts in.
It had been a long time since he’d bothered and he was a little out of practice. But seeing as he was getting all dressed up, he felt like he might as well go the whole way. If he was doing his best not to look nerdy, the glasses had to go. For tonight, at least.
It was like he was afraid to stop getting ready and leave the bathroom. Once he did that, he’d have to face the reality that Dair had probably changed his mind and Robin would be going to the reunion alone.
Maybe he shouldn’t go at all.
He tried. He’d supported Jay all week. But what would going tonight accomplish? If he went without Dair, he’d been hyperaware of what he’d lost. If he did, by some chance, go with him, could he face pretending all evening?
That would kill him if he had to introduce people to his ‘boyfriend’ the whole event, knowing that it was not only fake, but that it could have been real.
Urgh. Enough. He couldn’t live the rest of his days in his parents’ bathroom, no matter how tempting the thought seemed. He splashed aftershave on his neck, then finally vacated the bathroom to head back to his room.
Except his room was already occupied.
He froze on the threshold, only wearing a towel around his waist. Dair was dressed to the nines in a crisp, classic black suit jacket and pants with a fresh bright white shirt. His black shoes were polished so they gleamed, and he smelled of that gorgeous spicy scent he wore.
Robin was amazed his knees didn’t buckle.
“Hi,” Dair said guiltily. “I did call before I came over, but I guess you were in the shower.” Robin looked down at his phone on the dresser. Sure enough, the tiny light was blinking to indicate he had notifications. “My clothes were here. I hope you don’t mind?”
Robin tried to stop covering up his scrawny chest, but he was too self-conscious. Only yesterday morning he’d jerked off for Dair on that very bed. He felt deeply ashamed as he hugged himself.
“N-no, not at all. Uh, so, you still want to come tonight?”
“It’s the whole reason I came to Pine Cove.” Dair raised his eyebrows.
Of course. He was dutiful down to the end. He was a former Marine and had a job to do.
Robin nodded. “Cool. Okay. Well, I’ll get dressed, and we can maybe head over? It’s starting soon. Jay will want us to be there from the beginning. He’s already at the country club doing final prep work. I think he’s kind of nervous.” Robin bit his tongue to stop himself babbling. “So,” he said more slowly, “I can meet you downstairs when I’m dressed?”
Dair nodded and moved toward the door. Robin awkwardly tried to step aside. For a moment, they were chest to chest.
Then Robin scurried further into the room, putting some space between them. Heaven forbid he do something awful like throw himself into Dair’s arms again. What the hell had he been thinking?
Dair paused at the door. Fuck, he looked obscenely stunning. There was still a rugged edge to him, but his new look showed he could apply the care he took in looking after others and scrub up himself, too. Robin loved it. He wished with all his heart he could walk over and wrap his arms around Dair’s muscular frame, but he just couldn’t.
Yes, he’d screwed up not pushing Mac’s advances off quick enough. But the bigger issue was that he and Dair were just too different. It would never work, and Robin had embarrassed himself enough already.
Dair looked at him from where he’d stopped. “I was hoping we could talk sometime tonight.”
Robin nodded. “Yes, let’s talk.” With any luck, they might be able to smooth over the last couple of days and try and save something of their friendship. Robin would feel awful if Dair had to move out of the apartment. And – oh god. He’d have to find another pet-friendly place! The thought of his taking his little pack of pets with him was even worse than just him leaving. Robin would miss the fur babies just as much as their dad.
No. He’d make things less awkward and hopefully not uproot Dair’s life. They might even be able to act normally as friends again after a while.
The thought gave him a little spark of optimism as he put his own suit on, carefully tying his tie and fastening his Space Invader-shaped cufflinks. Looking absently around the room, he realized with a jolt that Dair had brought his giant stuffed koala back and sat him in the desk chair. Considering his size, he would have thought he’d have noticed it right away. But he guessed his mind was distracted.
Robin went over and stroked his soft fur. If Dair and he could get through this awkward mistake, maybe he’d still keep the koala here in his room? But he doubted he’d take him back to Seattle. Every time Robin looked at him, he’d remind himself of what he’d almost had but
lost.
Taking a long, deep breath, Robin looked himself over one last time in his mirror with all the rainbow stickers around the edge. No more moping. The theme tonight was ‘Prom Throwback.’ He’d been a little excited to actually bring a date this time around, considering last time he, Jay, and Emery had all gone stag together. Dair wasn’t exactly his date anymore, but he was still accompanying Robin for the night.
Except his mom didn’t know that.
“Just one more photo!” she pleaded.
She rearranged them in front of the fireplace for the thousandth time as Kestrel watched on, giggling and playing with Smudge. She was very happy to be on dog-sitting duty for the evening. “Aww, our little baby Robin is all grown up.”
“Shut up,” Robin mumbled, trying not to feel too awkward. Even if they were actually dating, this would be embarrassing. But after everything that had gone down the past couple of days, it was completely heartbreaking. Before it would have just been bizarre. Now Robin knew what he’d lost, and he didn’t know if he’d ever feel like that again.
Eventually, they were released, and Robin ordered an Uber immediately. The sooner they got out of the house, the quicker he would stop having to hug Dair. It was a strange kind of torture.
Why the hell was he still going on with this charade, anyway? He supposed he didn’t want to tell the rest of his family he’d been lying to them. He’d just message the group chat next week and tell them he and Dair had decided it would be better if they just stayed friends.
They were quiet on the drive over to the country club by the lake. Luckily, their driver had the radio on loudly playing pop music and kept a mostly one-sided conversation up on his thoughts about the local bat population.
Robin had attended a couple of weddings at The Peaks Country Club growing up. It was a large, one-story complex nestled amongst the pines, backing onto the town’s lake. The exterior walls were white and the roof tiles sage green. The Stars and Stripes fluttered gently on a flag pole out front in the evening breeze.
Their Uber pulled up around the circular lawn at the end of the long driveway. Plenty of people were milling around already, and Robin felt a flicker of nerves.
