The ribbon was twisted tight around Clara’s fingers, strangling them.
“For you, maybe,” Myrna had said. “But what about them?”
“How do you know they haven’t let all that go?” Clara unwound the ribbon, then fidgeted with it. Winding it. Worrying it. “Maybe they’re sitting there all alone, devastated. And I’m not going because I’m afraid?”
“Go if you have to,” said Myrna. “But just make sure you’re doing it for them and not for you.”
With that ringing in her ears Clara had crossed the village green and made for the Incident Room, to speak with Beauvoir. But also to get something else.
Their address.
Now, after listening to the Inspector, Clara nodded. Two people had given her the same advice. To wait. Clara realized she was staring at the wall of the old railway station. At the photos of Lillian, dead. In her garden.
Where that strange woman and Chief Inspector Gamache were waiting for her.
* * *
“I’ve remembered most of Lillian’s secrets, I think.”
“You think?” asked Gamache. They were strolling around Clara’s garden, stopping now and then to admire it.
“I wasn’t lying to you last night, you know. Don’t tell my sponsees, but I get their secrets all mixed up. After a while it’s hard to separate one from the other. All a bit of a blur, really.”
Gamache smiled. He too was the safe in which many secrets were stored. Things he’d learned in investigations that had no relevance to the case. That never needed to come to light. And so he’d locked them away.
If someone suddenly demanded Monsieur C’s secrets he’d balk. At spilling them, certainly, but also, frankly, he’d need time to separate them from the rest.
“Lillian’s secrets were no worse than anyone’s,” said Suzanne. “At least, not the ones she told me about. Some shoplifting, some bad debts. Stealing money from her mother’s purse. She’d dabbled in drugs and cheated on her husband. When she was in New York she’d steal from her boss’s till and not share some tips.”
“Nothing huge,” said Gamache.
“It never is. Most of us are brought down by a bunch of tiny transgressions. Little things that add up until we collapse under them. It’s fairly easy to avoid doing the big bad things, but it’s the hundred mean little things that’ll get you eventually. If you listen to people long enough you realize it’s not the slap or the punch, but the whispered gossip, the dismissive look. The turned back. That’s what people with any conscience are ashamed of. That’s what they drink to forget.”
“And people without a conscience?”
“They don’t end up in AA. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.”
Gamache thought about that for a moment. “You said ‘at least, not the ones she told me about.’ Does that mean she kept some secrets from you?”
He wasn’t looking at his companion. He found people opened up more if given the conceit of their own space. Instead, Chief Inspector Gamache stared straight ahead at the honeysuckle and roses growing up an arbor and warming in the early afternoon sun.
“Some manage to flush it all out in one go,” said Suzanne. “But most need time. It’s not that they’re intentionally hiding anything. Sometimes they’ve buried it so deep they don’t even know it’s there anymore.”
“Until?”
“Until it claws its way back up. By then something tiny has turned into something almost unrecognizable. Something big and stinky.”
“What happens then?” asked the Chief Inspector.
“Then we have a choice,” said Suzanne. “We can look the truth square in the face. Or we can bury it again. Or, at least try.”
To a casual observer they would appear to be two old friends discussing literature or the latest concert at the village hall. But someone more astute might notice their expressions. Not grave, but perhaps a little somber on this lovely, sunny day.
“What happens if people try to bury it again?” Gamache asked.
“I don’t know about normal human beings, but for alcoholics it’s lethal. A secret that rotten will drive you to drink. And the drink will drive you to your grave. But not before it steals everything from you. Your loved ones, your job, your home. Your dignity. And finally, your life.”
“All because of a secret?”
“Because of a secret, and the decision to hide from the truth. The choice to chicken out.” She looked at him closely. “Sobriety isn’t for cowards, Chief Inspector. Whatever you might think of an alcoholic, to get sober, really sober demands great honesty, and that demands great courage. Stopping drinking’s the easy part. Then we have to face ourselves. Our demons. How many people are willing to do that?”
“Not many,” Gamache admitted. “But what happens if the demons win?”
* * *
Clara Morrow walked slowly across the bridge, pausing to glance into the Rivière Bella Bella below. It burbled past, catching the sun in silver and gold highlights. She could see the rocks, rubbed smooth at the bottom of the stream, and every now and then a rainbow trout glided past.
Should she go into Montréal? The truth was, she’d already looked up the Dysons’ address, she’d just wanted to confirm it with Beauvoir. It sat in her pocket, and now she glanced over at their car, sitting. Waiting.
Should she go into Montréal?
What was she waiting for? What was she afraid of?
That they would hate her. Blame her. Tell her to go away. That Mr. and Mrs. Dyson, who had once been second parents to Clara, would disown her.
But she knew she had to do it. Despite what Myrna said. Despite what Beauvoir said. She hadn’t asked Peter. Didn’t yet trust him enough with something this important. But she suspected he’d say the same thing.
Don’t go.
Don’t risk it.
Clara turned away from the river and walked off the bridge.
* * *
“It’s true,” said Suzanne, “sometimes the demon wins. Sometimes we can’t face the truth. It’s just too painful.”
“What happens then?”
Suzanne was swishing the grass with her feet, no longer looking at the pretty garden.
“Have you ever heard of ‘Humpty Dumpty,’ Chief Inspector?”
“The nursery rhyme? I used to read it to my children.”
Daniel, as he remembered, had loved it. Wanted it read over and over again. Never tired of the illustrations of the silly old egg and the noble King’s horses and men, rushing to the rescue.
But Annie? She’d howled. The tears had gone on and on, staining his shirt where he’d held her to him. Rocking her. Trying to comfort her. It had taken Gamache a while to calm her down and work out what the problem was. And then it was clear. Little Annie, all of four, couldn’t stand the thought of Humpty Dumpty so shattered. Never able to heal. Hurt too badly.
“It’s an allegory, of course,” said Suzanne.
“You mean Mr. Dumpty never existed?” asked Gamache.
“I mean exactly that, Chief Inspector.” Suzanne’s smile faded and she walked in silence for a few paces. “Like Humpty Dumpty, some people are just too damaged to heal.”
“Was Lillian?”
“She was healing. I think she might have done all right. She was sure working hard at it.”
“But?” said Gamache.
Suzanne took a few more steps. “Lillian was damaged, very messed up. But she was putting her life back together again, slowly. That wasn’t the problem.”
The Chief Inspector considered what this woman, so loud and yet so loyal, was trying to tell him. And then he thought he had it.
“She wasn’t Humpty Dumpty,” he said. “She hadn’t fallen off the wall. She pushed others. Others had had great falls, thanks to Lillian.”
Beside him Suzanne Coates’s head bobbed up and down very subtly with each footstep.
“Sorry it took so long,” said Clara, coming around the old lilac bush at the corner of her home. “I got these f
rom Myrna.”
She held up the ribbon and the cigar and was treated to both the Chief Inspector and Suzanne looking disconcerted.
“What sort of a ritual is this exactly?” asked Gamache, with an uncertain smile.
“It’s a ritual of cleansing. Would you like to join us?”
Gamache hesitated, then nodded. He was familiar with this sort of ritual. Some of the villagers had done it at the scenes of earlier murders. But he’d never been asked to join before. Though, God knew, he’d had enough incense wafted over him in his Catholic youth, this couldn’t be any worse.
For the second time in two days Clara lit the sage and sweetgrass. She gently pushed the fragrant smoke toward the intense artist, smoothing it over the woman’s head and down her body. Releasing, Clara explained, any negative thoughts, any bad energy.
Then it was Gamache’s turn. She looked at him. His expression was slightly bemused, but mostly relaxed, attentive. She moved the smoke over him, until it hung like a sweet cloud around him and then dissipated in the breeze.
“All the negative energy taken away,” said Clara, doing it to herself. “Gone.”
If only, they all quietly thought, it was that easy.
Then Clara gave them each a ribbon and invited them to say a silent prayer for Lillian, then tie it to the stick.
“What about the tape?” asked Suzanne.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter,” said Clara. “More of a suggestion than a command. Besides, I know the fellow who put it up.”
“Incompetent,” said Gamache, holding the tape down for Suzanne, then stepping through himself. “But well meaning.”
* * *
Agent Isabelle Lacoste slowed her car almost to a stop. She was heading out of Three Pines and into Montréal to help search the archives of La Presse for Lillian Dyson’s reviews. To try to find out who that one particularly vicious critique was written about.
As she drove past the Morrow house she saw something she never thought she’d see. A senior Sûreté du Québec officer apparently praying to a stick.
She smiled, wishing she could join him. She’d often said silent prayers at a crime scene. When everyone else had left, Isabelle Lacoste returned. To let the dead know they were not forgotten.
This time, though, it seemed the Chief’s turn. She wondered what he was praying for. She remembered holding that bloody hand, and thought maybe she could guess.
* * *
Chief Inspector Gamache placed his right hand on the stick and cleared his mind. After a moment he tied his ribbon to it and stepped back.
“I said the Serenity Prayer,” said Suzanne. “You?”
But Gamache chose not to tell them what he’d prayed for.
“And you?” Suzanne turned to Clara.
She was bossy and inquisitive, Gamache noticed. He wondered if those were good qualities in a sponsor.
Like Gamache, Clara kept quiet.
But she had her answer.
“I need to leave for a little while. I’ll see you later.” Clara hurried into her home. She was now in a rush. Too much time had already been wasted.
EIGHTEEN
“Are you sure I can’t come with you?” Peter followed Clara down their front path, to the car parked just outside their gate.
“I won’t be long. Just one quick thing I need to do in Montréal.”
“What? Can’t I help?”
He was desperate to prove to Clara he’d changed. But while she was civil with him it was clear. His wife, who had so much faith, had finally lost all faith in him.
“No. Enjoy yourself here.”
“Call when you get there,” he yelled after the car, but he wasn’t sure she’d heard.
“Where’s she gone?”
Peter turned round to see Inspector Beauvoir standing beside him.
“Montréal.”
Beauvoir raised his brows but said nothing. Then he walked away, toward the bistro and its terrasse.
Peter watched Inspector Beauvoir take a seat under one of the yellow and blue Campari umbrellas, all by himself. Olivier came out immediately, like the Inspector’s private butler.
Beauvoir accepted two menus, ordered a drink, and relaxed.
Peter envied that. To sit alone. All alone. And be company enough. He envied that almost as much as he envied the people sitting in groups of two or three or four. Enjoying each other’s company. For Peter, the only thing worse than company was being alone. Unless he was alone in his studio. Or with Clara. Just the two of them.
But now she’d left him standing by the side of the road.
And Peter Morrow didn’t know what to do.
* * *
“Your man is going to be pissed off that you’re keeping him from his lunch.” Suzanne nodded toward the bistro.
They’d left Clara’s garden and decided to walk around the village green. Ruth sat on the bench at the very center of the little park. The source of all gravity in Three Pines.
She was staring into the sky and Gamache wondered if prayers really were answered. He glanced up as well, as he had when his hand had rested on the stick.
But the sky remained empty, and silent.
Then his gaze fell to earth and Beauvoir sitting at a bistro table, watching them.
“He doesn’t look happy,” said Suzanne.
“He’s never happy when he’s hungry.”
“And I bet he’s often hungry,” said Suzanne. The Chief looked at her, expecting to see the omnipresent smile, and was surprised to find her looking very serious.
They resumed their walk.
“Why do you think Lillian Dyson came to Three Pines?” Gamache asked.
“I’ve been wondering that.”
“And have you come to a conclusion?”
“I think it’s one of two things. She was here to either repair damage done,” Suzanne stopped to look at Gamache directly. “Or to do more.”
The Chief Inspector nodded. He’d thought the same thing. But what a world between the two. In one Lillian was sober and healthy, and in the other she was cruel, unchanged, unrepentant. Was she one of the King’s men, or had she come to Three Pines to push someone else off the wall?
Gamache put on his reading glasses and opened the large book he’d left at the bistro and retrieved.
“The alcoholic is like a tornado, roaring his way through the lives of others,” he read in a deep, quiet voice. He looked at Suzanne over his half-moon glasses. “We found this on her bedside table. Those words were highlighted.”
He held the book up. In bright white letters on a dark background were the words “Alcoholics Anonymous.”
Suzanne grinned. “Not very discreet. Ironic really.”
Gamache smiled and looked back down at the book. “There’s more. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead.”
He slowly closed the book and took off his glasses.
“Does that tell you anything?”
Suzanne held out her hand and Gamache gave her the book. Opening it to the bookmark she scanned the page, and smiled.
“It tells me she was on step nine.” She gave the book back to Gamache. “She must’ve been reading that section of the book. It’s the step where we make amends to people we’ve harmed. I guess she was here for that.”
“What is step nine?”
“Made direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure them or others,” she quoted.
“Such people?”
“The ones we’ve damaged by our actions. I think she came here to say she was sorry.”
“Sweet relationships are dead,” said Gamache. “Do you think she came to speak to Clara Morrow? To, what did you call it? Make amends?”
“Maybe. Sounds like there were lots of art people here. She might’ve come down to apologize to any of them. God knows, she owed a lot of amends.”
“But would someone really do that?”
“What d’you mean?”
“If I wanted to sincerely apologize I don’t think I’d c
hoose to do it at a party.”
“That’s a good point.” She gave a big sigh. “There’s another thing, something I think I didn’t want to really admit. I’m not sure she’d actually reached step nine. I don’t think she’d done all the steps leading up to it.”
“Does it matter? Do you have to do them in order?”
“You don’t have to do anything, but it sure helps. What would happen if you took first year university then skipped to the final year?”
“You’d probably fail.”
“Exactly.”
“But what would failing mean, in this case? You wouldn’t get kicked out of AA?”
Suzanne laughed, but without real amusement. “No. Listen, all the steps are important, but step nine is perhaps the most delicate, the most fraught. It’s really the first time we reach out to others. Take responsibility for what we’ve done. If it’s not done right…”
“What happens?”
“We can do more damage. To them and to ourselves.”
She paused to sniff a lilac in full bloom on the edge of the quiet road. And, Gamache suspected, to give herself time to think.
“It’s beautiful,” she said, raising her nose from the fragrant flower and looking around, as if seeing the pretty little village for the first time. “I could see living here. It would make a nice home.”
Gamache didn’t say anything, judging she was working herself up to something.
“Our lives, when we were drinking, were pretty complicated. Pretty chaotic. We got into all sorts of trouble. It was a mess. And this is all we ever wanted. A quiet place in the bright sunshine. But every day we drank we got further from it.”
Suzanne looked at the little cottages around the village green. Most homes had porches and front gardens with peonies and lupins and roses in bloom. And cats and dogs lounging in the sun.
“We long to find home. After years and years of making war on everyone around us, on ourselves, we just want peace.”
“And how do you find it?” Gamache asked. He more than most knew that peace, like Three Pines, could be very hard to find.
A Trick of the Light cig-7 Page 24
