by Amy Gregory
She didn’t want the confrontation, and she should have told him to quit giving Dallas false hope, but a selfish piece of her wanted those touches and those few last kisses. Those memories would have to last a lifetime. So over the last few days she gathered up as many as she could, locking them away like treasured gold.
Then Hell opened up and swallowed her alive.
Eli tugged once on Dallas’s shirtsleeve, but when he didn’t budge, he had to physically unwrap her son’s arms from the tight hold he had on Karen and James. She lowered her eyes, the pain of their goodbye was more than she could handle.
The boy who never cried, probably a result of her own example, had tears running down his face as Eli walked him under his arm to the car. She sat beside Eli in the front of the black SUV. The smell of leather that she normally drank in, now nauseated her. As Eli shut his door, it hit her with a force she couldn’t bear. Honor hadn’t meant to get attached. She hadn’t wanted to let anyone into her heart.
She’d been so stupid. Allowing herself to play house. Allowing reality to fade into the background. Mistakenly, she had allowed herself—to hope.
Her fantasy world crashed around her as the familiar white fence passed by.
Eli’s open hand slid across the console. Shutting her eyes against the pain of watching the one place on earth she wanted to be slowly disappear behind her, she laid her hand in his and squeezed.
It only continued to get worse.
Honor thought pulling out of the main gate on the Noland’s property was hard, and the ride to the airport was excruciating, but when Dallas pushed himself away from her and ran back into Eli’s arms while they stood in line for security—that was unbearable. Watching the man she loved more than anything, hold the child she’d die for, both with tears streaming down their faces was heartbreaking.
People stopped and stared, and two separate times she was glared at with a raised eyebrow. It was as if she was separating a child and his beloved father. Without knowledge of their situation, Honor appeared to be the enemy to those passers-by. Looking side-to-side, she bit her lip while trying to avoid his gaze. There was so much pain in his eyes, pain she knew she was responsible for.
Surrounded by people and a hundred different conversations, suitcase handles snapping as they were lowered and placed near the security check, and the overhead announcements, all she heard was one man, one voice.
“Please, Honor. Don’t go. Don’t do this. Give us a chance…please.”
His plea and that damn word again—the way he looked at her when he said it was sincere and from the bottom of his heart. She knew that. Honor could see the pain in his face and it killed her. She knew he could give her and Dallas the world, but what happened when he was tired of them? What happened if it didn’t work out? That heartbreak would be ten-fold.
The attendant made the first call for their flight. Eli mumbled something to Dallas, but her son shook his head, refusing to let go of the man he’d hung so many hopes and dreams on. Ones that she’d refused to let herself believe were that strong—until she couldn’t pretend anymore, not with Dallas clinging to Eli as if his life depended on it.
Holding her son tightly to him, Eli mouthed the word please again. Tilting his head, the begging deepened the creases across his forehead.
Minutes past, and a second call was made…then the final call. When Eli said nothing else, Honor was forced to decide for him.
With tears rolling down her face, the salt running past her lips she simply held out her hand for Dallas.
Eli squeezed the child he’d practically adopted as his own one more time then patted Dallas on the back.
His voice calm, but choked. “I love you, buddy. Go on, be good for your mom. I’ll come see you soon. I promise, son.”
The hopelessness on Dallas’s face as he reluctantly loosened his hold and stepped back was more than he could stand. The tears that streamed down the child’s face killed him. Eli’s heart was being ripped out right then and there. Never had he felt so helpless in his life. He could do nothing but stand there and watch as they disappeared into the sea of people.
And just like that they were gone.
He sat close to the security exit. Waiting, hoping, and praying they’d come back. When the cell resting on his thigh showed their departure time come and go, his heart dropped. They had gotten on the plane. His one last hope, that she’d change her mind, faded. Afraid to move for fear he’d throw up, he lowered his head into his hands.
With every ring of the cell still resting on his thigh, his heart would race, until his mind would process that it wasn’t her. She wasn’t wandering the airport to see if he was still there, she wasn’t wanting to come back home. Call after call he hit decline.
If he could make it to the airport bar, he’d order a stiff drink, something to dull the hurt. He couldn’t trust his body not to crumble upon standing though.
The phone on his leg rang again. Molly. For her, he’d answer.
“Yeah.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “Yeah, babe?”
“You want me to come get you?”
Pushing down the knot in his throat, Eli shut his eyes and leaned back against the cold leather chair.
Still sitting with people wandering around him, he let out a breath. Some were excited families ready to go on their long awaited vacation. Some were by themselves in business attire with just a laptop case and a small pull-behind. However, there was one couple he knew could understand his pain that had been standing not far from him for the last hour, her in tears…him in fatigues.
All he could tell himself was that there was one place worse to be than sitting alone in an airport, and that had to be a hospital. Thank God for small bittersweet miracles. Eli let out a quiet snort.
“Why would you do that, D?”
“Because I know her plane left over an hour and a half ago. You should be home by now.”
“Oh, Molly.” He choked and the words stuck in his throat.
“Go to her, Eli.”
He shook his head and let out an audible huff.
“I’m serious, Eli. Get on a damn plane and go to her.”
“But, Mol—“
“Eli…do you love her?”
The air left his lungs with an audible swoosh. “Oh God…yes. Yes, I do! But she walked away when I asked for the chance to see if it would work.”
“Damn it, Eli.” Molly’s exasperated sigh was heard over the phone. “She can’t do chance. Hell, I admire her even more now. She has a child—”
“I know!”
“Listen. She loves you, Eli. You have to know that. It’s killing her, but she loves you. You have to know just how bad it hurt her to walk away from you. But she can’t do chance. She can’t see if it’ll work. She is being a damn good mother trying to protect her son from getting hurt.”
His free hand fisted, and he leaned forward, resting his forehead against it. “I’m not going to hurt him, Molly. Damn it, you of all people know me better than that.” He said through gritted teeth.
“You’re right, Eli. You won’t hurt him.” Her voice rose with each word. “If it doesn’t work…you’ll destroy him.”
Molly’s words stilled him. His breath caught and his pulse pounded in his ears.
Calmer, she asked. “Do you really love her?”
Pain and anger swirled through him, but Molly’s statement almost stopped his heart. “Yes.” He numbly answered. “God…more than anything in the world.”
“Did you tell her?”
He heard Honor’s laughter, could see her smiling. Pictures flashed through his mind, different places, different times, all moments that he could have said it. Times that he should have said it—but he never did.
Those were the three words he’d been afraid to say. Not from his own fear, but they stopped on the tip of his tongue several times. He was afraid his feelings were too strong, too soon, and they would spook her.
Afraid that telling her how he felt would…sc
are her off. He swallowed hard. Reality slammed into him. He’d been afraid of her doing exactly what she did. So he’d said nothing, and she’d done just that…left.
His silence must have answered her question.
“Oh, Eli. You have to tell her. It’s all or nothing. She can’t do chance or maybe. You need to figure out if you love her enough to let her go, or…if you love her enough to give her what she needs.”
“I’ve gotta go—”. He disconnected the call and ran.
Dallas had stormed into his bedroom and slammed the door. She flinched at the noise as it shook the windows in their small home. In trying to protect him, she realized, she might very well have lost him.
Two hours later, he still hadn’t made an appearance yet, and the Advil hadn’t done a damn thing for her head. Sitting in the small white house that had been home for twelve years, on the couch that was older than that, she felt alone.
This was just a house, not home anymore. Not after being at Eli’s. Especially after the night of the party. That was home. It was the laughter, the constant flood of friends everyone considered family, coming in and out. And it was the loud dinners with children running around giggling as they darted away from fingers threatening to tickle them. That was how home should feel. Her simple white walls and sparse furniture, with only pictures of Dallas to decorate the house, were a painful reminder of what her reality was.
She was back to the place where it was empty and hard to make ends meet, back to cleaning other people’s homes, back to doing it all for her son’s racing with little help. Back to complete loneliness.
Except this time, she knew what the alternative could feel like, and that hurt so much more than before.
Sitting in the middle of the worn suede couch, absentmindedly running her finger over the hole in the fabric of the cushion next to her, she closed her eyes. In the quiet of the living room, with only the late afternoon sun pouring in the picture window to light the house, she broke one of her own steadfast rules—and cried.
Honor had held it in as long as she could, she just didn’t have the strength to take it any longer. Letting the tears fall, wrapping her arms around her waist, she sat as her stomach threatened to turn on her, and her heart broke the rest of the way. Sitting in her own house was the last turn the knife needed to hurt her the most, reminding her of what she’d left behind, and what she could never have again.
Honor knew she looked like a train wreck, her mascara running, red blotches and puffy eyes. She knew Dallas would eventually surface looking for food. He’d see her and he would be worried, but at the moment, she was in too much pain to stop. The floodgates had opened.
Eventually the hurt would subside she told herself. Eventually she’d quit hearing his voice in her head and remembering what it felt like to be in his arms. Eventually the fire from his kisses would…no.
She’d never be able to forget the way he could set her ablaze with the softest of his kisses. She had fooled herself in Pennsylvania, but she wasn’t stupid enough to tell herself that lie. There would be no forgetting. It’d been hours and she could still feel his last kiss as he pressed into her.
Rocks crunched and flew as a car came tearing up her driveway.
“Oh holy hell. Not now.” She said through gritted teeth into the empty room.
Honor loved Mac with all her heart, but he could not see her like this. That was why she’d opted to pay for a cab instead of having him pick them up at the airport. Hearing the car door open and close, she swiped at the tears. There was nothing she could do about the red blotches on her face and neck.
Pushing herself off the couch, she started toward the kitchen knowing Mac would just come through the garage, using that entrance as he had for years instead of the front door. She needed to head him off and let him know what was going on before he saw Dallas.
The knock at the door stopped her.
Forgetting the current signs of a breakdown written all over her face, she crossed the small living room in less than ten steps. Yanking open the front door, she…quit breathing.
“Oh, God! Sweetheart, don’t cry.”
The sight of him stopped her world from spinning. His voice flowed over her like honey. His words made her tear up again, and her knees threatened to buckle.
With a hand lightly covering her mouth in disbelief, Honor breathed out, “Wha…what...?”
She stuttered and stammered, clueless. Was this real? Or had she fallen asleep and this was her subconscious’s way of slowly killing her?
“I need you, Honor. You can’t leave me.”
“But—”
“I love you, Honor.”
Her eyes went wide, and she gasped for a breath. “You…what?” She choked and her words came out as a whisper.
“I love you, sweetheart. I asked you to give me a chance. I was stupid. I didn’t get it. That wasn’t enough. I know that now. It wasn’t fair to ask you for something you couldn’t give me. But I know now what you need, and I can give you that…if you’ll let me.”
Her face fell, not even trying to hide the desperation and stress she felt, she searched for words that could explain. Her thoughts were coming at her from a hundred different directions. Wanting him to say those three words again, and not wanting him to say those three words again. Wanting to pull him in the house and kiss him, and wanting him to leave.
Wanting to tell him she loved him too and always would.
Right there on her doorstep he dropped down on one knee and held up the ring.
“Honor, you need forever. I love you. Let me give you forever, sweetheart. Please?”
Only five weeks before he had been in that the same spot, saying that same word that had gripped her. The love and sincerity showed in his eyes. She knew his strengths, but could tell he was unsure of her answer as she studied the vulnerability in his hazel eyes. She saw how scared he was. Honor couldn’t catch her breath. She blinked rapidly, and it was as if she was watching the whole event unfold in slow-motion.
“Please, Mom. Please, say yes.”
She whipped her head to look behind her. The unshed tears pooling in her son’s eyes as he stood in the hallway, begging her, gripped her heart.
A different man—same word.
“Honor. Dallas—”
She turned back to the man on one knee, his dark skin and muscles calling to her from underneath the light-blue, V-neck t-shirt. The mascara that her tears left behind earlier was still on his shoulder. She stared into the eyes of the man who she’d fallen in love with at first sight. His strong features and closely shaven head looked up at her. The man was strength and beauty, sex and sin, all wrapped up in one, and oh, God how she loved him.
“I love you both, so much. Please come home so we can be a real family. Will you marry me, Honor? I’ll give you forever, sweetheart.”
Honor let out a shaky breath, one of relief. Finally, he had said the two words she needed him to say…family and forever.
“Honor?”
Through the tears in her eyes, she looked at the man who had stolen her heart only a few short weeks before and nodded. Instantly, she found herself squashed between two men, one she’d loved his entire life and the other she knew she'd spend a lifetime loving. Her family…forever.
“I didn’t think he’d ever go to sleep.” Eli chuckled as he pushed Honor’s bedroom door shut, carefully letting the handle go with just a soft click, and then scooted in between two stacks of already packed boxes.
He had never seen anything as beautiful as Honor was at that moment. On her knees, surrounded by pictures—some wrapped in newspaper, some still waiting. In her tiny jeans shorts and a white t-shirt with a blanket of dark auburn curls piled on top of her head, a few loose tendrils escaping, she looked perfect. The smile she graced him with was bigger than any she’d given him back in Pennsylvania, and he thought she was breathtaking then. Now, the joy spread over her face was ten times more magnificent and so very contagious.
If he had only been
smarter, he could have saved her the heartache he’d caused. Eli knew he would spend a lifetime making up for that. She’d suffered too much in her life, and he wanted to spend every last breath making sure she was never hurt again.
“I’m surprised. We’ve kind of had a whopping roller coaster ride of a day. I’m shocked he hadn’t dropped two hours ago,” she said, quiet for the boy in the next room, but with laughter in her voice.
“I helped him finish packing his closet and got everything off the shelf for him. I told him if he went to bed, I’d wake up early and we’d get the rest done real quickly. He’s going with me to rent the trailer in the morning. Get this.” Eli crouched down beside Honor and brushed a stray curl from her forehead. “He told me he couldn’t wait to go home.”
He watched for sadness to creep in, or for signs that she was upset. “Are you okay with this, Honor? I mean, I’ve just turned your entire world upside down in the last twelve hours. I don’t mean to rush you out of what’s been your home for years.”
She shrugged. “Eli, this has always just been a house. My son was happy on the track out back, but I’ve never seen him as happy as he is at your house.”
“Our house, Honor. It’s your home now, too. I don’t ever want you to think of anything there as mine again. All right?”
Honor grinned as her cheeks went pink. “I’ll try.”
Eli took her chin between his finger and thumb and tipped it back up, “I’m serious, sweetheart. It’s all yours. But seriously, I’m moving you really fast,” he rolled his eyes. “No pun intended, but really, are you okay?”
“Eli, wherever you are, I’ll be perfect.”
He leaned forward and softly brushed his lips over hers then gently took the picture frame from her hands. The picture in the sterling frame was like most of the rest, a picture of Dallas at different stages of life. Running a finger over the glass, he took a long look at the boy who was staring off in the distance. As he stood dressed in gear, he leaned on his bike. Obviously, at one race or another, his sun-bleached hair was in disarray from having had a helmet on. But there was a peacefulness to him. He wasn’t stressed. He wasn’t show signs of nerves. As the camera caught him, he looked like he was in love.
